Positive Discipline- the First Three Years

by Jane Nelsen

  Now comes the fun part. Let your child pose while you take a picture of him doing each task. Print the photos and let your child paste them on a chart in the agreed-upon order (or let him staple them, in order, on a long ribbon), and ask him where you should hang it so he can see it. Now it is his. If he forgets, all you need to do is ask, “What is next on your bedtime-routine chart?” This puts him in charge and encourages feelings of capability.

  • Encourage your child to take an active role in bedtime preparations. If he is old enough to manage, don’t put his jammies on for him. (Remember, two- and three-year-olds are working on autonomy and initiative.) You might want to let him set a timer to see how quickly he can get his jammies on. Do this in a spirit of fun, not as a means of pressuring or hurrying your child. Encouragement is the key element whenever we promote independence and autonomy in young children.

  • Practice bedtime behaviors at other times of the day. You may want to play “Let’s Pretend” to prepare your child for what is going to happen. Try role-playing going to bed crying and then going to bed happy. You may want to play the part of your child, while he is the “parent.” You can also use puppets or stuffed animals to act out a bedtime routine. Remember, this exercise is intended to teach, not lecture. (Children love this, especially when the adult “child” misbehaves.) This gives her the opportunity to show how much she really understands about appropriate bedtime behavior. Model cooperation and do remember to have fun. (No one ever said parenting had to be boring!)

  • Avoid power struggles. If your child says, “I don’t want to go to bed,” don’t argue the point. You might say, “You’d really like to stay up later, and it is time for bed,” or “You don’t want to go to bed yet, and your chart says it is story time now.” These statements acknowledge her demands and help her to feel listened to, even though it is still bedtime. Be kind and firm at the same time. Trying to convince her that she is tired or telling her that she is cranky is not helpful. This only invites argument, and is a surefire recipe for a power struggle. Hang on to your sense of humor and playfulness. Many little ones resist a command to put jammies on, but few can resist a race to see who can get them on first—Dad or child!

  Normally, whenever there’s a power struggle, one participant wins and the other loses. In this case, though, you both lose because you will both be exhausted and frustrated by the time she finally falls asleep. It is your job to step out of the power struggle and create a win/win solution. Be kind but firm. Continue with the routine. Ask, “What is next on your chart?”

  • Decide whether bedtimes are the same. If you have more than one child, do you want them to go to bed at the same time or at separate times? It probably won’t take as long as you fear to do two routines if you combine part of the routines for both children. For instance, you may decide to have bath time and playtime together. One partner can play with an older child while the other gets the baby dressed. Or an older child can help by entertaining baby brother while he gets his diaper changed. This contributing role will help the older child feel involved instead of ignored, and will promote her cooperation when it is her own bedtime.

  • Decide what you will do—then do it. Agree to read one book or two, then stick to the agreement. Don’t get involved in a debate. Children learn best from actions that are kind and firm. If she keeps begging for one more story, give her a kiss good night and leave the room. Yes, she may cry, but your kind, respectful action will teach her that manipulation is not an option.

  • Make bedtime a time of sharing. When your child has acquired language, you might say, “Tell me the happiest and saddest thing that happened to you today.” You can also share your own happy and sad moments. This is a wonderful way to develop closeness. (Remember: today, yesterday, and last week are measures of time that children under four or five do not fully understand. Her happy moment might be something that took place months ago. Don’t argue the details; simply enjoy the sharing.)

  • Give a big hug—and leave. Remember, the more confident you are, the easier it will be for your children.

  Trust yourself to modify these suggestions to fit your style; you may want to add prayers, a song, or some other special item to your routine chart. Bedtime may be difficult sometimes, but you can feel confident that you are helping your child learn to go to sleep by himself, to get the rest he needs—and building his confidence and self-esteem in the process.

  Does It Work?

  Tara tried one more time to stuff her small son’s arm into his pajama sleeve, and gave up in frustration as he wailed and wriggled free again. Ever since baby Sean had arrived, bedtime had meant a battle with two-year-old Tyler. Tara knew that children sometimes struggled with the addition of a new sibling to the family, and had thought that she and Miles, her husband, had prepared Tyler well.

  Ever since Sean had come home from the hospital, however, Tyler had refused to fall asleep without a parent in his bed. He woke up several times a night, and he resisted the whole bedtime process. Tara sighed and picked up the pajama top again. Tomorrow, she resolved, she would dig out the notes from her parenting class. It was time to declare a cease-fire in the bedtime wars.

  The next morning was Saturday. Tara waited until Sean was napping, and then called Tyler to her side. “I have an idea,” she said with a smile. “I need some help remembering how to do bedtime with you. Could you help me make a chart so we can remember everything we’re supposed to do?” Tyler liked being consulted by his mom and agreed to help, watching with curiosity as Tara gathered poster board, markers, the camera, and stickers.

  “Now,” she said, uncapping a marker, “what’s the first thing we do at bedtime?”

