But he wasn’t the best at understanding women, as Chloe had let him know often enough. The other thing Chloe had pinned on him was that he had always had a crush on Arianna. Jack didn’t think that was true. He had loved his wife and had never allowed his thoughts to venture toward her sister. He knew right from wrong.
But maybe Chloe had seen something he hadn’t even been aware of himself. Maybe he had more feelings than he realized, and now they had led him astray, led him into thinking Arianna liked him when she didn’t.
Sammy stirred in his crib, and Jack turned away from the window and went over to tuck his blue-and-white-checked bear back into his arms. Sammy’s face smoothed, and his breathing became regular again.
This was what was important. That Sammy had a good life, that he get the treatment he needed, that he have loving caregivers.
Arianna’s nanny gig had never been intended to be permanent. It was just until the end of the summer.
And now that Jack knew the boundaries he needed to set, he’d do it.
He would stay strictly professional with Arianna. He wouldn’t comment if she went out with Nathan. He wouldn’t set up any more of these late evenings that created feelings he shouldn’t be having, feelings that could only lead to unhappiness. At the end of the workday, he would wave goodbye and send her away without a personal element in it. His father would be proud. Chloe would be proud.
He drew in a couple of deep breaths and tried to congratulate himself on the rightness of his decision.
The fact that he himself felt empty, gutted even, shouldn’t signify.
* * *
Arianna watched Nathan drain the last of his tea, his Adam’s apple bulging.
“I can’t believe Chloe told you about my pregnancy,” she said. Although she kind of could. Chloe wasn’t one to leave any loose ends if she could help it.
“She said you were going to place the baby for adoption, and she didn’t want me to show up later and cause problems. I guess she didn’t realize you hadn’t told me at all.”
“I should have.” Arianna’s heart twisted with regret and misery. She’d made so many mistakes. “It’s no justification, but I was immature. Naive and so confused. And when I came to you to ask if you wanted to continue the relationship, you said—”
“I said I didn’t. I know.” He leaned forward, elbows propped on knees. “You suspected you were pregnant then, didn’t you?”
“I knew it,” she admitted.
“I wish you’d told me.”
She shook her head. “I should have. I meant to, but you were so excited about your new research fellowship in Boulder. And you said you’d be working day and night.”
“Yes, but it was my responsibility,” he said. “If we made a baby together, I should have taken care of it.” He splayed his hands in front of him and studied them.
Arianna’s throat tightened. It was a gesture she’d seen Sammy make.
Nathan glanced up at her and then back down at his hands. “I only realized how wrong I was when my pastor spoke about how important fathers are, and how many don’t take responsibility for their children. It hit me like a brick to the head that I was in that group, too.”
“I suppose, though it wasn’t on purpose. You can’t be blamed for it.”
“There’s no way to find out more about the family who adopted our baby?”
Heat rose from her chest to her neck and spread to her cheeks. She prayed that the light was too dim for him to see how red her face was. “Like I said, it’s a closed adoption,” she said and hoped his steel-trap brain wouldn’t close in on the fact that she hadn’t answered his question. “You can put a letter on file, and when he comes of age, if he wants to, he can contact you. But, Nathan...think about it, okay? You’ll probably have a wife and kids by that time. You might not want to be in touch.”
“So it’s a boy.” He rested his cheek on his interlocked hands, looking away from her.
“It’s a boy.”
He blew out a sigh and stood. “I’m sorry, Arianna. Sorry for pushing you into what we did together, and sorry for not standing by you.”
She shook her head. “Don’t apologize. We were equally at fault. I’m sorry I didn’t insist on your hearing the whole truth.”
They hugged, and she stood at the door and watched him go downstairs and out of her life. For now.
She sagged back against the door after she’d closed it behind him, too distraught even to think. “Lord, forgive me,” she whispered.
