Positive Discipline- the First Three Years

by Jane Nelsen

  “Here, sweetie,” he said with a hug. “See what the pigs and cows are up to.”

  If Ellen chooses to head for the dog’s dish again, her dad can intercept her and direct her toward a more acceptable object—again. Acting without lecturing or shaming avoids a power struggle and lets Ellen learn by experience that Dad won’t let her play with the dish.

  What if Ellen keeps returning to the forbidden dish? How many times must a parent redirect a child’s attention? Well, as many times as it takes—and that is often more than parents like. (Of course, Dad can also move the dish to the laundry room where the dog can get to it but Ellen cannot.) Kindly but firmly directing Ellen toward acceptable objects, and continuing to do so until she gets the message, allows you to respond to her behavior in ways that do not punish, shame, or invite a battle of wills.

  After her parenting class on developmental appropriateness, Lisa reported to her classmates, “I sure do have a happier home since I stopped yelling at Justin. The things he does that used to make me angry are now fascinating to me. I think he’ll get an A in autonomy. I will also get an A in kind and firm distraction because I’m getting lots of practice!”

  WHEN NOTHING SEEMS TO WORK

  We have heard parents cry out in frustration, “I have tried all of these suggestions and nothing works!” Sometimes our advice can sound patronizing, especially when we say “Avoid the emotional hook.” Each of us can tell you that she was hooked by a child more than once.

  It may not sound helpful, but sometimes you need to feel your frustration and allow yourself to have a tantrum. You can have your feelings without feeling guilty, just as we suggest you let your child experience his feelings. Hopefully, you can also find a friend with a shoulder to cry on.

  Do your best to remember that who your child is today is not who he will be forever. In Chapter 21, we share suggestions on the importance of self-care; sometimes taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do while you wait out the frustration. Meanwhile, we will keep encouraging you to have faith in your child and in yourself.

  QUESTIONS TO PONDER

  1. List two things you and your child struggle over repeatedly. How could you change the environment to reduce or eliminate these hassles?

  2. What could you do to distract your child from forbidden items while acting in a kind and firm way, instead of continuing to repeat these struggles?

  3. What emerging skills are implied in these power struggles? Are they within your child’s developmental capabilities? Are they skills that will benefit your child as she grows? Is there a way you could allow your child to practice these skills in a positive, productive way?

  4. Keep a list of things you can do to help you survive those times of complete frustration.

  10

  TEMPERAMENT

  What Makes Your Child Unique?

  Most parents cherish a fantasy about having “the perfect baby” or “the perfect child.” The conventional description of this ideal baby is one who doesn’t cry or fuss often; who sleeps peacefully through the night, takes long naps, eats her food without spitting it out (or up); and who can happily entertain herself, gurgling and cooing angelically at her crib mobile. “Oh,” we say when confronted with one of these enviable specimens, “what a good baby.” Does this mean that babies who don’t fit this description are “bad”?

  THE MYTH OF THE PERFECT CHILD

  Of course, there is no such thing as a “bad” baby or child, even though most don’t fit the fantasy description. Babies are born with different, unique personalities, as any parent with more than one child knows. In fact, we worry about the “fantasy child.” As she grows up, this child may not feel secure enough to test the status quo and find out who she is when apart from her parents and teachers; she may be afraid to make mistakes or risk disapproval. Still, some babies do fit the fantasy description, feel secure, and aren’t afraid to make mistakes. They are called “easy” children.

  Each child is born with a unique style of processing sensory information and responding to the world around her. Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas investigated the miracle of personality in their longitudinal study of the nine aspects of temperament they identified in children. These temperaments—the qualities and characteristics that contribute to individual personalities—describe a child’s “personal style.” Researchers believe that many temperament traits are inborn, part of each child’s “wiring.” However, the way parents interact with their babies and toddlers appears to have a strong effect on how these inborn tendencies actually develop. It’s a complex process, one that we don’t yet fully understand.1

  While attitudes, behavior, and decisions may change with time and experience, temperament appears to be part of us for life. No temperaments are good or bad, right or wrong—they are just different. Understanding your child’s unique temperament will help you work with her to learn, to grow, and to thrive.

  THE STUDY OF TEMPERAMENT

  Scientific investigation of temperament theory began in the late 1960s, and continued into the ’70s, with a longitudinal study of two basic temperaments, active and passive. This study revealed that these temperaments were lifelong characteristics; in other words, passive infants tended to become passive adults, while active infants tended to become active adults.

  Chess and Thomas expanded the temperament theory significantly, even though their nine temperaments all fit under the general headings of active and passive. In the years since Chess and Thomas began their work, additional researchers, such as Jerome Kagan and Mary Rothbart, have devoted time and study to temperament, developing additional techniques to measure inborn traits in infants and toddlers. There are now numerous ways to describe and measure temperament; we have chosen to include the original nine temperaments of Chess and Thomas because they are easily understood by parents and caregivers, and easily observed in children.

