Positive Discipline- the First Three Years

by Jane Nelsen

  At playgroup, Maya’s hair was pulled by an inquisitive classmate. The teacher panicked, sure from the way Maya howled that she required a trip to the emergency room. When the same miscreant pulled Juan’s hair, Juan hardly looked up from his blocks, swatting the other child’s hand away as though it were no more than a gnat alighting nearby.

  Maya’s mom has learned to sit quietly, waiting until Maya’s initial reaction subsides to evaluate the seriousness of the situation. Juan’s mother becomes truly alarmed when he cries loudly, knowing how much it takes to elicit such a response. Both children and parents have learned to interact differently based on the intensity of each child’s reactions.

  As you get to know your child’s unique temperament, you will be able to shape his environment in a way that allows him to feel safe, connected, and curious.

  8. Distractibility

  “If I sit my toddler down with a box of blocks, he won’t notice anything else in the room,” says one father. “Well,” says a mother, “if someone walks by while my baby is nursing, she not only looks but stops sucking until the person is gone.” They may not realize it, but these parents are actually talking about their children’s “distractibility,” the way in which an outside stimulus interferes with a child’s present behavior and his willingness (or unwillingness) to be diverted.

  Joe heads for the video game console every time he enters the family room. His sitter picks him up, carries him to his toy box, and sometimes even succeeds in distracting him for a moment or two. But minutes later, he sets his course for the game console with an accuracy any pilot would admire. Joe’s ability to remain single-minded and focused may be a great strength someday; for now, his weary sitter must make yet another trip to remove his fingers from the console’s buttons (or figure out a way to make it inaccessible to Joe’s persistent advances).

  Ben picks up his dad’s smartphone, bringing it to his open mouth for a taste. Dad intercepts the phone, tickling Ben and substituting a piece of toast. Ben gurgles, hardly noticing that the object clutched in his hand has changed. Ben’s distractibility makes him an easy child to watch, while Joe’s sitter is working up the courage to ask for an increase in pay.

  Distraction and redirection are great tools to use with a toddler—if that toddler is easily distracted and redirected. Rather than becoming frustrated about your child’s distractibility (or lack thereof), look for ways to make her environment safe and easy to explore, focus on solutions to the problems you encounter, and recognize and accept her inherent temperament.

  9. Persistence and Attention Span (overlaps with Distractibility)

  “Persistence” refers to a child’s willingness to pursue an activity in the face of obstacles or difficulties; “attention span” describes the length of time he will pursue an activity without interruption. The two characteristics are usually related. A toddler who is content to tear up an old magazine for half an hour at a time has a fairly long attention span, while another who plays with ten different toys in ten minutes or less has a short one. Again, no combination is necessarily better than another; they’re simply different and present different challenges in parenting and teaching.

  Baby Edith has spent the past half hour sitting in her high chair, lining up rows of Cheerios. Sometimes she finds one big enough to fit onto her finger. Her twin sister, Emma, did not even make it through breakfast before her cereal, bowl, and cup hit the floor. Emma dismantled the pot-and-pan cupboard, explored the heating vent, and had to be retrieved from a foray into the bathroom—all while Edith patiently arranged her Cheerios. Emma might become a brilliant sportscaster, her dexterity enabling her to keep up with rapidly changing game configurations and split-second moves. Edith could have a future as a researcher, where an attention span that extends for long periods would be a valuable asset when monitoring trays of petri dishes. It is important to understand that both girls’ temperaments can be strengths in the right situation. Wise parents and caregivers will help Emma and Edith maximize the potential of their inborn temperaments by providing teaching, nurturing—and lots of supervision.

  If your child is less patient and persistent, there are ways you can help her get along in a sometimes frustrating world. When you must wait quietly at a doctor’s office, be sure you bring something to engage her attention. Break challenging tasks into small, achievable steps. When she gets frustrated, let her know that you understand her feelings. And be sure to nudge that persistent, less distractible little one to try new things. When you can, give her time to satisfy her curiosity without rushing her.

  Development? Or Disorder?

  Q: My son is three years old. He is incredibly active; he won’t take a nap, hates to sit and look at a book, and is always in motion. I try to keep him occupied, but he goes through every toy in his toy box in about five minutes. My sister says he probably has attention deficit disorder because he’s “hyper” and has such a short attention span; she says I should put him on medication. What should I do?

  A: At this age, your son’s behavior is more likely to be due to his inborn temperament and developmental abilities than it is to a disorder like ADD or ADHD. Your son seems to have a high activity level, less persistence, and a short attention span. While this certainly creates challenges for you as his parent, you will help him best by accepting his temperament and finding ways to create structure and routine, to use kind, firm teaching, and to keep him active and engaged. ADHD cannot be diagnosed reliably until a child is at least six years of age. Many of the Positive Discipline tools will help your active child cope with home and classroom responsibilities, whether he has ADHD or not.

