by Sally Henson
She didn’t understand. “I’ve worked the past six years of my life on something that’s gone.”
“That’s the past. You have an exciting new future with more possibilities than you can imagine. What did you want to do after gymnastics?”
The future? There were no other options. That was all I thought about. I shook my head. “Gymnastics was my life. My future.”
“Was,” she insisted. “Clothing designer. Tech guru. Engineer. President. Welder.” Gamela counted off careers on her fingers. “You might not have noticed, but I like fashion. Authentic fashion, not cookie-cutter clothing.”
I had noticed she mixed things up in her weekend wardrobe, but it wasn’t like I knew anything about fashion. She had on a white, thin V-neck sweater that sat at the waistband of cropped black pin-striped casual trousers, and white sneakers. “Yeah? This is nice, but I’ve never been into fashion.”
She waved her hand. “You’re missing my point. Gymnastics was a short-term goal. Now you move on to a different goal. All those hours you spent weren’t for nothing. Dedication, focus, hard work … you learned how to do that. All you have to do is redirect your focus into enjoying the rest of the year and next year and use it to figure out what you want to do next.”
All she said was true. I had to look at this as a new beginning, not the end. Especially if I ever wanted to get out of bed on my own again. Gamela was like my life coach. My cheerleader. She was most definitely the best friend I’d ever had. “Except for all the extra work this spring, MLA was growing on me.” I smiled, thinking about how nice it was to have people in my corner. It took a lot to get used to after homeschooling.
“What’s that on your face?” she asked, brows knit together, pointing at my mouth. “Is that a smile?”
I swatted at her hand. “Shut up.”
“I have tea and a snack ready,” Mom said, poking her head out the door.
“We’ll be right there.” Gamela stood and reached to help me up. “We’re talking to your mom. Now.”
“I’ll do it after you leave.” I didn’t want Gamela to feel weird. She had just met my mom. And I needed to do it on my own.
Gamela gave me a look.
I crossed my heart and said, “I promise.”
Chapter 29
Gamela, Mom, and I spent the week of spring break at Ryan’s house. The neck brace was gone. The increased mobility allowed me to be more active. It helped me feel better. So of course, we snooped through Ryan’s room. We might have possibly done that anyway. But it was mostly empty of personal things. I did find a T-shirt of his that I wore to sleep in. Weird, I know. But I missed him. A lot. I hadn’t realized how important he’d become to me.
It seemed I’d pushed away all of the people I loved.
With every day that passed after my best friend boosted me out of my dark pit, I realized how selfish I’d been and how mean I’d been to my parents. Since Mom was present, I had taken most of my grief and anger out on her.
Mom and I finally had a long discussion. More than one …
“You and I can go back to Houston if that’s what you want,” she said with glistening eyes. “I can’t even say how sorry I am for taking Coach Steff away from you.” She sniffed.
Tears filled my eyes too. I glanced down at the white leather sofa cushion we were sitting on. “She told me, in the hospital, that she thought that I’d never make it back to the Olympic level again.” My whole body sighed in misery. “I was close, Momma, but maybe y’all were right.”
Even though I understood that my parents only wanted the best for me, giving up on my dreams smelled and tasted like losing. Admitting defeat just wasn’t in me. After I’d spent so many years working toward it, it would take more than a few weeks to move past it.
“Oh, baby,” she said, pulling me closer, and I snuggled into her side. “Life is so hard sometimes. Even for grown-ups.”
“It was easier when I was at home. You took care of everything.” Trying to manage gymnastics, a mountain of impossible schoolwork, that pesky thing called sleep, and spend time with Ryan … ended in an epic failure. I didn’t know how she’d balanced Dad’s schedule, volunteering with Hope Rising, and chauffeuring me all over the country for meets all those years. “I don’t think I ever said thank you.”
She kissed the top of my head, smoothing my hair down. “I love you so much. It wasn’t always easy juggling your schedule, your dad’s, and mine, but the good stuff isn’t always easy, now, is it?”
