Positive Discipline- the First Three Years

by Jane Nelsen

  USE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR

  No one ever said parenting had to be boring or unpleasant. Often, laughter is the best way to approach a situation. Learn to laugh together and create games to get unpleasant jobs done quickly. Humor is one of the best—and most enjoyable—parenting tools.

  It is amazing how a child who resists a direct order will respond with enthusiasm when that order becomes an invitation to play. Try telling your toddler, “I bet you can’t pick up all your little cars before I count to ten,” or “I wonder if you can brush your teeth and get into your pajamas before Dad does.”

  GET INTO YOUR CHILD’S WORLD

  Understanding your baby’s or toddler’s developmental needs and limitations is critical to parenting in the first three years of life. Do your best to be empathetic when your child cries (or has a temper tantrum). He may just be frustrated with his lack of abilities. Empathy involves understanding and connection, not rescuing. If you want to leave the park and your child isn’t ready to go, give her a hug and validate her feelings: “You’re really upset right now. I know you want to stay, and it’s time to leave.” Then hold your child and let her experience her feelings before you move on to the next activity. If you were to pamper your child by letting her stay at the park longer, she would not have the opportunity to learn from experience that she can survive disappointment—and she might be learning that you can be manipulated.

  Getting into your child’s world also means seeing the world from her perspective and recognizing her abilities—and her limitations. Ask yourself occasionally how you might be feeling (and acting) if you were your child. It can be illuminating to view the world through a smaller person’s eyes.

  FOLLOW THROUGH WITH KIND AND FIRM ACTION: IF YOU SAY IT, MEAN IT, AND IF YOU MEAN IT, FOLLOW THROUGH

  Children usually sense when you mean what you say and when you don’t. It’s usually best not to say anything unless you mean it, are willing to do it, can say it respectfully—and can follow through with dignity and respect. Sometimes the fewer words you say, the better! This may mean redirecting your child or showing her what she can do instead of punishing her for what she can’t do. It also might mean wordlessly removing a child from the slide when she refuses to leave, rather than getting into an argument or a battle of wills. When this is done kindly, firmly, and without anger or words, it will be both respectful and effective.

  BE PATIENT

  Understand that you may need to teach your child many things over and over before she is developmentally ready to understand. For example, you can encourage a young child to share, but don’t expect her to understand the concept and do it on her own right away. Sharing requires time, practice, and better-developed impulse control. When she refuses to share, rest assured that this doesn’t mean she will be forever selfish. It will help to understand that she is acting age-appropriately. Don’t take your child’s behavior personally and think your child is mad at you, bad, or defiant. Act like the adult (sometimes easier said than done) and do what is necessary without guilt and shame.

  PROVIDE LOTS OF SUPERVISION, DISTRACTION, AND REDIRECTION

  Minimize your words and maximize your actions. As Rudolf Dreikurs once said, “Shut your mouth and act.” Young children need constant supervision. If a child heads toward an open door, quietly take her by the hand and lead her to where she needs to go. Show her what she can do instead of what she can’t do. Instead of saying, “Don’t hit the dog,” show her how to touch the dog nicely. When you understand that children don’t really understand “no” the way you think they should, it makes more sense to use distraction, redirection, or any of the respectful Positive Discipline methods.

  My Child Won’t Listen!

  Q: My two-year-old is so stubborn. No matter how I talk to him, he just refuses to listen to me; he only wants to do what he wants. If I tell him it’s time for bed, he ignores me and keeps right on watching TV. I don’t seem to be able to get him to do anything unless I get angry—and I always feel terrible after I lose my temper. How can I get him to listen to me?

