by Cathy Gaitan
Chronicles of a Modern Zombie
From the Mad Journal of Mercy Mayhem
Chronicles of a Modern Zombie
From the Mad Journal of Mercy Mayhem
January 3, 2017
My name is Mercy Mayhem and I am a Zombie. I wasn’t always this way. I’d love to tell you I used to be a sparkly Human with a gleam in her eye and a hop in her step. The truth is I don’t know who I was before I became one of the ‘walking dead’ and quite honestly that’s the way I prefer it. No memories to bring me down. No family to tie me down. No friends to monopolize my time. No pets to demand my attention. No plants depending on me for survival. No life (sniff). There must be something in the air. Like I said before, this is the way I like it. Dead is where it’s at. Zombies rock!
January 4, 2017
So, just between us, I’m getting a little bored of eating brains. I’ve given this some thought and it might not be brains as a whole but the ‘donors’ I’m choosing. I always select intellectuals. I figured if you were grading brains theirs would be the best of the best. Kind of the Zombie version of a superfood. Nutritionists are always going on about the importance of including superfoods in your diet. Though I rarely admit to being wrong I am willing to consider the possibility that I may not have been one hundred percent right. I’m pretty sure the saying “variety is the spice of life” came from a Zombie. I have a new game plan. Artist in on the menu for tomorrow night. The type of artist is yet to be determined.
January 5, 2017
Who knew the life a Zombie could get so complicated? Tonight I tried a new brain dish. The donor was an actor (off, off Broadway but still). I think he may have been insane because, yikes, I’m tripping like crazy. I didn’t even know there were this many colors in the rainbow. It’s like everything is in technicolor. Why did no one tell me there could be side effects like this? I was walking home and there was music coming out of a bar. Before I even knew what I was doing I was dancing. I didn’t even know I could dance! What the ever loving hell? My plan for tomorrow is to find a damn Zombie manual. There must be one. Right?
January 6,2017
Well, no luck finding a Zombie manual. The only thing I could find were manuals on surviving Zombie epidemic/attack which by the way is totally useless. I hate to break it to the Human race but the dead are walking probably right beside them. It’s 2017 after all. In these times it’s not so hard to fake a pulse. There are products for everything. Deathly pale? No problem, a fake tan will fix you right up. Eyes a little vacant? No worries, just pick out a pair of contact lenses. I recommend the pair with the built in sparkle. Decomposition is an unfortunate bi-product of being dead. My key to avoiding it is to scarf down a load of pre-packaged junk food daily. Have you seen how many preservatives are in that stuff? Apparently that which kills Humans makes Zombies thrive!
Anyway, since I was unable to locate a manual I’m just going to have to figure this out on my own. I’ve been thinking about this and the key may be to have a balance. You know like eating science guy brain with a side of skittles. And maybe try to keep artist guy brain to a half portion to reduce the buzz. I could try alternating days for variety. That sounds like a good solid plan. Yeah me! Go Zombies!!
January 7, 2017
It’s been a few days since I last journaled. My balanced diet plan is going strangely well. I mean I feel super energized like all the time. This is not, in any way, normal for me. So, yeah, definitely strange. But the oddest thing is I kind of like it. I went jogging this morning just because I felt like it. I don’t need to. This body isn’t changing. Zombies don’t lose or gain weight. I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I see all these Humans jogging in the morning and always had the same thought. Why?
I started off at a slow pace because what’s the rush? Then this perfect looking Human girl eased up beside me. She turned and nodded at me kind of casual like. The next thing I know she’s kicking dust in my face! Okay, not literally but that’s what it felt like. That’s when I realized I’m competitive. This is not at all a Zombie trait. And it’s not even a tiny competitive streak. One minute I was staring at little miss sunshine’s back and the next I was hauling ass across the pavement like I was racing for gold. I came up beside her, paused long enough to take in her shocked expression and return her nod from earlier. Then I put on the jets and left her in my wake.
