Positive Discipline- the First Three Years

by Jane Nelsen

  IS THIS REALLY MISBEHAVIOR?

  Parenting a toddler will be much less frustrating when parents respond to the intention behind the behavior. This is often more easily said than done, especially when you’re face-to-face with a two-year-old in a temper. Still, the following concepts may help you work effectively with your child’s development:

  • “Defiance” looks (and feels) much different when you understand that a child is struggling to develop a sense of autonomy. Her perception of a situation is almost certainly different from yours. Does this mean that it’s okay for your two-year-old to shout “No!” in your face? No, but it may mean that you should calm yourself down and think, instead of shouting “No!” back. (Such encounters usually go more smoothly when only one of you is having a tantrum.)

  • It makes sense that a child doesn’t listen to you when you understand that his developmental urges have a “louder voice.” He doesn’t intend to disobey or to forget what you’ve asked; your requests and instructions are simply overwhelmed by his own needs and developmental process. Kind actions, rather than words or punishment, are what is needed.

  • It makes sense to use kindness and firmness, as well as problem-solving skills, to find appropriate solutions (as Jeremy’s parents did) instead of punishment or useless lectures (“How many times do I have to tell you?”) when you understand developmental appropriateness. Kindness shows love and respect for your child’s needs and limitations. Firmness provides structure, teaching, and safety. Focusing on solutions addresses underlying skill development, is consistent with the current understanding of brain development, and is based on maintaining dignity and respect for all.

  Adults may also need a slight attitude adjustment. Parents are often disappointed or angry when their young children don’t live up to their expectations. Two- or three-year-olds are too little to do things perfectly (as Marcus’s parents discovered). It is certainly simpler and faster for you to do things for your child (or without him) instead of taking the time and having the patience to help him do things himself (or, at least, with you). But which is more important: ease, speed, and perfection, or helping children develop confidence, perceptions of capability, and strong life skills? That’s what healthy autonomy is all about.

  Parenting is rarely quick, tidy, or efficient. Too many parents want confident, courageous, cooperative, respectful, resourceful, responsible children, but they don’t understand what children need in order to develop these characteristics. With training, two-year-olds can dress themselves, pour their own cereal and milk (from child-sized containers), and help set the table. They can learn to help out at the grocery store, hand out prayer books at church, or pick up litter at the park. Learning these skills is an important part of developing a sense of autonomy and experiencing positive contribution.

  SKILLS ARE LEARNED, NOT INBORN

  No one is born with the ability to eat with a spoon. There are no genetic codes that enable a child to ease her arms into narrow coat sleeves. Even child prodigies cannot carry a full cup of juice without losing a drop or two. Skills are learned, not inborn. When you understand that all skills require training, you can begin to see your child as a competent learner with unlimited potential, instead of a clumsy little burden.

  One of the most exciting insights of brain research tells us that brain connections strengthen with repetition. This applies directly to skill development. Your child won’t perfect the art of fitting her feet into her shoes on the first try. It requires regular repetition of this act to achieve proficiency. Her brain is linking up new connections while she gains mastery over her wiggly fingers and squirmy toes. Research has taught us that knowledge and experience are inseparably entwined; each increases the other. When you teach your child to master tasks step-by-step and provide lots of opportunities to practice, you will be raising a competent, confident child.

  Understanding Developmental Appropriateness

  These parenting fantasies thrive when parents lack understanding about developmental appropriateness. Do you recognize any of them?

  1. Believing that your child should listen to you and do what you say.

  2. Believing that your toddler should be obedient and understand when you say “no.”

  3. Hoping your child will be “good” because you are tired and don’t want to be bothered.

  The truth is …

  1. Toddlers are often too busy following their own developmental blueprint to stop and do what you say.

  2. “No” is an abstract concept that cannot be understood by toddlers at the advanced level parents think they can understand.

  3. Children are always “good,” but they are not always obedient—especially during the development of autonomy.

  SKILLS VERSUS SPILLS

  The long process of learning skills provides lots of opportunities to spill, drip, and dump. Think of a typical activity, such as pouring morning cereal and milk. Teaching a skill is easiest when you modify the task to help your little one experience success.

  The cereal box is big and unwieldy; so is the milk carton. But you can adjust both so that your child can practice autonomy and learn new skills. Serve milk in a little pitcher or measuring cup, repackage cereal in small containers, and place everything at a convenient height. Demonstrate pouring the cereal, then add the milk. At first, let your child hold her hands on yours (to get a feel for the task), then rest yours lightly on top of hers as she repeats the movements. Finally, stay nearby and encourage her efforts. Celebrate as your child gradually masters these new skills.