  A: This is one of the most frequent complaints we hear from parents: “My child won’t listen!” (When most parents say “My child won’t listen,” what they really mean is “My child won’t obey.”) It’s unlikely that there is anything wrong with your son’s hearing; he simply doesn’t want to do what you are telling him to do. There are many ways to engage your child’s attention and cooperation—this chapter is filled with them. You can also try some of the tools already mentioned: asking (rather than telling) him to do something; getting down on his level before speaking; creating a bedtime routine chart; setting a timer and then following through with kind and firm action; and, if necessary, carrying him to his room. Believe it or not, his refusal to “listen” is working for him: it’s keeping you busy with him for long periods of time. Most parents lose their tempers from time to time. When this happens, apologize and ask for a hug, then think about how to get a different result next time.

  ACCEPT YOUR CHILD’S UNIQUENESS

  Remember that children develop differently and have different strengths. Expecting from a child what he cannot give will only frustrate both of you. Your sister’s children may be able to sit quietly in a restaurant for hours, while yours get twitchy after just a few minutes, no matter how diligently you prepare. (Refer to Chapters 9 and 10 on temperament and developmentally appropriate behavior for more on this subject.) That being the case, you may decide to save that fancy meal out for a time when you can enjoy it in adult company—or for when your children have matured enough for all of you to enjoy it together.

  It may help to think of yourself as a coach, helping your child succeed and learn how to do things. You’re also an observer, learning who your child is as a unique human being. Never underestimate the ability of a young child. Watch carefully as you introduce new opportunities and activities; discover what your child is interested in, what he can do by himself, and what he needs your help with in order to learn.

  RETHINK “TIME-OUT”

  Many parents use something called time-out, but few really understand what it is or how best to use it with young children. If you’ve ever heard a parent say to a defiant toddler, “I’ve had it! Go to time-out and think about what you did,” or “That’s one … that’s two …,” you may wonder where time-out fits with the Positive Discipline approach.

  Positive time-out (very different from punitive time-out) can be an extremely effective way of helping a child (and a parent!) calm down enough to solve problems together. In fact, when you are upset or angry, you lose access to the part of the brain that allows you to think clearly, so time-out is an especially appropriate parenting tool—when it is positive and not punitive, and is used to teach, encourage, and soothe. But there are several points that need to be made regarding time-out for young children.1

  • Time-outs should not be used with children under the age of three and a half to four years of age. (If they aren’t old enough to help design a time-out spot, they aren’t old enough to use it.) Until children can link cause and effect and begin to think logically, which begins at around age two and a half (and is an ongoing process that even some adults have not fully mastered), supervision and distraction are the most effective parenting tools. Even when children reach the beginning stages of rational thought, they do not have the maturity and judgment to make logical decisions.

  Most parents have at one time or another found themselves in a heated debate with someone who only comes up to their kneecap—and most will admit that reason, lecturing, and argument just don’t work. Your child may be able to read the energy of your feelings and understand that you want something; he may even be able to guess what that something is. But he does not understand the logic of your arguments in the way you think he does.

  It is heartbreaking to see young children sent to punitive time-outs when they are not developmentally able to understand what it is all about. A punitive time-out increases the probability that y
oung children will develop a sense of doubt and shame instead of a healthy sense of autonomy. (See Chapter 8 for important information on the development of autonomy versus doubt and shame.)

  • Children do better when they feel better. Even younger children can benefit from an opportunity to “cool off,” especially if you go with them. We know of one mother who used “positive time-out” successfully with her eighteen-month-old child. That it “worked” was undoubtedly due to her attitude. She would say to her child, “Would you like to lie on your comfy pillow for a while?” Sometimes he would just toddle off to his pillow and lie down until he felt better. If he hesitated, she would ask, “Do you want me to go with you?” This mother understood the purpose of positive time-out—to help children feel better so that they can do better, not to make them feel bad in the hope that feeling bad will inspire them to do better (it doesn’t), or to “think about what they did” (they can’t).

  • Your attitude is the key. Your child is more likely to be focused on what you did (and the emotion behind it) than what she did. At this point in their young lives, children need lots of guidance without the expectation that they will be able to absorb and use what they are learning right away. In most cases, time-out should not be used at all with a child younger than three—unless it is being modeled by adults. Sometimes just asking for a hug is a quick “time-out” that will help you both feel better.

