Positive Discipline- the First Three Years

by Jane Nelsen

  • Lighten up and make toilet training fun. One parent emptied the toilet bowl and painted a target in the bowl. His son could hardly wait to try to hit the bull’s-eye.

  • Avoid rewards and praise like stars on a chart or candy treats. Rewards can become more important to your child than learning socially appropriate behavior, and may give him unexpected ways to manipulate you. Allow your child to feel capable within himself instead of getting hooked on outside validation.

  Kevin had always suspected that offering candy as a reward for cooperation might backfire one day, but he was still surprised at how quickly his two-and-a-half-year-old son Braden learned to work the system. One night at dinner, Braden stubbornly refused to eat any of his dinner, turning up his nose at the meat loaf and peas Kevin had placed before him. “Fine,” Kevin said, annoyance clear in his voice. “No treat for you for eating your dinner.”

  Braden gave this announcement careful thought, then said, “Potty, Daddy?”

  “Potty” was the magic word in this household, and Kevin was quick to respond. “Do you have to go, Braden?” he asked.

  “Yes, potty,” Braden said with a nod of his head, and scampered off to his potty chair, where he promptly produced a result. Without hesitation—and with a wicked gleam of victory in his eye—Braden looked up at his father and held out his small hand. “Braden pooped. Treat, Daddy.” Kevin realized he had been expertly maneuvered into supplying candy after all, and resolved to get rid of the treats the very next day.

  Here is another suggestion on toilet training from Positive Discipline A–Z:

  If your child is still not toilet trained by the time she is three years old, be sure to get a doctor’s evaluation to see if there is a physical problem. If there is not a physical problem, you may be involved in a power struggle. Guess who will win! One thing you can’t control is a child’s elimination functions. It takes two to engage in a power struggle. Stop. Allow your child to experience the consequences of his choice with dignity and respect. Teach your child to change his own clothes during a calm time. When the pants get wet or soiled, kindly and firmly take your child to his bedroom to find new clothes. Then lead him to the bathroom and ask if he would like to change alone or with you there to keep him company. (Do not do it for him.) It is unlikely that he will refuse if you are kind and firm, and if you have truly dropped the power struggle. If it still feels like a power struggle, offer help by handing him the washcloth or wipes, holding the diaper pail lid open for him, or providing a bag for him to place his soiled clothes in. Be empathetic; help him in appropriate ways (without doing it for him).

  Action Please

  Toilet training usually coincides with another toddler milestone: the ability to say no. What will most toddlers say when asked, “Do you need to use the potty?” “No” is a pretty safe guess. A better plan might be to pay attention to your child’s facial expression and body language, or to set a reasonable schedule and say, “It’s time to go potty,” then act. Take his hand and walk to the bathroom, then help him to sit on the toilet or potty seat. Consider letting him sit on his potty while you sit on the big one nearby. This might be too much togetherness, but if you are comfortable with it, your little one will probably love the chance to be “just like Mommy or Daddy.”

  ENVIRONMENTAL OPPORTUNITIES

  Some of today’s diapers make it difficult for children to respond to their own natural clues. Disposable diapers do such a good job of absorbing moisture that some children do not notice when they are wet, or do not feel enough discomfort to react. Give children opportunities to notice what happens when they “go.” You can also use training diapers that provide less complete absorption, or cloth training pants—with lots of clothing changes nearby.

  Allowing a child to go diaperless in the backyard on a warm day often provides an eye-opening experience. You can almost read her mind: “Wow! Look what I can do.” The awareness of what happens physically often leads to mastery. Some parents have found it helpful to wait until the summer after their child reaches two-and-a-half years old, and then spend some time in the backyard with a naked child and a potty chair, making it a game to pee and poop in the potty. One family found that their son became potty trained during the week of their family’s camping vacation. Urinating in the woods with his older brother beat diapers any day!

  Make the process as easy as possible. Switching to training pants or pull-ups eases the transition from diapers. Small potty seats or conversion rings for adult toilets with a small stool for climbing are helpful modifications. Be sure your child is wearing clothing that helps rather than hinders; elastic waistbands and loose articles are easier for small fingers to manage than snaps, buttons, and bows. The easier the on-and-off process, the more successful your little one will be.

  WHEN ACCIDENTS HAPPEN

  As with most skills, there will be accidents or mistakes during the process of mastering bladder and bowel control. Some children may have accidents for up to six months after toilet training, or when they are feeling stressed by changes in the family or home. Treating toilet accidents calmly and respectfully makes it less likely that power struggles, resistance, and lack of cooperation will result. Don’t humiliate or shame your child when he has an accident; don’t put him back in diapers. Scolding, lecturing, or punishing won’t help, and may damage the sense of trust and caring between you and your little one.

  Instead, be empathetic. After all, accidents are just that: accidents.Help your child clean up. Say, “It’s okay. You can keep trying. I know you’ll get it soon.” You can also be sure your child knows where the bathroom is when you travel, and be sure to take along clean clothes. With time and patience the skill will be mastered.