  Working together, Tara and her small son listed the bedtime tasks and illustrated each one with a picture. When the chart was complete, Tara wrote “TYLER’S BEDTIME ROUTINE” in big letters and helped him sprinkle glitter on squiggly lines of glue. Tyler dashed off to show his creation to his dad.

  Miles admired the bright chart, amused by his son’s enthusiasm, but he looked dubiously at Tara. “I don’t know,” he said. “How can that make a difference?” But that night, Miles and Tara were both surprised by how well Tyler responded when they said, “What is next on your routine chart?”

  Later that week, Tara shared the results with her parenting group. “Tyler still doesn’t want to go to bed sometimes,” she said. “But when he knows I mean it he immediately asks, ‘Where’s my chart?’ We have to follow every step in order and he corrects me if I make a mistake. I tried to read him only one book last night and Tyler reminded me that the chart says he gets two. He’s been falling asleep without a whimper and sleeping through the night almost every night. His grandpa was so charmed by the bedtime chart that he asked if he could keep it as a memento after Tyler has outgrown it!”

  It is wise to remember that nothing will work all the time for all children, but as you will see, most toddlers thrive on routine, consistency, and encouragement.

  SLEEPING WITH PARENTS

  Many parents wonder whether or not they should let their children sleep with them. There are differing opinions on this issue. Books have been written about the “family bed” and the benefits of allowing children to sleep with their parents. Some people believe children feel more loved and secure when they sleep in their parents’ bed. Other experts believe children become demanding and dependent when they sleep with their parents, and that they have more opportunity to learn cooperation, self-confidence, and autonomy when they sleep in their own beds. Positive Discipline A–Z1 states, “If your children are in your bed by choice, that is one thing … However, most parents allow their children to sleep with them not by choice but by default and they are not happy about it. When this is the case, it is disrespectful to let your children sleep in your bed with you.” This raises an important distinction, one that can help you sort out what is really going on in your situation.

  The first thing to consider is what works for you. Follow your heart and
your head. Do you find it difficult to sleep with your children in your bed? If you are a single parent, it is vital to consider the implications of a potential new partner entering the picture; ask yourself how committed you might be to sharing your bed with an infant, toddler, or preschooler in such an eventuality. Some couples find it hampers their relationship (emotional and sexual), and don’t want to give up time for adult conversation after slipping under the covers, a quiet moment to read a book, and/or the chance to make love before going to sleep. (We purposely left out watching television, which can create a bigger wedge in a relationship than children in the bed.)

  On the other hand, if you believe that sharing the family bed fosters emotional closeness, then do so with safety considerations in mind. (The American Association of Pediatrics advises against infants sleeping in an adult’s bed, due to the risk of suffocation and an increased risk of SIDS, though not all experts agree with this advice.)

  Aside from philosophical, emotional, and safety concerns, remember that each child and family is unique. How does sharing a family bed work for your children? Does it help or hinder their development of autonomy, self-confidence, and self-reliance? Each family must find its own answers to these questions. We don’t claim to have “the” answer, but we do believe that parents will be able to sense when their child becomes overly demanding or is developing excessive dependence (instead of healthy independence).

  Rudolf Dreikurs believed that there is a strong connection between daytime misbehavior and nighttime misbehavior. In other words, children who create difficulties during the day also tend to create bedtime challenges. Dreikurs told the following story about a woman who came to him with a “problem” child. After hearing the woman’s complaints about her problems with the child during the day, Dreikurs asked, “How does the child behave at bedtime?” The woman replied, “I don’t have any problems at night.” This surprised Dreikurs, because his theory was that daytime and nighttime behavior are related. After a bit more discussion, Dreikurs asked again, “Are you sure you don’t have any bedtime problems?” The woman assured him, “Oh no, I don’t have any problems at night.” Finally Dreikurs guessed what might be happening at night. He asked, “Where does the child sleep?” The woman replied, “Why, she sleeps with me, of course.”

  Dreikurs explained to the woman that the sleeping arrangement was part of the problem. The child was not creating any problems at night because in bed she had her mother’s undivided attention. The child was only trying to get the same level of attention during the day that she received at night, and she created problems when her mother did not cater to her as she did at night. This child may have decided, “I’m loved only when I receive constant attention.”

  If your child is sleeping in your bed and seems overly demanding and dependent during the day, you might want to consider weaning her from the family bed. This decision can be difficult. As H. Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelsen point out in their book Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World, “Weaning has never been easy for the weanor or the weanee, but it is necessary for the healthy personal growth of both.”

  Some parents don’t allow their children to sleep with them during the night but welcome them into their bed on weekend mornings for “morning snuggles.” Other parents have a routine of lying down on their children’s beds for story time. They make it clear to their children that they will leave when the story is over, avoiding the habit many children quickly adopt of insisting their parents stay in their bed until after they fall asleep.

  Again, use your wisdom to decide what works best for you and your children. If you are part of a couple, listening and respecting one another as you make parenting choices will strengthen your relationship. Weigh your own needs against the skills your child will eventually need to develop, and chances are excellent that you’ll make the choice that is best for all of you.

