by Martin Crimp
ANNA. I don’t smoke, Mr Walsum.
MIKE. Well no no, I know you don’t. Well that’s fine then, naturally.
ANNA. If I may try later on.
MIKE. By all means.
,
Look, we’ve been wondering if we’ve, well if we’ve been giving you enough spending money. Because, well, it isn’t really very much – and we’d both hate to think you couldn’t afford to – well – top up your phone, for example.
ANNA. No no. It’s fine.
MIKE. You’re managing.
ANNA. I’m managing.
MIKE. Well I’m very pleased to hear you’re managing because as you probably know, what with moving, and renting the flat, things are going to get a little tight. And I mean I don’t want you to think we’re the sort of people who like to… (Vague gesture.) well exploit this kind of situation. Because
I know some people do with – well particularly with foreign girls they tend to take advantage.
,
Because you know – well obviously you know we’re not like that.
ANNA. I’m managing. Thank you.
MIKE. Listen, can I get you a coffee or anything?
,
Fine. Well. Anyway, you know where it is.
MIKE lingers a moment more, then starts to go.
At the last moment he turns.
Look, I was just thinking, perhaps you ought to get dressed. It’s just that people – hopefully – people – will be coming round to view.
ANNA (with complete indifference). Okay.
MIKE. I mean you know we don’t mind on your day off. It’s just that, well you just can’t tell what’s going to put people off unfortunately.
ANNA. Okay.
MIKE. Not that you would, obviously, put people off. I mean you wouldn’t put me off. But just in case somebody should come, please.
ANNA. Okay, that’s okay.
MIKE. Thanks, Anna.
MIKE starts to go. At the last moment he stops as before and looks at ANNA. She senses his look and turns.
Thanks.
He goes.
Blackout.
3
Evening. MIKE and LIZ.
LIZ. No objections to doing what?
MIKE. To leaving it on.
LIZ. But you told her we’d accept and were prepared to wait.
MIKE. Yes yes I said we accept but Clair’s feeling is in case for whatever reason – because of course people do – they happen to drop out, or I don’t know find it difficult to exchange, there’s no harm in leaving it on. And besides I felt she was implying –
LIZ. Because I thought we’d both talked to her about this.
MIKE. Well of course, but I felt she was implying that if we got more interest we could, there would be the possibility that we could maybe push them up.
LIZ. You told her we weren’t prepared to do that.
MIKE. Well she already knows we wouldn’t do that.
,
It was something I made clear in our first conversation.
LIZ (on conversation). How far up?
MIKE. What?
LIZ. All I mean is –
MIKE. I don’t know. How far up? I don’t know. She was vague.
,
Eight hundred?
LIZ. As far as that.
MIKE. She seemed to think we could be looking at another forty to fifty k, yes.
,
LIZ. Well that’s hardly significant.
MIKE. Well no, I agree it’s not particularly significant in the present climate. But the point is, and this is surely what we’re talking about, is if it goes under offer like this in less than forty-eight hours, then maybe we’re simply not asking enough.
LIZ. This is what Clair said.
MIKE. Well it’s not what she said, no.
,
It’s not what she said but here we are, here we are, we’re paying them x per cent, and how much work will they actually have done?
,
It’s complicated you see by the fact that these people, the Harraps, are in Shropshire.
LIZ. You mean they might not be genuine.
MIKE. Genuine or whatever, I just mean there’s a question mark over their ability to sell. Because, as Clair said, if they’re stuck up there in Wales…
LIZ. England.
MIKE. England.
,
Is it?
LIZ. I think it is.
MIKE. Well wherever it is.
LIZ. Shrewsbury.
MIKE. Well wherever it is there’s not much of a market.
LIZ. Just sheep.
MIKE. That sort of thing.
MIKE lies with his head in LIZ’s lap.
They’ve got several acres up there according to Clair. A stream. Fishing rights. You drive up through a pine… some kind of pine… thing. Forest.
