Positive Discipline- the First Three Years

by Jane Nelsen

Two-year-old Oliver loved books, but when Cynthia, his caregiver, found him ripping out pages in the book she had just read for story time, she gently took it away and led Oliver to the book corner. There, she helped Oliver choose a more rugged board book. Oliver was content with this new book, and further damage to a school library book was prevented.

  When two-and-a-half-year-old Michael started a temper tantrum in the supermarket, his mother picked him up and took him to the car. She calmly held him on her lap until he stopped screaming and writhing. They then went into the store and tried again. They made three trips to the car that day; fortunately, Michael’s mom took care not to load perishables like frozen peas or milk into her cart until just before they checked out! A few days later, they went to the supermarket again, and made only one trip to the car. The following week, Michael stopped crying as soon as his mother picked him up to head for the car. That’s planning ahead (and kind and firm follow-through) in practice!

  It was easier for these adults to act kindly and firmly because they knew it was normal for children to test their autonomy and initiative, sometimes in socially unacceptable or dangerous ways. Was Michael’s mom embarrassed when the other shoppers stared at them or suggested that her child needed “a good spanking”? Perhaps. She also knew that it is a parent’s job to build a sense of capability and resilience, to provide constant supervision, and to redirect misbehavior through kind and firm action. Parenting requires both patience and courage, and raising active, curious, energetic toddlers merits a medal of special honor. It is an awesome task.

  Instead of expecting your child to comprehend and obey when you say no, follow through with action. You might say “No biting” while gently cupping your hand over the child’s mouth and removing her from biting range. You might say “No hitting” while removing him and showing him what he can do: “Touch nicely.” The “no” may be more for your benefit than the child’s—it helps you create the energy you need for kind and firm action.

  A Hugging “No”

  There is a delightful cartoon that depicts a mother shouting “No!” to her toddler. The child shouts back, “Yes!” The mother shouts louder, “No!” The child screams, “Yes!” Then the mother remembers the importance of being kind and firm at the same time. She kneels down, gives her child a hug, and softly says, “No.” The little boy says, “Okay.”

  Saying no is fine when you are aware of what your child does and does not understand. The frustration occurs when parents think the word “no” by itself is enough to create obedience.

  THE “NO” YOU WANT CHILDREN TO SAY

  Believe it or not, children need to learn to say no. Saying no is a valuable life skill. Toddlers will one day grow into teenagers who will be faced with offers of drugs, alcohol, and other dangerous options. When these choices loom, you undoubtedly want your young adult to say no. Right now, when his entire vocabulary seems to consist of that one word, you may not be so thrilled.

  Give children chances to say no in appropriate ways. “Do you want some juice?” A “no” response to juice is perfectly acceptable. Or you might ask, “May Auntie give you a hug before she leaves?” Because children need to have some control over their bodies, the answer of “no” ought to be an option, one that hopefully Auntie can accept without offense.

  KIND AND FIRM

  Another possibility is to use kind and firm statements that don’t include the word “no.” Notice how the “and” puts kindness and firmness together. Here are some examples:

  • Validate feelings: “I know it is hard to stop playing, and it is time for dinner.”

  • Show understanding: “I understand why you would rather play than go to bed, and it is bedtime.”

  • Redirect behavior: “You don’t want to brush your teeth, and I don’t want your teeth to be icky. I’ll race you to the bathroom.”

  • Provide a choice: “You don’t want to take a nap, and it is naptime. Is it your turn to choose a book, or mine?”

  • Offer a choice and then follow through by deciding what you will do: “I know you want to run around in the store, and that is not acceptable. You can stay close to me or we can go sit in the car until you are ready to try again.”

  PROCESS VERSUS PRODUCT

  Few things in the world of parenting come in only black or white. This book is all about choices and possibilities. Understanding your child’s individual progress—his development of trust, autonomy, and initiative, his temperament, his physical and cognitive development—will help you make the best choices for him and for you. Let’s take a look at one way developmental stages influence your child’s perceptions and behavior.

  It’s a busy Friday evening, and you’re off on a quick trip to the grocery store with your toddler. You have a definite goal in mind—namely, to grab the necessary ingredients for dinner in time to get home, prepare and eat it, and still be on time for your older son’s soccer game. For you, going to the store means obtaining the desired product. For your toddler, however, the product just isn’t the point. Children are firmly rooted in the here and now; they think and experience life differently than adults do. A trip to the store is all about the process—the smells, the colors, the feelings, the experience. Being sandwiched into a busy schedule just doesn’t allow time to enjoy the process.

  Children do not share our goal-oriented expectations. It isn’t always possible to go along with a child’s relaxed approach, either. Sometimes you really do need to run in, grab the chicken, and run home again. But being aware of your child’s tendency to focus on process rather than product can help you provide a balance. There may be times when you can browse slowly through the store, enjoying the flowers in the floral department and the magazines in the rack, or smelling the fragrant peaches and naming colors together. Children are miniature Zen masters, able to focus on the moment and enjoy it—an ability many adults would do well to learn.