  Again, a parent’s patient confidence makes a difference. Take young Andrew, for instance:

  By the age of three or so, Andrew was ready to give up his diapers. Because he’d decided it was time, his mom and dad found the process delightfully easy. In just one day and two nights, Andrew was completely trained and accident-free.

  Imagine, then, how surprised Andrew’s mom and dad were when he demanded his diapers back after just one week. In checking out their son’s request, his parents learned that Andrew had observed an interesting fact. Going to the bathroom, undoing his clothes, sitting down, cleaning up, and dressing again took more time away from important play than he was willing to spend. Andrew had discovered that diapers were simply easier, and he wanted to go back to them. When Andrew found that his parents weren’t willing to provide any more diapers, he sighed—and remained in his “big boy pants,” entering the grown-up world of bladder-regulated inconvenience.

  If your little one wants to change his mind after the training process has been completed and celebrated, don’t despair. Remain kind and firm, and the situation will undoubtedly resolve itself. And remember, each child eventually masters toilet training—on his own timetable.

  QUESTIONS TO PONDER

  1. Toileting can cause stress and feelings of inadequacy—for you and your child. Take a moment to consider: How sensitive are you to what other adults say about your child’s progress in toileting? Why is it important to you that she be out of diapers?

  2. Consider the elements of physical and emotional readiness discussed in this chapter. Name two things that will help you know when your child is truly ready for toilet training. Does your child meet these criteria? If not, is it worth beginning the process now?

  3. How can you encourage your child’s sense of healthy autonomy during the process of toilet training? What can you do to set the stage for success?

  16

  GETTING ALONG IN THE GREAT BIG WORLD

  Development of Sharing and Other Social Skills

  Did you know that a crying baby is practicing social skills? In the first months of a baby’s life, crying brings adults, who provide food, comfort, and entertainment. Before long he’s smiling, and by five to eight months of age he is giggling, cooing, and otherwise enchanting his grown-up c
ompanions.

  Understanding child development can help adults comprehend how primitive a child’s social interactions will be for a while. When adults understand that most social skills don’t develop naturally but must be taught, they may be less dismayed when children hit, bite, push, or fight as they discover how to get along with others.

  Social skills like sharing and playing develop through training, practice, and mistakes—especially mistakes. The road is not smooth; emotional bumps and scrapes, with an occasional real bite and scratch, mark the way.

  SOCIAL SKILLS IN THE FIRST THREE YEARS

  Time passes and a child grows. Eventually he will need social skills: to know how to get along with others, to communicate, and to choose behaviors that help his progress in life. In fact, most researchers now understand that social and emotional learning deeply influences all other aspects of a child’s early development, as well as his academic progress later on. When a child is learning to play and share, he is actually hard at work!

  PARALLEL PLAY

  Parents usually have questions about this stage of life—lots of them. Many parents find their toddler’s behavior frustrating, irritating, and downright defeating at times. Let’s look at how children’s interactions develop.

  When toddlers play together, most of their play is “parallel play.” They play near other children rather than with them. Jeffrey, for instance, is fourteen months old. At the childcare center, the caregivers feed him, carry him, comfort him, and change him. There are other children present, but they are more like mysterious new toys. Jeffrey has begun to be curious about them and to explore them; he knows they cry when he pokes them, and when he tried to put one child’s hair in his mouth it created quite a commotion. For now, Jeffrey is content to do his own thing while other children do theirs—at least most of the time.

  As Jeffrey grows, he will begin to interact directly with the children around him, mimicking their play, laughing when they laugh, learning their names, and beginning the process of making friends. Play is the laboratory in which young children experiment with connection, relationship, and social skills. Your child’s ability to connect with others begins with her connection with you. Taking time to play with your child is one of the best ways to create a solid foundation for social and life skills.

  SHARING VERSUS “MINE”

  Sharing is a big issue in the world of young children. Parents often expect children to take turns, to be happy with equal portions, or to give up playing with a favorite toy. But children under the age of two are egocentric; that is, they are the center of their own world, and everything else exists only as it relates to them. This is not selfishness—it’s natural human development.

  Mary was the first to raise her hand during the question-and-answer session at her parenting class. “My little girl, Jetta, is eighteen months old. I’m trying to teach her that everything does not belong to her,” Mary said with an exasperated sigh. “She grabs my purse and says, ‘Mine purse.’ I try to reason with her and tell her, ‘No, this is Mommy’s purse,’ but she just hangs on, repeating, ‘Mine purse.’ She does the same thing with the cereal box, the telephone, and even the dog.”

  Guess what? As Mary will learn from her parenting class facilitator, in Jetta’s world everything is “mine.” Jetta looks out at the world from its hub: herself. If you believe that the world begins and ends with you (and toddlers believe exactly that), it follows that everything in the world belongs to you. No amount of logic will change Jetta’s perspective, because it is simply the way she sees her place on the planet right now.

