by L. A. Boruff
“I'm really sorry Rob,” I murmur softly, but he just smiles at me again and I can see the sadness in his eyes.
“Don't be, it was a long time ago. We married young, too young really. We had a good five years together, she was twenty-two when she died. I'm twenty-seven now, dated on and off, but never found anyone I wanted to make things serious with,” he tells us.
“Claire was a good woman, she was the year above me in school, but always made the effort to say hello to me,” Cooper adds.
“Cooper, tell us more about yourself,” I encourage, interested to know how the two friends came to be.
“Jacob and I are neighbors. I'm twenty-six, so we were in separate grades at school, but we always played together as kids. Living on the outskirts of town we only had each other to hang out with. My family life was a bit... complicated, so I basically lived over here.”
“Complicated,” Jacob echoes with a snort, anger distorting his handsome features. “Your mother beat you while your father drank himself into an early grave,” he spits out, and I can see why he’s so pissed off. Cooper just shrugs, his smile still in place, but I notice a tightness around his eyes that wasn't there before.
“Jacob's mother treated me like another son. We grew up more like brothers than friends. Anyway, Dad died when I was twelve, and when I was nineteen Mom was arrested. They didn't leave me much, but at that point I worked here on the farm and Jacob pays well, so I had a fair amount of savings and was able to buy the place. It's a pile of shit, but it's home.”
The watch on my wrist alarms, reminding me to turn the radio on. We have been doing it every hour to check for messages, but so far we haven't heard anything. As before, static fills the room and we go back to chatting, leaving the radio on for a few minutes.
“Come on then Jacob, tell us about yourself,” Cole asks, and I can't help but smile when I see Jacob’s belligerent expression. It's obvious he doesn't like talking about himself.
He opens his mouth to start speaking when the radio starts beeping, announcing a broadcast coming through.
“This is an emergency broadcast from the President of the United States. Beep. Beep. Beep. Survivors of the nuclear attacks, this is the President. The death toll on our great country has been catastrophic, but I implore you, if you are hearing this, to stay strong, stay safe. Do not leave your shelter, we are working on a plan. For now, may God bless you.”
4
Day Three
The second night before was both better and worse than our first night inside the basement. By the time we thought it was nighttime, I was already exhausted, which was strange since we didn’t really do much, but looking at the same four walls all the time had me wanting to go to bed. I said goodnight to everyone, took my lamp, and shut my door. The only difference is that tonight I didn’t block it. I learned more about the men I’m trapped with today, and with that comes a certain level of trust. I think they are beginning to trust me more too. I still tucked the gun under my pillow though, better to be safe than sorry.
Lying down, I watch the lamplight on the stone walls, thinking about the world outside. It only adds to my dark thoughts. The world is dying, nearly everyone I knew is probably dead. A person could spiral if they think about it for too long, so when a knock sounds at my door, I sit up and call out almost desperately.
“Come in.”
The door opens and Cooper sticks his head in. “Just wanted to check on you before we turned in,” he says, making me grin.
He’s the loudest of the group but also the most caring, that much became evident today, especially when I learned that him and Jacob have been looking after each other for the last few years. “I’m okay,” I reply, but he frowns at my tone and slips in. He doesn't shut the door and I’m grateful for that. Perching himself on the other bed, he watches me with sad eyes. Turning to face him, I press my back to the wall and bring my knees to my chest.
Pretending to be strong all day was hard, especially when all I wanted was comfort, but they needed someone to look to and that person seems to be me, especially with the background I have and my medical training.
“How are you, really?” he inquires, leaning in and resting his elbows on his knees, watching me closely.
Playing with a thread in my jeans, I sigh, thinking about his question. “I just wonder...my thoughts are just...full. You know? Who did this? Why? Is this the end of the world? What about my family? It just keeps spinning and spinning until I feel like I can’t breathe. I regret the things I never said to people and the things I never did,” I admit sheepishly, staring at my jeans as tears fill my eyes.