  When you must hurry, take time to explain to your child why you must shop quickly this time. You can explain that you want him to hold your hand and that you will have to walk past the toys and other interesting things. You can offer to let him help you find the chicken and carry it to the checkout stand. Then you will walk back to the car and drive home. Helping a child understand clearly what is expected and what will happen makes it more likely he will cooperate with you.

  THE IMPORTANCE OF HUMOR AND HOPE

  The ability to laugh and the ability to hope and dream are among the greatest gifts parents can bestow upon their children. There is no better way to prevent problems (or to deal with those that have already happened) than to change your perspective and see the humor in a situation. From the earliest games of peekaboo with your infant, laughter creates one of the closest bonds between you and your child. When your toddler’s attempt to fill the dog’s water dish results in a stream from the sink to the back door, try to smile and appreciate the effort. (We promise it will make a great story to share with his children someday!) Learning to share a smile, to make funny faces, or to find the humor in situations can carry your family through many tough times.

  Rules and limits have their place, and we couldn’t function well without them. But try the following experiment sometime: Notice how often you reprimand your child, make a demand, or warn against danger or an infraction of the rules. Then count how many times you admire his skills, encourage his explorations, or chuckle together over some amusing incident. Which do you do more often?

  Hopefully, an awareness of the impact of negative statements will encourage you to be more encouraging to your children. Focus on the positive. Prevent problems when possible. Allow time for relaxing a bit, for giving a child an extra hug or a few extra minutes of talk before bed. There are times when the best medicine truly is laughter—with a healthy dose of perspective.

  QUESTIONS TO PONDER

  1. It is easy to focus on what’s wrong. We have no trouble making long lists of what we dislike about ourselves, our spouses, our jobs—and our children. Think for a mo
ment about how you’d feel if your boss at work never did anything but point out your errors and shortcomings. How motivated would you feel to try harder? For one day, count how many times you say no to your child.

  2. If your list seems long and you are feeling discouraged, your child might be, too. Catch yourself saying “no” and see if you can turn it into a “yes” instead. See how many times you can manage this switch. You will both feel more encouraged.

  3. Consider an errand that you frequently do with your child. Is there a way to engage her in the process? How can you plan and teach before leaving home so your time together goes more smoothly? If mistakes happen (and they often do when you’re learning a new skill), think about what you can learn from the mistake to improve the process next time.

  13

  SLEEPING

  You Can’t Make ’Em Do It

  Gather any group of parents with very young children together and, inevitably, the conversation will turn in one of three directions. “I can’t get my little girl to take a nap,” one mom complains. “She’s up all day, then she falls asleep early in the evening. That would be great if she stayed asleep—but she wakes up at three in the morning and wants to play. How can I get her to sleep when we do?”

  “We practice the family bed, and our children sleep fine, although sometimes we don’t sleep very well,” one parent reports. Another says, “We also practice the family bed, but not because we want to. We just can’t get our kids to sleep in their own beds.”

  “My son sleeps fine,” a dad says, “but he absolutely refuses to have anything to do with his potty seat. He’s almost three. My mother says her kids were all trained by the age of two. We’re starting to panic.”

  “Well, we’re still on the basics,” another mom adds sadly. “My little boy thinks he can live on hot dogs and SpaghettiOs, with an occasional cookie thrown in. I’ve bribed and coaxed and argued, but he just clamps his lips together when I offer him anything else. I dread mealtimes.”

  Most of us can relate to these beleaguered parents; in fact, you may be nodding your head as you read this. The next three chapters will deal with those perennial power struggles: sleeping, eating, and toileting. Who starts these wars? And why?

  We believe that like any other parenting battle, the sleeping, eating, and toileting wars are based on a lack of knowledge, a lack of skills, a lack of faith, and a lack of confidence in yourself and your little one.

  Understanding developmental and age-appropriateness will give you needed perspective as your child learns to master his body. Focusing on cooperation skills—especially when you face the reality that sleeping, eating, and toileting are three areas where your child is in complete control—will bring relief to both of you. It is, after all, his body!

  Remember, it takes two to have a power struggle. You can’t make your child sleep; you can’t make her eat; and you can’t make her use the toilet. Only she can perform these functions. There are ways to invite cooperation, however, using respectful and developmentally appropriate methods.

  All humans must sleep and eat to survive. Toileting is a bodily function with strong (to say the least) social significance. None of these areas becomes a battleground unless it becomes more important for a child (or a parent) to “win” than to do what comes naturally. The key is for parents to learn to invite cooperation instead of engage in power struggles.

  SLEEPING: “BUT I’M NOT TIRED!”

  Most babies spend more time asleep than awake during the first few months of their lives, although their sleep schedules may be topsy-turvy for a while. Many power struggles over sleeping can be avoided if you help your child learn to fall asleep by herself as early in her life as possible. One of the most helpful strategies is to put her in her crib just before she falls asleep. Some parents are afraid to lay down a drowsy or sleeping baby for fear of waking her, but waking up and being allowed to go back to sleep after a little fussing is fine. It may help to add a gentle pat on the back to soothe her back to sleep.

