by Jane Nelsen
Be Patient with Your Child’s Development
Developmental charts are a wonderful way to keep track of the average time span during which children do certain things. The problem is that there are no average children! Each human being is a work of art. Look at the variety we see in appearance alone: skin color, hair color and texture, shape of the nose, color of the eyes, height, weight, shape—each one of us is unique. And physical characteristics are only the beginning of our uniqueness. Temperament, as we have discovered, is as individual as a fingerprint. So is the rate at which we develop and grow.
Children develop—crawl, walk, talk—at their own pace, and many early childhood conflicts stem from parental impatience. Your child will walk and use the toilet when he’s ready; after all, have you ever seen a child crawl off to first grade in diapers? If you have serious concerns about your child’s development, a word with your pediatrician may set your mind at rest and save both you and your child a great deal of discouragement.
Provide Opportunities for Success
Far more powerful than even the most loving and appreciative words are experiences that teach children they are capable, competent people. Begin early to look for your child’s special gifts and talents, his abilities and strengths, the things that make him bubble inside. Then give him chances to try those things.
Provide opportunities, too, for him to help you and to take on the little responsibilities he can handle. Early successes and experiences that say “I can do this!” are powerful builders of self-worth.
Teach Your Child Skills
Real self-worth grows when children have “competency experiences”—that is, when they learn skills and develop confidence in their ability to accomplish a task “all by myself.” Yes, toddlers are young, but you might be surprised at how much your little one can do. Your child can place napkins on the table, rinse lettuce leaves in the sink, and mop up spills with a sponge. She can place slices of cheese on hamburger buns, learn to dress herself, and pour her own juice. Will she do these tasks perfectly? Of course not—which is a good reason for you to have realistic expectations, lots of patience, and the willingness to teach these skills more than once. Still, skills are the foundation of healthy self-worth and self-confidence. When you teach your little one, you help her become a more responsible, self-reliant person.
Be Aware of Self-Fulfilling Prophecies
It is interesting to wonder just how terrible the twos would be if parents weren’t forever reminding each other—and their children—just how terrible they are. Children have an uncanny ability to live up (or down) to their parents’ expectations. If you call your rambunctious toddler a “little monster,” don’t be surprised if he does his best to be what you expect. In the same way, you can build self-confidence in your child by letting him know you love and accept him and believe in his ability to succeed.
Is your child always going to live out your predictions and expectations? No, of course not. But remember how powerful your words and opinions are to your child. If you tell your child that he’s bad, or lazy, or stupid, or clumsy, don’t be surprised if you reinforce the very behavior you dislike. By the same token, if you look for what’s positive in your children, you can choose to encourage those positives. One of the most powerful tools a parent has for helping children develop a healthy sense of self-worth is looking for the positive.
When you focus on what is positive, positive behavior increases. Encouragement means noticing progress, not just achievement. It means thanking your small son for picking up most of his cars, even though he missed a few in the corner. It means giving a hug for an attempt on the potty seat, whether or not there was a result. It means smiling with a child who has put on her shoes, even though they’re on the wrong feet. Encouragement says to a child, “I see you trying and I have faith in you. Keep it up!”
Looking for the positive in your child and encouraging it is a skill that will serve you throughout her childhood and adolescence, and it will help her to value herself. (You can use the activity at the end of this chapter to explore this concept further.)
FIRST STEPS
Children take many first steps—and only a few of them involve walking. Your child needs your unqualified support; he needs to know you have faith in him. He needs opportunities to practice new skills and take all his first steps, no matter how wobbly. He needs to know he can make mistakes without risking the loss of your love. When children live in an environment rich with encouragement, are allowed to learn from their mistakes, and experience kind and firm support, they will learn to believe in themselves and to bounce back when they experience frustration or defeat. Self-worth is inherent within each human soul, and, like any young seedling, it needs nurturing, warmth, and encouragement to thrive.
QUESTIONS TO PONDER
1. Take a moment sometime soon to make a list of everything you really like about your child.
2. Hang the list someplace where you can see it (the refrigerator or the bathroom mirror work well) and add to it when you think of something new.
3. Find an opportunity each day to appreciate your child for something on the list. Children often bloom amazingly in the steady light of love and encouragement. (Tip: Place a handful of pennies in one pocket. Every time you notice yourself naming a positive attribute of your child, transfer a penny to the opposite pocket. Aim to empty one pocket and fill the other each day.)
12
PERSPECTIVE AND PLANNING AHEAD
Confidence for You and Your Child
Most parents want their child to develop confidence, self-assurance, and the willingness to cooperate. Encouragement is an important step, but there is more you can do to nurture these important traits in your little one. When you let your child know how to deal with new situations by preparing him for what will happen and teaching him what he needs to know, it not only makes the experience more pleasant for all concerned, it gives him the opportunity to learn valuable skills and beliefs.
