Positive Discipline- the First Three Years

by Jane Nelsen

  All over the world, children go from carpeted floors to paved roads to plastic-covered play yards and never feel the soft sponginess of grass, the slick glide of moss, or the shifting grittiness of sand against bare toes. Hard shoes separate them from the earth beneath their feet. While shoes are necessary to protect tender skin, it is all too easy to keep those wiggling toes from ever experiencing the wonderful textures of the world. From the very earliest moments of life, there is a grand planet waiting to be explored, and it is through this natural world that we learn about life itself. Connection with nature is essential for more than sentimental reasons. Research tells us that contact with the natural world stimulates early learning and may actually help prevent problems such as obesity, depression, and anxiety.

  FROM HANDS TO HEARTS

  Mother Nature tends to our needs in many ways. Bodies thrive from exposure to fresh air, receive doses of oxygen thanks to hardworking green plants, and are nourished by clean, clear water. The food we eat comes from her rich soil—or would, if we ate fewer processed foods. She helps brains develop through the experiences of the senses—what we see, hear, smell, touch, and feel.

  Nature also tends to our emotional health. Exposure to nature can soothe our souls, drain away the stress of our days, and help us heal both emotionally and physically. Sunlight provides essential vitamins and alleviates depression. Time spent with this other mother improves our ability to focus, solve problems, and tap into creativity. And the more we learn from her, the more we come to care about her needs, too. As the planet’s environment is increasingly stressed and the climate shifts, we will need the active engagement and problem-solving abilities of our youngest citizens. When you involve your child in the natural world, you increase the chance that she will care deeply about the planet she inhabits and will want to contribute to its well-being.

  EXPERIENCE + BRAIN = LEARNING

  Throughout our lives, but especially during the early years of life, much of what we experience comes through our senses. The natural world is rich in such experiences.

  Little Nadine learns through touch that a kitten’s fur is soft, that water can be cold, warm, or even hot, and that rain feels different than sunshine on her face. But she cannot learn these things if she never gets to stroke a kitten, wiggle her fingers in water, or have her face exposed to the weather.

  Sam learns that bright sun makes him squint, that a delicate daisy petal feels different than a rough pinecone, and that a sparrow looks very small flying above him in the sky but much larger when it is picking up crumbs along the sidewalk. Each of these experiences provides lessons in how the world works and helps to wire his brain with new information. Smell alerts him to the presence of newly turned earth in a garden, causes his nose to tingle from the saltiness of an ocean mist, and makes him turn his head toward a blooming lilac bush.

  When Miss Barbara’s preschool class walks past an open field, a loud “caw” invites them to look at the crow flying overhead, while a mooing cow or barking dog alerts them to the presence of very different creatures. As their outdoor adventures continue, they learn that a rose is pretty but its thorns are sharp, and that snow is soft but makes your hands cold. Rocks are shiny and tempting—but they taste yucky!

  The human brain usesa these experiences to create memories and to wire the brain. Even language is affected. How will your child make sense of a word like “squishy” if his toes have never mushed through a mud puddle?

  WONDER AND CREATIVITY

  Newton came up with the theory of gravity after sitting beneath a tree and having an apple fall on him, or so the story goes. Fortunately, nature does not need to hit one over the head to stimulate creativity. Have you ever stopped working on a difficult task and gone for a walk through a garden, and found yourself better able to solve a vexing problem afterward? Nature can do that! One study of adults showed that in an office with green plants the creative suggestions of the participants increased by at least 15 percent.

  Beauty and wonder are linked to creativity. The purples and pinks of a sunset, the yellows, oranges, and golds of autumn leaves, and the silky softness of a puppy’s nose fill us with wonder. Isn’t that sense of wonder something you want your child to know? Mother Nature is the world champion of wonder. She offers this gift to us every single day, if only we take the time to look.

  Walk out your own front door1 with your child. Notice that cardinal perched on the edge of a rainspout. Blink and you might miss the sparkle of water droplets when it splashes in its morning bath. Look at your baby’s eyes as she watches a tiny crab scuttle across the sand. Observe your toddler trying to lick a raindrop from a leaf. These are moments of wonder. Children instinctively dig in beach sand. As their skills develop, their eager fingers create intricate structures laced with rivulets. Nature flows through them as creativity.

  LIFE LESSONS

  Nature’s lessons are often effortless—true examples of “natural consequences.” No one needs to tell a child to slow down when walking along a sandy beach. The sand takes care of that lesson. Watch a picky eater’s appetite soar after a day outdoors. A hat that isn’t tied down or buttoned up will soon be snatched by the wind, a better lesson than endless parental reminders.

  What other lessons might your toddler learn from nature? Plant a radish seed and watch it grow from a tiny brown bead to little green leaves to a huge red bulb that she can eat. What a wonderful lesson in patience! The silence of a desert landscape invites tranquillity, as does the sound of waves whispering over the sand along a beach. Mother Nature offers solace and respite, and encourages a child to listen to her own inner voice.