  • Create a calming space with your child. If you do decide to try positive time-out with your child, let him help you set up a safe, comfortable area where you can go together. This could be as simple as a favorite chair where your child can sit on your lap while you sing a calming song or read a book. No, this is not rewarding misbehavior. It is understanding that learning to manage feelings takes time and practice. Pillows, stuffed animals, or favorite soothing toys may help. Before the age of three and a half, you might find it helpful to say, “Let’s go to your cool-off spot to read a book or listen to music until we feel better.” Your child may not understand the purpose of time-out, but she will sense the “energy” behind your words and will respond accordingly.2

  • Model positive time-out by creating your own “cool-out space.” When you feel overwhelmed, you might say, “I need to go to my special place for a few minutes until I feel better. Do you want to come with me?” It will take a while for the meaning of what you are doing to sink in, but your child will eventually discover that “cooling out” is helpful for everyone.

  • Be sure to have more than just time-out in your toolbox. No parenting tool works all of the time. There is never one tool—or three, or even ten—that is effective for every situation and for every child. Filling your parenting toolbox with healthy, nonpunitive alternatives will help you avoid the temptation to punish when your child challenges you—and he undoubtedly will. The more you know, the more confident you will feel as you cope with the ups and downs of life with a young child.

  Georgia sighed in exasperation—this was Amanda’s third tantrum this afternoon. Two-year-old Amanda was having a rough day; Luke, her older brother, had invited a houseful of friends over to play for the afternoon and Amanda hadn’t been able to take her usual nap. Now, cranky and miserable, she had ripped half the pages from Georgia’s new magazine, then swept it off the table. She gazed up at her mom with stubborn defiance—and a trembling chin.

  Georgia was tired herself. She stifled the desire to lecture her small daughter and drew a deep breath. “Would you like to curl up in your special corner with your blankie?” she asked Amanda.

  Amanda only shook her head and sat down in a heap amid the torn pages of the magazine.

  “Well, how about playing with your dollhouse?”Georgia asked helpfully, reaching out to take Amanda’s hand and lead her to her favorite toy.

  Amanda yanked her hand away and let her little body go limp on the floor, shaking her head vehemently.

  Georgia sighed again and sat down near her daughter. Let’s see, she thought. What else did they suggest in that parenting class—something about asking for help?

  Georgia rose and gave Amanda a weary smile. “You know what, honey?” she said as kindly as she could. “I need to start dinner—and I sure could use some help. You can lie here and rest or you can join me in the kitchen and help me wash the lettuce—it’s up to you.” And with that, Georgia walked into the kitchen.

  For a few moments, the sniffling and kicking from the family room floor continued. Soon, however, a small, tear-streaked face peered around the kitchen corner. Amanda looked uncertainly at her mom, but Georgia just smiled and gestured toward the sink.

  Encouraged, Amanda went to get her little stool, dragged it over to the sink, and began dunking lettuce leaves in the water. By the time Amanda’s dad arrived home, harmony had been restored: Georgia had helped Amanda clear away the ripped magazine, and Georgia, Luke, and Amanda were working companionably together to set the table. Georgia was glad that positive time-out wasn’t the only tool in her parenting toolbox.

  It is often true that what works with young children one day will not work the next. But if you’ve taken the time to know your child and to learn all the different ways there are to teach and encourage, chances are good that you will find something that works—just for today.

  • Always remember your child’s developmental stage and capabilities. Understanding what is (and is not) age-appropriate behavior will help you not to expect things that are beyond the ability of your child.