  When parents truly understand temperament, they can respond to children in ways that encourage development and growth. With understanding and acceptance, parents are equipped to help children reach their full potential, rather than trying to mold them into fantasy children. Knowing your child’s unique temperament (and, perhaps, your own) will enable you to teach and connect with her more effectively. Keep in mind, however, that your child’s temperament will have many variations, and that your expectations may turn into self-fulfilling prophecies. Use the following information to increase your own understanding and to build a stronger connection with your child—not to predict behavior.

  THE NINE TEMPERAMENTS OF CHESS AND THOMAS

  The nine temperaments are activity level, rhythmicity, initial response (approach or withdrawal), adaptability, sensory threshold, quality of mood, intensity of reactions, distractibility, and persistence and attention span. (Some of these temperaments overlap a bit, so don’t worry about trying to measure them precisely.) All children possess varying degrees of each characteristic. The following sections will describe what each temperament looks like in real life. (You may want to think about children you know as we examine these aspects of temperament.)

  1. other childre

  “Activity level” refers to the level of motor activity and the proportion of active and inactive periods. For instance, an infant with high activity might kick and splash so much in his bath that the floor needs a good mopping afterward, while a low-activity infant may smile happily while enjoying the sensations of his bathwater. Activity level will influence a parent’s interactions with a child. For instance, parents of active children will often have to be more active and alert themselves.

  Barry’s mom lay next to her six-month-old on a beach blanket, pleading for his cooperation. “Could you just stay still for a few minutes?” she asked, as more sand from a vigorously kicking foot sprayed her face.

  Two years later, Barry’s brother, Jackson, arrived and Mom found herself tiptoeing into the nursery at regular intervals. She would place her finger next to baby Jackson’s nose to reassure herself that
he was still breathing. After raising Barry, she could not quite believe that a baby would sleep for such long stretches of time. Barry and Jackson were her introduction to the differences in temperament.

  If your little one has a high activity level, you will want to provide lots of opportunities for safe exploration and play. (Be sure to childproof your home first!) He may need some active play before settling down to focus on a task. A less active infant or toddler may need to be invited to go exploring; you can use bright toys, interesting noises, and smiles to gently encourage him to interact with his world. When making plans, taking activity level into account will help you prevent problems and provide appropriate movement for your child’s needs.

  2. Rhythmicity

  “Rhythmicity” refers to the predictability (or unpredictability) of biological functions, such as hunger, sleeping, and bowel movements. One infant might have one bowel movement daily, immediately after breakfast, while another infant’s schedule seems different each day. One child might eat her biggest meal at lunch, while another child prefers dinner—or a different meal each day!

  Carla was so proud: she thought her little Jackie was toilet trained by the time he was two years old. She put him on his toilet chair several times a day, and he obligingly produced a bowel movement each morning and urinated on each succeeding visit. But Jackie wasn’t toilet trained—his mom was trained. Jackie was so regular that when his mom remembered to put him on his chair, he performed. When she got busy and forgot, she was rewarded with a poopy mess to clean up.

  If your little one expects meals or naps at predictable times each day, you will be tempting fate if you disregard his schedule. Taking your child’s rhythmicity into account will ensure you have the food (or the potty chair) available when needed.

  3. Initial Response (Approach or Withdrawal)

  This temperament describes the way a child reacts to a new situation or stimulus, such as a new food, toy, person, or place. Approach responses are often displayed by mood expression (gurgling, smiling) or motor activity (swallowing a new food, reaching for a new toy). Withdrawal responses look more negative and are expressed by mood (crying, fussing) or motor activity (spitting food out, pushing a new toy away). Learning to parent your unique child means recognizing these cues and responding in encouraging, nurturing ways.

  Some babies are open to just about any new experience—new foods, new people—while others are more reluctant.

  Ted traveled several weeks each month as part of his job. When he returned home and attempted to pick up Isabelle, his new daughter, she would stiffen, resist, and begin crying. Ted felt devastated. He adored his baby girl. When he learned about temperament, he recognized that his daughter reacted to changes of any kind with initial alarm. He began to take a gentler, more gradual approach after his prolonged absences. While his partner held Isabelle, Ted tickled the baby’s feet, stroked her arms, and talked softly to her. Though Isabelle was still slow to warm up, this method allowed her more time to adjust. In the meantime, Ted no longer felt rejected and could be sympathetic to his daughter’s needs.

  If your child welcomes new experiences, celebrate: It will undoubtedly make life together easier. If your little one takes longer to adjust, however, you can look for small steps to help him adjust to change and new situations without taking his reactions personally.

  4. Adaptability

  Adaptability overlaps with approach and withdrawal, and describes how a child reacts to a new situation over time—her ability to adjust and change. Some children initially spit out a new food but accept it after a few trial tastes. Others accept a new food, a new article of clothing, or a new preschool far more slowly, if at all.

  When Jenna’s baby son arrived, his older sister and brother were already in grade school and involved in a whirl of sports, music lessons, and other activities. Because of their busy schedules, the baby was rarely at home for a regular naptime. But that posed no problem. This baby was a highly adaptable child, perfectly content to curl up and sleep wherever he happened to be at the time, whether at a basketball game or in the grocery cart.

