by Force, Marie
“A beautiful, sweet life with the woman you love.”
Yearning so sharp and so intense takes my breath away. I can’t recall ever wanting anything more than I want that sweet life with Addison. “I want that,” I say in a gruff whisper. “I want her. I want her so much that it makes me feel powerless.”
“You’re not powerless, my love. You have the power to create a life that makes you happy and satisfied. There’s no greater power than that.” She holds out her arms to me, and I go to her, resting my forehead on her shoulder while she runs her fingers through my hair, mothering me the way she has my whole life, when my own mother has been unable to. “You’ll never be sorry for taking a chance. But if you don’t, I fear you’ll regret it the rest of your life.”
“I have the same fear.”
“Then you know what you have to do.”
It was, I suppose, inevitable. From the first time that bright-eyed teenager stepped foot on my set and drove me bonkers with her inquisitiveness, her questions and an overabundance of energy. She was inevitable. We were inevitable. “Thank you, Gracie.”
“I didn’t do anything but tell you what you already knew. You’ll bring your Addie to me someday soon?”
“If she’ll still have me.”
“She’ll have you.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“After you kissed her on TV, you walked away to collect your award, but the camera remained on her for another second, and I saw everything I needed to see.”
“What did you see?” I ask, stunned.
“The woman who’s in love with my Hayden.” She releases me to reach for her phone on the coffee table and hands it to me after finding what she was looking for. “See for yourself.”
I press Play on the video she has cued up and watch as I kiss Addie. The camera stays trained on her for an additional second or two after I walk away. And in that second, I see what Graciela saw—surprise, yearning, love, affection, desire. I see everything I ever wanted and then some.
“Stop running from your destiny, Hayden. Run to her, not away from her.”
“You really think I can do this and not make a total mess of it?”
“I have no doubt at all.”
I lean into her one-armed hug. “Thanks, Gracie.”
“Any time, amor mio.”
I emerge from my building to find Hayden’s Range Rover parked at the curb. He’s asleep behind the wheel, and my heart turns over in my chest at the sight of him. I was awake half the night thinking about the way he looked when he left, Marlowe’s plan and what I’ll do if it doesn’t work. The sleep I did get was checkered with dreams about Hayden interspersed with the things I saw at Devon’s club.
I’m more exhausted than I’ve ever been. This exhaustion is pervasive—body and soul. I’m so tired of wanting someone who is perpetually just out of reach. Part of me wants to ignore the fact that he’s outside my building and obviously waiting for me. But the part of me that loves him can’t ignore him.
I rap on the passenger window, and he awakes with a start.
He turns the key, and the window opens.
“What’re you doing here?”
“You need a ride to your dad’s to get your car.”
“How do you know where my car is?”
His cheek twitches as his jaw sets with tension. “Get in, Addie.”
“I have an Uber coming.”
“Cancel it.”
“I thought you were done with me.”
“I’m not.”
“For how long are you not done with me?”
“What does that mean?”
“I’m just wondering—are you back for the day, the week or is the jury still out?”
“I’m back to stay.”
“What changed?”
“Will you please get in the car, Addison?”
“Not until you tell me what brought you back when you said last night—”
“Forget what I said last night. Just forget it.”
I want to. Dear God, I want to jump in that car and into his arms. I want to hold on and never let go, but more than that, I want assurances that he’s not going to run again. “I wish I could.”
“You can. Please, Addie. I want to talk to you.”
“I wanted to talk to you last night, but you left.”
“I know, and I’m sorry for that. Give me another chance.”
“So you’re ready to bring me into every aspect of your life?”
After a long hesitation—long enough to tell me he’s not as ready as he thinks—he says, “Yes.” His teeth are gritted, and that pulse in his cheek is working overtime.
“I need to think, Hayden, and I can’t do that when I’m with you.”
“What’s there to think about? I said I was sorry for leaving, and I’m ready to be what you want. What else can I do to convince you—”
“Give me some space.” This is killing me, but I need to go through with Marlowe’s plan, or I’ll never be entirely sure that he’s come back for the right reasons. A black car pulls up to the curb behind Hayden’s Range Rover. “My ride is here. I’ll see you later at Flynn’s?” He’s planning a celebration for Natalie, who is due to get her driver’s license today.
“Yeah.” He throws the Range Rover into drive, his tires squealing as he pulls away.
“That went well.” I feel sick and despondent as I get into the Uber car for the ride to Redondo Beach. On the way, I send a text to Marlowe.
Hayden was outside my place this morning. He apologized and said he’s ready to try.
She responds immediately. What did you say?
I asked for more time. I don’t think he’s ready for everything…
So you’re going forward with the plan for tonight?
I think I have to or I’ll never know for sure.
For what it’s worth, I agree. He needs to see that you’re serious about wanting to understand what drives him. Seeing you at Devon’s club will get that point across better than anything else ever could.
I hope you’re right.
When have you known me not to be right??
Ha!
Hang in there, kiddo. You’ll have the answers you need tonight, one way or the other.