“You can’t think like that, if you do, you'll go mad. It’s happened, all we can do is look to the future and the now,” he soothes softly. “It’s called survivor's guilt, I read about it once. It’s sounds impossible, and maybe outside this place the world is dying, but we have to keep moving, keep living. Or what's the point?”
Blinking, I stare at him incredulously. I’d misjudged him. I thought he was nothing more than a simple, always smiling farmer, but his words just revealed a whole new side of him. “I guess you're right,” I finally respond, and he grins.
“Of course I’m right!” he cheers and then stands up. “Goodnight, Toni.” He winks and shuts the door behind him.
Feeling better I let myself close my eyes, Cooper’s smiling face the last thing I see.
This morning I feel more refreshed, my dreams were not plagued by the faces of those who were left behind, and I have a new drive to appreciate the time and people around me. What Cooper said has stuck with me, we are lucky to be alive and I plan to make the most of it, and try and forget about all the pain and suffering outside.
Pushing up from the bed I turn on the lamp before walking over to my bag, pulling on some fresh clothing. That’s something I think will get old pretty quick, the lack of natural lighting. My stomach growls as I pull on a fresh tank top. Although we have been eating well, I know we’re going to have to start rationing our food more soon, which I’m not looking forward to. Another thing I’m not looking forward to? When I run out of fresh clothing. While we have water at the moment, we’re going to have to be careful with the amount we’re using. We can’t trust the water in the tanks or from the surface, they will be contaminated and a sure way to get radiation poisoning from the fallout.
Reaching for an overshirt, I start to pull the sleeves up my arms when a stinging burn stops me. A hiss of pain leaves my lips before I gaze closer at my arm, seeing that small blisters are forming in a patch on my arm. The damaged area of skin is small, about the size of a nickel, but I know this will only grow. Redness surrounds the area and when I examine my arm closer, I spot more affected areas of skin. Covering it with my long sleeves I check the rest of my body quickly, but so far, the only skin that appears to be damaged is where my arms were exposed. I don’t have a mirror in here, so I can’t see if my face remains unscathed, but it only feels a little tender, like I have a sunburn, rather than blisters. Taking a deep breath, I choose to ignore it for now and leave the room to check on the guys.
I stop at the bathroom on my way to relieve myself, and when I’m done I check out my face in the mirror. I watch a sleepy looking Jacob shuffle in and stop when he sees me.
“Mornin’.” His jaw cracks as he yawns.
I grin over at him. “Morning.” He carries on his shuffle, and starts to wash and brush his teeth with a bottle of water he brought in. When he catches me looking he holds the bottle in the air, offering it to me as he sticks the toothbrush in his mouth. Grabbing it gratefully, I wash my teeth and face, standing side by side, and when we’re done we share a look. I can’t seem to look away and neither can he.
“Toni—”
“Jacob—”
We both laugh nervously and I pass back the half used water bottle. Our hands catch and I gasp when he strokes my fingers before pulling away. Swallowing hard I raise my eyes to his, a new awareness racing through my body. A natural attr
action, the human need for comfort and to feel alive. It would only make sense to cling to those around us, and I want nothing more than to use that as an excuse and melt into his arms. He leans in, his eyes on my lips, and I can't help but lean in too, like a magnet. A noise at the door has us both breaking away and I turn away with a red face to see a half asleep Cooper coming in, not even looking at us as he pushes down his pants and heads into the stall. Throwing a strained smile at Jacob, I hightail it out of there.
The day passes slowly. There isn’t much to do in a basement where you’re confined with four other guys. We go through the food and water stocks, working out rationing for the weeks to come. There was an awkward silence when we were trying to work out how long we would be down here for. Cole appears to be in denial, believing we would be out of here by the end of the week. I just shared a look with Jacob and Rob, we all know this isn’t just going to go away, radiation sticks around for decades and we were pretty close to the bomb. No one mentions any issues with their skin, and I’ve been trying to sneak glances at Cole and Rob’s arms when I get the chance, but I haven't seen any damage.
