Positive Discipline- the First Three Years

by Jane Nelsen

  All four of our children are thriving today. The center is, too; it’s still operating more than thirty-five years later and even our grandchildren have attended it. Many of the children our center has cared for are now young adults; some are parents themselves and some have brought their own children back to attend our center. Former students frequently stop by to visit and reminisce with us, and more than one has told us that their time at our center helped them experience subsequent successes in their lives. They are loving, capable, and responsible people, and we are grateful our family played an important role in so many young lives.

  There are all kinds of conflicting studies, attitudes, and theories about childcare. Roslyn’s experience offers a long-term perspective, one that includes raising children both in the home and out of the home. You may be thinking, It isn’t working outside the home when you are able to take your children with you. That is not the point. Roslyn’s children still had challenges to deal with, such as sharing their parents with other children and being separated from them even when they were in the center’s care, often for long hours each day. Some parents work at home and must deal with constant interruptions. The point is that every life situation presents challenges that can be dealt with successfully if you have effective attitudes and skills.

  Being a stay-at-home parent offers many rewards for both parents and their youngsters. So do the experiences available in quality childcare programs. Neither scenario guarantees magical outcomes, positive or negative.

  WORK AND CHILDCARE: WHAT ARE THEY?

  Parents work in the home and out of the home all the time. Brian is an editor for a local newspaper and brings two-year-old Jason to a childcare center near his office. Mary Beth puts together the weekly church newsletter, spending two mornings a week at the church office while her son plays with other children during the women’s Bible study playgroup. Both of these parents work. (Volunteers are working parents, too.)

  Childcare refers to more than just home- or center-based programs. Grandma takes care of baby Lori while Mom volunteers as a reading tutor at her oldest daughter’s elementary school. Every morning when Eli leaves for his job as a clerk at the city courthouse, he takes his infant son to the neighbor’s house, where his neighbor watches her own infant, Eli’s son, and several older children who arrive after school every day. Jean entertains her younger brother after returning home from high school each afternoon so their father can process tax returns in his home-based accountant’s office upstairs. Childcare has many faces.

  The definition of “working parent” refers to more than those who are paid for work outside the home, who use providers other than family members, or who work for more than a few hours each week. In fact, moms and dads do all kinds of work, and their children experience all kinds of childcare.

  CHILDCARE: A GLOBAL PERSPECTIVE

  Over the course of time, few cultures have expected mothers to stay home all alone to care for tiny children. Most often, children have been cared for by older siblings, aunts, and nearby or resident grandparents.

  The popular phrase “It takes a village to raise a child” comes from rural Africa. In this context, the “village” is a child’s blood relatives, neighbors, and community or tribal members. East Indian families typically contain several generations in one household. In many Asian countries, a woman moves in with their husband’s family when they marry. In Native American culture, it is traditional for children to be raised by many “aunties,” some not related by blood at all. In all these cultures, children receive care from an extended family of friends and relatives. They might view our belief that mothers and fathers should raise children without outside advice or help as a form of insanity!

  CHOICES

  Take a moment to read the stories of some of the parents who bring their children to childcare facilities.

  Stephanie is grateful that a childcare facility is located in the hospital where she works. Her son will be six months old next week and the proximity of the childcare center makes it possible for Stephanie to continue nursing him, something that is very important to her. She hurries downstairs on her breaks and lunch hour, eager to cuddle with her son. Stephanie was not married when she became pregnant, and the baby’s father does not support her or their son, but Stephanie chose to continue her pregnancy and raise her son as a single parent. Divorce, single parenthood, and even military deployment may leave few options for a man or woman raising a child without a partner, but Stephanie is devoted to her son and works hard to provide him with a loving home.

  Roger and Jennifer both work at the same hospital as Stephanie does. Jennifer tried staying home with three-year-old Todd but found she missed the stimulation of her job. The harder she tried to be a stay-at-home mom, the more discouraged she felt—and the angrier she became when Todd misbehaved. Perhaps, she worried, she just wasn’t meant to be a full-time mom. She and Roger love Todd dearly; Jennifer discovered, however, that she became a much better parent when she wasn’t cranky and irritable from being isolated all day with an active toddler. She struggles with guilt, but she and Roger truly believe that Todd is happier and healthier at the childcare center, climbing on the equipment and playing with his many friends. Jennifer thrives at her job and is enjoying being Todd’s mother far more than she used to.

  Tyneesha, on the other hand, has two children who do not go to childcare. The children share a bedroom so that the spare room can be rented to a college student. The rental income makes it possible for Tyneesha to stay at home with four-month-old Erica and three-year-old Micah. Tyneesha’s husband works at the shipyard in town. His commute takes an hour each day, but homes located closer to the harbor are out of their price range. The long days wear Tyneesha out and sometimes the demands of her two youngsters make her want to scream. On other days, her heart melts just looking at them and she offers prayers of thanksgiving for this time she gets to spend with them.

  Stay-at-home parents find that one-on-one daily contact with an infant, toddler, or preschooler includes magical moments of discovery, tender times of sharing, and precious memories for both parent and child. Staying home also means moments of despair when toilets overflow from being fed whole rolls of toilet paper by a curious toddler, episodes of hysterics when a preschooler’s screeching wakes up his sleeping baby sister, or feeling helpless when a defiant toddler throws his blocks across the room after refusing to pick them up. Working parents experience these same moments. In fact, these aspects of early childhood will happen no matter what shape your life takes.