LIZ. It’s rural.
MIKE. That’s right. I mean it’s not something I’d personally go along with, but surely if they’ve got that much land they’d keep it and build on it.
LIZ. It must be protected.
MIKE (faint laugh). Clair says she’s got a crumbly spine.
LIZ. A what?
MIKE. Mrs Harrap. They’re moving on account of her spine.
LIZ. What, are they old?
MIKE. No, they’re like us apparently.
LIZ. And they don’t mind the garden?
MIKE. Apparently they’ve fallen in love with the garden. They were very taken by the vine.
LIZ. So you’ve had a long chat with Clair.
,
MIKE. What’s that supposed to mean?
LIZ. But you made it clear we’re prepared to wait.
MIKE. Listen: Clair knows exactly what we’ve said to her and I’m sure she respects our position.
LIZ. Meaning.
MIKE. What d’you mean, meaning?
LIZ. Well meaning what?
MIKE. What do I mean by meaning?
LIZ. What do you mean by position, respects our position?
MIKE. Well exactly what I say.
LIZ. Which is?
MIKE. What?
LIZ. Well what exactly are you saying?
MIKE. Because if I have to explain myself every time I speak…
LIZ. Because it seems to me, and of course maybe I’m wrong, but it seems to me you’re saying you’re deferring to Clair.
MIKE. I’ve no intention of deferring to Clair. Come on, come on. It’s simply that since we find ourselves dealing with her, then perhaps – well no, not perhaps – I think we should I really think we should show at least some respect for her judgement and integrity.
LIZ. Her what? (Faint laugh.)
,
So you’re deferring to Clair.
MIKE. Look, I’m not deferring to Clair. She’s deferring to us.
LIZ (amused). D’you think she always wears that skirt?
MIKE. What?
LIZ. Well she looks like a waitress.
Both faint laugh.
Blackout.
4
Morning. CLAIR stands at the window, back turned.
JAMES stands on the other side of the room, looking at her.
She senses his look and turns. Both smile.
JAMES. There’s a good atmosphere here, isn’t there. Very calm and quiet. I think that’s very valuable, don’t you. Because while I could never imagine living outside of a city, still I like a home to be a kind of sanctuary. Do you know it’s rather like when you drive off the road, isn’t it. Because you know how it is when you drive off the road on to one of those gravel tracks that leads into a mountain forest. The Pyrenees for example, the French Pyrenees. You drive slowly between the trees, then a little way in you turn off the engine. Then it strikes you. The silence.
,
Do you suppose it’s the light? Perhaps it’s the quality of the light here. That window faces north, doesn’t it?
CLAIR. Yes, I think so.
JAMES. Because quite frankly I’m much happier with
reflected light. Whenever I have to go a long way south I’m afraid I tend to languish rather. If I don’t have a marble floor I can get very irritable. (With equal charm.) You do realise that sill is rotten, don’t you. I could get my finger in up to the knuckle.
Both faint laugh.
(With attack.) Bedroom four.
CLAIR. Yes?
JAMES. Have I missed bedroom four?
CLAIR. It’s the room with the pictures.
JAMES. What, those views of Naples?
CLAIR. Are they?
JAMES. Well aren’t they? It doesn’t have a window, does it. Is that why it smells of smoke?
CLAIR. It’s actually quite a good size.
JAMES. Well do you know I thought it was a cupboard. I thought, well that’s odd, I’ve stumbled into a cupboard with views of Naples. (Faint laugh.)
CLAIR. What’s the position with your own property?
JAMES. Position in what sense?
CLAIR. I mean is your own house sold?
JAMES. I think we’re at cross purposes. No, I’m not selling any houses. I think that’s a hateful business, selling houses. No, I simply wish to acquire a new one here in London. Because do you know I suddenly felt terribly lost at Heathrow the other day. I drove to a hotel but my heart wasn’t in it. That’s when I thought, I need something of my own here after all these years. I’m fed up with hotels, Clair, and so is my family. We’re fed up with hotels here in London. I think that’s a desolate kind of life, don’t you.
