by Elle Casey
Smitty’s eyes are filled with tears. “Please, you have to believe me. I would never in a million years hurt one of your animals. I know how much they mean to you. I care about you, Rose. I care about your entire family. You guys have been a second family to me. I consider your moms my moms too. They’ve done everything for me.”
I throw my hands up. “We have been like family to you, which is why I don’t understand how any of this could have happened!”
“I can’t explain it in a way that makes sense, I’m sorry. All I can tell you is my brother is a messed-up kid, and I’m trying to help him, but I’m failing. And you guys got dragged into it because he knows I care about you. He’s angry and jealous. He doesn’t have another family in his life like I do. I’m all he’s got, and apparently I’m not good enough, and he knows I’d rather spend my time out here with you guys than with my own family.”
Smitty is breaking my heart down into little pieces. I can only guess how sad and lonely his home life has been, but I still don’t have the whole story from him, so he’s not off the hook with me by a long shot. “I don’t understand how Banana ended up on the side of the road.”
“When I drove away, I looked in my rearview mirror and he was running behind my truck. I didn’t stop, though, I kept on going, and there’s no way he could’ve caught up to me. I was going, like, sixty miles an hour, and I left him way behind me in the dust.”
“So your story is—somebody else on the road hit him.”
“It has to be that, because it wasn’t me. I will swear on my life, on my brother’s life, my parents’ life, on the Bible . . . I will swear on anything you want me to. It wasn’t me. If I’d hit Banana, I would’ve stopped and I would’ve come and confessed everything at the time.”
“But you found out later that Banana got hit by a car. Why didn’t you confess then?”
“I don’t know.” He sounds tortured. “I want to say it’s because I knew I wasn’t the one who hit him, but I know my brother is the reason Banana was out on the road that night. If Brian hadn’t come and done that to you, and if I hadn’t come after him, Banana would’ve never been out there. So it is my fault. I should’ve told you sooner.”
I don’t know whether to rage at him or cry over how cruel the universe can be sometimes. “If you had told me sooner, maybe my clinic would still be standing.”
He nods. “It probably would still be standing, because there’s nobody else in the world who’d want to hurt you besides Brian. And the only reason he wanted to hurt you was because I cared about you so much. I do think he did it . . . lit the fire . . . but he’s been denying it.” Smitty’s voice drops to a near-whisper. “I found the clothes he was wearing that night; they smell like smoke and diesel fuel. I hid them, in case you need them for evidence.”
This is such a horrible situation, I really don’t know how to handle it. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this level of sadness, betrayal, pity, and disillusionment. I want to hate Smitty for being a part of it and for allowing some of it to happen, but I can’t. He’s just a sad guy who’s trying to do the right thing and who wants to be loved like everybody else. He’s been dealt a hand that would have been impossible for many to manage. At least no one was hurt in the fire. I have no more emotion left in me except sadness. There’s no room for forgiveness right now, but maybe in the future there will be. I just can’t say at the moment.
“Smitty, you need to go.” I clear the number off my phone and slide it into my back pocket.
He nods, tears running down his cheeks. “I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry.”
“I understand. Please go.”
He shuffles away, grabbing his jacket and the coffee cup from the hood of his car, throwing them into the truck. He leaves, not speeding away like I expect him to, but driving slowly and carefully over the road. His truck disappears in the distance, and I wonder if I’ll ever see him again. I’m not sure whether I care. I look over at the burned remnants of my building and imagine that it matches what I feel like inside. I have been burned to the ground. There’s nothing left for me here and nothing left to hope for. I lower myself to the earth and cry.
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
Some experts say that crying is great therapy. I say it’s a great way to wear a person down to the point where she doesn’t even want to breathe anymore. After I cry for a full hour on the ground in front of my burned-down clinic, I find my way home and into my bed. I crawl under the covers fully dressed and pull the quilt up to my head, promptly falling asleep.
I wake up sometime in the middle of the night. I don’t bother looking at my clock, but it’s dark out; it could be early morning or late at night. I use the bathroom, shuffle down to the kitchen, and take a piece of bread out of the cupboard. After I’m in my room again, I take two bites of it and put the rest on my bedside table before I strip down and go back to sleep. My breath is stale and rank, my eyes are swollen from crying, and my body could use a shower, but I don’t care. All I want to do is make the days go by faster, and the best way to do that is to sleep, sleep, sleep . . .
I don’t know how much more time passes before somebody wakes me. The covers are pulled off my face and a bright light hits me, pressing against my eyeballs. I pry one eyelid open and look at the face before me.
“Hey, there, sleepyhead. It’s time for you to get up and stop feeling sorry for yourself.” It’s Amber, of course, and she has a very annoying smile on her face.
I pull the covers back over my face, partially to block the sun and partially to shield my well-intentioned sister from my toxic dragon breath. “Go away.”
“Nice try, but I’m not going anywhere.” She yanks the covers back even farther this time.
Cold air hits, and makes me cringe. I curl up in a ball and slap a pillow over my head. “I’m not in the mood, Amber.”
