He moved back to the chairs they’d been sitting in and she followed. She sat, and he moved his chair away from her.
Her heart was breaking, cracking in two.
He stared at the floor for a long time, and she watched him, forcing herself to stay quiet, to let him process the news in his own way. Finally, he looked up at her. “Chloe knew the whole time? And kept it from me?”
She nodded, and he looked away.
This was a third awful thing he had to deal with: the fact that his marriage hadn’t been what he thought, that there had been a huge lie at the center of it. He didn’t betray much with his expression, but a muscle twitched in his cheek.
“Why?” he asked in a low tone.
Here was her chance to explain. To find the words that would give him a little bit of peace, and that might allow her to still see Sammy, be there for him, at least a little. She chose them carefully.
“Do you remember when I went to Atlanta to live for a few months, and Chloe came to visit me? Did that seem a little odd to you?”
He nodded.
“Right, because we weren’t that kind of close sisters. But she’d found out from our mother that I was expecting a baby.”
He looked up quickly. “Whose baby?”
Oh, she didn’t want to go there. She knew instinctively that finding out Sammy’s paternity would be a blow to Jack. “Let me tell the story in my way?” she asked. “I’ll get to all of it. I promise.”
He nodded. He still wasn’t meeting her eyes, and that was killing her. She wanted to sink down onto her knees and beg for forgiveness, to cry on his shoulder—anything to keep their connection alive. She reached for his hand.
He crossed his arms and turned, avoiding her touch. “Just tell it.”
“Okay.” She drew in a deep breath, let it out and started talking. “She came to ask me if she could adopt the baby. My plan had always been to place the baby for adoption. Well, almost always.” She’d thought, at first, that maybe she and Nathan could marry and raise their child. But when she’d met Nathan for coffee, planning to tell him about her pregnancy and discuss what to do, he’d beaten her to the punch, telling her he didn’t want to be involved with her anymore and that he’d gotten a wonderful postdoc up in Boulder, one that didn’t pay well but would allow him to do his research.
She remembered looking at him, this man she liked but didn’t love, this man whose bright future would be crushed by the requirement to support her and a child. She’d shot up a desperate prayer to a God she barely knew.
The next moment, a family had come into the restaurant, a Caucasian mother and father and a little girl with Asian features. “Can I have a milkshake, Mama?” the girl had asked.
The man had swung her up high, making her giggle, and then settled her into his arms. “Whatever you want, princess,” he’d said.
Arianna didn’t consider herself to be a true Christian back then. She’d only just started going to church again after several years away. But even she could recognize a divine moment. It was as if God had proffered a visual aid, just when she needed it: adoption can be the perfect answer.
“It’s okay, Nathan,” she’d said. “You’ve got to follow your dreams. I understand.”
Now she looked at Jack, his shoulders hunched and tight, lines bracketing his downturned mouth. In trying to do the right thing by Nathan and Chloe and, most of all, Sammy, she’d done Jack a great wrong. “It seemed to make sense. We were both immature, not good at thinking about future consequences. And for different reasons, we both felt desperate.”
He was quiet for a couple of minutes, and then he looked at her, his face bleak. “I get why you and Chloe would’ve made that arrangement. I guess. But why wouldn’t you tell me?”
She lifted her hands, palms up. “Chloe insisted. For reasons she wouldn’t explain to me, she didn’t want you to know.”
“But you knew what Chloe was like!” he burst out. “Why would you let her make a decision like that for you? A decision that was so wrong?”
Why had she? Yes, Chloe had been persuasive, and Arianna had been raised to take care of her. But she wouldn’t normally have allowed Chloe to lead her into doing something she thought was wrong.
The part she’d barely admitted to herself, the part she’d shoved down and avoided, nudged into the hospital-bright light. “I wanted to know him,” she admitted through a throat that had gone thick and achy. “I wanted to see him growing up and to know he was okay. I couldn’t face just giving him to strangers, getting a photo once a year.”
Jack’s mouth tightened. He didn’t say anything, but to Arianna, his expression was pure negative judgment.
“Do you know what it was like, going through pregnancy and childbirth, holding him in my arms, loving him more and more, and then letting him go?” Her voice was hoarse and tears were rolling down her face, but she couldn’t stop now. “It was like tearing out part of my heart and throwing it aside. It almost killed me, Jack! But it was good for Sammy. And that was what mattered.”
Jack was shaking his head. “No. Stop it. I’m not going to feel sorry for you.”
“Of course not,” she choked out. “That’s not what I want, I was just trying to explain—”
“You came to me and offered to be his nanny,” he said. “Knowing you were his mother. You’ve hung out with me and eaten meals with me and—” He broke off, looking at her with eyes that expressed pure pain, and she knew what he had been about to say.
She’d kissed him. Knowing this awful secret, she’d kissed him.
“Were you planning to try to get him back? Is that why you acted like you cared for me?”
“No, Jack, of course not. I wanted to tell you—”
“But you didn’t, did you?” He swallowed and straightened. “Get out.”
“What?” She met his eyes, saw the anger there and instinctively crossed her arms over her chest.
He waved a hand at the door. “Go on. I don’t want you here.”
