by Brianna Hale
My heart aches at the memory of his smiles.
“Lately, since I lost you, not so much. But I’m hoping that you might give me a reason to smile again.” He reaches out and brushes the back of his fingers over my cheek. “You’re not a puzzle, Lacey. You showed me the most vulnerable parts of yourself, and I thought she was beautiful every single time.”
Nothing’s changed since the day I realized Stian and I could never work out there in the real world. The only thing that could allow Stian and I to have a chance would be if my anorexia suddenly evaporated and I was healthy again. Miracles don’t happen.
“Things were so much easier when you were my boss,” I tell him. “I should never have let you think it could be more than a kinky work relationship.”
“You didn’t let me do anything. I found you, and my heart went rampant.”
I squeeze my bear so hard I’m practically choking him. “You can’t say things like that,” I whisper fiercely. “It’s not fair.”
Stian shifts a little closer. “I know how strong she is, that other part of you. I’m not going to pretend that I’m stronger than her. But I promise you that no matter what she tells you about me and how I feel about you, she’s wrong. She wants you for herself, and I’m not going to let her take you from me.”
The one person she’s most cruel to after me is Stian, and hearing her tell me that he thinks I’m disgusting, greedy, lazy and stupid is incredibly painful.
I shake my head. “If we face her, she might make me say and do the most horrible things to you.”
“Maybe she will, but I’m not afraid of her.”
My parents have to love me and forgive me, and even through the worst of times I know that they’ll always be there for me. I don’t want to hurt them, but I know I do. I wonder sometimes if they miss their other Lacey, the daughter I was before I got sick.
I sniffle and rub my nose. “I was a happy child. Can you believe that? I don’t know why everything changed.”
My other hand is in my lap, and Stian reaches out and tentatively touches his pinkie finger against mine. I look at his large hand laying alongside my small one.
“When was the last time you were totally and completely happy? What were you doing? It can be anything.”
I think for a long time. “I was thirteen or fourteen, and on holiday with mum and dad in Singapore. The awful thoughts about my weight had started, but because we were far from home, I’d somehow left them behind me. There was an enormous fish tank in the lobby filled with tropical fish. I would watch them for hours. They were so peaceful. I was happy then, doing nothing. Just watching them swim.”
Stian reaches down and picks up a stuffed animal that’s laying on the floor. He examines it carefully, turning it over in his big fingers. It’s a dolphin, its blue fur almost gray from age and washing. “Did you know there’s an aquarium in London? Along the river, not far from the Eye. Why don’t I take you there?”
“You’re a grown man. You don’t want to go to the aquarium.”
“Are you kidding? I love fish. Who doesn’t like fish?”
Maybe he does. We might even have an okay time, and I could get home before I needed to eat my next meal. But then what? There are a thousand things we couldn’t do together, and eventually he’d feel every single one of them. He’d become frustrated. He’d grow to hate me.
“I can’t go to normal places with you. Restaurants and bars and picnics. That’s impossible for me.”
“Do you think I care about that? You’re what I want, Lacey. If you do your homework at my house while I look after my plants, isn’t that wonderful? Isn’t that perfect?”
Tears spring into my eyes, because what he’s describing could be wonderful. “But why would you settle for that?”
He looks up from the stuffed dolphin, shaking his head and smiling as if he can’t believe why I’m asking that. “Because I love you. And don’t you fucking dare call that settling.”
“But you can’t,” I say in a cracked whisper. “Love me.”
He reaches out and caresses my face. This was just supposed to be a short, kinky office relationship. He was never meant to fall in love with me.
I was never meant to fall in love with him.
“Hey,” he whispers, pressing his forehead against mine. “You can’t tell me what to do. I’m the runemaster, remember?”
Despite everything, I give a gulpy sort of laugh. He puts the dolphin down and pulls me into his arms. “You’ve got to stop ruling things out for yourself, älskling. If you love me too, then we’ll find a way to make it work. Don’t you think I can do that?”