“What’s wrong with you? I know your building burned to the ground and your boyfriend’s not here, but there’s got to be something else going on with you. The Rose I know wouldn’t let these things get her down. Not for this long, anyway.”
“Go away,” I say more forcefully, grinding out the words through gritted teeth. I’m so close to reaching out and slapping her.
Wonder of wonders, Amber actually listens. I hear her footfalls going from my bed to the door, and I’m left alone to wallow in my sadness. I put the covers back where they belong and sigh long and hard. Then I have to move the covers away so I can actually breathe because—damn—my breath is something else.
Just as I start to fall back to sleep, Amber returns. My quilt disappears, and the pillow I was using to shield my eyes is whipped off my head.
“Hey! What the hell?” I open my eyes to find not just Amber but Emerald standing there in front of me.
I snort in disgust and close my eyes, pulling another pillow over my face. “No way. This is not happening. Go away.”
“You see?” Amber says. “I told you; it’s serious.”
“Rose, honey, what’s going on?” Emerald asks. It’s her kind and sensitive tone that gets to me. The tears start coming again, and I know they’re not going to stop anytime soon.
The bed dips down as my sisters climb in next to me. They fight and argue over who gets to be next to me, and then Amber is at the side of my bed again, nudging me. “Move over. You have to be in the middle.”
I refuse to listen, but does that stop them? No, of course not. The two of them drag and push me until they get what they want. I am now the baloney in a sister sandwich.
Amber and Em put their arms around me and hold me close. Somebody smells like garlic. “Ugh. You guys stink.”
“I just had some toast, leave me alone,” Emerald says. I can tell from her tone she’s pouting.
“She might be talking about the garlic croutons I had in my salad,” Amber says.
“I’m talking about both of you. You both smell. Get away from me.”
My sisters quiet down and snuggle in. I start to get very warm. Too warm. I�
��m still crying, and I really wish they’d leave me alone. Their love is suffocating me.
“Did I mention that I went online and looked at veterinary colleges?” Amber asks.
“You did mention that,” Emerald says. “That’s very exciting. What did you find?”
“Shut up!” I yell. I don’t want to hear this. Not now and not ever. My dreams are ashes, and there will be no phoenix rising up from them.
Amber continues. “Did you know there’s a veterinary college in New York City?”
It feels like my sister just stabbed me in the heart with a knife. I can’t even speak I’m so upset. What does she hope to accomplish with this?
“You don’t say?” Emerald exclaims. “Is it expensive?”
“I’m sure it is, but that’s not really a problem, is it?” I can hear Amber’s smile in her voice.
“No, not at all. Because I’m looking for ways to invest my money in something worthwhile, and I think sending one of the most talented animal people I know to school is very worthwhile.” Em sounds very proud of herself.
I shove the pillow off my face and glare at each of them in turn. “Both of you need to shut up and get out of my room right now.”
Amber smiles at me and pats me on the cheek. “Not gonna happen, sweetie. We don’t do the pity party thing here.”
I look over at Em, the only one I have a chance of intimidating. “Get out.”
“I’m with her.” She points at Amber and gives me a shy smile.
I close my eyes and breathe through my nose, slowly and calmly. I need to get control of my emotions, because I really feel like slapping somebody right now, and I have two very deserving candidates in close range.
“Today’s the first day of the rest of your life,” Amber says. “What are you gonna do with it?”
“I’m going to stay in bed. I’m going to stay in bed today and tomorrow and the next day. I’m going to stay here until I die.” I try to pull the quilt over my head, but my sisters’ big, stupid bodies are lying on top of my covers and won’t let me. I sigh in frustration.
“I know you’re really sad and you’re really angry,” Emerald says. “We are too. But it’s time to pick up the pieces and move on.”
I glare at her, ready to let her have it . . . ready to tell her that the boy we grew up with is the reason my building burned down, but I stop myself. I can’t do it. Not only will Smitty’s brother go to jail, because I know my sisters will tell the cops, Smitty would no longer be welcome in our home, and I know what this place means to him. It means the same thing to him that it means to me, and I’d die if my family rejected me.
“What is it that’s making you so sad?” Em asks. “Is it the clinic?”
“Or is it Greg?” Amber adds. “He took off yesterday really upset. I know you said something to him.”
“It’s over between us,” I say. I stare up at the ceiling as the tears fall out of my eyes and drip down to my ears.
“It’s over? What do you mean?” Em asks. “You just got started.”
“It’s over.” I shrug. “I don’t know what else you want me to say.”
“What happened? Just tell us,” Amber prompts, nudging me.
“I’d rather not. I’d rather just leave it alone.”
“I guess there’s only one thing for me to do,” Amber says, sighing.
I look at her. “Don’t talk to Greg.”
“You’re not leaving me with much of a choice if you won’t talk to me.”
I can picture her doing exactly what she’s threatening, and it makes me instantly furious. “You don’t need to know every detail of my life!” I yell at her.
“Since when?!” she yells back.
Since I found out I’m probably not your biological sister. Surely if I were, Darrell would have spoken up about it and Greg would have cut her out of the irrevocable trust too. And knowing now what I do about our parentage, it changes things. I don’t know why, but it does. Of course I don’t say this out loud. But I feel it. My heart is breaking all over again, and I thought the damn thing was already completely broken. How many times can a heart break before it’s totally shattered?