It was the millionth time she’d prayed that, of course. But now there were new prayers to add. “Forgive Nathan and help him to find peace. And turn all of this messy situation to good. Amen.”
She slid down the door to a sitting position, forehead on upraised knees. And there she sat for a long time in wordless prayer and meditation, desperately needing the peace that only God could give.
Chapter Nine
One awkward week later, Jack found himself at the office after everyone on his staff had gone home. He was catching up on paperwork, sure, but more than that, he was avoiding Arianna.
Every time he saw her, he thought about kissing her. Relived it, really—her warmth and tenderness and the way being close with her had filled a hole in his heart he hadn’t even realized was there. His hands practically ached to pull her close to him again.
But there had always been reasons not to be with Arianna—Chloe’s criticism and his parents’ warnings—and those reasons hadn’t gone away, not really. Yes, Chloe was gone. But for him to pick up with Arianna as much as proved that her suspicions had been right, that Jack hadn’t really loved her, that he had been that neglectful, uncaring husband she had so often accused him of being.
And Chloe’s critical glare, so vivid in his memory, would be mirrored on his father’s face were he to get together with Arianna.
Even those things might have been surmountable, but now he’d found out she had feelings for somebody else. Her relationship with Nathan must have been more serious than he’d thought, and from the looks of things, it was ongoing. Otherwise, why would she have taken Nathan up to her apartment?
It was true that he hadn’t seen Nathan around in the week since the man had arrived in town. If Arianna were spending time with him, she was keeping it very quiet. So maybe Jack had overreacted. After all, Nathan lived up in Boulder and was a busy, well-known scientist. It would be tough for him to start, or restart, a relationship with a nanny-artist who lived in the southern part of the state.
Whenever he got to this part in his ruminations, a little spark of hope would come to life inside him. Guilt, though, due to Chloe and his father, quickly put out the flame.
So he was stressed. And he noticed that Sammy was fussier than usual, which could very well be because he was picking up on the tension between Jack and Arianna. That and the fact that Jack was working longer hours, so he wasn’t spending as much time with his son as he should.
And if his state of mind was affecting Sammy, then Jack needed to do something about it. He didn’t like asking for help, but he knew he had to overcome that, to swallow his pride, when Sammy was involved. So he closed up his office and walked two blocks down the street to his church, where his good friend Carson Blair was the pastor.
He walked through the cool, dark hallways. The light was still on in the church office, so he knocked.
“Come on in,” came a deep but nasal voice.
Jack pushed the door open.
Hawk, honk. Carson was blowing his nose, and then he tossed the tissue into an overflowing wastebasket and looked up apologetically. “Hey, Jack,” he said and coughed. “Glad to see you, but you might want to keep your distance. This cold is getting the best of me.”
“I have a strong immune system,” Jack said. “But I’m not stupid. I won’t shake your hand.” He studied his friend more closely. “Are you sure yo
u should even be at work?”
“I canceled my appointments,” Carson said. “But sermons don’t write themselves. And Lily and the girls are visiting one of her old army friends, so I’m a bachelor this week. I may as well sneeze and cough here at the office as at home.” He held up a hand. “And don’t worry. Mrs. Greer will scrub everything down when she comes in in the morning.”
“Oh, true.” Jack had seen their church secretary disinfecting doorknobs and microphones, and once, she’d rushed up to the front of the church right in the middle of Carson’s communion prayers to give him the hand sanitizer she’d forgotten to place with the bread and grape juice.
“What brings you here at this time of day?” Carson asked.
“I need to talk to you about something, and it seems like you could use a good meal. Can I buy you dinner? We’ll go somewhere in town, close by.”
“Sounds good to me,” Carson said. “But don’t you need to get home to Sammy?”
“Let me see if my nanny can stay a bit late.”
“Your nanny, huh?” Carson cocked his head to the side and glanced questioningly at Jack. Then he turned back to his computer. “I’ll just make a couple notes while you call her.”
