“Psst!” Frederic whispered.
Liam looked down and wondered if he was hallucinating. Ella held a finger to her lips. The guards at Liam’s sides were still staring at Duncan—who was now running his fingers through the unicorn’s mane and singing to it—but they and the Archcleric were blocking Gustav’s path to the pulpit. The big prince had no idea how to get to it without causing a commotion.
Briar couldn’t wait another second for Duncan to clear her path. “Forget this,” she muttered, and slid down off the unicorn. Engrossed in serenading the animal, Duncan did nothing to stop her. The orchestra kicked back into music mode, tooting and drumming as Briar marched to the altar.
Fig. 8
BRIAR, regal
Lila, who had an aisle seat, casually stuck her leg out and tripped the bride, who fell into a forward roll and got tangled in her gown’s ludicrously long train. The birds in her hair squawked and flapped their wings frantically. Again, guards began to run to Briar’s aid. But she poked her head out from under layers of twisted, sparkling fabric and barked at them, “No one touches the dress!”
“Are you all right, Your Highness?” the Archcleric asked from up on the altar.
“Never better,” Briar snarled as she picked herself up. “Just start the stupid ceremony.”
“It’s now or never,” Ella whispered to the princes. “I’ll take the guard on the left; Frederic, you take the one on the right. Gustav, you get Liam.” She stood up and clubbed one of the guards over the head with the hilt of her sword. The man collapsed.
Frederic attempted to do the same to the other guard. Only the man didn’t fall. He didn’t even react. So Frederic hit him harder. This time the guard flinched a bit. And turned around angrily.
“Sorry,” Frederic said. “My, uh, hand slipped.”
The guard reached for Frederic but was stopped in mid-motion by Ella’s fist slamming into his jaw. Frederic let out a long breath as the guard staggered dizzily off the edge of the platform.
“This is why I’ve been telling you to exercise, Frederic,” Ella chided.
“I do ten neck rolls every morning!” Frederic sputtered.
As shrieks rose from the crowd, Gustav leapt up onto the altar and hoisted the Archcleric over his head. He glanced left and right, not sure of what to do with the holy man.
“Unhand me,” the Archcleric cried.
“Sorry, Church Guy, nothing personal,” Gustav said, before hurling the old man into the front row. The Archcleric landed across the laps of Liam’s parents, who toppled backward in their chairs.
“What is going on?” Briar howled.
As dozens of armed guards charged toward the dais, Gustav grabbed hold of the wooden pulpit and, with a grunt, ripped it from its foundation.
“Yes!” Ella cheered. A guard swung his poleax at her, but she was faster—a quick slice of her sword and the guard’s weapon was in two pieces. She followed up by knocking the man from the dais with a powerful leg sweep—which wasn’t easy to pull off, considering Frederic was crouched behind her, clinging to her waist.
In a daze of exhaustion, hunger, and melancholy, Liam blankly watched the chaos around him. “Is this real life?” he muttered to no one in particular.
Briar, assuming Liam had somehow arranged all this chaos, climbed up onto the platform and confronted him. “This is a rescue attempt?” she scoffed. “What a joke. You’re not going anywhere!”
A contingent of five soldiers reached the end of the aisle, their spears aimed at Gustav.
“Look out!” Frederic cried.
Gustav chucked the pulpit at the guards, bowling them over. Liam was still chained to the pulpit, however, and was whipped off his feet as it flew. He landed on the pile of very unhappy soldiers.
“Oh, starf it all,” Gustav groaned, and smacked himself on the forehead.
Lila sank in her seat, shaking her head.
Duncan, finally noticing the predicament his friends were in, scrambled up onto the unicorn’s back (taking note of how much easier it was to mount an animal that was wearing a dress) and charged up the aisle, shouting, “Tally-ho! Hero coming!”
The soldiers scrambled out of the animal’s way, but Liam was unable to get very far. He was stuck at the end of the aisle, directly in the path of the charging unicorn.