  Chuck and Susie took their eighteen-month-old twin boys to a band concert featuring their seven-year-old daughter as a flute soloist. The twins were fascinated with the concert—for about ten minutes. Then they found other ways to entertain themselves. One twin started crawling under the seats, and the other soon joined the fun. Chuck took the twins outside and spanked them for not sitting still. The twins cried loudly and could not be taken back inside for the rest of the concert. Chuck was very disappointed that he missed his daughter’s solo, his daughter was disappointed that her father didn’t hear her, and Susie and the twins were upset about the spanking. Everyone was miserable.

  It is a sad thing when children are punished for doing things that are developmentally appropriate, even though they are not situationally appropriate. It is unreasonable to expect young children to sit quietly for long periods of time. However, it is not okay to allow children to disturb others. Since Chuck and Susie didn’t choose to leave their twins with a caregiver, it would have been more effective for them to take turns taking their children outside so they could take turns hearing parts of the concert. It was not appropriate to punish the children, but it would have been helpful to provide a distraction, such as bringing coloring supplies to play with or picture books to look at. This kind of advance planning makes it more likely that your child will be able to behave appropriately.

  LET THE MESSAGE OF LOVE GET THROUGH

  We often ask parents in workshops why they want their children to “be good.” After a few moments of head-scratching and blank stares, they tell us that they love their children and think that they will be happier people if they are “good”—or that they will be miserable if they become “spoiled brats.” So they punish (or reward) in the name of love. But do their children feel loved? Positive Discipline means learning to be kind and firm at the same time, which nurtures your connection with your child while teaching skills and appropriate behavior.

  Even the most effective nonpunitive parenting tools must be used in an atmosphere of love, of unconditional acceptance and belonging. Be sure you take time for hugs and cuddles, for smiles and loving touch. Your child will do better when he feels better, and he will feel better when he lives—and can learn life’s lessons—in a world where he knows he belongs and is taught with kindness and firmness.

  QUESTIONS TO PONDER

  1. Think about a relationship where you feel a sense of acceptance and belonging. What allows you to feel that way? What hinders your sense of belonging? Now think about your child’s
sense of belonging. What creates it? How might her behavior change if she truly felt a sense of connection to you?

  2. Consider a time when your child misbehaved or “didn’t listen.” After reading this chapter, can you think of any Positive Discipline tools which might have made a difference in that situation? Decide what you will do the next time this behavior occurs. Journal about the differences for you and for your child.

  1 For expanded information about time-out, see Positive Time-Out and Over 50 Ways to Avoid Power Struggles in the Home and the Classroom, by Jane Nelsen (New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999).

  2 You may find it helpful to read Jared’s Cool-Out Space, by Jane Nelsen, Ashlee Wilkinson, and Bill Schorr, with your child. Watching Jared create and use his “cool-out space” may inspire your child—and you! Available at www.positivediscipline.com.

  6

  THE DEVELOPMENT OF EMOTIONAL SKILLS AND LANGUAGE

  Have you ever watched a parent cradle an infant, gaze down into his face, and coo words of love? What does it all mean to the baby? He can’t understand the words; how does he learn to recognize the feelings? How do feelings and vague impressions grow into words, thoughts, and real communication? How does your baby learn to give and receive love?

  EMOTIONS AND CONNECTION

  Babies and very young children read nonverbal cues, facial expressions, and emotional energy to learn about the world of relationships. An infant does not understand all the complex meanings and concepts contained in the word “love,” but she does learn to interpret the world around her. In some families there is little connection, security, or trust. In most, however, a baby experiences trust and connection, with adults who hear and respond to her cries and signals for attention. She senses that the hands that touch her are gentle and caressing, and the voice that speaks to her is warm and soft. Mom or Dad looks into her eyes and holds her attention (until she looks away as part of her innate ability to “self-soothe” from all the excitement). She feels the gentle rain of kisses that tickle her feathery hair. She recognizes familiar smells that communicate the approach of special people, and she senses the environment of caring that supports her in her new life. These events convey a feeling of “love” to a young child, and she responds with similar feelings and behavior.