  Unless there is a dark sky, stars cannot be seen. For much of the world, finding a place of true darkness requires deliberate effort; in fact, in many urban communities it is rarely possible to see stars, let alone the Milky Way, because of the light from streets and buildings. If you want your child to understand trust and security, you can teach her that the stars are always there (even when she cannot see them), just like when Mommy leaves for work and comes back day after day.

  Nature brings bigger lessons, too, about both life and death. Nurturing a tiny kitten or puppy, watching it grow, and learning to care for it with gentleness teaches a child responsibility and kindness. The loss of a beloved pet is often the first experience children have with death, a sad but inescapable part of life. Nature helps us learn to deal with life in all its aspects.

  PHYSICAL BENEFITS

  Isn’t it amazing how even a tiny toddler will walk through piles of leaves or along a grassy trail without complaint, but beg to be carried even the short distance from a car in the parking lot to a nearby store, whining about it being “too far” or claiming to be “too tired”? Time spent in the natural world develops endurance. When in the presence of nature we slow down, even though time may seem to pass more quickly.

  If getting your child to sleep is a problem, try spending time outside together before bedtime. A few minutes exploring the plants in a garden, or even a walk around the block, taking time to notice the sky and the trees or birds overhead, will make calming down for sleep much easier for both of you.

  EMOTIONAL HEALTH, STRESS REDUCTION, AND HEALING

  Mother Nature provides a ready means of finding calm in busy lives. The silence of a walk in the woods or the sound of ocean waves brings a sense of peace unmatched by any lullaby. Because few of us have access to woods and beaches on a daily basis, you may need to actively seek out such experiences in your life.

  The exciting news is that both you and your tired little one may face a less cranky evening after a long day at work or in childcare with the addition of a touch of nature. A few moments spent outdoors, or a tour of the houseplants while checking to see if they need water, and caring for them together, can restore both of you.

  It is well known that stress plays a role in illness. Fortunately, if you reduce stress, healing may follow. For instance, patients able to see trees from their hospital windows actuall
y need less pain medication and their hospital stays are shortened. Children playing in natural settings on a regular basis show improvement in coordination and agility; they also tend to get sick less often.

  INVITING “MOTHER” IN

  There is so much our other mother has to offer. You need only open your eyes and her gifts surround you. Your task as a parent or caregiver is to be sure that these gifts remain accessible for your child. A playground covered in shock-absorbing rubber mats can still have planters filled with evergreen bamboo or local shrubs. You can create a “nature table” where children can bring in treasured finds to share: a smooth seashell, a shiny pebble, or a juicy honeycomb.

  Here are some suggestions for bringing nature into your home:

  • Start a garden or give a child a houseplant to care for. Even growing sprouts in a jar from tiny alfalfa seeds will do. Watching a seed turn into tiny sprouts that can be tossed into the evening salad puts children in touch with the miracle of how food grows.

  • If you don’t have garden space, make time to visit a farm or nearby garden. Even better, get permission to harvest a carrot, snip a few leaves of mint to add to water glasses, or gather a bouquet of daisies and sweet peas to place on the dinner table. Each of these activities brings nature into our lives and hearts.

  • Place a bird feeder where you and your child can watch as birds flit in and out, twitch their heads alertly, snatch seeds, and then fly off to crack them open. Make time to watch together. Listen to the different sounds the birds make. Can you tell them apart? Match the birds you see or hear to pictures.

  One childcare program in Australia decided to remove all man-made play equipment in its preschool classroom and replace it with items from nature. They talked about Aboriginal children, and what they might have played with when only natural items were available to them. There were logs to build with, baskets of shells and twigs, and containers of sand and pebbles on all the shelves. The children discovered ways to draw using soft rocks on tree bark. They created amazing mandalas, composed of shells, pebbles, and twigs. These took up large sections of the floor, and they spent long periods of time working with incredible focus. The teachers had planned to try this program for a week, but the children loved it so much that they continued on for several months.

  Another event, International Mud Day,2 was started by the early childhood community in Nepal, and encourages people around the world to simply (yes, you guessed it) play in mud. Centers or communities create mud, and children arrive dressed in washable clothing or swimsuits, and spend the day slithering through silky mud. They experience its slip, slosh, and smooth or gritty textures. They get wonderfully, washably dirty. Will your child ever know the feel of mud? Have you had that experience yourself? Why not?

  SUSTAINABILITY

  Mother Earth benefits from all this interaction, too. Just as we are interconnected through our relationships with others, giving children opportunities to connect with the natural world helps them develop a sense of stewardship and caring. What we learn to love, we treasure and will care for. That translates into adults who value, take care of, and preserve the natural world.

  Experiences with nature and a sense of connection to the natural world are among the greatest gifts we can offer children. They are preventive parenting at its best, meeting a child’s physical, cognitive, and emotional needs in ways that are infinitely sustainable as lifelong skills. How have you invited nature into your home, childcare setting, or life? Have you made room for her or blocked her out? She is a polite mother and prefers an invitation. Perhaps you are overdue for a family visit.