Amber stares at me, her eyes narrowed. “There is something really big going on here, and if you don’t tell me what it is, I am going to pull everything in this house apart until I figure it out . . . and then you’re going to be in really big trouble for making me go to all that effort.”
Her energy and willfulness exhaust me. “Don’t threaten me. It’s not going to work.” She’ll never find out, because I know Greg won’t tell her anything and neither will Smitty, but I still don’t want her digging. I just want her to let it go so the hurt can scar over.
“Oh, yes, it is going to work. I am very scary when I want to be.”
Her offense at my statement almost makes me laugh. She actually enjoys being a tyrant. And I always thought it was just a personality quirk.
I sigh in defeat. “Can’t you see I’m tired and want to be left alone?”
Amber puts both hands on my cheeks and touches noses with me. All I can see now is one giant eye in the middle of her forehead. “I look at you and I see sad and brokenhearted. I see exhausted. I see years of working eighty-hour weeks finally catching up with you. And I see one other thing that really, really scares me.”
“What’s that?” I ask, trying to inhale around her garlic breath.
“I see defeat. Your giving up is scaring the shit out of me.”
I turn away and face Emerald. “Would you please tell Amber that I’m fine? I’m not going to kill myself. I just need a break.”
She looks sad as she shakes her head. “I see it too. Please talk to us.”
I sit straight up and punch the covers next to me. “Jesus, you guys are suffocating me.”
“Suffocation . . . love . . . Is there really a difference?” Amber asks, her voice sounding dreamy.
“Not when you’re involved,” Em says, giggling.
Amber loses her dreamy tone. “Hey, watch it, lady.”
Their easy teasing brings back memories. I love my sisters so much. More than anything. More than the clinic and my patients, more than Smitty, more than this house and farm. We couldn’t be closer if we were triplets. I don’t care if any of us share a father. We’ve grown up together since birth, and our moms are always going to be best friends. Most people will never find the closeness I share with these women.
Despite my recent losses, it’s a relief to know that there are some things in my life that will never change, no matter what. What my sisters are doing right now is really annoying, but I know it’s coming from a place of love, and I really could use some of that right now. I put my face in my hands and take a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself. I need to talk to my sisters. I can’t carry this burden alone anymore. “So much shit has happened, I don’t know where to start.”
“Why don’t you start at the beginning,” Amber suggests.
“How do I know which part is the beginning?” It’s all jumbled in my head—Greg, the barn, Smitty, my laptop, the settlement . . . They’re all part of the same confusing web of lies and deceit.
“How about if you start with the thing that’s hurting the most?” Emerald says gently. “And then we can work backward from there.”
I nod and turn around so I can face my sisters, adjusting myself on the bed so I’m comfortable. “I hope you guys have a couple hours, because this is going to take a while.”
Em and Amber sit up and put their backs against the headboard. “We’ve got all day,” Amber says.
Em nods. “All day long and all night too, if necessary.”
I nod and reach for their hands. Leaning together, we make a circle, filled with love. “How about if I start by telling you who my father is.”
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
It is such a relief to get all that off my chest. And now I feel like I’m full of helium as I watch my two sisters pace across my bedroom floor, working themselves up into a l
ather.
“How dare he. How dare he say that to you!” Amber is shaking her fist at the ceiling. “I’m going to get you, Greg Lister. You are going to be so sorry you opened your big, fat mouth! And you’re also going to tell me how you know this stuff about my sister, too!” She mutters something and then speaks up again. “Genetic specialist? Really? What in the hell does that even mean?”
“Don’t be mad at him. He was just doing his job.” Telling my sisters the story did help put a few things into perspective. It reminded me that I admire a lot of things about Greg, like how much integrity he has, how good a lawyer he is, and how he dedicates himself to his one client. The problem came up for us when there was a conflict between me and that client. Of course he picked his client over me; it’s his job. It’s what keeps food on the table and a roof over his and Linny’s heads. He took an oath to be an ethical person, and that’s what he’s being. It’s not like he’s in love with me; we just started our relationship. To expect him to put us over them would be unfair and unreasonable.
The problem for me, however, is that he knew about the conflict all along. He should’ve told me as soon as we started contemplating being intimate and let me decide if I wanted to go forward or not. I’m still mad at him about that. He ruined what could have been a really great thing by being too much of a lawyer. I wish it didn’t hurt so much.
“I don’t know what makes me more upset,” Em says. “The stuff that Greg said or the thing that Smitty did.”
I look at her in a panic. “Please, you promised; you can’t tell anyone. You can’t tell anyone outside this bedroom ever.”
“I know.” She frowns at me. “I’m not going to say anything to anyone. But still . . . I told you there was something wrong with him.”
“You never actually told us what it was that made you think that about him,” Amber says. “Since we’re telling stories here, maybe it’d be a good time for you to confess.”
Em’s eyes go wide. “No, that’s okay. Some secrets are better left unsaid.”
I shake my head at her. “Shame on you . . . after giving me such a guilt trip.”