The satisfaction I felt was something I’d never felt as a Zombie. I mean Zombies don’t feel emotions. We just exist. Anger/joy, hate/love, resentment/satisfaction, jealousy/pride are not part of our existence. Those are Human emotions. Emotions weren’t a part of my existence until recently. Just between you and me I kind of like it.
January 9, 2017
Still trying to figure out my weird new emotions. While contemplating this I made an important discovery. Last night I was hanging out downtown trying to decide what to eat when I bumped into Wednesday’s meal. He wasn’t exactly as I remembered him. You know before I noshed on half his brain. He is now less human and a whole lot Zombie. I guess I inadvertently figured out how to create a Zombie. Apparently the key is to leave part of the brain intact. This guy was one of the boring variety (an accountant). Normally I’d eat the whole brain with a bag of candy but I just couldn’t stomach eating his whole brain. Maybe it was the run I took the day before.
So, anyway, I guess in a weird sense I’m the ‘mother’ of about 5 new Zombies. Is it strange that I want to mentor them? I just feel like I’ve learned some things about Zombiehood that could be useful to them. Things that I wish somebody had taught me when I first came into Zombie existence. Maybe having friends peers wouldn’t be so bad. We could form a secret Zombie Society. Zombie clubs are the best!!
January 11, 2017
Today I made contact with my Zombie offspring. He’s going by the name EZ Ryder. He went from a boring accountant to a Zombie with a kickass handle. In my opinion I saved him from himself. I may have helped him with the name selection. After all Dan Daniels is not a name you want to spend eternity using. So, yep, I am basically his Fairy God Zombie. He’s so lucky.
January 12, 2017
Maybe he had it right the first time. His personality is way closer to Dan Daniels than EZ Ryder. He is so aggravating. Yep, that’s right. One more emotion I’m not supposed to feel but I do. He is just so precise about everything. How much of the brain ‘exactly’ should he eat and which side the right or the left??? And how may skittles should he consume and which colors?!!! Who cares? What is his problem? I think he may have carried over too many human traits and as far as I can tell it’s none of the good ones. Are there any good human traits? I’m not sure. I’m getting a little confused. Can Zombies get stressed? Because I am pretty sure I’m there. It turns out I’m not meant to be a mother. Time to end this experiment. That’s right. I gave him a name and then I walked away! I’m a Zombie. We do that.
January 15, 2017
Three days since I abandoned my baby Zombie. It’s been blissful. I’ve changed my candy of choice to Nerds. It will be awhile before I can have Skittles without PTSD attacks from my days of motherhood.
The fledgling did give me a theory about these Human emotions I’ve been experiencing however. EZ obviously retained a lot of his human tendencies which he hopefully will lose at some point. But what if all Zombies start out that way? Maybe that colorful human whose brain I consumed had traits I’d carried into Zombiehood and later forgot. And maybe that Human’s essence was strong enough to kick those traits back into existence for me. I don’t know. It’s a lot to think about and I don’t have time right now. I have a Buffy marathon to watch. Too bad Spike was a Vampire. He would have made the best Zombie ever!
January 17, 2017
Is it possible for Zombies to get the blues? Even if it isn’t I’m pretty sure I’m swimming in it. I’ve never heard of a lonely Zombie. I might be the exception. Last night I sat in a bar and covertly watched a group of Humans getting wasted together. They talked and laughed while I sucked down diet cherry coke through a red straw and imagined it was salty tears and dead dreams. Stop judging me! Apparently even the dead have feelings.
I know I shouldn’t make plans on impulse. Look where that got me with EZ Ryder; desperately looking for an exit. This is different though. I think I need a support group. You know Zombies helping Zombies or something like that. No new Zombies allowed. This will be strictly for experienced Zombies.