That’s what I’m afraid of…
I think it’s going to work out exactly the way it was always meant to.
I want to ask her what she means by that, but before I can, she texts again.
See you at Flynn’s later?
I’ll be there.
Great. We can finalize the plan.
You’re enjoying this a little too much.
LOL! I love to see my friends happy.
That would be nice.
It’s going to happen, Addie. I’m sure of it.
Thanks. Xoxo
Thank YOU for getting Leah off to such a great start. Already wondering how I lived so long without my own Addie.
Glad to hear it. She’s fantastic. I like her.
Me too. Have a great day.
You too!
Since my dad is usually up half the night working, I don’t disturb him. After the Uber car drops me outside his house, I get in my car to make the trek back to the city in rush-hour traffic on the 5. The slow roll gives me far too much time to think about how this day might unfold. By the time I arrive at the office an hour after I left my dad’s, I’m a nervous wreck. I pull into my spot next to Hayden’s Range Rover and head into the building, paying attention to the other set of elevators for the first time. I’ve never once wondered where they lead, which is amusing in light of what I now know.
I’m filled with curiosity about the basement of the building where I’ve worked for five years and wonder if or when I’ll ever see what goes on down there. Part of me doesn’t want to know. I can’t imagine seeing my friends in that context.
My day at the office is busy with final details for Flynn and Natalie’s trips to Rome and Prague as well as plans for the getaway to Mexico. I order food a
nd beverages for tonight’s party at Flynn’s Hollywood Hills home and coordinate with the event planner about setting up tables by the pool. It’s supposed to be in the low eighties today, so it’ll be a nice night to be outside.
After the word got out about the carnival the foundation wishes to have, I’ve been inundated with offers of properties. Everyone wants to be tied to the worthy cause of feeding hungry kids, and everyone in Hollywood wants to be in Flynn’s good graces after the clean sweep of award season. The sucking up has gotten even more ridiculous than it was before, and that’s saying something. In consultation with Flynn, I narrow down the choices to two estates—one in Calabasas and the other in Pacific Palisades. I make appointments to see both after we return from Mexico.
At about three o’clock, Flynn appears at my door, his smile stretching from ear to ear. “She passed.”
“Of course she did.” I’m thrilled for Natalie, who never had the chance to learn to drive the way regular teenagers do. When Flynn found out she’d never driven a car, he had me apply for a permit with the state of California so he could teach her himself.
“Perfect score.” He’s like a proud papa crowing about his wife.
“Congratulations. Is she here?”
“Nope. She’s on her first solo ride home.” He checks his watch. “And I’m waiting to hear she got there okay.”
“You’re too funny. She’ll be fine, and everything is set for tonight.”
“Thank you.”
“Always a pleasure.”
He comes in and shuts the door, leaning back against it. “Is the plan for later still a go?”
“It is.”
“And you’re sure it’s a wise idea?”
“I’m not sure of anything except that I love him, he loves me, and this one thing is keeping us apart. I’ve got to do something drastic to get us over this hurdle.”
“That one thing isn’t a small thing, Addie. It’s a big thing. It nearly ruined everything for me with Natalie.”
“Because you kept it from her. Why do you guys think the women in your lives can’t handle a little kink?”
He looks up at the ceiling. “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.” He brings his gaze back to me. “First of all, it’s not ‘a little kink.’ It’s a way of life, and it’s not for everyone. Second of all, it’s a totally different proposition when you’re in love with your partner. It raises the stakes to a whole new level, and I’d never been there before Natalie, just like Hayden hasn’t been there before you.”
“I get it. I really do. But I wish he would trust me enough to know I can handle it.”
“How do you know that? Have you done it?”
“No, but—”
“But nothing, Addie. Until you’ve actually been there and done that, you have no idea what you can handle, and neither does he. That’s what’s holding him back. He’s afraid if he shows you the full extent of who he really is as a demanding, bold, sexual dominant, you won’t love him anymore.”
Flynn’s description of Hayden has me tingling in places I never tingle when I’m talking to my boss, who also happens to be one of the sexiest men on the planet. I swallow hard as I try not to let my imagination run wild about the sexiest man on my planet.
“Hayden doesn’t love easily,” Flynn continues, seemingly unaware that he’s set me on fire with his talk of Hayden as a demanding dominant. I wish I had a fan to cool my heated face. “He learned at an early age that love equals pain. I haven’t talked to him about this, but I have no doubt that his biggest fear is losing your love.”
“That’s not going to happen,” I say softly, tears filling my eyes. As if my heart will ever beat the same way for anyone but him.
“I know you want to believe that, but until you know everything, you can’t say that for sure—and neither can he.”
“A lot of things make more sense now. Thank you for spelling it out for me.”
“After some initial hesitation, I’m really pulling for you guys. I think you’d be great together.”
“I do, too.” Or at least I hope so. Hearing Flynn’s take on things, I’m filled with more doubts than I had before, but these doubts are about me rather than Hayden. What if Flynn’s right? What if I can’t take what Hayden is dishing out? What if I can’t be what he wants or needs? What then?