  QUESTIONS TO PONDER

  1. Inspire creativity by visiting a petting zoo, walking through the woods or along a beach, or watching a sunrise or sunset together. Afterward, supply your child with art materials such as crayons, colored pens, or paints. Join him and simply create together. What happens? What colors are used? Were they the ones in that sunset? Do the spots of the goats you stroked appear? Is the green of the trees or the blue of the ocean in the picture? Even if there is no noticeable relationship, the energy of the experience will feed it. Repeat often.

  2. Go for a silent stroll with your little one. Explain that for a few minutes, you will both listen to only the sounds that surround you. Even though a tiny baby may not understand the words, she will feel your body language as you become still and listen. Take this walk in as natural a setting as possible. Even a city street can teach you to listen with attention. What do you hear?

  The scrunch of gravel underfoot?

  The sounds of cars rattling past?

  The caw of a crow perched on a wire or tree limb overhead?

  With luck, you may even hear …

  Silence.

  Silence has a way of filling us and expanding within us. Enjoy.

  1 For a book detailing a toddler’s year of discovery and wonder, read Ann Pelo’s The Goodness of Rain (Redmond, WA: Exchange Press, 2013).

  2 www.worldforumfoundation.org/working-groups/nature/international-mud-day.

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  WIRED MINDS

  The Impact of Technology

  Digital natives. Mobile-born. Touch-screen generation. Remote-controlled child. These phrases, used in the media to describe children today, didn’t even exist a few short years ago. Neither did the term “Googling” (or the company it refers to, for that matter), yet many parents now routinely use a Google search to decide on a name for their child. After all, who wants to give a child a name that turns up thousands of references to an infamous criminal?

  From television to smartphones to tablets to computers (and whatever is still to come), technology, screen time, and social media are today’s reality. Most adults can’t imagine life without social media or texting, and are rarely far from their device of choice. It is not only the devices that are thought-provoking; the rate at which change is happening is increasing rapidly. Like the technology itself, the use of mobile devices by children is galloping ahead at an unprecedented pace.

  At the time of writing, nearly four out of every ten toddlers and infants have used a mobile device, as compared to only one out of ten two years previously. A 2013 SquareTrade study found that 85 percent of American children use mobile devices every day, averaging more than three hours each day of “screen time.” Believe it or not, toddlers two years old and younger are connected to a screen an average of 1.5 hours each day. Parents may laughingly call their tablet computers “pacifiers”—but what is the real long-term impact on a child’s developing brain?

  There is no question that healthy connections with parents and caregivers are critically important to a child’s development, but recommendations about developmentally appropriate use of mobile devices are in flux. The American Medical Association’s previous recommendation of no screen time for children under the age of two has softened to “Discourage screen media exposure for children under two.” Despite the recommendations, it is all but impossible to go out for a meal these days without seeing a toddler entertaining herself with Dad’s smartphone, and many parents brag about their child’s precocious ability to operate digital devices. Like it or not, today’s children have become a living technological experiment about the effects of screen time.

  Psychologist Jerome Bruner uses the term “enactive representation” to describe the way in which a child’s hands are connected to (and express) his thoughts. A thirsty child, for example, will pantomime drinking from a cup. It also explains what makes touch-screen devices such a game changer. When passing a finger over the screen makes a rainbow appear, what child wouldn’t want to do it again? And again? But what does this teach? What does it do to brain circuitry? The sobering answer is that we don’t yet know.

  WIRED MINDS: THE SCREEN TIME / SOCIAL MEDIA DILEMMA

  Changes in technology are now so rapid that it is all but impossible to predict long-range effects, let alone answer the questions each new advance poses. As you have learned, your child’s brain is being wired for li
fe in these first important years. Whatever your views or choices regarding technology, you must step back and make conscious, thoughtful decisions about what and how much exposure is appropriate for your child.

  ATTITUDE IS THE BEST APP

  Life in the twenty-first century is hectic. Parents are busy and rushed, and it is tempting to sit a child in front of the television or a game console while you hurry to prepare dinner, get laundry folded, or simply grab a few minutes of quiet for yourself. One parent said, “Those parents who are willing to restrict TV or computer time must work outside of the home. Those of us home all day with little ones need some kind of break!” The point is not whether parenting is demanding (it is) or exhausting (it can be) but that you must be conscious of your choices and attitudes, and the impact they have on your child’s development and beliefs.

  All parents need a break from time to time, and mobile devices may appear to be helpful “babysitters.” Like junk food, a little bit may not be permanently damaging. Still, media use in the home can become a slippery slope when parents aren’t paying attention. Instead of seeing your child as a distraction or a burden, what if your attitude changed? Is it possible to slow down enough to enjoy working alongside your child? She can learn valuable skills by doing tasks with you, and you will be strengthening your relationship.