  During the “mine” stage of development, do not waste energy on debates. Try saying, “You like Mommy’s purse. Want to help me carry it?” Without arguing with her and inviting a power struggle, you are giving her accurate information, offering her a way to make her own small contribution to help you, and making space for her view of the world. Until her development moves forward, this makes far more sense than holding endless arguments over ownership. If you try to correct her thinking, you will almost certainly create a power struggle, perhaps setting a pattern for the future. Cooperation promises a much healthier future for both of you.

  A survey conducted by the Zero to Three National Center for Infants, Toddlers, and Families asked, “Should a fifteen-month-old be expected to share her toys with other children, or is this too young of an age to expect a child to share?”

  They found that 51 percent of parents of children ages birth to three years believe a fifteen-month-old should be expected to share. However, research shows that developmentally, fifteen months is too young to expect a toddler to share. Parents may mistakenly believe that if a child acts “selfish” now, he will be a selfish adult.

  Zero to Three offers some sound advice: Children this age need guidance and teaching rather than “discipline” if they are having trouble sharing. Providing solutions such as finding another toy they can offer a friend, using a timer to cue taking turns, giving them something else to do while they wait their turn, or suggesting (and demonstrating) ways they can play with the toy together may be helpful. After lots of practice (and with your help), by the time they are two to two-and-a-half they can begin to do it on their own (but don’t expect consistency!).

  SHARING IN THE REAL WORLD OF TODDLERS

  When twenty-month-old Susie grabs another child’s toy, an adult can step in, remove the toy gently from Susie, return it to the other child, and carry Susie away to find some other interesting object to play with, saying, “Tommy is playing with that toy right now” or “Let’s find a toy that Susie enjoys.”

  When Susie is two and a half, things change a bit. She no longer merely plays next to her companions but enjoys running around the playground with them. When Susie grabs a toy now, adults can respond differently from the way they did earlier. Susie is ready to learn and practice the social skill of sharing. A more appropriate response now is to take the toy and explore with her ways of learning to share with another child.

  Susie and Tommy are playing in the block area when Susie grabs the toy car that Tommy has just picked up. Both children begin to yell, “Mine! Give it to me!” Naturally, the uproar draws the attention of Mrs. McGee, the children’s teacher. She walks over and gently takes the car.

  “Susie,” she asks, “do you want to play with this car?” “I want it,” Susie agrees. Mrs. McGee turns to Tommy. “Are you playing with the car, Tommy?” Tommy’s lower lip juts out a bit as he says, “Mine.”

  Mrs. McGee places the car in Tommy’s hands and turns to Susie. “Susie, what do you think you could say to Tommy if you want to play with the car?” “I want to play with it?” Susie offers (with only a little sulk in her voice). Mrs. McGee agrees that’s one way to ask. She suggests that Susie could also try saying, “May I play with the car?”

  Tommy has been watching this exchange with interest. When his teacher asks him what he might say to Susie when she asks for the car, he responds right away. “Here, you can have it,” he replies, offering the car to Susie. Mrs. McGee smiles. “It’s nice of you to share, Tommy. What might you say if you weren’t finished with the car?”

  This is a new thought for Tommy. The teacher has made it clear that just asking may not be enough. She is helping Tommy learn that he has some options and can assert his own needs, but Tommy is momentarily baffled.

  Mrs. McGee turns to Susie. “Can you think of something Tommy can say, Susie?” Susie has just the answer. “He could say, ‘In a minute.’ ” Mrs. McGee nods. “That’s a good idea. Perhaps he could say that he will give it to you in five minutes. Would that work, Tommy?” Tommy nods, and Mrs. McGee encourages him to practice saying, “I’m not done yet” to Susie.

  Throughout this conversation, both children were invited to explore the possibilities available to them. Sharing is a skill that must be taught and practiced (even by adults). How will a child know what to do if no demonstrations are given? This is also a period of intense language development. Providing the n
ecessary words and ways to use them is part of the training process. Teaching and encouraging young children to “use their words” (if they know which words to use, of course) is a wonderful way to nurture social skills. But it is important to remember that training is a process that must be repeated over and over as the developmental clock keeps ticking. It is the adults’ job to guide continuously—not to expect that children will learn and remember after one experience, or even a hundred.

  Successful Strategies for Teaching Toddlers to Share

  Possessiveness and ownership are normal steps before the ability to share truly begins around the age of three or four. Meanwhile, teach the process of sharing while your child’s ability to do so is still under developmental construction.

  • Demonstrate sharing. Give your child bites or half of a special treat. Offer to let him hold something that is yours. Play trading games with him. “What do you want to share with me while I share this with you?” Kindly and firmly remove an item that belongs to someone else or that she can’t have, without lecturing or shaming.

  • Create opportunities to share. Hand your child two crayons and ask him to pick one for his playmate to use. Thank him for sharing.

  • Avoid judgment and show compassion. Support your child’s need to possess. (Don’t you have some possessions you don’t want to share?) Help older children find another toy to play with, or provide more than one of the same toy. When a child is upset, offer whatever comfort you can, but don’t try to shield him from experiencing disappointment—after all, disappointment and frustration are a part of life that your child needs to learn to cope with. You might say, “It is hard to share. You really wanted that.” Empathy eases the pain and paves the way to later acceptance of sharing.