by Helene Gadot
Allegra
AFTER THE HORRIBLE and way too eventful day I have suffered through, singing out my confusing emotions with Zakar accompanying me is just what I need.
If I don’t, I doubt I’ll be able to sleep.
Zak keeps his playing soft, perfect as a background to the plaintive and wistful lyrics pouring out of me, giving voice to my pain and uncertainty. When we play down here together, music heals me, clears my mind. It’s not the infuriating and awkward and forced performance we have to give every week.
Without having to discuss it, Zak and I switch seamlessly to a song we didn’t come up with. We learned it from some of the other musicians who used to perform. Before she was killed.
They song isn’t bawdy enough to perform for the guards and it’s a little of a rallying cry for Arcanes if you pay close attention to the lyrics.
It doesn’t mean quite as much to Zak and I since I have no experience outside the prison and he doesn’t remember much of his, but the way everyone reacts to it always warms my heart.
Just like every time, voice after voice, instrument after instrument joins our song until everyone in the dungeon is a part of something beautiful, until we’re united in melody, one voice.
It’s always powerful when we all pretend at least for a few moments that we’re on the same side, that there’s hope for us, that one day maybe we’ll be free.
Instead of the way we turn on each other over a scrap of food, throwing someone else in the path of a whipping to save ourselves.
This helps remind us who the real enemy is.
For a little while tonight and maybe even tomorrow we’ll be a little better allies with this song still echoing in our souls.
I’m pretty sure I can pick out my mates’ voices only a few rooms down across the hall. Of course they ended up close by.
Their voices are strong and clear, emotion and belief vibrating through their tones.
It isn’t fair that they’re so beautiful and have lovely voices.
I focus on Zak’s playing as the song draws to a close and he switches into a soothing lullaby Tahira used to sing to both of us. We smile at each other, affection and memories strong between us.
So many years together, growing up the only children in the prison. Most of the time when child Arcanes are caught, they’re sent to a specific prison, supposedly not quite so horrible, not that anyone really knows for sure since they’re never transferred or seen from again. No one even knows the location of that one, the humans too worried the resistance would focus all their attention on freeing them.
Zakar being brought here was a mistake, some kind of miscommunication. One I regret for his sake if it is indeed better at the children’s prison, but one I’m also grateful for because it brought me him and he’s helped keep me sane.
So often, they experimented on us together and we healed together. We’ve seen each other at our worst and our best and shared secrets we wouldn’t dare tell another soul.
Maybe Rowan and those three are chosen by the universe or the gods or science, whoever decides and picks for us, but Zakar is my chosen soul mate. There’s nothing romantic between us and nor do I want there to be, but he’s my best friend.
He’s my family.
I don’t need these new mates.
Not when I already have so much else to lose.
But I can’t regret Zak. Or Tahira. They both came before Rowan and these mates and I hope and pray they’ll be here long after them.
We’re a family and we’re not currently accepting new members.
The lullaby ends and once it finishes echoing up and down the dungeon halls, a still silence falls over us all. Zak sets aside his guitar and opens his arms with a smile. I crawl away from our door and curl up against him on our pile of rags, breathing in his familiar scent, drawing comfort from his warmth in this always freezing prison.
It’s why we began sharing a room long ago. We used to bunk with Tahira as well, but she decided when we became teenagers that she wanted her own space. Though I still worry about her at night, alone and freezing.
But she’s a strong and stubborn woman, no matter how weak we are, how little food they give us, she somehow never gets sick.
She’s amazing.
And I’m so glad she’s the one who raised us.
“You all right?” Zak asks, his lips against the top of my head.
“It’s just been a weird day.”
I don’t really want to talk about it. I’m already exhausted after everything and can’t handle a long explanation of the stuff he still doesn’t know.
His arms tighten around me. “I could hear you even in the mine. One of the new guys looked real rough when he heard it. The vampire.”
I wince, feeling too guilty to keep it a secret any longer. “He’s my mate.”
Zak stiffens beneath me. “What?”
“Yes. And so is the incubus and the unicorn.” I flinch, almost like I’m expecting a blow.
He relaxes his body and shushes me, rubbing my back. “Three more mates?”
“I know. It’s unbelievable.”
Hours later, I'm still hoping I’ll wake up from this horrible nightmare.
“Why are you in here with me?” His voice comes out tentative and raw.
I sniff. “Because I don’t want them and they don’t want me. And do you really think I’d just abandon you? I didn’t with Rowan.”
Rowan never minded or objected over our relationship, always patient and willing to have Zak along whenever we were together.
“Still. Three new mates, you may want to take the night to get to know them. I would understand.”
I raise up on my arms to glare at the fool. “And if your mate shows up on the next cart are you going to leave me alone while you get to know her or him?”
He grimaces. “Well, no.”
I snort and settle back onto his chest. “Exactly.”
“Fine. But stop focusing on that and explain why you aren’t going to accept the bonds.”
