Positive Discipline- the First Three Years

by Jane Nelsen

  ROUTINES AND RITUALS

  These early months and years represent a time of constant change. Any mom with a newborn can testify that her daily routines change drastically from day to day, because everything is new, for both infants and their parents. For a child to develop trust, life must become predictable, and that is the role of routines. Establishing routines is an important part of a parent and child’s first months and years together. By the age of three months, most babies have settled into a predictable schedule. If a mother is nursing, the three-month point seems to be the time when growth spurts that cause fussiness cease. Milk supply now meets the child’s needs. But routines will be tested along the way as a child grows and develops—for example, when she is ready to give up naps but you aren’t ready to give up that quiet time for yourself.

  Daily activities, when done in ways that can be counted upon, form the backdrop of predictability and connection that becomes a child’s life experience. When we see things in this context, it makes sense that whenever there is disruption in our lives—from a move, to a divorce, to the chaos caused by natural or man-made disasters—our sense of safety is reestablished by following familiar routines, allowing us to resume our trust in the world around us. The early activities of caregiving may not seem critical, but these simple everyday acts shape our lifelong ability to trust.

  Rituals, though not very elaborate in these early years, do contribute important elements to the strengthening and development of trust. Mom gently bouncing her baby and cooing after nursing, Dad making smacking sounds with his lips to coax a smile before offering the baby his bottle, or an older sister singing “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” at bedtime—all are rituals that add texture to a young child’s life and begin to define it. They confirm his experience of the world as a predictable and trustworthy place, and tell him that he is secure and safe. As he grows, the rituals of family celebrations and traditions will continue to add joy and a sense of connection to his life.

  ENJOY YOUR CHILDREN AND YOURSELF

  Life throws plenty of curveballs to all new parents, from ear infections to worries about unpaid bills, but if you forget to enjoy special moments, learning new skills and adjusting to life with a developing child can seem like a heavy burden. Do we really need to mention the importance of enjoying your children? We think so. Sharing your life with a child, especially during his first year of life, can be an overwhelming experience. Everything is new, the baby is demanding, and you may have moments when you worry if you’re doing it “right.” Your baby will sense your worry and doubt, and his growing sense of trust may be hindered. Use this opportunity to increase your trust in yourself—remembering that it is not helpful to take mistakes too seriously. It is helpful to learn from them with gratitude. When built upon the foundation of enjoyment, awareness, and education, confidence will filter through your heart and you will know what to do. (Yes, you really will!)

  MAKING ENJOYMENT A PRIORITY

  How can infants develop a sense of trust if they don’t feel the energy of enjoyment from their parents or caregivers, and know that they are loved, wanted, and appreciated? Maya Angelou said it all on an Oprah show: “Do your eyes light up when your children walk into the room?” When your child is an infant, make sure your eyes light up when you walk into his presence—and continue to do so for the rest of your life.

  Ask yourself this question when circumstances get in the way of simply enjoying your child: “What difference will this make ten years from now?” Whether or not the house is clean, the lawn is mowed, or the furniture is waxed won’t make any difference; on the other hand, time you spend with your partner and your child will make all the difference in the world!

  Help Your Infant Develop a Sense of Trust

  • Meet all your baby’s needs.

  • Learn the difference between needs and wants.

  • Avoid pampering (meet all needs, not all wants).

  • Learn about developmental needs (social, intellectual, and physical).

  • Learn parenting skills (including long-term results of what you do).

  • Have confidence and trust in yourself and your child.

  • Enjoy your child.

  QUESTIONS TO PONDER

  1. Take a moment to journal about your own confidence as a parent. What parts of caring for your child allow you to relax and enjoy the process? What tasks make you feel tense or overwhelmed? How might your relationship with your child be different if you were able to relax more often? What would allow you to develop confidence as a parent?

  2. Are there times you feel you’re being manipulated by your child? Do you believe it’s necessary to constantly hold or carry your child? How easily can you tolerate her crying and attempts to self-soothe? In what ways does learning about her need to develop trust help you relax and give her space to learn?

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  AUTONOMY VERSUS DOUBT AND SHAME

  “I Can Stand on My Own Two Feet (But Don’t Abandon Me!)”

  The second of Erik Erikson’s critical tasks (a sense of autonomy versus doubt and shame) is developed during the second year of life. Understanding this will help you find more joy than frustration in the many antics of your toddler. What do toddlers want to do? Just about everything: explore, touch, examine, put their fingers in sockets, play with the remote control, empty cupboards of every pot and pan, play in the toilet, unravel the toilet paper, eat lipstick, spill perfume, and investigate everything they can get their hands on.

  What happens when parents don’t allow a toddler to explore, or slap their child’s hand when he touches something he is not supposed to touch? He may develop a sense of doubt and shame that haunts him in later life. Shame, it turns out, is one of the most toxic emotional reactions a person can have, and does not inspire trust, confidence, or closeness.