  Meanwhile, Jenna’s neighbor, Kate, often found herself looking for rides for her eight-year-old son when his activities occurred during her baby’s naptime. If they weren’t home at the proper time, baby Ana fell apart, crying, whining, and fussing. Ana wouldn’t fall asleep anywhere except in her own bed. She would stay awake well past midnight if her family happened to be away from home. Ana had low adaptability, and all the family members suffered when they didn’t take her temperament into account.

  It is tempting to try to force your child to adapt to your busy schedule—after all, most parents have far more to do than there are hours in the day. But wise parents learn to craft their schedules with their child’s adaptability in mind. It may take two days instead of one to get all your errands done, but isn’t it more important (and far more pleasant) to have a calm, cheerful child both days?

  5. Sensory Threshold

  Some children wake up every time a door opens, no matter how softly, while others can sleep through a carnival. The level of sensitivity to sensory input (touch, taste, vision, smell, and hearing) varies from one child to the next and affects how they behave and view the world.

  When Mallory was eight months old, her grandmother took her outside to play. The day was warm, the new lawn springy and soft. But the moment Mallory’s knees touched the grass, her bottom popped into the air. She balanced herself with her hands and feet clutching the ground, avoiding contact between her bare knees and the tickly grass.

  That same afternoon, Mallory’s cousin, Nellie, arrived for a visit. Nellie’s mother plopped her down on the grass, and Nellie crawled off, not even slowing down when she crossed a gravel pathway. Nellie’s high sensory threshold allowed her to be an intrepid explorer, while Mallory’s response to new textures and experiences produced more caution.

  Time and experience will teach you about your own child’s sensitivity to physical sensation and stimulation. Does your child like noise and music or does he become fussy? Is he mesmerized by bright, flashing lights, or does he turn his face away? Does he gulp down new foods or only nibble at them (or spit them out entirely)? Does he like to be touched and hugged, or does he wriggle away from too much contact?

  If your child is more sensitive to stimulation, you will need to go slowly when introducing new toys, new experiences, and new people. Soft light and quiet will help him calm down, and he may become nervous or irritable in noisy, crowded places (such as birthday parties, amusement parks, or busy malls). A less sensitive child may be more willing to try new experiences. Provide him with lots of opportunities to explore and experiment.

  A child with a low sensory threshold may need a few moments alone to cry and release the tensions built up during a busy afternoon before settling down to fall asleep. It is respectful to provide this child with a quiet environment with books, stuffed animals, or soft music. It would not be appropriate to continue cooing to, cuddling, and generally overstimulating this little one. His sister, with her different sensory threshold, may thrive on lullabies, peekaboo games, and noisy family members careening through the halls.

  Sensory Processing Disorder

  Some children are deeply influenced by sensory input; in fact, in some cases, a child’s brain may have difficulty making sense of visual, auditory, or other sensory information. One child may find his socks “painful” or his shirt “too tight,” while another child does not respond strongly to any stimulation. Some children may rock, spin, or bang their heads in an effort to generate sensory input, and find these startling actions comforting. Any of these children may have “sensory processing disorder” (sometimes known as “sensory integration dysfunction”) and can benefit from a variety of therapies that will help them make sense of sensory information and feel more comfortable.

  If you suspect that your child reacts differently to sensory input than other children the same age, it may be wise to ask your pedi
atrician for an evaluation. (For more information, visit www.spdfoundation.net.)

  6. Quality of Mood

  Have you ever noticed that some children (and adults) react to life with pleasure and acceptance while others can find fault with everything and everybody? One baby might favor her family with smiles and coos, while another feels compelled to cry a bit, just “because.”

  Baby Brent smiled happily when his mom tickled his toes. When he was a toddler, his grin would melt her heart—and he grinned in response to just about every interaction. Then baby Craig was born. Instead of smiling when she tickled his toes, Craig would cry. He didn’t seem to think anything was funny, and appeared to be in a sour mood most of the time. As an adult Craig still smiles rarely, yet he is a loving father and son. Brent, as an adult, is also a loving father and he still loves to laugh.

  Parents of less-sunny little ones can take heart. Those tiny scowls are not in response to you or your parenting skills. Be sensitive to his mood, but take time to stroke your sober little fellow, massage his round cheeks, and share your own sunshine with him. As he grows, help him to see the world for the lovely place it is.

  If your baby beams a happy face to the world, enjoy the gift her temperament brings to your life. Don’t rain on her parade. Take a moment to savor the day through her rosy outlook.

  7. Intensity of Reactions (overlaps with Quality of Mood)

  Children often respond to events around them in different ways. Some smile quietly or merely take a look, then go back to what they were doing; others react with action and emotion. Some children wear their hearts on their little sleeves; they giggle and shriek with laughter when happy and throw impressive tantrums when angry. Some barely react to outside events, and may need your encouragement to get involved in play or other interaction.