  Five Ways to Provide Skill Training for Your Child

  1. Plan ahead—or expect resistance ahead.

  2. Involve children in the planning process.

  3. Offer limited choices.

  4. Ask curiosity questions to encourage thinking.

  5. Follow through with dignity and respect.

  GOING PUBLIC

  With time for training, children can learn to behave in those famous child development laboratories: public places. Taking time for training can involve many strategies. Consider the following tools to help your child learn to behave in public places.

  Plan Ahead—or Expect Resistance Ahead

  Young children live in the present moment. And, like many adults, they often find transitions and changes difficult to deal with. A shift from playing with blocks in the living room to rolling along in a grocery basket takes considerable adjustment, and some children find it easier than others do.

  When moving from one activity or location to another, planning ahead is critical. Your young explorer may want to climb under the clothing racks, sneak a peek at the world from the top of the beauty salon chair, or mount an expedition to discover what lies around the corner—any corner. Do your best to think through any potential problems and plan for them before taking your toddler out in public. Be sure to carry along small toys and snacks to provide entertainment and nourishment, too.

  Involve Children in the Planning Process

  You might set the stage something like this: “We are going to eat with Aunt Annie and Cousin Jamie at the restaurant. Before we get there, what will you do in the car?” (If a child is preverbal, use simple language to describe the event. If she is verbal, allow her to supply the answers as the planning proceeds.) Mention the car seat, buckling in, and playing with toys en route. You can explore the coming occasion with your child using simple questions and descriptions.

  Invite your child to picture the setting or describe it for her: sitting in the chair, drawing with special crayons, and eating her lunch. What will she be allowed to order? Must she eat things she doesn’t like? Bit by bit, the picture grows. Use simple, clear language to explain your expectations—and keep them realistic.

  It is more effective to ask a child questions (inviting her to think for herself) than it is to tell her what to do (and invite resistance or power struggles). You might ask, with genuine curiosity, “When we go out to eat, is it okay to throw your food? What about
running around the restaurant? Can you grab the sugar container?” If she thinks these behaviors are acceptable, you can take the opportunity to teach her about behavior in public places. Focus more on do’s and/or choices than on don’ts. “Food is for eating.” “Do you want to sit quietly at the table with everyone and eat your lunch, or go sit in the car with me for a while?” Inconvenient? Yes. Good training? Yes. Kindness and firmness at the same time help children understand that you mean what you say and will follow through with action. (Remember, “Let’s Pretend” is often a painless, enjoyable way to establish limits and expectations.)

  Be sure your plans account for your child’s individual temperament as well as the social situation. How long can she sit still during a meal? What activities are available? Will there be time to play with her cousins? Perhaps this outing would be better held at a pizza joint than at an elegant restaurant. Remember, plan for success and realize that your little one will need more than one practice session before she masters these skills.

  Offer Limited Choices

  Choices can support a child’s growing sense of autonomy, but they must be appropriate and clearly defined, and all of the choices must be choices you can live with. For example, the following choices might cause problems:

  • “Would you like to go to childcare today?” (This is the adult’s responsibility and often isn’t a choice but a necessity.)

  • “What would you like to do today?” (The child needs some hints here. Are we talking coloring, baking cookies, watching television all day, or taking a trip to Disneyland?)

  • “You may pick out any toy you want; you get to choose.” (Does this include the $200 motorized kiddie-car or a toy machine gun? Be sure you can keep the promises you make. It is usually wise to think carefully before speaking.)

  Ask Curiosity Questions to Encourage Thinking

  Children do not develop a strong sense of autonomy when parents and teachers spend too much time talking—telling children what happened, what caused it to happen, how they should feel about it, and what they should do about it. “Telling” may keep children from seeing mistakes as opportunities to learn, or may send the discouraging message that children aren’t living up to adult expectations. Lecturing often goes over children’s heads because they’re not ready to understand the concepts adults are trying to establish—and they usually discover they can simply tune adults out (unintentional training in the art of not listening).

  Last but not least: Telling children what, how, and why teaches them what to think, not how to think. Parents are often disappointed when their children don’t develop more self-control, but they may not realize they are not using parenting skills that encourage self-control. If you take responsibility for your child’s actions, he will never learn to take responsibility for himself.

  A powerful way to help children develop thinking skills, judgment skills, problem-solving skills, and autonomy is to ask them, “What happened? What were you trying to do? Why do you think this happened? How do you feel about it? How could you fix it? What else could you do if you don’t want this to happen again?” (Remember, these skills depend on language—and language takes time to learn. You can and should talk with your child about these ideas, but her response will be limited for a while.)

  When children are younger, they need more clues as part of the curiosity questions. For example, if a two-year-old gets stuck on her tricycle, she will be encouraged to think for herself if you ask, “What do you think would happen if you got off and backed up?” This is different from telling her to get off and back up. Even a question that contains clues invites thought and a decision.