  Well-meaning parents who have not learned about this important developmental phase may not know that too much confinement and punishment, or constantly referring to the “terrible twos” with irritation, can instill doubt and shame instead of a sense of autonomy—even though this sense of doubt and shame does not show up until later in life. Notice that we said a sense of autonomy—not autonomy itself.

  Erik Erikson used the words “sense of” to describe a tendency in one direction or the other. A “sense of” also describes the confidence or confusion young children may experience when they don’t have the language or maturity to explain what is happening. Erikson believed that between the ages of one and three, children have the opportunity, with the help of their parents, to begin their quest for a sense of autonomy that is stronger and healthier than feelings of doubt and shame.

  A sense of autonomy is critical in healthy development; it is autonomy that gives a child confidence and the ability to pursue his own ideas and plans. Not surprisingly, a young child’s desire for autonomy presents some challenges for parents (as anyone who has shared a home with a toddler can testify), but children cannot thrive without it. Your child’s search for a sense of autonomy will continue throughout his childhood, but the foundation is established in his second and third year. A strong sense of trust initiated in the first year, and a strong sense of autonomy developed in the second and third years, also build the foundation for healthy self-worth.

  WHAT IS AUTONOMY?

  Since a strong sense of autonomy is so important, you need to know what it is and how to help your toddler develop it. The dictionary defines “autonomy” as independence or freedom, having the will of one’s actions. “What?” you might ask. “Give my toddler indepen dence and freedom? My toddler is still a baby who needs to be dependent on me!” The truth is that your toddler needs both autonomy and healthy dependence on you. He needs a balance between the security provided by parents and home, and the freedom to discover his own capabilities.

  This is illustrated beautifully by Harry F. Harlow’s classic research using monkeys and their young. In Harlow’s study, the mother monkeys took their babies into a room full of toys. The
baby monkeys clung to their mothers while they surveyed the interesting toys. Eventually, their need to explore took over and they left their mothers to play with the toys. Periodically, they would return and jump into their mothers’ arms for another dose of security before going back to their play. Children, too, need this gentle blending of safety and freedom. Too much freedom could be dangerous and threatening for a toddler. Too little freedom hampers healthy brain development and may stunt a developing sense of autonomy.

  ENCOURAGING AUTONOMY WITHOUT BEING PERMISSIVE

  It is easy to misunderstand what autonomy means for a toddler. Possessing autonomy does not mean that a child no longer needs guidance and safe boundaries. She does. It does not mean that she should rule the house and do whatever she wants. She shouldn’t. The development of autonomy requires freedom within safe boundaries, and kind and firm guidance, so your child can begin her important journey toward independence.

  Autonomy does not mean that a child is prepared to make decisions about life situations. Asking a child whether he wants to hold the keys or your purse gives him a healthy opportunity to experience his own power. Asking him whether he would prefer this preschool or that one, whether the family should visit Grandma’s at Thanksgiving, or whether he would mind if Mommy and Daddy go to a movie tonight may lead him to believe he is (or should be) in charge. Such decisions are adult responsibilities. Burdening children with too many choices—or the wrong sorts of choices—creates demanding, anxious tyrants. This is ineffective—and possibly harmful—parenting.

  HOW TO SAFELY PROMOTE AUTONOMY

  Because autonomy is such an important step in healthy development, you may wonder just what your role should be in promoting your little one’s self-confidence without exposing her to undue risk. One of the more persistent debates about parenting in early childhood concerns childproofing a home: removing poisons, plugging electrical sockets, latching kitchen cabinets, putting valuable or fragile items out of reach of young hands, and otherwise making the home environment safe for a child to explore. The importance of developing a child’s autonomy is an excellent argument in favor of childproofing your home. Some adults fret that childproofing fails to teach children about restraint. Remember that this is the age for supervision: self-restraint will come later. Young children are developmentally programmed to explore, and lack impulse control. If you ignore developmental needs and limitations, stress is the most likely result. The accompanying conflict and power struggles will not teach your child anything helpful.

  There are many things a child should not be allowed to do—like running with Grandma’s crystal vase or taking Dad’s hammer to the goldfish tank. Many adults believe the best way to teach toddlers not to touch things or do what they shouldn’t is to slap their hands. Not so. One childcare director who was leading a parenting class was asked how he kept children away from things they should not touch. Without any hesitation he said, “If they shouldn’t touch it, it is not within their reach.” Pretty simple, really. Grandma’s vase belongs on the mantel and Dad’s hammer should be stored in a toolbox. (The fish will thank you.)

  Homes are not always easy to rearrange, but there is still much you can do to provide a safe and exploration-friendly environment. Try covering those tempting remote controls or computer keyboards with a small cloth or towel. Limit access to what your toddler can reach and offer something appropriate to explore instead, such as lower drawers filled with pots and pans or plastic containers. Block access to wires and other forbidden objects by placing a basket of tempting toys in front of them.

  Think for a moment. Toddlers would not be normal if they didn’t want to explore and touch. They’re doing their developmental job, and it is an important ingredient in their sense of autonomy. Does it make sense to punish them for doing something that is normal and important for healthy development? Slapping and spanking is far more likely to create a sense of doubt and shame than healthy autonomy. Effective parenting can help children learn limits without creating doubt and shame.