I look into his eyes. My control freak. I twist my fingers through his, feeling their warmth. I’ve tried for so long to force myself into the right shape for the world, so it accepts me. Stian’s used to bending everything out of shape to accommodate him. But not everything wants to bend, and if it doesn’t, he lets it go.
Except me.
“Sometimes I think you can do anything,” I whisper.
“Well, then,” he says, brushing his lips against mine, “you should just go ahead and let me love you.”
I want that, more than anything. I hold my breath, wondering if I dare. I can feel her circling in my mind like a witch on a broom, and she’s screaming at the top of her lungs that I belong to her. Stian and I might fail at this. The world might not ever be the right shape for us to fit into it together. We might bend so far that we break.
I have two choices: to give up completely, or to try with Stian.
I swallow, hard. “I’m scared. But I want you so damn much.”
“Älskling.” He kisses me hard, his lips slanting against my own, and then folds me in his arms and holds me tightly. His body around mine is so big and strong, and I lean into him, letting the bliss of his embrace overwhelm me.
When we part, he cups my face in his hands and rubs his thumb across my cheek. “You’re not alone with this. I will help you.”
“She’s out of her box this time,” I tell him. “She’s going to fight, and it’s not going to be easy, for either of us. Are you prepared for that?”
Stian smiles his gentle smile. “I’m sure, because this time she’s out and flying too, isn’t she? Hope.”
I bury my face in his shoulder. He’s right. I can finally feel the brush of her wings, very faintly. And maybe, just maybe, I can feel her getting stronger.
“When was the last time you had any proper rest?” he murmurs into my hair.
“So long.”
“Come on. Lie down with me for a bit.”
Fully clothed, we lay on the narrow bed. “Tómr ok munu,” he whispers. “Slow and sure. I knew that if I was patient, I’d find my way back to you. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, staying away, but you were never gone from me. I could sense you, always, like a needle pointing the way home.”
Tears blur my eyes, and I whisper. “Through the storm.”
The warmth of his body surrounds me, and the beat of his heart against my ear is more soothing than a lullaby. My eyes drift closed.
I wake up sometime later and find that Stian’s still in my single bed with me, his arms wrapped around me. He’s fallen asleep, too. We must both have needed some rest. I let my eyes travel over the planes and angles of his handsome face, remembering everything he said to me.
As I nestle closer in his arms, he makes an mmm sound, and his eyes open.
“I’m afraid,” I whisper to him. “I think I’ll be a little bit afraid all my life, but I want to try.”
He reaches out and strokes a forefinger gently down the bridge of my nose. “So do I. And I always will.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Stian
“Would you like to spend the afternoon at my house?” I ask her. “Just a few hours. I’ll bring you back before dinnertime.”
She snuggles closer to me and whispers, “Yes please, daddy. That would be lovely.”
I smile down at her, warmth expanding through m
y chest. “You still want to call me that?”
“I want all the things we had together before. Do you?”
“Yes I do, my little bonsai.” I glance at my watch. “All right, it’s just after one o’clock. How about I drop home for a bit, and come back to collect you after lunch. It must be time for you to eat.”
She nods and sits up, a determined expression on her face. Her hair is in tangles and her pajamas are wrinkled. She’s never looked more beautiful.
I kiss her mouth and tell her I’ll be back in an hour and a half, and head down the stairs. Mrs. Petrou looks at me expectantly as I come down the stairs.
“Back shortly,” is all I say with a smile, and head out to my car.
There’s not much for me to do at home and I can’t settle to any reading. I fidget with things in the living room, feeling like a teenager having a girl around for the first time, wondering what she’s going to think of me.
At a quarter past two, I get back in my car and drive back to Lacey’s. She’s waiting for me by the letterbox, wearing a dress and jacket and with her hair brushed and waving in the breeze.
She gets in with a lunchbox in her hand. “It’s my dinner. I thought maybe I could try eating it in the greenhouse tonight, if I may?”