“Whoa!” Duncan yelled. The unicorn skidded to a halt, narrowly avoiding Liam, but the force of the stop catapulted Duncan up in the air. He slammed into Ella just as she was about to finish off the guard she’d been dueling.
Out in the crowd, the monocle-wearing baron turned to his wife and whispered, “This is a very good wedding.”
Seconds later, swarms of guards were on top of the wedding crashers. Duncan, Ella, Frederic, and Gustav were tackled and shackled.
“Well, this has been an interesting turn of events,” Briar said. She stood, smiling down at Liam, who looked in every way like he’d just been chewed up and spat out by a dragon. “You know, I still hadn’t been completely sure how I’d get you to say ‘I do.’ But now I don’t think it will be a problem at all.”
After the bedraggled Archcleric had been retrieved from the audience, the tattered bride and groom took their places once again on either side of the uprooted, overturned pulpit.
The old holy man cleared his throat, adjusted his hat, and began: “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the joining in holy matrimony of Prince Liam of Erinthia and the fair, gentle, wise, generous, sweet-hearted, caring, artistically talented, pleasant-voiced, graceful, punctual, acrobatic—”
“Seriously?” Liam interrupted.
“—and lovely Princess Briar Rose of Avondell. This marriage shall forever unite their two kingdoms. What belongs to Avondell shall now belong to Erinthia; what belongs to Erinthia shall now belong to Avondell.”
Liam’s parents were dancing in their seats.
The Archcleric continued: “Do you, Briar Rose, take Prince Liam to be your husband?”
“I do,” Briar said with a wide, wicked grin.
“And do you, Liam, take Briar Rose to be your wife?”
Liam looked past the cleric to Ella, Frederic, Duncan, and Gustav. They were on their knees in chains, with guards holding sharpened axes over their heads. His eyes lingered on Ella’s the longest.
“I’m a madwoman, right?” Briar whispered. “What do you think I might do to your friends if you say no? Let your imagination run wild.”
Liam eyed her with contempt. He took a deep breath.
“I do,” he said.
“I now pronounce you husband and wife,” the Archcleric said cheerfully.
Ella felt as if her heart had fallen out of her chest.
6
A HERO HAS A FANCY CLOSET
It is the villains who covet treasure, not the heroes. Unless the treasure in question is a really snazzy belt buckle, in which case, who can resist?
—THE HERO’S GUIDE TO BEING A HERO
“Make way, people of Erinthia! Step aside for your new princess.” Briar Rose was jubilant as she strutted through the bronze-plated front doors of her new husband’s royal palace, while servants and noblemen alike scurried from her path. She rubbed her hands together hungrily as she surveyed the kneeling footmen, priceless urns, and jeweled chandeliers that surrounded her in the palace’s grand entry hall. “My new home away from home,” she said. The first of many, she added to herself.
King Gareth and Queen Gertrude, the rulers of Erinthia, hurried down a wide marble staircase to greet their new daughter-in-law.
“Greetings! Greetings!” Gareth bellowed. “Welcome to the family!”
“We’ve been waiting for this day since our Liam was three years old,” Gertrude said. Just like most of the people in Erinthia, Gareth and Gertrude were interested in the Liam-Briar marriage solely because of Avondell’s enormous wealth—a fact Briar was very much aware of. And she was willing to bet the royal couple would do just about anything to please her.
“Oh, I couldn�
�t be happier,” Briar said, dripping with false sweetness. “But, Papa—May I call you Papa?”
“Of course, my dear,” said Gareth.
“Papa, I believe your inexcusably unclean entryway got my emerald slippers all dusty,” Briar said. “Could you be a dear and do something about it?” She lifted her foot slightly to show off an elegant shoe that seemed perfectly clean.
“Oh, well, um, we can’t have that, can we? I do apologize,” Gareth said, flustered. He raised his arm and motioned to a servant. “Footman, come here and—”
“Oh, Papa,” Briar said. “I don’t think I need to tell you how unique and valuable these slippers are. I couldn’t trust their cleaning to a mere footman.”
