What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t give Sophie every advantage to nail her audition for the performance?
“Of course. I’ll write it up tonight and send it to you.”
“Oh, Emme.” Sophie hugs me. “You’re the greatest friend ever! I’m eternally indebted to you. You are so getting an entire paragraph in the liner notes for my first album. To Emme, who has been my biggest supporter and friend since day one.”
I know that Amanda could never replace me. Really, when I think about it, she’s helping me out. Senior year is going to be busy and I need to let go a little. I don’t have the time and I can’t do it all. If I keep trying to juggle everything, someone is going to end up getting shortchanged and I don’t want to do that to Sophie and the guys, not to mention to my sanity.
After Sophie leaves, something registers in what she said. Her album. We used to discuss how I was going to write and produce her albums. But she hasn’t said anything about me being part of her album in months.
Wow, Emme, needy much? I think.
Senior year hasn’t even started, but I’m already worried about not being a part of an album that doesn’t even exist yet.
I know how much I mean to Sophie. I’ve got to remember her Plan. I’ve always been part of it, a big part of it. And nothing will change that.
“I seriously can’t believe you let her do that,” Ethan whispers to me a week later at the auditions for the freshman welcome program. We’re all lined up in the hallway waiting our turn.
I try to look content as I watch Sophie walk into her audition with Amanda. “She’s been practicing the song more with Amanda than with me,” I explain. “Do I need to remind you that I’ve been a little busy rehearsing with you guys?”
Jack stops twirling his drumsticks for a second. “Yeah, for two hours a day. You’ve got twenty-two other hours for Sophie. But apparently that isn’t enough for the wanna-diva.”
It’s an argument we’ve had a lot. Ever since freshman year, there has been this pull on me between the guys and Sophie. Sophie thinks I spend too much time with them and they — well, they don’t like her.
Ethan motions toward the door to the auditorium stage. “She’s in there right now singing your song. Do you really think you’re going to get the credit for it? You have to remember that this audition is also about you. You are being judged right now … if she even bothers to mention that it’s one of your songs.”
“She would never …” I know there’s no way Sophie would take credit for the song. Everybody knows I write her songs. And she’s been practicing with Amanda more than me, so am I supposed to punish her because I’m the one who’s not available?
They don’t get it. And they never have.
Ethan shakes his head. “She’s already done the unforgivable, if you ask me.”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t ask.”
Ben gets up and crouches next to us. “Hey, guys, we’ve got our audition coming up, so can we just concentrate on that, please?”
We both nod.
“Hey, Emme.” Carter comes up to me. “Where’s Sophie?”
I point to the door. “Oh,” he says. “Why aren’t you in there?”
Ethan gets up and walks away. Carter takes his seat.
“She’s in with Amanda.”
“Oh.” Carter looks upset. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
He gives me a look that says No, it’s not. And maybe it isn’t, but there’s nothing I can do about it now. Ben’s right; I’ve got to get my head into our audition. That I can do something about.
I gesture toward the script rolled up in Carter’s hand. “What are you doing?”
He looks at it. “Oh, I’m doing a monologue from Death of a Salesman, but this is the script for tomorrow’s scene.”
I don’t know how Carter balances everything we do with school and acts in a soap opera at the same time. I know his mom worked out some arrangement so he only works about ten hours a week, but still.
He flips through the pages. “You don’t even want to know what shenanigans Chase Proctor is up to now.” He laughs and messes up his overly styled blond hair.
Oddly enough, I haven’t really watched Our Lives, Our Loves since I’ve known him. Sophie was always obsessed with it, so I get updates every now and then about Carter’s character, Chase Proctor, the good guy who turned bad after his parents got a divorce when his father started cheating with his mother’s twin sister, who everybody thought was dead after she was trapped in a house that was set on fire by Chase’s estranged grandmother, who … oh, never mind.
Sophie and Amanda emerge from the audition, and Sophie heads straight for Carter. “You weren’t here to wish me luck.”
“But you don’t need luck when you have a song by Emme,” he says, grinning at me.
“Oh, hey, Emme!” Sophie gives me a big hug. “The song was great. I could tell they loved it.” Amanda hangs behind her. She won’t even talk to me. I don’t know what she has against me since we’ve only ever exchanged a handful of words in the past. She’s the only junior here, so she should show me some gratitude for being such an unreliable friend that it got her into the audition.
I debate thanking her for helping out, but then I hear our names being called. “Emme Connelly, Jack Coombs, Benjamin McWilliams, and Ethan Quinn.”
“Good luck, Emme,” Carter calls out. I turn my back on them just as I hear Sophie reply, “Sure, you wish her luck.”
Ethan can tell something’s wrong. He grabs me by the shoulder. “Please don’t do this right now.”
I look at him. “Do what?”
“Question yourself, your friendship, whether you belong here. Because you do belong here. You’re one of the best students here. I know it, the teachers know it, everybody knows it. She knows it. I wish you did.”