At exactly three PM we turn on the radio, gathering in our usual seats as we wait around for a broadcast. Rob’s hand finds mine under the table and before I realize it, I’ve reached out to my other side and grabbed Jacob’s. Our eyes clash and the memory of nearly kissing him this morning comes to mind, but the crackling and beeping has me turning back to the table.
“Beep. Hello, America. I hope those who have survived the blasts are well. We are transmitting from a bunker under the White House. The signal is scarce so I don’t have long today. We now know that the bombs have, in fact, detonated all over the world—this is not confined to our country.
“The whole world is dying. It is with a heavy heart that I report this, but do not let it dampen your spirits. We have survived a lot and we will survive this. Stay indoors, stay alive. I will be back tomorrow, until then I thought a little music might help transport us away—even for a little bit. Beep.” The signal cuts off before what sounds like a scratchy sounding record of “We Will Meet Again” comes through the speakers.
Vera’s heartbreaking voice flows into the basement, hitting me in the heart, and I can’t help but squeeze the hands I’m holding. Rob stands, and when I look up, he raises my hand kisses it.
“Dance with me?” he asks.
Looking at the others, I get to my feet nervously and he pulls me into his arms. Laying my head on his chest, he rests his on mine as we move to the music. I listen to his heart race against my ear and I smile, knowing he’s as affected as I am.
A couple of lines later he spins me and a startled laugh bubbles out of me, only to be muffled as I meet another hard chest. Looking up breathlessly, I meet the laughing eyes of Cooper. He sings along to the music, loud and off key as he twirls me around in circles. Laughing, my head spinning and my eyes blurring, I can’t help but grip tightly onto his hand. He keeps whirling me around, and then passes me over to Cole who leads me across the room in a dramatic ballroom style dance before dipping me. Hair floating behind me, my leg coming up automatically, I smile up at him but it disappears when I see the hunger and intensity in his eyes as he runs them over my face.
“Beautiful,” he whispers, leaning closer, but a noise reminds us we’re with others and he quickly stands us back up, he steps back until I feel a tap on my shoulder.
Turning, I meet the serious eyes of Jacob. He winds his arms around me and we move from side to side on the spot, our bodies close and our eyes locked together as the last notes die off, and the radio goes silent. We don’t stop moving, just watching each other. He searches my eyes for something, I don’t know what, but it sends my heart into overdrive and makes my palms sweaty.
Biting my lip, I step away and look at the others, unable to hold Jacob’s intense gaze any longer.
That night, I slink off to bed while the others are talking. Kicking off my jeans and overshirt I slide into bed, still relishing their touch this afternoon when we were dancing. In that moment I felt safe, even happy for a short time, but it’s faded away now and like the night, the bad thoughts come again. My door is open slightly and when a shadow walks past, I call out.
Rob sticks his head in and smiles when he sees me curled up. “Everything okay?” he inquires, that smile dropping when I don’t return it.
Bolstering my confidence, I scoot back to the wall. “Will you stay with me for a bit?” His mouth opens in shock and I quickly continue, “I don’t want to be alone tonight—I’m scared.” I admit it with no shame.
He nods, shutting the door behind him and stopping at my bedside. He goes to lie down over the covers but I lift them, and when I nod he slips in, turning on his side to face me.
“Thank you,” I whisper softly, closing my eyes. The heat of him so close in the small single bed makes me feel slightly safer again, he chased off my demons.
“Always. Try and get some sleep,” he whispers back, covering my hand on the pillow between us.
5
Day Four
The sound of the door opening has my eyes snapping open in disorientation. Where am I? I’m warm, really warm. When I blink, I meet the eyes of Jacob standing at the door. He’s clutching a tray in front of him and his eyes dart behind me, clouding over with...jealousy? Following his gaze I see Rob curled up behind me under the covers, with his arms wrapped around my middle, fast asleep.
Swallowing hard, I look back at Jacob but he’s already gone, the door left open. Groaning, I bury my head in the pillow. I don’t know why I feel guilty, but I do. Lifting my head I freeze when Rob stirs behind me. He presses closer, his morning wood against my ass making me freeze.