Gareth gulped. He looked over to Gertrude, who nodded vigorously. Gareth cleared his throat and bent down at Briar’s feet. He blew gently on her shoe. “There we go,” the king said. “All better.”
When he began to stand, Briar put her hand on his shoulder and pushed him back down. “Not quite, Papa,” she said. “They’re still covered in dust.”
King Gareth blew harder and harder at Briar’s emerald slippers; his cheeks inflating like a puffer fish and his thick mustache flapping like a flag in the wind. Queen Gertrude, feeling panicky, crouched down next to her husband and began working on the other shoe, scrubbing at it with the lace cuffs of her gown. Briar grinned.
Liam, who’d been sulking far behind Briar on their journey from Avondell, finally entered the palace hall and saw his parents on their knees, polishing the princess’s shoes.
“You two are pathetic,” he said.
The king and queen quickly stood and smoothed out their clothing as Liam approached them.
“Son, it’s so lovely to see you back home again,” Gareth said.
“We’re so happy you finally came to the right decision regarding this marriage,” Gertrude added. She touched her hand to Liam’s cheek, but he brushed it away.
He leaned over and whispered into his father’s ear, “I know what you did, Father. All those years ago. With the actors whom you left rotting in prison.”
“Humph,” Gareth grunted and whispered back, “I don’t see those two walking around free, so I guess you were smart enough to keep it to yourself.”
“You’re despicable,” Liam hissed.
“I guess it’s hereditary,” the king spat back. And he returned his attention to Briar Rose. “Come, my dear,” he said. “There is so much to show you. This vase back here, for instance, was imported from the treasury in Kom-Pai. It’s over two thousand years old and—”
“Yeah, whatever, I don’t care about that,” Briar said. She walked away from the king. “Where’s your treasure room?”
“It’s on the third floor,” the king said. “But there’s so much to see before we get there.”
“No, I’m going there now,” Briar said. She started up the marble staircase. “Husband! Take me to the treasure room.”
Liam jogged to catch up to Briar midway along the flight of steps. “What’s your rush, Briar?” he asked. “Up to something?”
“Yes, I’m almost up to the second floor,” she replied. “And I’m going to keep going straight to the third. And you’re coming with me so you can show me to the treasure room. Because you’re my loving husband.”
“I’m coming with you because my friends are in your prison,” Liam said.
“Ah, togetherness,” Briar said, and she blew Liam a kiss.
Lila was waiting for them on the second-story landing, standing with her arms crossed and a sour look on her face.
“Hi, sis,” Briar smirked.
“Don’t call me that,” Lila sneered. “Nobody but Liam gets to call me that.”
Fig. 9
BRIAR and LILA
Briar knit her brow. “You’d better watch yourself, brat. I know you tripped me on purpose at the wedding. The only reason I didn’t throw you in jail with the others is because you and I are family now.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Lila said with mock innocence.
Briar sniffed and continued up to the third floor.
“Be careful around her, Lila,” Liam whispered to his sister. “I wouldn’t put anything past her.”
“Oh, come now,” Lila said, poking him in the belly. “You love it when I get spunky.”
Liam tried to smile but seemed to have trouble working the muscles at the corners of his mouth.
“There’s something wrong with you,” Lila said seriously. “The Liam I know would treat this as a minor setback.”
“I’m married to her,” Liam said.
“Yeah, I know. And your true love is stuck behind bars.”
Liam blushed. “My friends. My friends are behind bars.”
“Yeah, your friends. And Ella. You’re not fooling anyone, Liam. I’ve visited you in Harmonia. I’ve seen you and her together.”
“Ella is Frederic’s fiancée. And it’s a moot point anyway, because I’m married to Briar now.”
“Like I said, a minor setback,” Lila said. “You’ll figure a way out of this. You’re still the same hero you’ve always been.”
Liam winced at her words. That’s just the problem, he thought. I was never a real hero to begin with.
“Buck up, big brother,” Lila said, landing a playful punch on his arm. “And remember, I’m here whenever you need me. If you’re ready to bust your friends out of prison—”
“Lila, stay out of this,” Liam said. “I don’t want you involved. And nobody’s breaking anybody out of jail anyway.”
