'I can't make you change your mind can I?'
'No. Sorry.'
'If you're sorry, then why don't you stay?'
'I'm sorry I can't do what you want, not sorry that I'm going to stay in the city.'
'But if you're sorry…' Will didn't finish, knowing his argument was pointless. Instead, he left the room without saying any more while Jane sat on the bed feeling guilty as she watched him go. Although she knew that Will wanted the reassurance of her safety in his impending absence, and although the Halls would embrace her like family, Jane wanted to go home. Strangely, it was Will's absence that increased her need to be in the city; she needed her job, the busy hours, her girlfriends and the familiarity to help her through the coming months.
Jane packed her things ready to leave for home and started down the stairs. The stairs led to a door through which you stepped straight into the kitchen. As she reached the door and pressed her thumb to the latch she heard the Sunbeam start up in the yard. Opening the door and stepping into the warm kitchen, Maggie smiled up at her from her position by the back door. She was wiping the paws of the only one of their four dogs that came into the house.
'Hello love, he's just gone for a ride.'
'Yes, I heard.'
Maggie stood up, patting the little dog's head before she moved away. She pulled out a chair for Jane at the scrubbed table. 'Sit down love. Breakfast? Or just a cuppa?'
'I'll make it Maggie, you sit down.'
'Come on; let me look after my guests. You'll be off soon and it'll be a while before we see you.' As instructed, Jane let Maggie bustle about the kitchen.
'I told Will that I want to stay in the city.'
'Ah, right. I thought you might have, love.'
'He's angry with me.'
Maggie turned to Jane, now seated at the table playing with the corner of the redundant tea cosy. She moved towards Jane to take the tea cosy and held still Jane's fidgeting hands.
'No, love. He's not angry. He's just frightened for you.'
'I'm frightened for him. But if I'm home I'll be nearer to everything I know and I'll feel that I'm nearer to any news and nearer to him.' Jane replayed her words to herself. 'That sounds silly doesn't it?'
'Not at all.'
'I should stay here really, for Will. Then he'll at least have that weight lifted from his mind.'
Maggie shook her head, surprising Jane. 'No you shouldn't. Not if you don't want to. Do what's right for you love. Of course it would be wonderful to have you here and, yes, Will would be relieved to know you weren't in the city. But that's what he wants, Jane, and it's not up to him.' Maggie slipped the tea cosy onto the pot, giving it a friendly tap. 'We're here if you change your mind, or if you just want to visit.'
Jane silently questioned her decision not to stay at the farm as she chatted with Maggie about everyday things, nibbled some toast and waited for Will's return. When she heard the Sunbeam pull into the yard, she tried hard not to leap up. Maggie's intuition beat Jane to it and, before Jane had chance, Maggie handed her a large overcoat and tipped her head towards the door. 'Go on. Go and make it right with your boy.' Jane smiled as she took the coat from Maggie, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek before she opened the door to a gust of cold air.
As she turned the corner to the yard, Jane saw that Will was showing Daniel something on the bike. The two looked up as Jane approached and Daniel, ever mature and discreet, said a cheerful good morning to her then headed indoors.
Jane hugged the large coat tighter around her as she smiled tentatively at Will.
'Good ride?'
'Yep, she's running well. It's good to have her back. Sorry I left you. I just wanted to…' He hesitated, looking for the words to explain something he didn't understand. 'I don't know what I wanted.'
'It's fine, I understand.'
'No it's not fine, not really. It was childish to go off and leave you. I'm sorry.'
'Don't be.'