“Morning,” he greets, smiling wide already.
Looking over my shoulder, I try to ignore him pressed against me and smile, but it must fall flat as he drops the smile. “Hey, what’s wrong?” he asks, cupping my face. Turning over, I face him fully, unable to help myself as I lean into his hands. I don’t want to spoil this moment, to say the words that will make everything more difficult, to face the reality that’s bearing down on us.
Rob is a nice guy, I know he’ll keep pushing until he gets to the truth, and it's one I don’t want to even admit to myself yet. So, instead of talking about it or pulling away like an adult, I do the one thing I know will silence him and my mind. I lose myself in him.
Darting forward, I cover his lips with mine. He freezes against me, and for a moment I think he’s going to push me away, but he relaxes into me. Grabbing my head and pulling me closer, he nips at my lips until I open them, his tongue sweeping in and tangling with mine.
His hands leave my face and travel down my back, sliding my shirt up and caressing my skin before he cups my ass, and presses me closer against him. Gasping into his mouth, I let my hands wander across his skin. Needing to touch him everywhere, needing him to make me forget.
Gliding my hands under his shirt, I stroke them up his chest, bringing the fabric with me. He pulls away, breaking the kiss, before sitting up and whipping the shirt over his head. I freeze, like a bucket of ice cold water is thrown over me, but he doesn’t seem to notice. He rolls me under him, kissing my cheek and down my neck, and finally I come back to myself enough to stop him, my eyes glued to his chest.
“Rob,” I gasp and he stops straight away, lifting himself up on his arms and looking at me worriedly.
“Oh my god, I’m sorry. Are you okay? Did I do something?” he asks, frowning hard, his eyes worried as he searches my face for clues as to why I stopped us.
“No, no I’m okay. Rob, let me look at your chest please,” I offer as calm as I can, even though my emotions rage inside of me. The touch of his lips are forgotten in my panic, the world dropping back on me as I remember why we’re down here.
He leans back, still looking scared that he did something wrong, so I give him a strained smile. “Seriously, you didn’t do anything, I just want to check something, okay?” I tell him
and he nods, leaning back on his knees and so I can get a better look at his chest.
Sitting up, ignoring the fact I’m only in my bra, I lean into his chest and examine him. He follows my gaze and freezes, obviously not having seen the red welts across his chest before.
It’s hard, but I ignore the eight pack vying for my attention and feel around the three welts on his pecs. “This is from being exposed to the blast, there isn’t much I can do without any medicines I’m afraid, but keep an eye on it in case they get bigger or more appear,” I explain, back in nurse mode instantly. Removing my hand from his chest, I drop them into my lap as he frowns, looking at his own chest.
This only confirms my fears, but I put on a brave smile when he looks back up and it seems to reassure him. “Come on, let's get some breakfast,” I suggest, slipping from the bed and turning my back on him to get dressed, allowing the smile to drop from my face.
I left Rob dressing as I fled the room, needing some space and time to think about the options we have, but I spot the breakfast laid out on the table and Jacob with his back to me, purposely ignoring me. I sigh, knowing I need repair this as well.
“Jacob?” I call, stopping behind his chair. His shoulders hunch but he ignores me.
Sighing, I sit down next to him and duck my head to catch his eyes. “Are we okay?” I ask, reaching across and laying my hand on his arm. He shakes it off and carries on eating.
“Fine,” he snaps. Okay, looks like Mr. Talkative is going to make me do all the work.
“Look, what you saw—”
“Doesn’t matter,” he butts in and looks at me hard.
“Okay, you want to be an asshole, you be an asshole. I won’t sit here stroking your ego and saying sorry, because I’m not. I needed comfort and Rob was there, I needed to feel safe and I won’t apologize for that. So when you stop having a tantrum, I’ll be ready to accept your apology.” Standing, I push back from the table, and grab a breakfast bar, munching on it as Cooper waves at me from the stove. I smile and make my way over to Cole who’s sitting in the corner, tinkering with something.