  One mother insisted that she had to spank her child when it was a matter of safety, such as running into the street. She was asked if she thought a spanking would teach him well enough that she could allow him to play near a busy street unsupervised. She had to admit it wouldn’t. When she was asked, “How about a hundred spankings? Would that teach him so you could let him play near a busy street unsupervised?” She had to admit that she wouldn’t let her toddler play near a busy street no matter how often he had been spanked. She knew instinctively that he lacked the maturity and judgment to handle such danger on his own, and that spanking was not effective teaching.

  TEACH WITHOUT EXPECTING YOUR CHILD TO UNDERSTAND—UNTIL HE IS READY

  What this mother can do is teach her child about the dangers of a busy street—without expecting him to understand until he is older and can grasp the meaning of what he has been learning. She can hold his hand while walking near a busy intersection, ask him to look up and down the street to see if any cars are coming, and have him tell her when he thinks it is safe to cross the street. Even when he understands that it is safe to cross the street only when no cars are coming, he will still need supervision until he is much older—at least six to ten years old, depending on your community.

  This method of teaching follows the same principles of how children learn to talk. No one expects an infant to understand all the loving things parents say to her. Parents don’t expect their toddler to understand the first books they read to her. However, they recognize that their children will never learn to talk or understand stories unless they hear a lot of talking and reading—for as long as it takes.

  AUTONOMY AS A LIFE SKILL

  Imagine awaking from a deep sleep and discovering that you are in an unfamiliar new world and must learn not only how your own, brand-new body and emotions work but how the people around you live—and what they expect from you. Learning to survive and thrive would require a great deal of courage.

  Just being a toddler takes courage, something that is innate in young children unless parents instill a sense of fear. Little ones are born with the courage and energy to set about exploring how their world works. It’s a task fraught with perils—from a parent’s point of view. Actually, parents and toddlers make a good team. A toddler is happy to climb on the couch, and parents can be ready to catch him when he gets too close to the edge.

  Healthy autonomy is a balance between protecting children and allowing them to explore and test the world they will inhabit. How much is too much? How will you know when you (and your child) have the balance right?

  THE NEED TO EXPLORE IN A SAFE ENVIRONMENT

  An important part of the development of autonomy during the second year of life lies in the maturation of the muscle system. Providing a safe environment for exploration is one of the best ways to help toddlers develop autonomy as well as healthy muscles. As they explore, they exercise their muscles and enhance muscle maturation by experimenting with such activities as climbing, holding on, and letting go. (Yes, dropping that spoon over and over is helping them develop both their sense of autonomy and their muscle control.) Children who are confined too much will not have the opportunity to develop a strong sense of autonomy. Their brains may not develop the important pathways that come from exploring, and testing what they can and cannot do.

  Jenny did not know about the importance of helping her toddler develop a strong sense of autonomy. She was an artist who loved to paint during the day when the light was good. Her daughter, Dani, seemed content to sit in a high chair eating crackers for long periods of time. When Dani would tire of the high chair, Jenny would move her to a playpen or windup swing. Dani was rarely allowed to roam around the house.

  Jenny was not a “bad” parent. She felt thrilled and lucky that Dani seemed so content with her confinement, and that she could get so much painting done. Jenny didn’t understand that she was hindering Dani’s development of autonomy, brain development, and muscle control by not givi
ng her more opportunities to explore.

  Positive Discipline methods help children develop a sense of autonomy and brain development, as well as the characteristics and the life skills they will need when they no longer depend on adults. Children, from birth through the preschool years, always need adults around. They also need opportunities to begin learning the attitudes and skills required to eventually make decisions and solve problems on their own.

  PUNISHMENT EQUALS DOUBT AND SHAME

  Punishment is something that a more powerful person does to a less powerful person with the hope of creating a change in behavior. Unfortunately, punishment does not foster a healthy sense of autonomy, and it does not teach life skills. Still, not punishing seems to require a real shift in attitude for many parents. Punishment (spanking and shaming children for doing things that are developmentally appropriate) fosters doubt and shame. Children will experience enough self-imposed doubt and shame as they encounter the real limits of their abilities.

  Real discipline is teaching. Punishment does not teach helpful skills or attitudes. Do not slap hands, spank, or use shaming words, such as “bad girl.” A young child often does not understand the connection between what she did (reach for an electrical cord) and the response (a quick slap). Many parents have had the unsettling experience of reaching for a child with love and having that child cringe away in fear, as if a slap is on the way. This is certainly not the sort of relationship that fosters trust and closeness, and certainly not what most parents would choose.

  Children may experience frustration at not being allowed to play with your smartphone or to turn the dials on the stove. This is what Erikson called the real “crisis” of this stage of development. But adding punishment to the natural crisis is like pouring salt on a wound. The frustration is greatly eased when parents remember to be kind when they are being firm. Children feel the difference.