But Jack had no intention of calling Arianna; instead, he sent her a text.
Almost instantly, she texted back. No problem. No plans tonight.
Hmm, interesting. She didn’t have plans. And she was making sure he knew it.
There was that tiny spark of hope again.
Half an hour later, they were at La Boca Feliz, and Senora Ramos, known to everyone as Delfina, was fussing over Carson. “Sopa de tortilla for you,” she said. “Why are you not home in bed?”
“Lily and the kids are away,” Carson croaked.
Delfina put her hands on her hips. “And you are not capable of opening a can of soup?” She turned to Jack. “And you could not help your friend?”
“I am helping him,” Jack said. “I’ve brought him here for your healthy food.”
Delfina smiled, her brown eyes twinkling. “This is the good answer,” she said and clapped her hands as she turned toward the kitchen. “Emilio, dos sopas de tortillas, por favor. El pastor está enfermo.”
They both watched as she disappeared into the kitchen. Around them, silverware clinked and customers talked and laughed.
“So, what’s going on with you?” Carson asked.
In the course of helping Carson, Jack had forgotten about his own problems for a few minutes, and he didn’t really want to reengage with them. He lifted his hands, palms up. “No big deal. Nothing you need to worry about.”
“I always worry about my flock,” Carson said. “It’s in the job description.”
Delfina bustled back toward them, carrying a tray with two brimming bowls of soup. She set one before each of them. “Eat, both of you. More food is coming.”
Jack lifted an eyebrow. “Did we order more?”
“You didn’t have to,” Delfina retorted. “I placed the order myself, because I know what’s good for a cold. And—” she pointed at Jack “—don’t tell me you don’t have a cold, because spending time with him, you will.”
“I hope not,” Carson said after she’d left them for another table. “I’d hate to be the reason you and Sammy get sick.”
Jack waved a hand to dismiss Carson’s worry. “We have so many TSS folks in and out of the house, plus Arianna’s got him in some baby lap-sit program at the library. I’m sure he’s been exposed to whatever germs you’re carrying.” He started spooning up soup, hot and spicy and delicious.
“Good.” Carson ate for a few minutes and then put down his spoon. “I’d like to hear about whatever’s worrying you.”
Jack could tell from the determined look in Carson’s eyes that the man wasn’t going to give up. They were the same age, but Carson was wise, far wiser than Jack, especially in matters of the spirit and the heart. “I’m just struggling some,” he admitted. When Carson nodded encouragingly, he went on. “There’s something Chloe thought about me that I’m having a hard time shaking.”
Carson frowned. “Was it true, what she thought?”
“No. At least, I don’t think so.”
“It’s no fun to be harshly judged,” Carson said. “Believe me, I’ve been there. And that judgmental voice doesn’t have to be true to nag at you.”
“Makes me question myself,” Jack admitted. Because if Chloe, and his mom, and his dad all believed that Jack had a crush on Arianna, was it possible that he did and didn’t know it?
As if he were reading Jack’s mind, Carson pointed his soupspoon at Jack and spoke again. “How does it all connect with what you were told as a child? How you were raised?”
Jack laughed, even though he didn’t find the question funny. “‘Harshly judged’ could have been in my parents’ marriage vows, they made such a practice of it. Toward me, toward each other and toward themselves.”
“So Chloe came along and fitted right in with your concept of love,” Carson said.
His words echoed in Jack’s ears as Delfina brought them plates of steaming enchiladas and rice and beans, explained that they were extra spicy and that was good for a cold, and admonished them to eat every bite.
As Jack dug in, he thought about what Carson had said. Was that his concept of love: Harsh judgment? Was that why he and Chloe had hit it off?
They ate until they had to pause to wipe the sweat from their foreheads. “She wasn’t kidding about spicy,” Jack said, gulping water.
“I think I’m sweating out my germs. I sure don’t feel congested anymore.” He studied Carson. “Why are these questions about Chloe and your past coming up now? Because of Arianna?”