'Well I am, so there.' He winked, then sighed any humour away. 'I don't have any control Jane. Everything's running away with itself. Not so long ago, everything was right. I loved what I did, I had a great time in the city, Harry and the family were all here to visit. The only thing missing back then was you. Now I have you but nearly everything else is gone.' All of a sudden Will looked exasperated and tired. 'I want to stay; God Himself knows how much I want that. But I can't pretend that I shouldn't be doing my bit. I won't hide from it. I've got to go and I want to go now, not wait for conscription.' Jane understood and nodded. 'Things are just dripping though my hands like water, Jane. I can't get back to work, I can't do what I love, I couldn't sort out the Hugh Callaghan mess I made, I can't ease Maggie and Jack's grief. I miss the theatre, I miss home, I miss Harry. I'm going to miss you.' Will touched Jane's hand and, feeling iciness, took both into his to rub them. 'I have to join up, I want to; but once I've done that I'm theirs. I will have no power to do anything but what I'm there for. I asked you to stay at the farm because I just wanted to know that one person was the same, one person was safe. The one person that has to be safe is you. I don't want to control you Jane, I want to protect you.' Jane stepped further into Will's arms. A moment after she did so Will held her back to appraise her, noticing for the first time the coat that she wore. Jane, confused, suddenly understood. It was Harry's coat.
'I'll take it off.' Jane started to slip her arms from the warm sleeves but Will stopped her.
'No, leave it on; you'll get cold. Maybe it can't always be me wrapping you up, maybe Harry's sending me a message.' Will laughed; it was a real, full belly laugh. 'You little blighter Harry,' Will continued to chuckle as his eyes scanned the sky and the stars that were still scattered there. 'Wherever you are mate, you're getting in between me and my girl; we're having a serious chat here.' Will took Jane's hands again and looked at her, still smiling. 'Maybe that's the point. We're being too serious. We can't be serious when you look like one half of Flanagan and Allen.' Jane looked down at herself in the oversized coat and chuckled. 'Come on, Flanagan,' Will said, pulling Jane towards the barn, 'let's see if the kids still use the lair.'
Continuing the joke that so amused him, Will sang Underneath the Arches a la Bud Flanagan as he led an intrigued Jane into the stone barn then helped her up a rickety ladder to the largely empty hay loft. There, some old hessian sacks and wooden crates had been roughly assembled amongst the farmyard detritus to form a hideaway. A few sheets of paper and half a dozen pencils were on the floor of the den, along with a deck of cards and a lone jumper. Will took Jane's hand as she stepped amongst the tools of childhood. Will settled on a crate and invited Jane to do the same.
'We used to be up here a lot. It was quite an adventure, being on the farm.'
'I can imagine.'
'We thought we had so many secret places, but Maggie and Jack knew them all; they just pretended not to. Harry and I would hide up here and spy on Jack. Of course, he knew we were here all along but he never let on; he played his part every time. He'd pretend to hear something and look round so we'd hide. We'd duck down and try to muffle our laughter. Then Jack'd be on his way and we always thought we'd got one over on him.'
Jane looked down at Harry's coat, optimism light in her mind. 'Will, I still carry hope that Harry will return. He's missing, but he could be injured somewhere, hiding, or a prisoner of war. When it's all over, he might come walking down that lane again.'
'I know there's that tiny chance, and some people might cling to that. We've not given up on Harry without any thought, but I think we're all grieving now because we don't believe we could survive it twice. But, saying that, deep down I really do believe he's gone Jane.' Will's voice splintered as he spoke and he struggled to find composure.
Capturing and holding his eyes Jane deepened the subject, hoping to provide some comfort. 'I know you were laughing when you were telling Harry off a minute ago, but do you really think he's looking down at you?'
Will shrugged. 'I'm not sure. I believe in God
and I believe in something after death. Do you?'
Jane nodded. 'Yes. I like to think, wherever he is, that Harry knows how much you all miss him and that everyone's alright.'
'He knows.' Will sounded certain, but the conversation was getting too serious for him. 'Maybe reincarnation's the thing. Maybe he'll come back as a woman. I sincerely hope he's not an actress; it would be mighty awkward if I had to kiss him.' Will pretended to gag as Jane shoved him, before pulling the coat tightly around her again against the cold. Will saw her shiver. 'If I go first, I'm coming back as that coat.' He raised an eyebrow suggestively at the way Jane hugged the coat so closely around her body.