  Beware of Bedtime Videos

  Q: My two-year-old wants to watch her favorite video every night at bedtime. If we don’t let her watch it, she puts up a terrible fight about going to bed. Sometimes we just give up and let her fall asleep on the floor in front of the TV. Even when we let her watch her video, she is a restless sleeper and often wakes up cranky and irritable in the morning. What should we do?

  A: A significant amount of research has found that screen time just before bedtime can disrupt a child’s sleep patterns—and sound sleep is important for growth, health, and consolidating learning. It may be a difficult transition for all of you, but it is best if you turn off all screens at least an hour before you plan to put your child to bed. Create a routine chart with her and let her know—kindly but firmly—that her video will not be part of her routine. Then follow the chart until her new bedtime routine has become the norm.

  A WORD ABOUT BEDS

  As if there wasn’t enough to consider, there are many choices of beds for children today. Should a child sleep in a parent’s room or in his own room? Should he be in a crib or on a mattress on the floor? Proponents of each of these styles have strong opinions and reasons to back them. Monitors make it easier if you prefer your child to be in a separate room, providing reassurance of your child’s safety. Remember, the key is balance. What works for your family?

  Speaking of balance, one unique sleeping choice is a rocking hammock that fans claim is especially helpful for babies who have colic. Even without colic, this choice appears to be very comfortable and makes it easy to keep a baby on her back, a position that the American Association of Pediatrics2 recommends to reduce the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS).

  WEANING

  “What if it is too late?” you may be asking. “I have already allowed some bad habits to develop and my child is now very demanding. She won’t go to sleep at all unless I lie down with her or let her sleep with us. When I try to break her of the habit, she screams—and I always give in. It has created all the problems you have discussed, but I can’t stand to listen to her cry.”

  Here are some tips to help you survive the weaning process:

  • Give up your “guilt button.” Children know when they can push that button; they also know when it is gone. (Don’t ask us how they know—they just do!) Guilt is rarely a positive, helpful feeling.

  Back Sleeping

  Most parents have heard about SIDS, which is the leading cause of death in infants up to the age of one year, and know that a baby should be placed on his back to sleep (at home and at childcare) to reduce the risk of SIDS. But parents may also have concerns about back sleeping. Here is some useful information from the American Association of Pediatrics:

  • Spitting up or vomiting. Parents sometimes worry that a baby will choke if he spits up while on his back. Reassuring research shows, however, that healthy infants are able to turn their heads if they spit up, and are no more likely to have breathing or digestive problems than infants who sleep on their tummies.

  • Flat head. Parents also may feel concern that a baby who sleeps on her back will develop a flat head. While a baby’s skull is indeed malleable early in life, the shape tends to fill out over time. You can also put your baby down for “tummy time” while she is awake, which will help strengthen her neck muscles and improve her coordination—and reduce the time she spends on her back.

  • Delayed motor skills. Some parents are told that babies who sleep on their backs won’t learn to roll over quickly and may even have delayed motor development. Again, if your baby gets lots of tummy time while he’s awake, this will not be a problem. Be sure your little one gets lots of opportunities to stretch, reach, and move, and he will develop strength and coordination smoothly. (You can learn more about these issues at www.healthychild.org.)

  Knowing why you are doing something will help you do what is necessary for the ultimate good of your child.

  • Tell your child what you are going to do. Even if your child is preverbal, he or she will understand the energy behind the words. A little warning and time to prepare will help both
of you avoid unpleasant surprises.

  • Follow through. If you say it, mean it; and if you mean it, follow through with action that is kind and firm.

  • Take time during the day for lots of hugs and other special time with your child. Make sure this isn’t “guilt penance” (your child will “feel” the difference), but time for reassurance and enjoyment of your love for each other.

  • Hang in there. If you’ve followed the above steps, it usually takes at least three days for your child to believe that you mean what you say—and it may take longer. This means that she will try very hard to get you to maintain the old habit. Decide beforehand how you will handle such resistance. Some mothers find it so painful to listen to their little one cry that they put their heads under the covers and cry themselves. (The crying time will probably get shorter each night—even though every minute might still feel like an eternity.)

  Allowing a child to “cry it out” is always a dilemma for parents. Remember, crying is a form of communication. Of course, you must respond to your child’s cries. The challenge is to be able to discern whether the cry is communicating a need or a want. Children need to be fed, diapered, and given love. They also need sleep. On the other hand, a child may want to stay awake, even if his body is exhausted. When this is the case, a bit of crying to express disappointment, to release excess energy, or to manage his sense of being overwhelmed by fatigue may be necessary for him to settle down and sleep.

  Sometimes parents worry that letting a baby cry is traumatic and will scar him for life. When a baby experiences plenty of love and attachment during the day, trauma is unlikely for a child who is six months old or older. Certainly, it is unwise to allow a baby to cry for long periods of time without responding, but it is not helpful when a child develops the belief “I’m not capable,” which may happen if she doesn’t learn self-reliance in small doses.