“Of course you may. You don’t even have to ask.”
When we get to the house, we store her lunchbox in the fridge, and I take her out into the back garden. I have six new bonsai to show her. I’ve had a lot of frustrated time on my hands lately.
“This was a beautiful pink azalea over the summer,” I say, running my finger over a bare branch. “She was my favorite.”
Lacey’s wearing a pink dress. When she presses close to me, I trace the neckline with the same finger. Her lips part as she looks up at me, but I turn and point out a Japanese maple.
We end up laying on the grass in the last of the afternoon sunshine, me teaching her the rudiments of Swedish grammar. It quickly devolves into her trying to roll her Rs, and me trying to make the th sound, and us laughing at each other.
“Th,” she coaches me. “This. There.”
“Dis. Dere. What? I said it perfectly.” I grin at her and pick a piece of grass from her hair.
Lacey giggles and props her chin on my chest, her eyes lighting with amusement, and then something else. She presses her lips against mine in a soft, tender kiss. Heat flashes through me and my arms wrap around her, English phonetics forgotten.
“Would you like to go inside?” she whispers.
I glance at the house. There are fresh sheets on my bed. We have hours and hours and I’ve barely let myself even think about making love to Lacey while we were parted. It was too painful, and too much like tempting fate. “It’s such a nice evening. We could stay out here for a little longer.”
Lacey walks two fingers up my chest. “Or we could go upstairs. You’re not avoiding being with me like that, are you, daddy?”
“No, I’m just…” I trail off, seeing how she’s looking at me.
“I won’t break, you know,” she says solemnly.
I clear my throat. “I know that. It’s just that the last time we slept together—”
“The last time we slept together, it was beautiful. This time it will be even more beautiful because we know for sure what we are to each other now.”
The expression on Lacey’s face reminds me of when she would persuade me that her way of doing something at the museum was the most efficient way, and she was always right. “You make excellent points, Miss Petrou.”
She grins at me. “Thank you, sir. You always did take my good ideas into consideration.”
I pull her tightly against me, but I’m still uncertain. I’m just happy to have her with me. I don’t need anything else. “Only if you want to. We don’t need to today.”
Lacey stands up and tugs me to my feet. “I want to like crazy.”
We don’t make it upstairs to my bed. In the living room, we undress each other quickly and then fall onto the sofa. I feel high from the sensation of her skin against mine after so long.
Lacey climbs up onto me and straddles my hips, holding onto the back of the sofa. I cup her hips in my hands, rubbing one of my thumbs in slow circles on her clit. She moves slowly back and forth along my cock, her slippery sex coating my length. I reach up and take a firm hold of one of her breasts, groaning.
“You feel amazing.”
She takes a shuddering breath, her eyes closing. “I don’t think I can wait.”
Taking my length in her hand, she angles me against her sex and moves her hips, working my cock into her. She watches me questioningly as she slides up and down, as if wanting to know if she’s doing it right.
“Perfect, älskling. Just like that.”
As her confidence grows, her movements grow bolder. I start thrusting up to meet her, and her cheeks flush pink. One by one, I take her hands and place them on my chest.
“Hold on to me.”
Grasping her waist, I pound up into her, fast and greedy. Lacey moans and tips her head back, her body turning pink. Her cries increase in pitch and I know she’s going to come. I reach up with both hands and wrap them around her throat. She looks at me desperately as her peak approaches, pleading with her eyes. Pleading with me not to let go.
She orgasms, and I squeeze her pretty, slender throat. Her inner muscles ripple along my length, and I burst beneath her, thrusting up hard into her tight little pussy.
Lacey collapses onto my chest, breathing hard. Then she starts laughing. “I think we both needed that.”
I kiss her damp cheek. “You’re not fucking wrong, älskling.”
She untangles herself from me and lies flat on my chest, tucked under my chin. She peers up at me. “You always used to call me sharasta.”