“But Sammy needs—”
“I’m still his father,” Jack interrupted, his voice hard and cold. “And I don’t want you here.”
She stood. “I understand, Jack, but I hope—”
“Now, please?” His voice cracked a little on the last word.
“Okay.” She nodded rapidly, then looked over at Sammy. “Will you...” She wanted him to keep her updated, but that wasn’t a favor she could ask, not now. “Can I bring you anything? Clothes, a cell phone charger? Coffee?”
“I’ll get Penny or Willie to help.” He turned away from her and went to Sammy’s bedside. His shoulders were stiff and square, a wall against her.
“Right.” She swallowed hard and headed out the door.
She had her hand on the door when he said, “Hey.”
“Yeah?” She turned back, searching his face for any kind of softening, a hope of forgiveness.
There was none. “You didn’t tell me who Sammy’s dad is.”
Right. And she’d promised to tell him everything. And his attitude toward her was already about as low as it could go. “It was Nathan,” she said.
His mouth twisted to the side, and he gave one nod. Looked away from her and waved her out with one hand, as if she were a pesky courtier and he were the king.
She couldn’t fault him for it, though. He’d had shock upon shock. “He didn’t know, Jack,” she said. “Not until he figured it out himself, just a little while ago. Don’t hate him.”
His lips flattened and he planted his legs wide, his fists clenching. “Do I have to call hospital security to get you out of here?”
It wasn’t fair, when he’d asked her a question that had held up her departure. But what she’d done was much, much more unfair. She opened her mouth to say goodbye, couldn’t squeeze out the word and half stumbled into the bright corridor, feeling like her own heart had been sur
gically excised.
* * *
Jack got through the next few hours on the kind of autopilot he’d perfected doing long, complex surgeries on extremely fragile animals. He comforted Sammy when he woke up, tried to get him to eat the unfamiliar soft food diet and called Penny to bring in the blue-and-white-checked bear and a few other supplies. He didn’t ask it, but she also brought a change of clothes for Jack.
“You should have called the moment this happened,” she scolded him. “Honestly, we all thought you and Arianna had gone off for some quiet time together. You seemed like you were having a wonderful night. Where is she, by the way?”
Jack hadn’t even thought about the fact that he’d have to explain things to people and figure out who should know the truth about Sammy. For now, he just shook his head. “We had a disagreement,” he said.
She’d sat down on the side of Sammy’s bed, and at his words, she looked quickly up at him. “That happens,” she said, “but I’m sorry it happened now, when there’s so much stress in your life. I’m sure you’ll work it out.”
“No.” And he didn’t want to talk about it. He sorted through the supplies she’d brought. “Look, Sammy, your cup!”
Sammy reached fretfully for it, then threw it down. He made a fist and rubbed his cheek, then looked expectantly at Jack.
“Does it hurt?” Jack put his hand on Sammy’s cheek, then touched his forehead. His fever, thankfully, had gone down.
Sammy twisted away and curled around his bear.
“This has to be hard on him emotionally,” Penny said quietly.
Jack nodded. “He doesn’t even like it when he has a different food for dinner or gets a new shirt. Being in the hospital means everything is new.”
“That’s rough. Rough on you, too.” Penny patted Jack’s arm. “Look, why don’t you get a shower and change clothes? I’ll sit with Sammy. It looks like he’s going to sleep anyway.”
“You don’t need to...” He trailed off. He wanted to do everything for Sammy himself, but he’d been going nonstop for more than twenty-four hours now. He was just so tired. “Thanks, I will.”
After he showered in the little bathroom connected to Sammy’s hospital room, and his energy returned, his anger grew. What had Arianna and Chloe been thinking, keeping the truth about Sammy from him? How disrespectful could you get? Had they never intended to tell Sammy, either? What was supposed to happen if Sammy got sick or, when he got older, wanted to know something about his heritage? Had they even considered those ramifications?
Moments from his years with Chloe pushed their way into his head. How brokenhearted she’d been about her infertility. How she’d closed down, turned away from him. How, when they’d adopted Sammy, it hadn’t made her as happy as he’d expected it to.
How she’d avoided Arianna, felt competitive with her, been obsessed with the idea that Jack had feelings for her.
Looking at his face in the mirror as he shaved, he almost felt like she was a shadow behind him, hovering. Permanently unhappy.
She’d been beautiful, outwardly perfect. They’d wanted the same things when they’d married. But life hadn’t worked out the way they’d planned.
Chloe had struggled with so many issues. He wanted to feel angry with her for her secrecy and lies, but he ran out of gas when he thought it through. She hadn’t had full control of her thinking.
But Arianna did! Arianna, free-spirited, warmhearted Arianna, knew perfectly well what she was doing. She’d betrayed him without a second thought, had then come to be his nanny and acted like she was falling for him.
Had she done that because she wanted to get close to Sammy again, to be his mother?
He rammed his fist against the wall of the bathroom. It hurt, but not as much as his heart did.
He’d been falling for Arianna, hard. He’d wanted something to happen with her. He’d loved how warm and creative she was with Sammy. He’d even thought of marriage.
What a fool he’d been.