CLAIR. You travel on business.
JAMES. I travel a lot on business.
,
CLAIR. So you’re in a good position.
JAMES. Well I think I am, don’t you?
Both faint laugh.
The thing is, is it’s an elegant house. Parts of it have obviously been abused, but underneath there is an elegant house.
CLAIR. Anything in this road is a good investment.
JAMES. Well I’m sure it is, but frankly that’s not what concerns me.
,
You say in fact it’s sold.
CLAIR. The vendors have accepted an offer.
JAMES. The vendors have accepted an offer.
CLAIR. Yes, but if someone matches it with cash.
JAMES. And what is the offer?
CLAIR. The asking price.
JAMES. Which is? I’m sorry, I…
CLAIR. Seven hundred and fifty.
JAMES. And who wishes to purchase?
CLAIR. The Harraps.
JAMES. Do I know them?
CLAIR. I’m sorry?
JAMES. Who are the Harraps?
CLAIR. Well, well they’re just…
JAMES. They’re just people you mean.
CLAIR. Well they’re in Shropshire.
JAMES. Whereabouts is that?
CLAIR. Isn’t it Wales?
JAMES. I mean whereabouts in Shropshire. Because I know Shropshire. I used to know Shrewsbury well.
CLAIR. Would you like to see the garden?
JAMES. You know, I don’t think there’s any need, do you? Because I like what I’ve seen very much, Clair.
CLAIR. I’m afraid it faces north, but there’s a vine.
JAMES. We’re not gardeners.
Both faint laugh. Silence.
(With a laugh.) There’s a certain kind of man who would exploit this kind of situation. I mean if I were to make an offer…
CLAIR. We’d put it to the vendors.
JAMES. You’d put it to the vendors.
CLAIR. Well naturally.
JAMES. Because I should stress I like what I’ve seen very much.
CLAIR. Well I’m sure they’d consider it.
JAMES. I really think I ought to meet them, don’t you? We ought to talk. Because naturally I want to behave honourably in this, Clair.
CLAIR. I’ll speak to the Walsums.
JAMES. Are they Dutch?
CLAIR. I don’t think so.
JAMES. Because Walsum is Dutch.
CLAIR moves away to check everything is undisturbed prior to leaving.
Do you know I saw a girl like you when I was on my way here.
CLAIR. Did you? (Faint laugh.)
JAMES (laughs). I’m sorry, I’m embarrassing you.
CLAIR laughs.
Or perhaps it was you. Was it you?
CLAIR. I don’t know.
,
Look, I’ll try and fix up that appointment.
JAMES. Would you. Listen, I’m sorry about that.
CLAIR. No worries.
JAMES. I mean when I called you a girl. Because it’s one of those words, isn’t it, it’s one of those dreadful words men use to belittle women. It’s funny isn’t it, how you are terribly aware of everybody else’s faults, and then you find you share them too. I apologise.
CLAIR. No worries.
JAMES. Because please understand I hate that sort of thing as much as you must.
CLAIR (as if to go). Well look, I’ll try and fix up that appointment.
JAMES. Would you? My wife will love it. The children will love that garden.
CLAIR. How many do you have?
JAMES. What did I say? Did I say children? No, just the one.
He takes out a wallet and shows it to CLAIR.
Marcus. A boy.
CLAIR looks at the picture.
Well hardly my boy. He’s my wife’s boy.
,
CLAIR. She must be –
JAMES. Considerably younger. Yes, she is. But what about you, Clair. Are you married? Single? Surely not widowed? Divorced?
CLAIR begins to laugh during this. They both laugh for a while.
Children?
CLAIR. You’re joking.
She gives back the wallet. Silence. She fiddles with the keys, almost as if she has temporarily withdrawn into a private world.