Jack blew out a breath. “There’s no keeping anything from you, is there? Is it obvious?”
Carson shook his head. “Not obvious. The two of you are very circumspect and professional around each other. But I know you pretty well. I’m seeing something different in the way you confront the world, something that seems like it might come from... I don’t know. Interest? Love?”
Jack nearly choked on a mouthful of beans. He waved his hand. “Nothing close to love. Interest, maybe. But that’s where the past is bogging me down.” He didn’t want to disrespect Chloe’s memory by telling Jack about her jealousy issues. “I’m just not sure whether it’s right to let Chloe go and get back in the game again. Or when that might be okay.”
“It’s tough.” Carson looked unseeingly across the crowded restaurant, and Jack remembered the trouble Carson had had accepting the loss of his first wife and moving on, until Lily had come along and rocked the pastor’s world.
But Carson had accepted his loss and moved on, and no one had judged him for it.
“I’m going to email you a list of Scripture verses about guilt, and how to get free of it,” Carson said. “Once you’ve grieved and healed from your past hurts and losses, you have to make your own decisions, independent of what others might think. I don’t know about your wife, but my first wife had mental health issues that colored the way she looked at everything. It took some work for me to realize that wasn’t my fault. Work and prayer.” He pushed his plate away. “I’ll also be praying for you to discern the right next step,” he said.
“Thanks.” Jack was grateful that Carson wasn’t the type to hold his hand and pray publicly.
There wasn’t an opportunity anyway, because old Tecumseh Smith stopped by the table to tell Jack about the digestive difficulties his mule was having, in colorful detail. Jack kept eating and nodding and offering advice, until he noticed that Carson was looking a little green and brought the conversation to an end.
“Sorry,” he said to Carson after Tecumseh walked away. “Forgot that not everyone likes to discuss mule intestines while they eat.”
“You did not eat enough!” Delfina approached the table and
frowned at Carson’s half-full plate.
“Can you wrap it up for me, senora?” Carson asked. “I’ll have it for lunch tomorrow. I’m feeling better already.”
“I will box it up with another carton of soup,” she said and whisked away their plates. Jack insisted on paying—it was the least he could do—and they walked the short distance back to their vehicles in the cool evening twilight. “Just remember,” Carson said as they were about to part ways. “You’re not doomed to repeat the past. God can make all things new, and that includes you. You’re a new creation, and anything is possible with Him.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“I am right. It’s all in the Bible.” Carson held up an arm as a barrier, avoiding Jack’s handshake. “I don’t want to get you sick. Thanks for the dinner, man.”
“Thank you,” Jack said and walked back to his truck with more of a spring in his step than he’d had in days.
He wasn’t going to delude himself that one conversation with Carson had resolved all his issues, but it had helped. He no longer dreaded seeing Arianna back at the ranch. Truth to tell, he was looking forward to it.
* * *
“So, did you have a good time with Branson?” Arianna asked Penny. The older woman had come over shortly after Jack had texted her to ask her to stay late. Now she was trying to avoid Penny’s perceptive questions about what was going on between her and Jack.
They were sitting in Jack’s kitchen, watching the sun set over the Sangre de Cristos. Sammy had been exhausted from a trip to the Esperanza Springs library’s baby lap sit followed by a TSS appointment, so Arianna had put him to bed half an hour early.
“Branson’s a very nice man,” Penny said. “He brought flowers and a side dish—this couscous salad,” she added, pointing to the dish she’d brought, “that he’d made himself.”
“Which is really good,” Arianna said, taking another bite of it. “I mean, how many guys would use fresh dill and oregano?”
“How many men even know what couscous is?” Penny asked, chuckling. “I had to sneak off to the bathroom and look it up on my phone so I didn’t seem like too much of a country bumpkin.”
The Nanny's Secret Baby--A Fresh-Start Family Romance Page 10