He walks to the center of the stage, picks up a guitar, and pulls the microphone stand up to match his height. Jack goes behind the kit while Ben grabs the bass. I stand there for a second before I instinctively pick up the other guitar and stand to Ethan’s left.
This stage, one I used to admire as a kid going to CPA productions, is so familiar to me now. But what I feel isn’t familiar. Usually I get nervous doing the walk from the hallway to the stage to audition each semester. But this time I don’t feel nerves at all. Because I’m with the guys. I don’t get nervous performing with them. Sure, I used to, but we’re a team, a musical family. We’ve grown up together.
“Hello, we’re Teenage Kicks and we’ll be performing an original song that I wrote,” Ethan says into the microphone.
I remember the first time we performed together. Ethan wouldn’t even look out into the audience, let alone speak to them. He stared down at the floor the entire time. I’m not sure he’s ever forgiven us for making him be the lead singer, but he has the most incredible voice. The second we heard him sing, we knew we had our front man.
He turns back and looks at each one of us. When he gets to me, he asks, “Ready?”
I’m not sure how prepared I am for senior year, the showcase, and college applications, but in this moment, I know that with these three guys behind me, I can do anything.
I look at him and smile. “Ready.”
We’re about to find out who made the cut. I can see the tension in all the students walking into CPA. Everybody but me. It’s not like I’m some hugely confident person, but I’ve been dealing with rejection like this for so long, it’s not even a big deal to me.
But it is to Sophie.
She squeezes my hand as we ascend the stairs.
SOPHIE: I don’t know if I can handle another year of this. I mean, I need this, you know?
She leans against the wall near the entrance. I brush a loose piece of hair from her face. Sophie’s been a nervous wreck since the auditions. I study her and wonder what happened to that super-confident girl who approached me sophomore year and straight-up asked me out. At that point, all I got was glares from the students. Ha
lf of them hated me because they thought I was a hack and would recite my infamous Kavalier Kids line, “Anytime a stranger is in need, the Kavalier Kids will be there, indeed!” as I walked down the hallways. The other half despised me for landing every lead role and getting all the press.
But Sophie was the first person to show me an ounce of kindness. She treats me like a normal guy. She’s put up with my crazy schedule, public appearances, and fans (who do not appreciate me having a girlfriend). She was also there for me when I was starting to doubt a lot of things.
It probably started the night of the Inside the Outside premiere — I wasn’t in the movie, but I was invited to decorate the occasion. Not quite Oscar night, but there’s still a red carpet and a long line of reporters to deal with before you’re allowed to take your seat and watch the movie. (Most premieres aren’t even about the movie; it’s about being seen on the red carpet or at the after-party.)
The lights were flashing so quickly, and I could barely focus with the paparazzi screaming my name over and over again. Sophie patiently waited off camera with my publicist, Sheila Marie.
Sophie and I had only been dating a couple months, but she’d been nothing but supportive of everything. In fact, she made me want to go out and do this sort of thing more. It’s a lot less lonely when you have someone to go with … who isn’t your mom.
REPORTER: Carter! Over here!
I headed over to a petite blond reporter for an entertainment program, flashing a smile.
REPORTER: Great to see you here, Carter. How have you enjoyed the transition from child star to high school student? What year are you now?
ME: I’m in the first semester of my sophomore year at the New York City High School of the Creative and Performing Arts. It’s been a really great learning experience not to mention being a ton of fun.
REPORTER: That’s great. Tell us, how do you feel about the recent Gossip Guru article about the Kavalier Kids curse?
I stared at her blankly. I had no idea what she was talking about. I generally ignore those tabloid rags.
REPORTER: Did you really go to school because the roles dried up?
What?
ME: I’m on Our Lives…
REPORTER: Yes, but that’s a soap.
Sheila Marie quickly grabbed me by the arm.
SHEILA MARIE: Interview’s over. He’s got to be inside.
Sheila Marie guided Sophie and me inside to a private corner.
ME: What’s going on? What is she talking about?
SHEILA MARIE: I told them not to bring up that vile article.
ME: What article? What’s going on?
SHEILA MARIE: Your mother thought it would be best if you didn’t see it, but there was this ridiculous article that came out that featured the kids from the series. And, well, not everything has turned out well for you guys. And honestly, you do come off the best, but they …
ME: What did it say?
I felt sick to my stomach. This definitely wasn’t the first time I’d had a negative article about me in the press. It had started after I’d had my first box office dud — I was eleven and being told that my career was over. I was “box office poison” simply because a comedy about me and a talking dog bombed. It wasn’t like I wrote or directed it, but it was my face on the poster, so the studio decided to blame the kid.
But this was different. These were my choices. Yes, I knew that I’d get made fun of for being on a soap, but that was the only thing I could think of that would allow me to still work and go to school.
Sheila Marie pulled up the article on her phone. I started reading about the other actors that I’d worked with — guys I grew up with — who’d been kicked out of school, busted for DUI, arrested for stealing, or had run away. Of course, they didn’t mention the other three guys, who were now just normal high school students.