JAMES. I’ll tell you something – and of course I may be completely wrong – but why is it I have an idea you live on a railway. Is that right?
CLAIR (faint laugh). Yes. Yes I do.
JAMES. I thought you did.
,
Isn’t that odd. You see I imagine you in one of those rooms right on the railway. I see you in one of those tall old houses turned into flats, where the track passes on brick arches right outside the upper windows. If you go by at night you often have a glimpse down into these rooms. You can see people acting in a very ordinary way, as if there was no train outside. Often the light bulbs have no shades. Isn’t that odd. But then how else are they supposed to act?
CLAIR. A lot of people live on railways.
JAMES. Well of course they do. Does your bulb have a shade?
CLAIR. It’s not necessarily a bad investment.
JAMES. Well of course not.
,
Those are the keys?
CLAIR. Yes. (Snaps them shut in her fist.) We’d better go.
JAMES. Absolutely.
Blackout.
5
Evening. MIKE and LIZ.
LIZ. No objections to doing what?
MIKE. To leaving it on.
LIZ. But you told her we’d accept and were prepared to wait.
MIKE. Yes yes yes, but that was before this. That was before we were talking about cash.
LIZ. So you’ve spoken to Clair.
MIKE. Well obviously I’ve spoken to Clair.
,
I mean Clair seems to think –
LIZ. So what’s his position?
MIKE. The position is, as I understand it is, is he likes what he’s seen very much and he’s prepared to pay cash.
LIZ. So he’s already sold, but do we know he’s already sold?
MIKE. No no no, he’s nothing to sell.
,
The whole point is, is that he has nothing to sell.
LIZ (on nothing). Well it’s easy enough to say that. We could say that.
MIKE. What, you don’t think he’s honest?
LIZ. I’ve not ‘spoken to Clair’.
MIKE. We
ll I’ve told you her opinion.
LIZ. Is that what she said?
MIKE. Is what what she said?
LIZ. What?
MIKE. Is what what she said?
LIZ. That in her opinion he’s honest.
MIKE. Because look, it’s impossible for me, please understand it’s impossible for me to relate to you word for word exactly what she said.
LIZ. Word for word, no one said word for word, I just –
MIKE. Well whatever.
LIZ. I’ve never said word for word.
MIKE. Well whatever, Liz. Because listen, you talk to her…
LIZ. I’m not talking to her…
MIKE. Because if you talked to her you’d find out the simple fact is, is you don’t go round asking if people are honest because that’s not ultimately what’s at issue here. What’s at issue is his ability to exchange.
LIZ. Which is exactly the same thing.
MIKE. Well of course it’s not.
,
Well listen of course it isn’t. Because even if he’s not – (Gesture of inverted commas.) ‘honest’, whatever that actually means, meaning I suppose he’s still in reality got somewhere to sell, who’s to say he won’t in spite of that be able to complete faster than the Harraps, who let’s face it have saddled themselves with this crumbling ancestral home or spine or whatever it is surrounded by acres of land of outstanding natural beauty but no commercial value whatsoever.
Silence.
Anyway, look, he wants to take another look round.
LIZ. When?
MIKE. Tonight. He’s coming tonight.
LIZ. You could’ve said.
MIKE. Well he wants his wife to see it.
,
Is Anna dressed?
LIZ. Well how do I know if she’s dressed?
MIKE. I would just rather she was dressed.
LIZ. Did you ask her about smoking?
MIKE. Because the way she wanders around here… What? No. She doesn’t. I’ve told you she doesn’t.
LIZ. I’m just worried about –
MIKE. About the Harraps. Look –
LIZ. Because we’ve accepted their offer.
MIKE. Yes but what does that mean? Legally it means nothing.
,
LIZ. Well legally it means nothing, but –
MIKE. You have to remember there’s always been a question mark over the Harraps.
,
LIZ. I suppose they’d do it if they were in our position.