  Follow Through with Dignity and Respect

  Again, we want to stress that permissiveness is not the way to help children develop autonomy. One of the most important aspects of teaching your child is your willingness to follow through with both kindness and firmness.

  What might follow-through look like in the restaurant meal described earlier? Mom might explain in advance that if her daughter has trouble remembering how to behave in the restaurant, they will have to leave. Kind and firm follow-through means that if she misbehaves, Mom will take her out to wait in the car together while the others in the group finish their meal. It is not respectful (or helpful) to scold or spank while removing her. A parent can either say nothing or say firmly (but kindly), “I’m sorry you didn’t feel like sitting quietly in the restaurant today. You can try again next time.”

  “Out of Control”

  Q: My two-and-a-half-year-old son is out of control! He won’t respond to the words “Wait, please!” If I don’t jump at his every command, he throws a fit or goes on like a broken record, repeating over and over again what he wants. Lately he has been so defiant when we go out in public. He will kick, hit me, and scream at the top of his lungs to get what he wants. Last time it was because I told him we had to leave the jungle gym at the park. He didn’t want to leave, and made such a scene that everyone was watching. What do I do in this situation? I don’t believe in hitting him, yet I don’t appreciate being hit and humiliated like this, either.

  A: Some people would call your toddler “spirited”; others might label him “strong-willed.” Whatever you call him (and it is best to avoid labels), trying to control him will never work. There are three ways you can increase cooperation:

  1. Your child does not understand “Wait, please!” in the way you think he does. This is an abstract concept that is in direct opposition to his developmental need to explore his world and his growing sense of autonomy. He should not be allowed to do anything he wants, however. Say “Wait, please” and stop occasionally when you go for a casual walk together. Do this playfully to help him experience this concept. He may still have trouble stopping immediately, but practice will make it easier for him to understand and cooperate with you more often.

  2. Instead of telling him what to do, find ways to involve him in the decision so he gets a sense of appropriate personal power and autonomy. For example:

  a. Give him some warning. “We need to leave in a minute. What is the last crayon color you want to use today?”

  b. Use a timer to provide a cue. Carry a small timer around with you. (Young children love inexpensive timers shaped like chickens and apples, and enjoy carrying them.) Let him help you set it to one or two minutes. Ask him what it means when the timer goes off. Agree when he says “time to leave” and do so.

  c. Give him a choice that requires his help. “Do you want to carry your book to the car, or do you want to carry my keys? You decide.”

  d. Help him visualize the next activity. “What is the first thing we should do when we get home?”

  3. If these don’t work, you may need to take him by the hand and lead him to the car. Every time he resists, stop pulling, stand still, and let him tug your hand until he stops resisting. Then move toward the car again, letting your arm go slack every time he resists. If he tries to wiggle his hand free, hold it gently but firmly, continuing to give slack. This may seem like a seesaw, but when he catches on that you are going to be both kind and firm, he will probably go with you. If not, you may need to pick him up and carry him to the car while ignoring his kicks and screams (and the looks other adults give you). The key is to avoid the “emotional hook” (that feeling parents get that they have to “win,” enforce their will, or impress onlookers). Do what is required to complete the task rather than demanding total compliance.

  Giving a child the chance to try again is reasonable and encouraging. It is not reasonable to say, “I’m never taking you out to eat again—or anywhere else, for that matter!” Not only is this statement unreasonable, but who really wants to follow through on such threats? This does not demonstrate kindness or firmness, nor does it inspire trust.

  Yes, it is inconvenient for you to miss your meal while using kind and firm follow-through; and yes, your child may not like it. But you also have a choice. Which is more important, a restaurant meal or the self-esteem and conf
idence your child will develop by learning appropriate social skills? Action is far more effective than words with young children. When you follow through with kindness and firmness, your child will learn that you say what you mean and that you will do what you say—important elements of trust and respect.

  SUPERVISION

  It bears repeating that safety is one of the most important considerations during the first years of life. Your job is to keep your child safe without letting your fears discourage her. For this reason, supervision is an important parenting tool for little ones, along with the usual kindness and firmness, while guiding and teaching your child. Children do not “learn” from nagging and lectures; they learn from teaching and respectful, firm actions. Save your breath and supervise.

  DISTRACTION AND REDIRECTION

  Redirection and distraction are among the most simple—and useful—parenting tools for living with toddlers.

  Thirteen-month-old Ellen was crawling rapidly toward the dog’s dish—one of her favorite “toys”—when her dad spotted her. He called out her name firmly. Ellen paused and looked back over her shoulder. Her dad gathered her up and carried her across the room to where her barnyard set was waiting.