I shook my head. Getting to that level of gymnastics wasn’t easy. Maintaining it wasn’t easy. If I had the chance to go back and choose a different path … I’d still choose gymnastics. “What do I do now?”
“The world is at your fingertips, baby. If you want to go back to Houston, we’ll go. If you want to join your father in the Middle East, we can do that when you’re ready.”
“What about staying at Mt. Rainier?” I asked, surprised it wasn’t on her list of possibilities.
“I thought you didn’t like it here.”
As much as I wanted to stay in her arms, I sat up to look her in the eye. “I think I want to stay. Despite the cloudy skies, I’ve grown to love it here. And I have Gamela. She’s the best, Momma. Such a great friend. I never had a friend like her.”
“And Ryan?” She had told me how Ryan’s mom had contacted her and insisted she stay at their lake house.
“I really miss him. He was a good friend too, but I might have ruined everything.” I shrugged, not knowing what to do about him ignoring my requests to see him. I didn’t know if it was possible to fall in love at sixteen, but I couldn’t imagine liking a guy more than I did Ryan. Even if he hated me.
She nodded, smiling in that understanding way moms do, and opened her arms again. I didn’t hesitate to go back to them. I’d missed being this close to her, like we used to be.
We spent the next few days talking about what my new future might look like. MLA was where I wanted to be. It also seemed like the best choice that would allow me to recoup and hopefully continue gymnastics next year. My new focus would be academics, and the academy was top notch. Mom would go back overseas but come back to Houston for my summer break.
It was settled. The next week, I would start back at Mt. Rainier Legacy Academy. Yay for seeing my friends again. And Ryan. Which I was totally nervous about. Just the thought of seeing him again had my stomach flipping and twisting like a parallel bars routine.
Gamela put a few wavy curls in my hair. It felt awkward not to have it pulled up. I smoothed a hand down my shirt and then my skirt.
“Stop freaking out. You look great,” Gamela said.
Lacey tilted her head, assessing me. “Agreed. Glad your back, girl,” she said before hurrying off to her class.
My first day back at school. Though I was surprisingly eager to see my teammates, the one person I wanted to see the most had yet to respond to any of my messages. Not that I had sent him a truckload or anything. I might have typed out three hundred a day on my screen, but I deleted it every time.
“Do you see him?” I asked. Gamela’s height gave her an advantage so she could see everyone in the corridors.
She gave me a side hug. “Not yet. Don’t be too upset if he doesn’t want to talk, okay? Promise?”
The nerves as we went to breakfast were enough to keep me from eating more than a couple bites of fruit. Though they had died down after Ryan didn’t show, they were back, tumbling in my belly. “I don’t know if I can promise that, but I’ll try.”
Tessa came flying at me with her arms wide open. “Ally!” she squealed.
I braced for impact before she enveloped me in a Tessa hug.
She began bouncing on her toes. “Oh my gosh!” She pulled back to look at me.
My lips stretched into a smile. “Hey.”
“You’re back. Are you okay? Are you coming to the gym? When can you start working out? Oh!” She covered her mouth. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have jostled you like that.”
I sh
ook my head. “It’s okay. It’s good to see you.”
Gamela nudged me. “He’s down the hall.”
“I’ve got to go. We’ll talk later, okay?”
She waved. “Yes! Bye.”
Tessa’s bubbly personality always made me smile. It was a good boost at the right time. I headed in the direction Gamela navigated.
Tessa squealed down the hall, “Yay, Ally’s back!”
“Shoot!” Gamela paused in the hall, rising on her tiptoes to look ahead. “I lost him.”
My stomach sank. “It’s okay. I have class with him next period.” I swallowed. “I’m so nervous.”
“Whatever happens, message me.”
I nodded, and we parted ways.
First period came and went with no sign of him. Every step closer to Mr. Kremer’s class gained another symptom of my bundle of nerves. Dry mouth. Heartbeat acceleration. Perspiration. I was lucky to still be upright.