  “GOODNESS OF FIT”

  Chess and Thomas (and other researchers) emphasize the importance of “goodness of fit”—finding the balance between a child’s needs and those of the people she lives with or who care for her. It will be less frustrating for both of you (and easier to work toward “goodness of fit”) when you understand your child’s temperament. Children experience enough stress in life as they struggle for competency and belonging. It does not help to compound that stress by expecting a child to be someone she is not.

  Understanding a child’s temperament doesn’t mean shrugging your shoulders and saying, “Oh well, that’s just the way this child is.” It is an invitation to help a child develop acceptable behavior and skills through patience, encouragement, and kind, firm teaching, while keeping the unique needs of her temperament in mind. For instance, a child with a short attention span will still need to learn to accept some structure. Offering limited choices is one way to be respectful of the child’s needs, and of the “needs of the situation” (behavior appropriate for the present environment).

  In the same way, it is important to understand your own “personal style” and to recognize that no matter how much you love your child, your temperament and hers may not mesh easily. Working out a match between your temperament and needs and your child’s is critical to goodness of fit. If your child has an irregular sleep pattern and you can hardly keep your eyes open after ten at night, you have a poor fit. An understanding of temperament can help you adjust and create a better fit. The key is to find balance. Your baby might not sleep through the night due to her temperament, but she can learn to entertain herself when she wakes up. You may need to learn to stagger over and offer a gentle stroke or pat on the back, whisper a few loving words, then allow her to get back to sleep on her own.

  The first step is to determine what will work for all family members, with no one’s needs being ignored. (This includes your needs. It is not in a child’s best interest to have an exhausted, crabby parent.) Yelling at, threatening, or totally ignoring a wakeful child is also not helpful.

  A child with low distractibility will need patient preparation to switch from one activity to another. Planning ahead becomes a vital tool to smooth the way for transitions. A low-regularity parent living with a high-regularity toddler must learn to plan meals at predictable intervals, develop routines for dail
y activities, and establish a more defined rhythm for her day. Her child must learn to cope with occasional revised plans, survive on a cracker or two when a meal is delayed, and develop personal flexibility.

  The good news is that parents and children can adapt to each other. Our brains are designed to respond and adapt to the world around us; and patience, sensitivity, and love can help all of us learn to live peacefully together. Finding balance takes time and practice, but learning to accept and work with the individual, special temperament of your child will benefit you both as the years go by.

  Positive Discipline skills are appropriate for children of all temperaments, because they are respectful and invite children to learn cooperation, responsibility, and life skills. An understanding of temperament will also help you understand why different methods may be more or less effective, depending on the temperament and needs of your child.

  INDIVIDUALITY AND CREATIVITY

  Parents and caregivers may not be aware of how they squelch individuality and creativity when they (often subconsciously) buy in to the myth of the perfect child. It is tempting for adults to prefer the “easy” child, or to want children to conform to the norms of society. Egos often get involved. You may worry about what others think, and fear that your competency may be questioned if your children aren’t “good” in the eyes of others.

  One of the primary motivators for the studies of Chess and Thomas was their desire to stop society’s tendency to blame mothers for the characteristics of their children. Chess and Thomas state, “A child’s temperament can actively influence the attitudes and behavior of her parents, other family members, playmates, and teachers, and in turn help to shape their effect on her behavioral development.” In this way, the relationship between child and parents is a two-way street, each continuously influencing the other.

  What if the mother whose twins behaved so differently had been two different mothers? It would have been easy to decide that quiet, focused Edith’s mother was very effective, while active, busy Emma’s mother “just couldn’t control that child!” It may be wise to ask yourself occasionally, “Are you looking for blame, or are you looking for solutions?” It is not reasonable or respectful (nor is it effective) to blame your child for behavior caused by her temperament. The more you know about temperament and effective parenting skills, the better you will be at finding solutions that help your child develop into a capable individual, despite her differences and uniqueness.

  WORK FOR IMPROVEMENT, NOT PERFECTION

  Even with understanding and the best intentions, most parents struggle occasionally with their child’s temperament and behavior. You may lack patience yourself, or get hooked into reacting to behavior instead of acting thoughtfully. Awareness and understanding do not mean we become perfect; mistakes are inevitable. However, once you have had time to cool off after a mistake, you need to apologize and then resolve it with your child. He’s usually more than willing to hug and offer forgiveness, especially when he knows you’ll do the same for him. It is important to help your child work for improvement, not perfection. You can give this gift to yourself as well.

  KINDNESS AND FIRMNESS

  Rudolf Dreikurs continually made a plea for parents and caregivers to use kindness and firmness with children. (You may have noticed that we mention it frequently, too!) An understanding of temperament underscores its importance. Kindness shows respect for the child and his uniqueness. Firmness shows respect for the needs of the situation, including a child’s developing need to learn social skills. By understanding and respecting your child’s temperament, you will be able to help him reach his full potential as a capable, confident, contented person. And there’s a bonus: you will probably get a lot more rest, laugh more, and learn a great deal about yourself and your child in the process.