'Well, I'll still be a woman. But I've always wanted to be a Jemima not a Jane. And if I go first,' Jane batted the comment straight back to Will, 'if I go first I'm coming back to check up on you.'
The playfulness stopped at Jane's words and Will looked serious.
'If you go first, Sunshine, I'll be waiting for you. I promise.'
Despite the light tone, the two looked at each other feeling something deeper in the playfulness.
'Another promise Will?'
'One I will keep.'
'Will, I asked you yesterday what I'm going to do if you don't come back. You just said that you will, you will come back.'
'I know.' Will watched her, dreading more.
'You just tell me you'll be alright and make a joke, or change the subject. I know that we can't tell what's going to happen and I know you see the possibilities. There are thousands of women waiting, every day waiting and dreading, but I don't know how to. How will I do it? The possibilities scare me to death, Will; more than any man with a thug's fist or a gun. And I don't know what to do.'
'I don't know how to answer you Jane, really I don't. You know what I'm like; I want to reassure you and make you laugh.' He took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. 'I lay awake for a long time last night.'
'I'm sorry. You should have woken me.'
'No, don't be silly. It was all good.' Will fastened the top button of the big coat under Jane's chin and then pulled her closer to him. 'I decided that I don't know what I believe, but I know what I don't. I don't believe that after finding you, death would be the end. I don't pretend to know how it works, but there has to be more. I know we're forced to think of this now because of how the world is. In different times we wouldn't be questioning this for us until we're old and grey. We'll know the answers one day, Sunshine, but not now. I know you're scared of me dying and I can't promise that I won't.' His voice hinted at humour for a moment, despite the subject, then the sparkle of jest in his tone was gone. 'But I promise you with everything I have that I will try to stay safe.' He could feel from Jane's shoulders and her breathing that she was silently weeping and gently wiped the tears away with his hand. 'I promise I'll do my best.'
'That's two more promises Will. I count three in the last five minutes.'
'Yes, and I promise these I'll keep.'
'Four.'
The seesaw of silly and serious stopped tipping to and fro, settling somewhere in between. Reality yawned itself awake to remind them it was time to return to the city. Jane and Will once more said farewell to their friends and prepared to leave. Maggie, Jack and the children hugged Will tightly not knowing how many more times they'd see him before he joined all the other men answering the call to arms. The extra firm hold didn't go unnoticed by Jane, who knew that it wouldn't be too long before she had to do the same. She kicked the thought away and tried to do the same to the ripping feeling in her chest.
As they rode through the lanes leaving the farm behind, with its waving hands and tearful eyes, Jane held firmly to Will. She knew that she too held him more closely than she needed. As they reached recognisable streets, Jane tried hard to pretend that they were coming home to their old routines; Will to the theatre and some new production, she to the Grandchester, he to his flat, she to Mrs Foster's.
Will had suggested that he and Jane stop off on the way home to make the dreaded and longed for telephone call to Mrs Cartlyn. He was loathe to wait until they were in London to make the call, but didn't want there to be any way that the Halls might get even the slightest scent of anything unusual by calling from the farm. The answer was to stop en route, so they pulled in to a little country pub at about their halfway point. Will bought them both drinks and then made the call while Jane waited, quiet and alone, in a corner of the bar. He returned quickly and slid along the old wooden settle to sit next to Jane.
'It's over Sunshine. It's all done.' He didn't smile, but raised his glass as Jane copied the act.
'That's that then.'
'Yep, that's that.'
They both knew what would come next.
As they continued their onward journey, a surreal haze settled on them. After weeks of adrenalin fuelled fear, of aggression, uncertainty, and murder, it was over. The turmoil and speed was halted in a flash. It was done.
The day was an odd one. A strange deflation settled on the travellers as they reached London. The city, still festive, had enjoyed a brief respite from the daily bombings but no-one dared to hope that it would last. Riding through streets they didn't need to travel to get to Will's flat, the pair braced themselves; they wanted to see but didn't want to see what damage had been done as they rode past places they hadn't been near for a long time. New holes gaped where homes should have been, but the Grandchester, Mrs Foster's building, the Majesty and the building which housed Will's flat still stood, defiant and proud.