Maybe I should take out an ad. That sounds too old school doesn’t it? Well, too bad! Social media is the Human way. Zombies harken back to a more glorious time. So how should I do this? I know:
Desperately Seeking Zombies
If you like Pina Coladas
And hunting in the rain
If you are not into yoga
But are dead to pain
Call me. Mercy Mayhem 867-5309
Wish me luck! I have a really good feeling about this.
January 21, 2017
Holy Hell there are a lot of weirdos in this town! I thought my ad was pretty clear about what I was looking for but apparently not. Damn you Walking Dead series!! I cannot tell you how many ridiculous Humans wanted to ‘cosplay’ whatever the heck that is. And then there were the kinky freaks who wanted to roleplay. I was supposed to play the Zombie (duh!) and they would be a Zombie hunter. And when they caught me we would…gag. Don’t even want to think about it. Disgusting humans. What the hell kind of drugs have they been ingesting? The Zombie is always the hunter. Always!!
It wasn’t a complete waste of time however. I did find a few legit Zombies. I’ll spend some time with each of them one on one and see how it goes. Hopefully this time next week I’ll have my support group assembled. Zombie Power!!
January 23, 2017
A couple of days in and I am two for two. And by that I mean I have a couple of Zombie comrades added to my support group. One is a female named Julia Caesar who is such a badass. Her hair is three shades of purple and she went for rainbow contact lenses. She’s kind of a revolutionary meaning she kind of wants to take over the world. Not kidding. She has maps and plans and everything. I guess a Zombie apocalypse could maybe be a thing sometime in the near future. I’m pretty sure her idea of Zombie support group is more like a Zombie Army. I haven’t told her yet that I’m more of a peace, love and harmony kind of Zombie (usually). I eat to survive but beyond that my motto is live and let die. I’d like to keep her in the group so I can keep an eye on her and stay in the know. Also, she’s got great style and I’d really like to update my look.
My other initiate is a male named Tupelo James. He’s the total opposite of Julie. Tupelo is way mellow. Not indifferent or oblivious it’s like he sees the chaos but it doesn’t bother him a bit. We met up in a really crowded sports bar with people bumping into us right and left. Lots of spilled drinks and loud cheering. Smooth as silk he murmurs, “Humans. You can’t live with them.” He looked at me and smiled. Smiled! That’s when I knew it was a lock. He was definitely in the support group.
So, yep, we are off to a great start. And it’s really interesting to me that we are not the same. I never imagined Zombies could have such varied personalities. Truthfully, I never thought Zombies had personalities to begin with.
Well, two down and eight to go. We’ll see how tomorrow goes. Positive thinking right? All will go well. It has to.
January 24, 2017
Just back from my one on one with Pinkerton Floyd (Pink Floyd for short). He was a little unusual. Okay a whole lot of strange. He smells like mango. Like on purpose. He actually puts on some kind of fragrance to make him smell like that. Weird right? And he has a ton of facial piercings. His lip, eyebrows, nose, tongue, cheeks. Then there’s the crazy Mohawk. The tips all connect. It kind of looks like he has a sawblade in his head.
Pink likes to people watch like me. He says he entertains himself by making internal bets on what the Humans will do. Drinking girl will stop at 3 drinks. Flirting boy will go home with obnoxious guy. At one point there was this total asshole talking trash to a group of girls. Pink looked at me with a smirk and said he knew what he was having for dinner tonight. I guess you could call him a vigilante Zombie. Of course he is a shoe-in for my support group.
I’m kind of curious to see what Julia thinks of Pink and vice versa. Yes, my Zombie circle is coming along just fine. Hooray for Zombiehood!!
January 26, 2017
It’s been a busy couple of days. I signed up for a 5k marathon. I know it sounds weird because what’s the point of synchronized running? It was just such a rush racing that human last week. This should be way better. Don’t you think? Anyway, I’ve started training since preparation is half the battle. I raced a kid on his bicycle yesterday. He was about six but whatever. I won. That’s all that counts. I’ve made necessary adjustments to my diet. I added Twinkies and Twizzlers. After all I can’t have any parts loosening up or falling off.