I peeked inside, scanning the room for the boy my heart longed to see. He wasn’t there, so I decided to take the seat where he’d annoyed me into liking him.
“Miss Woods, I’m so happy to see you back in class,” Mr. Kremer said.
“Thanks.” After settling in the seat, I stared at the open doorway in anticipation.
Ryan finally walked through as the class started. He took one look at me in his spot and opted for my old one, the farthest away from where I sat.
I had hoped that once we were in the same room, he would at least acknowledge I existed.
It hurt. But I had hurt him, too.
I sent Gamela the promised message.
Me: He showed up as class started. Darted out before I could say anything.
She sent me a huffing-with-anger emoji.
At lunch, there was no sign of him. By the end of school, I was tired and ready to go back to my room.
Today hadn’t gone as I’d hoped, but I had two options: accept defeat or dust off some determination and not give up.
Days two and three were a lot like my first day back. Ryan wouldn’t even look at me and somehow made himself scarce during eating hours.
Alexa Steel stalked toward me dressed in her warm-ups, plate in hand. She’d be heading to the gym after supper. I wouldn’t.
“Ally,” she said, taking a seat next to me. “You look good. When do you get released?”
Alexa and I weren’t friends. So when she joined me for supper, surprise was not an overreaction. “I don’t know.” Did I miss gymnastics? Like crazy. You don’t go from putting in over forty hours per week to zero and not miss it.
She nodded and took a bite of her rice. “I was jealous. Of your ability,” she said staring down at her food. “You may not realize it, but you pushed me to be better.”
I nearly choked on my chicken marsala. My last interaction with Alexa had ended in a few verbal daggers. I scrolled the food lines for Gamela, Lacey, anyone to save me from the awkwardness going down.
“Last year, I sent letters of interest with my highlights to UCLA and Iowa. My parents have other plans for me, but I think they might change their minds if I could get a top-five placement offer. And there’s a solid chance of that because of all the improvements I’ve made this year. Thanks to you.”
Gamela spotted Alexa, and she sent me a silent question. I responded with a slight shrug and pleading eyes for her to get her butt in gear before the situation turned bad. “Thanks?” It came out like a question. Did she have some ulterior motive? I was no longer the competition, so I wasn’t sure what else she’d have against me.
Gamela pulled out her chair. “Hi, Alexa.”
“Hi, guys.” Tessa sat down with her food like the whirlwind she was. “So, what are you talking about?”
I loved that girl.
Alexa looked at me pointedly and said, “About Ally coming back to the gym.”
Tessa and some of the girls wanted me to hang out during practice. All I could do was watch. Coach Heidi had said to come back when I was ready. I wasn’t there yet, but as some of the other girls joined our table, I knew it would be soon.
The conversation quickly turned to questions about Ryan and me. Instead of dodging them, I decided it was time to expand my circle of friends. I revealed what a total jerk I had been.
And Operation Class Clown was hatched.
Chapter 30
Instead of taking the seat in the back row where I’d sat ever since I’d hurt my ankle, I sat in the one assigned my first day at MLA. The room was abuzz when Ryan came. When he saw me in the seat, his gaze dropped to the floor and he went the opposite direction.
Seeing him with a constant frown brought tears to my eyes. I hoped that after this class, he’d at least not walk around with his knuckles dragging the ground.
Mr. Kremer had given us time at the end of class to work on an assignment when the first interruption came knocking.
“Mr. Kremer,” Alexa said, poking her head inside. “Could I speak to Kota?”
Mr. Kremer took the note in her hand and nodded.
Kota got up and left.
The second interruption came a minute after that, asking for another student. One by one, every student was called out of class, except for Ryan and me. After Mr. Kremer stepped in the hall, I think Ryan knew something was up, but he kept his gaze down.
He pulled out his phone and looked at his screen. It had to be the first photobomb, a picture of the two of us sent by Julian.
I stood and slowly made my way toward his seat, heart slamming against my chest so fast it was a jackhammer. Another flash of a new message lit the screen. That would be James sending a photo taken at the dance. Simon was up next.