“You know why. I told you back when Rowan died that even if I have another out there somewhere, I’d never accept it again. And I don’t know why they don’t want the bond either, but the unicorn and the incubus both were quite clear. I haven’t spent any time with the vampire yet.”
Zak traces circles on my back with his finger. “He’s a pretty decent guy. Once he got past whatever he felt while you were with the doctor, he worked hard and was friendly. The two of us paired up. Now I guess he chose me since he knows we’re close.”
I suck in a sharp breath through my teeth, not liking the sound of the vampire nosing around my best friend. He better not be planning anything to mess with Zak.
“Maybe, but like I said, they’re not looking for a mate. And there’s nothing wrong with you being close with him or them.” I’m uncomfortable asking him to stay away from my mates if they try to befriend him.
Even though I want to do exactly that.
Granted, I doubt it was anything other than the vampire trying to get a little information about me before they gave me the bad news that they won’t be accepting the mate bonds.
Sterling and the incubus both seemed shocked when I agreed with them.
Arrogant Arcanes.
Zak snorts, his chest vibrating from the force of his snarky amusement. “I’m not going to befriend your mates when you aren’t going to actually bond with them. My loyalty is to you.”
My heart warms at his reassuring words. “It’s your choice. It’s all weird and hard, but I’m hoping once a little time passes, our Arcane sides settle down and stop pushing so hard for it.”
I know I’m being foolish and possessive, but the idea of them all being friends makes me twitchy.
“I’ll try to help run interference. I’ll also at least try to get some information from the vampire about what’s going on with him and his friends and why they’re denying the bond.”
I melt back into Zak, touched and warmed by his loyalty, though
not surprised. “Does it matter? It makes things easier so I don’t have to talk them into leaving me alone and they’re upset that their mate doesn’t want them.”
“I guess. It’s just odd. Usually people are thrilled to find their mates, even here.”
There are several mated couples and groupings in this place. It’s the one secret we do all keep, the one area where we’re all loyal to our fellow Arcanes.
“Maybe they have some trauma in their past too. Or maybe they’re in love with someone else and don’t want to give her or him up for me. Or maybe they think I’ll get them killed. Or maybe they’re disgusted because I’m just a bird shifter. There could be a hundred reasons.” I don’t want to poke at it too hard, my self-confidence fragile enough.
I just need to find it a relief and leave it at that.
“I guess.”
“I know you’ve been hoping yours shows up.” I remember the dreams he used to whisper in the safety of our nights when Rowan was elsewhere.
Though it’s been a while since he spoke of those hopes. Probably because I lost mine and he doesn’t want to bring up painful memories.
“Not so much anymore.”
My head jerks in surprise. “What? Why? Don’t let what happened to me ruin mating for you.”
I’d hate to learn he lost his hope at the same time I lost mine.
Just because I’ve given up doesn’t mean he should.
“Why not? It certainly did for you. And I was with you every step of the way, I saw what losing him did to you. Besides, who can compete with you?” His fingers dig lightly into my sides accompanying his teasing question.
I chuckle, letting him lighten the subject. “Exactly. What do I need those three for when I have you?”
It’s the truth, too.
“You’ll always have me.” Zak’s tone is gruff, but affectionate.
I scoot my body closer to his with a smile. “Good. I’m not going anywhere either.”
“You better not.” He kisses the top of my head.
“Love you.”
“Love you too.”
Sometimes, I wish there was more between us, I wish we’d take the chance. It’ll already kill me if I lose him, just because our relationship changes into something romantic, it won’t make losing him that much harder. But I also don’t think he sees me that way. And if things went wrong, we’d lose one of the few people we care about.
And things would get really awkward around here.
A random question pops into my mind. “What’s the vampire’s name, by the way? I keep calling him the vampire in my head.”
Zak chuckles. “Archer.”
Chapter Twenty
Allegra
I’M ABLE TO AVOID MY new mates for almost a week. Even the incubus whose name I finally know is Gavyn since I overheard it in the kitchens. He’s a little harder to stay away from than the others since we work together, but with both of us putting in the effort, it’s been possible.
Tahira has been chatting his ear off and helps keep him away from me.
Not that he’s trying to come anywhere near me which is making it even simpler.
We mind our own business and go about our drudgery.
Archer continues to wink at me every day in the food line during the midday meal, but so far he’s resisted giving Zakar much information, surprisingly wily and good at ducking questions and changing the subject. Zak is determined to get answers even though I keep telling him to drop it.
Whatever their reasons are, it’s working.
My nightingale is still grieving, but she’s not quite as bad as she was when they first arrived.
Things are finally back to normal for the most part.
Which is a relief.
I guess.
Not that normal life here is anything good.
It’s harder to find the numb walls I usually keep built around me to help me get through my days here. When I feel my emotions too much, I have a harder time forging on. I have a harder time putting Rowan’s loss behind me. I have a harder time ignoring the taunts of the guards.