I also had two meetings with potential group members. One goes by the name Carmony Grimshaw. To be honest she is a little bit of a downer. She thinks Zombies are the final precursor to the end of the world. “Once you cannibalize self-destruction is the next step.” My personal theory is she was vegan in her Human life and is struggling with her new brain food addiction. I’ll have to consider how to tackle that problem. Maybe the group could help. She is definitely ‘in’. I mean problems like hers are why we need a support group.
The other Zombie kind of tried to kill me. His name is Dirth the Chosen. I should have expected something wacky from him with a name like that but to be honest all I thought was ‘ego complex’.
He was wearing a gray robe thing with a hood. His eyes were this super eerie coal black. He said he was the chosen leader of the Zombies meant to lead his people to true knowledge. It was then I started side eyeing the exits. Oh, and also when he hissed, yep, literally like a snake and told me “Slave you haven’t earned the right to address me by my given name. To you I am Chosen One.”
I stood to leave and he went all Jason Bourne on me with the steak knife. Lucky for me I studied martial arts or at least City Hunter. You could say K-Drama saved me. He never saw that spoon coming. Needless to say he did not make the circle.
Well, at least we’re one more Zombie closer to completing our support group.
January 27, 2017
I’ve been thinking about the fight I had with Crazy One. Is it too late to change my support group to a fight club? I kicked that creep’s ass and it was awesome. Maybe we could call it ‘training exercises’. I’m sure Julia would go for it. Of course Julia would probably not be as easy to defeat as Dork the Unchosen. I’ll have to think on this.
I added another Zombie to our group. Her name is Kailani. No last name just Kailani. I really like it actually. Almost wish I’d thought to do that. Anyway, she’s really interesting that one. She has a ton of hobbies (gardening, painting, cooking). She says she likes to fill her time. I think she’ll be a really good addition. In Human speak I guess you would classify her as normal. In Zombiedom she would definitely be categorized as abnormal. I find I really like abnormal.
Go Zombies!!
January 30, 2017
I’m pretty sure I’m being stalked. I catch glimpses of someone out of the corner of my eye but when I turn there’s nothing there. I assume the stalker is Zombie because I can move fast when I want to but they are always faster. I’m waiting it out for now.
I’m still in training for my upcoming 5k. It’s in March so I have plenty of time. A couple of days ago I raced a bus and absolutely crushed it. Sure it was public transportation and had several stops but still. A win is a win.
I’ve added two new members to our club. One is a female n
amed Paisley Templeton and a male named Denim Rain. They’re actually a couple. I don’t know how that works but I guess we’ll find out. They perform in a small nightclub. Paisley sings and Denim plays the piano. Who knew there were musical Zombies?
February 2, 2017
My stalker continues to evade me. Either that or I’m just crazy. It’s a toss-up. Between you and me I’m kind of leaning towards crazy. Why would anyone want to stalk me? This Zombie’s life is not that exciting.
My 5k training is going swimmingly. I mean this literally. I swam with sharks yesterday. Okay, not really. But I did swim in a pool after hours meaning in the dark. I don’t think I knew how to swim as a Human because I pretty much sank to the bottom the minute I dived in. That’s right I dived from the high board. It ended in a belly flop but I jumped. And that’s all that matters.
By the time I left the pool I had taught myself to swim. Sure there was a whole lot of splashing and I did drink my fair share of pool water. But I’m pretty sure that’s just the way Zombies swim. Don’t argue with me! Zombies swim like that.
I haven’t added any more Zombies to my prayer circle. The truth is I bailed on a couple of potentials. There was no reason really. I just didn’t feel like meeting them. One was named Mary Mary and the other was Biz Mark. Looking at those names can you honestly tell me I was wrong to stand them up? I can feel you judging me. Okay, fine!! It was wrong of me to stand them up. I should have told them not to bother showing because there was no way they were making the cut.