I took a deep breath and prayed Ryan would stay long enough to hear me out. “I was a total jerk. The things I said to you at your cabin and when we got back …” I trailed off, shaking my head as he looked up with wide eyes and finally quit hiding. “It wasn’t true,” I said, my throat tightening at the lies I’d told him. “You were nothing but good for me. Going to your cabin was a great idea; it was me who couldn’t relax. I thought my dreams were slipping through my fingers because of you, but it was because of me.”
He broke eye contact, giving his head a slight shake.
I continued anyway. “You’d never hurt me, never do anything to keep me out of gymnastics. Slipping on the trail … that was my fault. Not yours.” Afraid I might scare him off, I stopped a few feet before his desk. “On the way back to the school, I thought all my fears that having a boyfriend would wreck my chances at the Olympics were coming true. Coach Steff didn’t allow boyfriends. I’d made a vow to my parents and her that I’d stay solely focused on gymnastics. If you’d shown up at the gym with me, she wouldn’t have thought I was serious about making the team. The whole thing is on me.”
He stood and said, “No. I shouldn’t have pushed you to get away. If you had …” He closed his eyes, throat bobbing, as he squeezed his hands behind his head.
I moved closer until we were inches apart.
When he opened his eyes, I could see the pain etched in them. Pain I’d caused. “Everything you worked for is over because of me, Ally. It was all my fault. You could have been paralyzed or even died because of me.”
My brows knit together. “Is that what you think?” His avoidance was because he thought it was his fault?
“It’s what I know. You twisted your ankle at the cabin. Being there was supposed to help, but then I …” He shook his head and let out a frustrated groan. “I didn’t wake you to come back like I promised. It is my fault.” His blue eyes glistened.
“Ryan.” I wanted to pull him into a hug and forget the last two weeks ever happened. “I made a last-minute decision to do a harder skill. I altered my routine and hit my head on the mat. And instead of stopping, I went on. I shouldn’t have vaulted. It wasn’t your fault.”
He pulled away. “Maybe not directly, but indirectly. I’m so sorry I did that to you.” He grabbed his laptop off the desk.
“Plea
se,” I said, blocking his exit. “Even if you don’t want to be more than friends, I miss you.”
He shook his head and met my gaze long enough to say, “You deserve better than me.”
“Ryan.” I gripped his forearm, needing connection, needing him to know the truth. “It’s you that deserves better than me. You were nothing but sweet and funny and made me happy at the worst time of my life. If you don’t believe me, ask Gamela.”
He sighed, body slumping in defeat. “You were right. I was just the class clown.”
He tried to sidestep me, but I slid my arms around his waist. “And I was the ice queen. Until you melted my frozen heart. You did call me Ally-bear, remember?”
The soft snort of air coming from him softened his expression.
“I miss you.” Three words I’d already said, but maybe if I repeated them, they’d sink in.
Hope and butterflies bloomed in my belly when he pressed his forehead to mine and said, “I can’t believe you’d want anything to do with me.”
“I really like you, Ryan Jacobs. Do you still like me?”
He slid his arms around me too and whispered, “More than you know.”
I hugged him tight, pressed my cheek to his chest, and breathed in the spiciness of his cologne I’d missed so much. And his hugs. He gave the best hugs. I might have let a sigh slip, but I didn’t care.
“Did you do this? Everyone leaving class? The photobomb?”
I tilted my head and looked up at his soft blue eyes. “Guilty. With a little help from my friends.”
His gaze flickered to my mouth as he leaned closer and pressed his kissable lips to mine.
The bell for the next class rang, and the door opened. Mr. Kremer cleared his throat as the rest of the class came back in, clapping and whistling.
“Kremer was in on it too?” he asked after we headed to the next class, hand in hand.
“Yes, but he said he’d deny it if he was called to testify.” Despite teaching the hardest class I had, Mr. Kremer had become one of my favorite teachers.