Patsy was on her way home from picking up her two-year-old son, Eric, when she decided to stop in at the jewelry shop to get her watch, which had been repaired. She hurried in with Eric tagging along behind her and went straight to the counter to present her claim check.
Eric stood clinging to his mother’s coat. He had never been in a shop like this before, and there was a lot to look at. He was gazing around him when suddenly an open display shelf near a window caught his eye and utterly dazzled him.
The late afternoon sunlight was glinting off a collection of the most fascinating objects Eric had ever seen. They were small crystal figures—little animals and people, and even a perfect, tiny castle atop its own crystal mountain, exactly like the one in Eric’s favorite storybook—and every movement of Eric’s head created rainbows of bright light.
Before Patsy had time to realize what was happening, Eric was off toward the shelf as fast as his short, round legs could carry him. He reached for the wonderful castle, but his small fingers were only strong enough to drag the castle off its shelf and onto the tile floor, where it splintered into pieces.
Eric howled in fright. Patsy was embarrassed, apologetic, and angry—the crystal castle turned out to be shockingly expensive.
What are Patsy’s options? Unfortunately, at this point she doesn’t have many. She can pay for the broken castle and whisk her small son out to the car, vowing never to take him anywhere again. She can explore with Eric what happened and hope he remembers next time. (Notice that we haven’t mentioned punishing Eric; it is doubtful a slap or a punitive time-out would make things any better, especially since Eric had received no guidelines beforehand.)
However, Patsy could have thought things through before entering the store, and taken the time to teach. She could have gotten down on Eric’s level, perhaps placing her hands gently on his shoulders or taking his hands in hers, and explained that there would be many pretty things in the store but that touching and holding them might break them. Eric could look but not touch. She prob
ably should have planned on holding his hand anyway, because it is too much to expect that a child will not want to explore at that age, or that he will be able to control his impulsivity, no matter how much teaching takes place. Patsy could also have made sure that Eric had something to occupy him while she was busy with the clerk. Or she could have decided that discretion was the better part of valor and picked up the watch at a time when Eric could be elsewhere.
Because avoidance is not always an option, though, your child will need to know how to behave in public places. Taking a moment to teach, to talk quietly about behavior, and to prepare by packing a few small, quiet toys will help your child develop skills and confidence—and will earn you the gratitude of your fellow diners, shoppers, and travel companions.
MAINTAINING DIGNITY AND RESPECT
Wait a minute, you may be thinking. This sounds great, but how can I plan ahead and encourage confidence and resilience in a toddler who is constantly telling me no? There are two beliefs that most parents share—beliefs that must be changed before you can work effectively with your little one. Do you recognize either of them?
• The belief that you can control toddlers and make them do what you tell them to do
• The belief that children are intentionally trying to defeat you
Because infants and toddlers are small and adults can easily pick them up and move them around, you may be seduced into believing that you can control their behavior. Think about this for a moment, though: Can any of us truly control another person’s behavior? Feelings? Beliefs? It is often difficult enough for us to control our own! Instead of expecting to control young children, consider learning to invite cooperation. Abandoning the mistaken notion of control and working toward cooperation may save your dignity and sanity—and those of your child.
The cooperative child you envision living with five years from now is being shaped and encouraged each moment of every day. By contrast, the toddler you swat and scold when she pulls books out of the bookcase is likely to become the six-year-old who refuses to do anything you ask—or the teenager who slips out the bedroom window after you’ve grounded her for a month. The toddler who is gently redirected to the pots-and-pans cupboard without punishment is learning to cooperate. Hopefully, she will also become the six-year-old willing to help empty the dishwasher, or the teenage who can negotiate a reasonable curfew and then honor it.
You will know that children aren’t trying to defeat you when you understand developmental stages and age-appropriate behavior. An eighteen-month-old who heads for your new smartphone has no intention of defying you. He sees something new, colorful, and inviting, something that you are obviously interested in as well. He wants to touch and explore it. Previous experience may have taught him to glance at you as he reaches for it, but his wired-in need to explore is much stronger than your warnings. His behavior isn’t defiance—it’s curiosity. Once you realize this, it becomes far easier to respond without anger or punishment. Let’s take another look at this as we explore every toddler’s favorite word: “No!”
WHAT DOES YOUR TODDLER REALLY “KNOW” ABOUT “NO”?
Children under the age of three do not understand “no” in the way most parents think they do (and a full understanding of “no” doesn’t occur magically when the child turns three or four; it is a developmental process). “No” is an abstract concept that is in direct opposition to the developmental need of young children to explore their world and to develop their sense of autonomy and initiative. Oh, your child may “know” you don’t want her to do something. She may even know she will get an angry reaction from you if she does it. However, her behavior is not yet truly intentional.