The assistant who has plans for her backup plans has no idea what she would do then.
Chapter 15
The studio loves the name Insidious for the new film, resolving what had become a massive headache for me and the other Quantum principals. I send an email to my partners to let them know the good news, and I copy Addie on the message, giving her full credit for the idea.
I love seeing the flood of responses that congratulate her for doing what people far above her pay grade had failed to do—name the unnamable film.
Insidious. It’s a good word. It certainly describes my lifelong interaction with addiction of all kinds. It also describes my experience thus far with being in love. I looked up the word on Webster’s online dictionary, which defines it as “causing harm in a way that is gradual or not easily noticed.”
She snuck under my skin when I wasn’t looking, working her way in so deep I can never get her out, even if I wanted to, which I don’t. I’m terrified that the harm, all the harm, will come from me to her, that she’ll be my unsuspecting victim, that she’ll regret giving her heart to a man as fucked up as I can be at times.
I can’t recall a time in my adult life when fear crippled me quite the way it has lately. If anything, I’m known for being somewhat fearless. I don’t dither over the hundreds of decisions I make in a given day. Most of the time, I don’t give a rat’s ass what people think of me or whether I piss off the establishment in pursuit of my agenda.
But, God, I care about her. I care about her more than I’ve cared about anyone ever, and that’s what has me so paralyzed that I’m on the verge of losing her before I ever really have her.
Tonight, after the get-together at Flynn’s, I’ll convince her to come home with me. I’ll take her to the place in Malibu where we’re assured of complete privacy, and I’ll begin to indoctrinate her into my lifestyle. I’ll teach her what she needs to know to decide whether it’s for her. At some point during the restless night I spent in my car outside her place, I realized there are degrees of involvement. I don’t have to do everything with her to make her part of it.
I have to do just enough to make her believe I’ve given her everything. The rest can come later or not at all.
I remember when Flynn was falling for Natalie, and he told me he would live without the lifestyle before he’d live without her. I told him I couldn’t do that. I need the control and the dominance too much to ever abandon the lifestyle that has defined me. But now that I’ve had a taste of sweet Addie, I’m no longer so certain. It has begun to settle in on me that I could more easily live without the dominance than I could without her. If you’d asked me that before Oscar night, I would’ve said that no one woman would ever be more important to me than the control.
But now nothing is as black-and-white as it was before that first night with her. I just don’t know anymore what I would pick if faced with a choice—her or the dominance. The thought of living without either of them is unimaginable, which is why so much is riding on tonight. If I can give her a taste and test her reactions, I’ll have a better idea of what might be possible for us.
During the early evening ride to Flynn’s in the Hollywood Hills, I plan a scene that has me rock hard in anticipation. Picturing her wrapped up in my ropes, her nipples clamped, her ass plugged, her sweet pussy mine for the taking… Fucking hell. I’m out of my mind with lust and desire and overwhelming love. It’s a love so big it takes up all the space inside me. It fills me in places I didn’t know were empty until she loved me. All that matters at the end of this day is that she still loves me. I simply can’t bear the alternative.
I put my desire on ice for the time
being. Part one of this evening is about celebrating Natalie. Part two will be about worshiping Addison.
The whole gang is already there when I arrive, carrying the huge bouquet of flowers I picked up for Natalie on the way. Our guest of honor is positively glowing as she greets me with a kiss to the cheek. There was a time, not that long ago, when I wondered if she and I would ever be friends. That time already seems like ages ago. She’s made Flynn so fucking happy, I can’t help but adore her.
“For you.” I hand over the flowers. “Congratulations.”
“Thank you so much, Hayden! They’re gorgeous.”
“You’re welcome. So proud of you, Nat.”
She hugs me tightly. “Thank you.”
“Will you take me for a ride one of these days?”
“She will do no such thing.” Flynn shoves at my shoulder to end the hug. “Get your filthy hands off my wife.”
“Shut up, Flynn,” Nat says, “and go put these in a vase.”
I snort with laughter at how she handles him so perfectly. Watching them, I’m struck by the realization that Addie and I could be like them. We could find a happy medium where she’s my sub in the bedroom, and I’m her slave in life. I could live with that. I seek her out in the group and find her talking to Marlowe and Leah and Flynn’s sister Ellie, but she’s looking at me, which brings an unreasonable amount of comfort.
Over the happy shouts of Flynn’s nieces and nephews in the pool, our eyes meet, and I can’t look away. I can’t see anyone but her. The moment is broken when Flynn’s parents arrive and his dad claps me on the back.
“I understand Insidious is the word of the day,” Max Godfrey says in his big booming voice.
I force myself to look away from Addie to focus on Max. “You understand correctly.”
“Perfection,” Max says.
“Tell Addie. It was her idea.”
“I shall do that.”
“Hayden,” Stella Flynn says when she joins her husband and me. “We heard your mother is in the hospital. Is she all right?”
“She’s fine after a nasty bout of food poisoning, and as of four o’clock this afternoon, she’s home. She kicked me out so she could get some sleep.”