“Käraste.” I correct her pronunciation. “It means darling. But now you are älskling. Beloved. You are loved by me.”
“How do you say I love you in Swedish?”
“Jag älskar dig,” I whisper slowly, letting her hear the long, soft vowels and the gentle consonants. “I’ve said it to you before. Do you remember?”
She looks puzzled for a moment, and then she opens her eyes wide in realization. “At the hospital. You were there after my surgery, and you said something. I wasn’t sure if I dreamed it or not.”
I pull her close to me, resting my chin on the top of her head. So she did hear me. “It wasn’t a dream. I said it then, älskling. Jag älskar dig.”
Lacey whispers it back, and her eyes close. My poor girl is utterly exhausted, and she falls asleep within a minute. I lie quietly beneath her, watching her sleep, until it’s time to wake her for dinner.
She eats in the greenhouse while I make scrambled eggs for myself in the kitchen. After, we both wear pairs of my joggers and my T-shirts as we sit on the sofa and watch a Louis Theroux documentary. Lacey curls herself into my side, hugging a cushion. It’s incredibly mundane, and absolutely wonderful.
By nine-thirty she’s yawning every other minute, so she changes back into her own clothes and I take her home. She’s smiling and sleepy when I kiss her goodbye at the front door. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Yah aksar day. Did I say it right?”
“Slightly mauled,” I tell her with a grin. I have every reason to smile now, and I can’t help myself. “But still beautiful, ängel. I love you, too.”
She pokes me in the chest, laughing. “I’ll get it right. Night-night, runemaster.”
I smile the whole way home as I drive. There’s a text message on my phone when I walk in the front door. It’s from Chris Petrou.
We heard Lacey laughing when you dropped her home. We’ve missed that sound.
I smile as I type my reply. Me, too. Goodnight, Chris.
“How was your therapy session?”
We’re sitting on the sofa at my house. Lacey’s just eaten her dinner in the greenhouse and now she’s got her legs over my lap. I put a marker in The Asia Minor Journal of Antiquitie
s and lay it aside.
Lacey takes a deep breath. “Good. Doctor Loftin says I should talk about them with you, actually. Do you mind?”
I smile and shake my head. “Of course not. Where is your anorexia right now?”
“She’s right here with me, doing her thing.”
I study her face, searching for signs of fear. It’s been three weeks since Lacey and I started seeing each other again. We’ve been taking things slowly, as we promised each other. She spends a few evenings a week and usually a whole weekend day at my house, but she hasn’t slept over yet.
“Tell me what she’s been saying to you.”
Lacey purses her lips and fiddles with the hem of her dress. “The usual things. She hasn’t been overwhelming yet, but that’s because I haven’t tested the limits she’s set for me.”
I would like to start doing that, but I’ve been waiting for her to suggest that we go somewhere new, or have a sleepover, or try eating together. Trying not to seem too interested, I wait for her to go on.
“My homework is to start introducing new experiences one by one, and practicing letting what she says to me flow off my mind like water. Maybe we could do something together. If you want to.”
I kiss her hair. “I think that’s a wonderful idea. How about we go on that date I suggested? The aquarium on the river.”
Lacey smiles at me, and rests her cheek on my shoulder. “That would be perfect. It’s Saturday tomorrow. We could try then, maybe?” She pulls out her phone and works out how long it will take us to get into Central London and then walk over to the aquarium. “If we spend just thirty minutes at the aquarium, I can make it back home in time for lunch.” She looks stricken, as if she’s worried that the idea is stupid after all. “I’m sorry. That’s not very long.”
“Tómr ok munu,” I tell her. “Slow and sure.”
Lacey caresses my cheek, and then kisses me. “Tómr ok munu,” she whispers back.
The next morning, I pick her up and we get the train into Waterloo and walk over to Southbank and the great wheel of the London Eye. There are already crowds forming, and I hold firmly to Lacey’s hand. I walk slowly. If all we have is five minutes looking at the fish it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to rush her.