Knowing things as a toddler means something far different from internalizing that knowledge as an adult. A child’s version of knowing lacks the internal controls necessary to halt her roving fingers. Researchers including Jean Piaget discovered long ago that toddlers lack the ability to understand cause and effect in the same way adults do (an excellent reason not to try to lecture or argue a toddler into doing what you want). In fact, higher-order thinking like understanding consequences and ethics may not develop fully until children are as old as ten. In the meantime, children need kind, firm limits, patient teaching—and supervision.
Cognitive Development—and Why Children Don’t Understand “No” the Way You Think They Should
• Take two balls of clay that are the same size. Ask a three-year-old if they are the same. She will probably say yes. Then, right in front of her, smash one ball of clay. Then ask her if they are still the same. She will say no and will tell you which one she thinks is bigger. A five-year-old will tell you they are the same, and can tell you why.
• Find four glasses: two of the same size, one that is taller and thinner, and one that is shorter and fatter. Fill the two identical glasses with water and ask a three-year-old if they have the same amount. She will probably say yes. Then, right in front of her, pour the water from one into the short, fat glass and the other into the tall, thin glass. Then ask her if they still hold the same amount of water. Again, she will say no and will tell you which glass she thinks contains more water. A five-year-old will tell you they contain the same amount, and can tell you why.
Both of these examples demonstrate thinking abilities identified by Piaget. When you understand that perceiving, interpreting, and comprehending an event are different for young children, your expectations will change.
AT ANOTHER LEVEL: THE “CHILD POWER” OF “NO”
Toddlers are learning to see themselves as separate, independent beings. (This “individuation process” escalates when they become teenagers.) It’s a natural and healthy part of development, but one that is frequently trying for parents and teachers. It doesn’t take long for a young child to learn the power of the word “no” or that by using it he can provoke all sorts of interesting reactions. Adults can’t always avoid these confrontations, but changing your own behavior and expectations can lessen their impact. There are actually three types of “no”: the ones you can avoid saying, the ones you can avoid hearing, and the ones that you just learn to live with.
HOW NOT TO SAY “NO”
“Sometimes I listen to myself talking to my two-year-old,” one mom confided to a group of friends, “and all I hear myself saying is ‘no’ and ‘don’t.’ I sound so negative, but I don’t know what else to do.” There are actually a number of ways adults can avoid saying the “no” word themselves:
• Say what you do want. Hannah, who is three years old, is delightedly throwing blocks across the room. Her teacher walks in and immediately says, “No throwing blocks!” Now, Hannah hears what not to do, but she may have a hard time figuring out what she can do. It might be more effective if her teacher says, “Blocks are for using on the floor” or “You look like you want to do some throwing. Would you like me to help you find a ball you can throw?” The next time you start to tell your child no, ask yourself what you want to have happen. Then tell your child what you want.
• Say “yes” instead. Many parents are programmed to respond with an automatic no. When you are about to say no, try asking yourself, “Why not?” Take a look at sixteen-month-old Cindy. She is playing in the bathroom sink, splashing water everywhere, and having a wonderful time. When Mom enters the room, her first response is to grab Cindy and say, “Stop that!”
But why? Cindy’s eyes are sparkling; she is absorbed in the feel of the water and the magic of the droplets flying around. Her clothes can be changed, and she’ll probably think it’s a terrific game to help Mom mop the floor afterward. In other words, there may be no reason to say no this time. Mom and Cindy may be better off if they forget the “no” and simply enjoy themselves.
• Try distraction and redirection. Firmly and calmly remove a child from the forbidden item. Instead of scolding her about what she shouldn’t be doing, refocus attention: “Let’s see how many birds are at the bird feeder this morning.”
• Offer limited
choices. When your toddler demands apple juice instead of orange juice, hold up the cup of apple juice you gave her or offer to put the juice away until later. (Remember, toddlers may use their whole bodies to object, as in a tantrum. Just because little Sophie throws a tantrum doesn’t mean that your handling of the situation was inappropriate.) Next time, try offering a choice of juice before pouring it, thereby giving her an opportunity to exercise appropriate power instead of demanding special service or engaging in a power struggle.
WHEN YOU MUST SAY “NO”
Where do children learn the word “no”? Well, probably from hearing their parents and caregivers say it so often. Try to say no only when necessary during these first three years of life. If you say no too frequently, you may be hampering normal development and creating unnecessary power struggles.
Remember, you must be willing to teach many times before comprehension occurs. We talk to children before they comprehend words, we remove them from things they can’t do before they comprehend why, we hug and cuddle before they are able to hug back.
Real understanding—the ability to use a skill without consciously thinking about it—takes time. Providing kind and firm discipline and teaching developmentally appropriate boundaries are the goals, but you will make many mistakes along the way. Because infants and toddlers do not always comprehend, saying no is effective only when used with other methods, such as kind and firm action.
TEACH WITH YOUR ACTIONS
With children from birth to age three, it is best to say no with actions instead of words. As Rudolf Dreikurs used to say, “Shut your mouth and act.”