  With time and practice, you will learn what works best for your child. You can explore the relative virtues of darkness versus night-lights, music versus silence, warm rooms versus cool ones. Still, sleeping is the baby’s job. You will invite a battle if you try to make his sleep your responsibility.

  Sleep patterns are different, too. Some babies are born with more active temperaments, while others may have colic or other physical problems. These infants may require more holding and comforting during the first three to six months until you (and your doctor) know your baby well enough to know if the problems are physical or not. Establish good sleeping habits as soon as you feel confident that your child does not have any physical problems.

  SLEEPING SINGLE

  Q: My two daughters (twelve months and almost three years old) will not fall asleep by themselves. I have to lie down with them until they fall asleep. Usually I fall asleep, too, and the whole evening is shot. Actually, the whole bedtime routine is a battle. They scream about having a bath, getting into their jammies, and going to bed. My older daughter tells me she isn’t tired. I try to convince her that she is. When I finally get them to bed and read a story, they cry for more. I’m a stay-at-home mom, so my children get plenty of attention—but it never seems to be enough. Help!

  A: Parents usually suffer more than their children do when they wait too long to help children learn they can go to sleep by themselves (and in the process, can learn “I am capable).” In truth, your child’s resistance may be much harder on you than it is on her! You chose to help her get to sleep when she was younger (an acceptable choice made by most caring parents). Are you willing to suffer a bit more to help your child now?

  Your daughters probably will cry for three to five nights until they accept that you know what is best for them and that you are going to stick to your resolve with confidence. Use your intuition to decide if you want to help them learn cold turkey or in stages. If your child continues to cry, you can go in to offer a word or a touch after five minutes, then ten minutes, then fifteen minutes, and so on without lying down, cuddling, or coddling. (You may question whether a young child knows the difference between five minutes and fifty, but the important thing is that she experiences consistency in finding you when she wakes up.)

  This may be the only way some parents can handle this adjustment; others see this as a way of teasing the baby and making separation more painful for both parent and child. In either case, parents who go cold turkey and parents who go in for a few seconds of comfort generally find that it takes three to five days for children to learn to fall asleep by themselves.

  There are two main ingredients for success in helping your children learn to go to sleep by themselves:

  1. Your understanding that this is the most loving thing you can do for your children, who have experienced secure attachment up until now. It is not helpful to teach them, even inadvertently, that their only power is to demand “undue service” from others.

  2. Your confidence. They will feel this from your energy and from your body language. Remember mirror neurons? Your emotional state is very readable. Children feel safe and trusting when parents are confident. When you are confident, it will be easier for you to be kind and firm. Conversely, if you feel unsure or give up and go in after several minutes of crying, your child may learn to cry longer, and you will both feel discouraged.

  Your children receive plenty of love during the day, and they see you every morning. We do not believe they will feel unloved or abandoned if they cry a little as they learn to fall asleep by themselves. It is actually empowering and loving to teach children the skills they will need to become healthy, responsible people.

  If you decide you just can’t stand to allow your child to cry, that is a choice you can make—but you must recognize that you may be setting the stage for a child who will demand undue service from you for many years. In the end, sleep will triumph. (Believe it or not, the day may come when you have trouble getting her to wake up an
d get out of her bed.)

  Crying or resistance does not mean that you have made the wrong choice. Your job as a parent is to make choices that are in your child’s best interest—but that does not mean those choices will always be popular. How will children learn that they can solve problems or develop resilience if they aren’t allowed opportunities to try?

  CREATING A MORE PEACEFUL BEDTIME

  Most parents and children will wrestle with bedtime at some point during their journey together. Here are some ideas that may help you make bedtime a soothing—instead of seething—time of day:

  • Establish a bedtime routine. The predictability of the night’s bath, toothbrushing, and bedtime stories will ease the transition from day to night. Consistency creates a feeling of safety and reassurance—the ideal atmosphere for a restful night’s sleep. Many busy families report that bedtime is seldom the same from one day to the next. While older children may be more flexible, consistent bedtime routines are essential for little ones.

  • Create a comfortable sleep environment. Like their parents, children have different preferences for how they sleep. Some children like a night-light, while others prefer pitch darkness; some like to hear the sounds of their parents and families, while others want silence; some like lightweight pajamas while others want cuddly, footed sleepers. These details aren’t worth arguing about. Help your child find the formula that works best for her, then let her relax and fall asleep in her cozy nest.

  • Create a bedtime routine chart together. As children grow older, the night’s routine can be made into a visual chart. Invite your child to tell you all the things he needs to do before going to bed, while you write them down. (If your child is too young to have this conversation, he may be too young to benefit from a chart.) If he skips something, you can ask questions such as, “What about choosing your clothes for the morning?” Then ask your child to tell you in what order these tasks need to be done while you put numbers on his list.