The pair based themselves at Will's, unable to force a parting into separate lodgings. Until Will left they'd stay together, whether that was for days or weeks. Will suggested that no-one except the girls and the Halls should know that they were flouting convention and living together without a wedding ring; Jane no longer cared what anyone thought. After the unquestioning acceptance of the Halls, Jane's reticence was washed away; there were more important things to worry about than what society thought. As they continued with their plans, Jane and Will were strangely subdued by the anti-climax. Rather than the elation they'd both expected, the normality and foreboding brought a sad quiet to them.
Mrs Foster had packed up the remaining few belongings that Jane had in her room but kindly offered her room back when Jane and Will collected them. She explained that the number of people wanting lodgings in the city had drastically reduced so the room was still hers if she wanted it. Jane thanked her for everything she'd done and the welcome she still offered, but gracefully declined.
The pair then went back to the house that had been their brief sanctuary when they first returned to London. Both felt a pang of sadness as they removed the trimmings from the tree and it, in turn, hastily dropped its needles to the floor. Will disposed of the ailing tree while Jane carefully packed the redundant decorations into a cardboard box, to be treasured and carried with her, and then ensured that the house would be left as they'd first found it.
On hearing of Jane's return and anticipating her need for somewhere to stay Florence hastily spoke with her bohemian aunt who happily offered her third spare room to Jane, blithely declaring the more the merrier as she downed the last of a brandy before wafting from the house. Florence and Aggie were delighted at the thought of having Jane under the same roof as them again. Although Jane knew she would enjoy spending time with two of her dearest friends, she couldn't look forward to it, as moving in would mean that Will had left.
Will visited the nearest recruiting office alone, signing his allegiance and his life over to the crown. He was told to report the following week, at the very beginning of January 1941, for six weeks of basic training in Kent. After completing that, he would be deemed ready and able for service and his unit would then await, or immediately receive, their posting.
On 28th December Jane returned to work at the Grandchester. Whatever had transpired between Mrs Cartlyn, her erstwhile fairy godmother, and the hotel manager had ensured the safety of Jane's position.
&nbs
p; Her colleagues were all pleased to welcome her back, asking after her poorly mother who had been rendered ill by Mrs Cartlyn in a deftly distributed lie. Jane was pleased to report a full recovery.
Familiarising herself with the comings and goings of the guests, Jane scanned through the hotel register. She was saddened afresh to see the absence of Hugh Callaghan as a resident and took a deep breath to calm a sudden flash of nerves. Tracing her finger down the pages she stopped when she noticed another change, this time unexpected. The Hendersons had also left. They'd checked out of the hotel two weeks previously. Jane thumbed through the future bookings, waiting for their names to appear again, but she found nothing. She didn't know why they'd left and had made no advance plans for return; her mind tossed round the possibility that they'd decided to return permanently to their safe country home, or that Mr Henderson's work had invited a move, or possibly that Mrs Henderson, Maria, had forced the change. Jane was sure Mrs Cartlyn would know their reasons, but she wouldn't ask. There were many things Jane wondered about, a myriad of questions that could be posed, but there were an even greater number that she didn't want the answers to.
After finishing work on her first day back Jane visited Mrs Cartlyn, discreetly slipping up the employee staircase with no-one knowing that she hadn't left for home.
Jane knocked lightly on the door, feeling a nervous déjà vu. The old woman called for her to let herself in and Jane once again found herself in the company of the small but formidable woman who'd saved her and Will from something she still didn't fully understand. It seemed an age and a second since their previous meeting in the plush Grandchester suite.
'Hello Jane. Welcome back.'
'Thank you Mrs Cartlyn.' Jane gently closed the door. 'It's lovely to be home at last.' It was a benign semi-truth and Jane turned to see Mrs Cartlyn watching her silently.
'Yes, I'm sure it is.' She paused and watched.
Sunshine Spirit Page 18