“You’re not going to let them rot, though. Right?”
“Of course not. I just . . .” He sighed. “I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“You know where to find me,” Lila said. “Let’s talk later.”
“Yeah, sure,” Liam said glumly. “If Briar let’s me.” He trudged up the stairs after his new bride, who was waiting for him at the top, impatiently tapping her foot.
“Get a move on, prince.”
“The treasure room is down this hallway,” Liam said as he walked past her. This is my life now, he thought. I’ve gone from Everybody’s Hero to Crazy Lady’s Puppet, just like that. But I deserve it. I’m a fraud.
Halfway down the third-floor corridor, two armored knights stood guard outside a set of thick oak doors.
“Your Highness,” both knights said, snapping to attention.
“At ease, men,” Liam said. “And please open the treasure room for the . . .” He sighed. “For the princess.”
The two knights each produced a key from inside their sleeves. They inserted the keys into two brass keyholes and turned them simultaneously. The heavy oak doors swung open, revealing museum-like rows of pedestals and glass cases, each displaying a jeweled idol, golden goblet, or some other valuable artifact. Briar rushed inside.
“Well?” Liam asked. “Does our treasury meet your standards?”
Briar scanned the entire room from wall to wall, floor to ceiling. She began to dart around, checking behind large framed oil paintings and lifting gold busts to peer underneath them. “Where is it?” she said, mostly to herself.
“Where is what?” Liam asked, growing increasingly curious.
“Shut up,” Briar snapped. Her search became frantic. She yanked down silver plaques, sending them clattering to the stone floor. She kicked over crystal vases. She shoved aside a cabinet full of hand-painted porcelain eggs, several of which fell and shattered into countless fragments.
“This room is not that big,” she growled. “Where is it?”
“What are you looking for?” Liam asked.
Briar turned and grabbed him by the shoulders. “The sword!” she spat. “The Sword of Erinthia! Where is it?”
For the first time in weeks, Liam laughed.
Briar stepped back. “What’s so funny? What’s going on here?”
Liam walked over to an empty display case that was mounted on the treasure room’s back wall. “This,” he said
, “is where the Sword of Erinthia goes.”
“Well, why isn’t it there?” Briar’s face burned a bright red. The veins in her neck throbbed grotesquely.
“It was stolen,” Liam said, unable to hold back a smile. “A few years ago.”
“WHAT?!” Briar’s shriek was so loud, the knights in the hall winced in pain from the sound reverberating inside their helmets. For several minutes, Briar stood huffing and panting, then she took a deep breath, brushed a wayward strand of hair from her face, and addressed Liam in a calm, reserved manner.
“Why was I unaware of this?”
“Well, it was kind of an embarrassing theft,” Liam said. The Sword of Erinthia was the centuries-old symbol of his family, an heirloom that was encrusted from hilt to tip in rare jewels. “We didn’t exactly advertise the fact that it went missing.”
“Who stole it?” Briar asked.
“Deeb Rauber, the Bandit King. You know, I actually had a chance to win it back from him last year. But it . . . didn’t work out. Why do you want that sword so badly?”
“It’s priceless.”
“So is half the stuff in here,” Liam said. “Including those eggs you so casually destroyed just now. Why do you really want the sword?”
“Same reason I wanted you,” Briar said. “I want what I want. That sword is the most legendary treasure your stupid family owns, so I want that sword. And as always, I will get what I want.”
“You plan on asking Rauber to turn it over to you?”
“I’m not naive,” Briar said. She half smiled. “No, I’m going to have you take it back from him.”
“You want me to steal the Sword of Erinthia from the Bandit King?”
“That’s right, genius.”
“Why me?”
“Because you’ve dealt with Rauber before. Plus, you’re familiar with the sword. And also because I just like making you do things for me.”
“I’d love to win that sword back for my family,” Liam said. “But I don’t know if—”
The Hero's Guide to Storming the Castle Page 7