And then there was me. I got my own box, where they dissected my meteoric rise in one paragraph and then spent the next dozen recounting every small role I’d taken since. They belittled my choice to go to CPA, calling it “desperate,” my “last chance to redeem” myself.
I didn’t believe my own press when I was called the next big thing, but it’s harder when they’re calling you a failure.
SHEILA MARIE: I’m going to call your mom. I’m so sorry — we should’ve told you.
ME: It’s okay. It’s not like I haven’t heard it before.
I walked into the theater and did my best to smile at the other attendees. We were guided to our seats and Sophie offered to sit on the aisle so nobody could bother me. Sheila Marie went off to make a phone call. I knew she didn’t have control over what they said. I wasn’t mad at her. Strangely, I was more mad at myself. Because some of the article rang true. And I could imagine my fellow students reading the article and believing every word.
I may be a former child star and have millions in my bank account, but I’m still a human being.
SOPHIE: Carter …
She took my hand and leaned in so nobody could hear her.
SOPHIE: I know this isn’t the same, but I used to be a big deal back in Brooklyn, before CPA. People actually followed me around the hallways and asked for my autograph at school events. Everybody thought I was going to be a huge star, and so did I. Then I got to CPA and nobody would turn around when I came down a hallway. I wasn’t special, I was normal. It was really hard to take at first. It’s not fun to be called a has-been, but you’ve shined brighter than most people could ever dream of. And honestly, I think that only the best is yet to come. For both of us. You’ve handled it all so well. You’re still a working actor, you’re one of the nicest guys I’ve ever known, and um, a really good kisser.
She smiled and gave me a soft kiss on the cheek.
SOPHIE: At the end of the day, I don’t think I’ve ever met anybody as special and deserving of their dreams as you.
I look at Sophie now. With each passing semester, her confidence gets stripped away. I do my best to comfort her; we both know what it’s like to not be the big star you once were. But lately, she’s become too desperate for the limelight. She’s not the person I fell for, the one who would light up a room simply by entering it. Instead, she walks into a room and takes stock of the competition. Now everything seems like a big battle to her.
I want the old Sophie back.
ME: I have no doubt in my mind that you are going to land a spot.
I wrap my arms around her to try to give her some comfort. She holds on to me tight.
SOPHIE: It’s our last year. I’ve got to start making an impression or … Plus, it isn’t even about making the list, it’s the order, too.
I don’t know what to say. I couldn’t care less about the order. But I know, to her, it’s everything.
She sighs, grabs my hand, and leads me inside the building.
SOPHIE: This is really the first test to see who the lead contenders for the Senior Showcase are. There are ten spots. The first spot is a big deal because that sets the tone. But then spots two through eight are fine. The second to the last is pretty major, but the last spot — that’s the cream of the crop.
I nod like I have any clue what she’s talking about. I know she’s nervous about the lineup and I want to be there for her, but senior year has made me realize that I have my own issues, too. I thought going to high school would give me some sort of sense of who I really am. But it’s just another part I’m playing. And now I’m playing the role of Understanding Boyfriend.
Still, having a girlfriend at school is one of the things that makes me feel normal. Plus, she’s superhot.
It’s not that I don’t want to play the boyfriend role, but I guess there’s no denying there’s been some tension between us lately. She’s become so obsessed with being the biggest star at CPA, it’s getting in the way of our relationship. When she’s not worried about an audition, she’s a ton of fun, and she likes to be out and be seen (something Mom wants me to do for my career — be in papers, online, TV, you name it. Got t
o stay relevant, I guess). Although sometimes I get the feeling that it’s an act to her, too.
SOPHIE: Did you hear that Zach did a monologue from Richard III?
I groan. I know Sophie, and everybody else for that matter, probably thinks my attitude is because Zachary David is the other lead student in the drama department and we are always competing for roles, but he’s the one who considers me competition, not vice versa. My disgust is over my real nemesis: Shakespeare. That guy kills me. I get why he’s a big deal, I really do. But it’s hard to memorize pages and pages of something that makes zero sense. And did people ever really talk like that?
But of course Zach auditioned with Shakespeare. He’s by far the better actor, one of the best I’ve ever seen. I’m aware that I’m not even in the top half of the class, but I always seem to get the lead. Which pisses everybody off. And it should. I know why I get the lead parts — it’s because any production I’m in sells out. It’s all about the money, and my name equals tween girls and their moms. A school like CPA requires a lot of funding for costumes, sets, instruments, etc. And “Carter Harrison” still sells tickets.
Although I don’t think my acting does anything for the school’s reputation.
We find some seats in the auditorium and wait for our fates. You could hear a pin drop as Dr. Pafford takes the stage and gets right to what we are all here for.
DR. PAFFORD: The following is the order of the performances for Monday’s assembly. If your name isn’t called, please exit the auditorium and have a good weekend. First up, Sarah Moffitt singing “Somewhere” from West Side Story.
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