  QUESTIONS TO PONDER

  1. Following are the nine aspects of temperament. On each line, put a dot in the place that best represents your child’s temperament. Then, with a different-color ink, put a dot on each line to represent your own temperament. How well does your temperament match that of your child? How might that affect your interactions? You can also place dots to represent your partner or other children.

  1. Activity Level

  High activity ————————————————————— Low activity

  2. Rhythmicity (predictability of physical functions)

  Predictable ————————————————————— Unpredictable

  3. Initial Response (reaction to something new)

  Approach —————————————————————— Withdrawal

  4. Adaptability (ability to adjust to change over time)

  Adapts quickly ——————————————————— Adapts slowly

  5. Sensory Threshold (sensitivity to sensory stimulation)

  Very sensitive ———————————————————— Less sensitive

  6. Quality of Mood

  Optimistic —————————————————————— Pessimistic

  7. Intensity of Reactions (response to events)

  Intense reactions —————————————————— Mild reactions

  8. Distractibility (willingness of a child to be distracted)

  Highly focused —————————————————— Easily distracted

  9. Persistence and Attention Span (ability to stay focused on an activity for a length of time)

  Persistent/long attention span —————————————————— Gives up/short span

  2. What ideas does understanding your child’s temperament give you about setting up helpful routines? About helping your child adjust to change? About solving problems in your home?

  3. If your temperament is not a good “fit” with that of your child, how can you take care of yourself so you can remain as patient and flexible as possible? (Remember, caring for yourself is an important part of caring for your child.) What modifications might improve the goodness of fit between different temperaments?

  4. Journal about changes you might make in your daily routine that will help you and your child function better, individually and with others. Choose one or two small steps to try this week.

  1 For more information, we recommend Know Your Child (New York: Basic Books, 1987) and other related works by Chess and Thomas.

  SECTION THREE

  YOUR CHILD’S WORLD

  11

  THE ART OF ENCOURAGEMENT

  Nurturing Self-Worth, Confidence, and Resilience in Your Child

  Rudolf Dreikers once said, “Never do anything for a child that the child can do for himself.” Children develop a healthy sense of self-confidence and a belief in their own capability through experience and practice. It is developmentally appropriate to meet the needs of a crying infant by comforting and soothing him, but a frustrated toddler (or older child) will develop strong skills when you help him learn to help himself instead of doing too much for him.

  Glenda gives Casey a glass of milk with his lunch. He looks at the glass and scowls. “Don’t want this glass,” he announces.

  Glenda sighs in exasperation; then she recognizes an opportunity to teach her small son. “If you want another glass,” she says gently, “what do you need to be able to get it?”

  Casey isn’t particularly interested in learning at the moment. “Can’t reach it,” he whines.

  Glenda says, “Hmm. How could we solve this problem?”

  This new prospect captures Casey’s imagination. He stops whining and thinks about it. “Climb and reach it?” he asks.

  “That might be unsafe,” Glenda says. “What about putting the glasses on this lower shelf?”

  “Yes!” says Casey, with a big smile on his face. Within a few minutes they rearrange the low shelf with three glasses that Casey helps to choose. He selects one, carries it to the table, and, with obvious pride,
pours his milk from the old glass into the new one (creating several puddles in the process).

  Instead of becoming annoyed, Glenda recognizes another opportunity for teaching. After Casey enjoys a few sips of his milk, she says, “I notice a few spills. What do you need to do now to clean up the milk that spilled?”

  By now, Casey is feeling very capable. He jumps up from the table, gets a sponge from under the sink, and wipes up the spilled milk. He leaves the sponge on the table.

  Now Glenda checks Casey’s engagement with the process. It’s possible that a lesson about sponges would be better left for another time, but Casey seems happy and interested today. So Glenda asks, “Do you know what happens to a sponge when we leave milk in it?”

  Casey looks closely at the sponge but doesn’t see anything happening. He is curious. “What?” he asks his mom.

  Glenda explains, “The milk turns sour and makes the sponge stinky.” Now there’s a word Casey likes! Glenda has his full attention.“We need to rinse out the sponge in the sink really well before putting it back under the sink. Would you like to practice rinsing the sponge?”

  Casey never turns down an opportunity to play with water. Glenda shows him how to squeeze the sponge by twisting it, and Casey happily spends the next fifteen minutes standing on his small stool and rinsing the sponge.

  Time-consuming? Yes! Is it worth it? Absolutely. Casey has learned that his needs and desires are valid and that he is capable of taking care of them himself. It takes more than kind words to build self-worth; it takes “competency experiences,” moments when you and your child accept a challenge—and succeed. Casey’s mother took the time to teach him the skills he needed to feel capable rather than arguing with him or giving in. She encouraged his sense of competence and had faith in his ability to master the task—with a few puddles. This is kind and firm, developmentally appropriate discipline in action. It is also a demonstration of genuine connection and encouragement.