When he came back to Sammy’s bedside, refreshed in body if not in spirit, Penny rose to meet him. “They came in and took his vitals, but he’s sleeping again,” she said. “And your phone’s blowing up.”
He checked on Sammy, pulled the covers up and stroked his sweaty head. His throat tightened. It’s just you and me, little guy. We’ll make it alone.
Then, to escape his emotions, he scrolled through his phone. For every message from a friend—because word had gotten out in Esperanza Springs, and everyone was worried about Sammy—there was a message from Arianna.
I’m sorry.
Do you need anything?
How is Sammy doing?
Her concern rang so false that he felt like throwing his phone across the room. Instead, he clicked into his phone settings and blocked her number.
Sammy stirred, and his eyes opened. He rubbed his cheek with his fist again.
“I don’t know why he keeps doing that,” Jack said to Penny. “What’s wrong, buddy? Does your face hurt?”
“Oh! I think I know what it is,” Penny said unexpectedly.
He looked at her, surprised. “What do you mean?”
“It’s a sign. You know how Arianna taught him more and milk and banana?”
And daddy. She’d taught him to tap his forehead with the thumb of an open hand, asking for Daddy. He remembered when Arianna had pointed to Jack, and Sammy had half smiled and made the sign.
Arianna had swooped down on him with hugs, her eyes shiny with happy tears. When she’d calmed down a little, she’d explained the sign’s significance to Jack.
It had made him feel hopeful. Sammy was learning to communicate. And he was communicating about people, being social. A double win.
In a way, it was Sammy’s first time of saying, “Daddy.” He remembered how he’d reached over and squeezed Arianna’s hand, all full of emotion, and she’d smiled at him.
“So what does the cheek-rub sign mean? Do you know?” Because no way, no way was he calling Arianna to find out.
She nodded. “It’s his sign for Arianna,” she said. “He wants her.”
Chapter Fourteen
Sammy was crying. Again.
Arianna stared out the window of her second-floor apartment, looking at the house where Jack and Sammy lived. They’d come home from the hospital last night, but Arianna had no way of knowing how he was doing healthwise. It had been three days since she’d revealed the truth to Jack in the hospital, and she hadn’t been able to contact him since.
She could tell Sammy wasn’t doing well emotionally. The fussy, whiny sound of his wailing made her ache to comfort him.
She’d go over there. She picked up her purse, got the plate of cookies she’d baked in the hopes of seeing Sammy and started out the door. But two steps down the stairs, she lost her courage.
Jack didn’t want her there. He wasn’t answering her calls or texts. He had as much as threatened to call hospital security to keep her away. If she showed up on his doorstep, he wouldn’t open the door. He might even call the state police.
She went back inside, put down her things and sat at her small kitchen table, staring out at the Sangre de Cristo Mountains, her gaze frequently turning toward Jack’s house.
Sammy’s cries stopped, and that was a comfort. Jack must have gotten him calmed down.
Thinking about Jack made her stomach twist into impossible knots. She would never forget the look on his face as the truth had sunk in. Shock. Betrayal. Anger. All understandable emotions, and she couldn’t fault him for having them. But what had hurt the most was what hadn’t been there: the love and caring that had been in his eyes every time he looked at her. Now that was gone. And it wasn’t coming back.
She’d been happy about it, enjoyed it. But she hadn’t realized how very blessed she was to have it, and how awful it would be when it was withdrawn. It was the acce
ptance she’d always wanted and never gotten before. Jack had liked her as she was, her messy, disorganized, slightly overweight self. He cared for her, even knowing her flaws.
Except he hadn’t known the worst ones. He hadn’t known what she was hiding, what she had concealed, and when he had discovered that, it had proven to be too much, even for his larger-than-normal heart.
She’d blown it. She blown the best thing she’d ever had.
The sound of a thin, high cry drifted across the space between the houses on a mountain breeze, quickly increasing in volume. Sammy was upset again.
It was killing her not to know what was going on with him, whether his prognosis was good, whether some kind of a transplant was going to be needed. Oh, she’d gladly give Sammy a kidney or any other organ that she could donate.
If Jack would allow it.
The crying didn’t stop. It got louder. She shut the window so she wouldn’t hear it anymore. Let him deal with it himself if he was determined to.
She stood with her hands on the window frame, trying to look away.
And then she grabbed her things again and clattered down the stairs. A moment later she was on Jack’s front porch, knocking.
He didn’t answer.
She knocked again, just a little louder. He had to hear her. She knew he was in there, could hear Sammy’s cries distinctly now.
Behind her, she heard a car door slam. Finn, the ranch manager, emerged from the office and walked to meet the suited, cowboy-booted man, who’d apparently come on some sort of business. They walked into the barn.
“Jack! Please, let me come in, just for a minute!”
Sammy’s cries escalated.
“Jack! Please!”
The door opened, and there was Jack, stubble thick on his cheeks and lines she’d never seen before bracketing his mouth and crossing his forehead. Dark circles beneath his eyes told the story of sleepless nights.
Sammy’s face was red, but he looked far, far healthier than he had when Arianna had last seen him. Relief washed over her, even as his cries grew louder. He reached his little arms toward her.
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