Taunts that have been getting worse lately and sticking in my mind, repeating over and over again through my head, stripping any good feelings I have.
Zak and Tahira keep trying to pull me out of myself, but I’m too dull and buried to respond.
And it’s not the mating bond, no matter what they think.
It took me a little time to figure it out since my new mates distracted me from it, but something the doctor did has me messed up, like I was stripped of something. But I don’t know what. I don’t know what he did to me, no memory other than pain.
This isn’t the first time it’s happened.
About a year or so ago, I spent almost a month like this after a particularly horrible afternoon with the doctor. I sort of died then too. Maybe that’s what it is. Spending any time on the verge of death might do something I can’t heal from in one short shift.
It takes a year at least for my flight feathers to grow back in before they’re clipped again. Maybe it takes time to recover from basically dying as well.
How many times can my body and soul handle it until I just don’t recover? Until that part of me never grows back?
And I just remain dead.
STERLING LIMPS INTO the refectory at midday with blood splattering his neck and a new uniform on. The doctor must be stepping up his experiments.
I haven’t been dragged back there since the day my new mates arrived, but Sterling has gone almost every day.
This is the first time he’s returned hurt though.
Fury washes through me, a possessive rage.
Whether we want him or not, the unicorn is ours and no one else should be touching him, especially to harm.
This is just as bad as when the doctor gets a hold of Zakar.
Seeing Sterling bloody and injured hurts my chest, the thread still trying to draw us together, pulling at me harder than it has since the first day.
Gavyn stiffens at the sight a few spaces down from me where we’re stationed to serve behind the counter.
For the first time, we exchange a glance of concern and anger, combined with our thirst for vengeance.
The asshole didn’t even let him shift so he could heal.
I’m so tired of just taking and taking and taking whatever shit they put us through. I’m tired of never fighting back. I’m tired of watching the people I care about coming back covered in blood and pain.
It’s infuriating and heartbreaking.
I may be just a bird and I may accept a lot of punishment without retaliation, but I do reach the point where I’ve had enough.
It’s rare, but it happens.
And I know exactly what to do and where to get what I need. Tahira taught me about it a long time ago.
We like to save it for special occasions.
I glance over at her and she’s already staring at me with a knowing glint in her eye. I shrug and a small smile curls the edges of her lips.
Zakar and Archer enter covered in dust and grit from the mines along with the rest of the workers and Archer notices his bloody friend right away, leaving Zak and rushing over to the grumpy unicorn.
Sterling ducks the vampire’s grasp with a wince. “I’m fine. We can talk about it later.”
Shocker. The prick doesn’t want help.
I don’t plan to help him though.
I just plan to get a little revenge.
And maybe give us all a small break from the evil doctor.
Chapter Twenty-One
Allegra
AFTER THE MIDDAY MEAL, Tahira helps me out by sending me to collect more vegetables from the garden. Apparently we need more potatoes and greens.
They’re the two vegetables we actually get a halfway decent crop of in this dry and gray climate.
I shoot her a smile in thanks and grab the basket we use for such runs, hurrying outside.
Usually, I’d enjoy the warmer than usual day and the frie
ndly sun shining down on me playfully from behind the constant clouds, but I’m too frustrated and nervous. Instead, I hunch my shoulders and pick up my speed as I round around the kitchens to the backside where the garden is.
Sterling looks up immediately, like he feels me coming, a very unwelcoming glare on his face.
Two guards move to block my way from their lounging position as they idly watch prisoners dig in the dirt. “What are you doing here?”
“I was sent for potatoes and greens.” I try to keep my tone pleasant and humble even though the mood I’m in makes me want to wound and harm.
The one on the left eyes me for a moment before moving out of my way. “Hurry up.”
“Of course.”
I ignore Sterling and head straight for Rillon, the gargoyle I usually deal with when I’m sent on these errands.
He smiles down at me, fondness on his face. “Run out of things again?”
I smile back, relaxing a little. “Potatoes and greens.”
He’s always been kind to me, sneaking me little flowers here and there when he can after I’ve had a particularly hard day, teaching me new songs, covering for me when I need an alibi.
He points at my mate. “Sterling is handling potatoes and I’ll get the greens for you.”
“Thanks.”
Damn. I was hoping to avoid the unicorn. I’ve convinced myself into retaliation for him, but if I interact with him it’s highly likely I’ll change my mind. He can’t seem to stop himself from saying something cruel.
Sterling apparently overheard because as soon as I approach him, he dumps potatoes into my basket. “There you go.”
“Thanks.”
He grabs another armful and dumps those in too, making me rush to grip the basket tighter at the sudden weight.
He sneers, but I ignore it.
I give him a short nod and keep my mouth pressed closed as I turn away and head back to Rillon who’s waiting for me with an armful of greens.
“Are you sure that’s all you need?” Rillon asks as he slides the greens on top of the potatoes.
I nod. “Yes. Thanks.”
“Of course. Think you and Zakar might sing again tonight?”