  Many parents want nothing more than to stay at home with their babies. In a perfect world, that choice would be possible for everyone—but in the real world, harsh reality intervenes. Parents who choose to stay at home to raise a child, to forgo career and financial rewards, or to accept a simpler lifestyle, deserve recognition, respect, and support. Those who work deserve the same. The issue is not whether you agree with your neighbor’s choice but whether you have made the best choice for yourself and for your children. Choosing to work or stay home is a complicated decision, and there is rarely a simple “right” or “wrong” answer. You must face your own reality and make the best decisions you can.

  THE NEW EXTENDED FAMILY

  For many of us, it has become increasingly rare to live near extended family who are willing and able to care for our children. Today’s childcare programs may take on the role of the historic extended family, including such events as potluck dinners where parents can get to know one another and share stories. When this happens, childcare supports both connection and community.

  Families need the support of many people when raising young children, and the staff of a quality childcare program can provide knowledge, experience, and information.

  When Ellen’s daughter was diagnosed with asthma, the teacher at her daughter’s center provided reassurance and recommended a support group for families whose children had similar problems.

  Janell has few friends with young children. Her
own daughter, Hanna, arrived only a few weeks ago after more than a year of paperwork, delays, and waiting lists; Hanna turned four months old on her adoption day. Janell is a single parent who needs to work, and the childcare center has proven invaluable as a source of support for her newly formed family. Other families at the childcare center provide the sense of community, sibling-like relationships, and social gatherings that Janell and Hanna need. Several other children at the center were adopted, and one of them comes from the same country as Hanna. This child’s family quickly formed a close bond with Janell and Hanna, with the two families planning get-togethers and supporting each other as they and their new infants get to know one another.

  Stay-at-home parents also need support. The absence of a nearby extended family may create isolation for those at home. Even if they have family nearby, parents need encouragement, social contact, and support.

  BENEFITS OF CHILDCARE: EARLY INTERVENTION AND CONSISTENCY

  Quality childcare goes beyond simply providing a place for children to be cared for in a parent’s absence. Screening and early intervention, consistency during times of change, and the extended family support previously mentioned are wonderful ways in which childcare programs can enhance the quality of children’s lives.

  Bailey gets bussed every afternoon to childcare. Each morning, he participates in a special program for youngsters with a variety of developmental delays. Bailey’s mom, Shirley, had wondered why he seemed to have such a hard time learning new skills. Being a first-time mom, Shirley assumed her own lack of experience caused her to worry needlessly about Bailey, but only a few weeks after Bailey began attending his childcare, the director asked to meet with Shirley. The program’s initial screening raised concerns about Bailey’s development. Together, the center and Shirley sought outside help. Shirley and the staff were right to feel concerned. Bailey was delayed in motor, speech, and other communication skills. Specific problems were identified, and a few months later Bailey was admitted to a special morning program at the university. Without the center’s experienced staff, caring support, and knowledge, Shirley might not have gotten Bailey the early intervention he needed.

  Early intervention is more effective in helping children with delays “catch up” than intervention provided when children are older. (See the Resources section for a link to the free CDC milestones checklists.) Screening and assessment, along with the experience and training of skilled caregivers, offer opportunities to identify children and families in need of special assistance. Not all care providers offer such screenings. Still, if your child’s teacher or caregiver expresses concerns about any aspect of your child’s development, it may be wise to pursue the matter. Consistency and stability are also crucial.

  Kyle’s parents have filed for divorce. He now sees his dad only on weekends. He and his mom have moved into an apartment, and she has to work longer hours than before. The only thing that remains unchanged in Kyle’s life is his childcare center. Kyle sees the same faces every morning, recognizes the circle songs, and knows that snack time comes just after story time. With everything else in his life shifting like quicksand, he feels safe, secure, and reassured at his childcare center.

  Even when family circumstances change—a new sibling, or the illness of a family member—the routines and familiarity of childcare can provide stability, support, and consistency in a child’s life.

  FINDING QUALITY CHILDCARE

  We’ve talked about parents who work, by choice or necessity, and those who stay at home. But no matter their situation and choices, for almost all parents some form of outside care, even babysitting or time spent in a nursery during church services, is a fact of life. We’ve discussed the benefits of quality childcare, but what about care that is less than ideal? Obviously, not all childcare is created equal—and not all of it benefits children. How can parents know that they’re leaving their little ones in competent, qualified hands? What makes for quality childcare?

  First, be sure that the person you leave your child with can be trusted. A new boyfriend or girlfriend may not be the person you want to care for your child, no matter how much in love you may be. A babysitter should supply references so parents can talk to people who know her well. Even in group settings, having at least two people in charge provides a measure of accountability.

  If you are one of the many parents who need to find regular care for their child, you need to consider a number of factors. Don’t be in a rush to choose; take time to visit different childcare programs. What do you see? Are the children happy? Do they move around the center confidently? Does a caregiver get down on the child’s eye level to talk with him? Is the artwork displayed low enough for children to see it, or only at adult eye level? Is the building clean? Are there visible safety hazards? Do the caregivers look cheerful or frazzled? (Do remember that even the best teachers can have tough days!) Is there enough equipment to offer a variety of activities for art projects, role-playing, building, outdoor climbing, sand and water play? Does the equipment provided allow children to play freely, to come in contact with nature, and to be physically active? Or are children expected to be quiet, stay indoors, and “be good”? Are they confined to infant seats or parked in front of a television?

  Find out if the program is licensed, and by whom. Does the center pass city licensing requirements, health department codes, and fire safety requirements? Some areas have local childcare resource and referral agencies to aid in this process. Affordability is a factor for most parents, but choosing childcare should not involve bargain hunting. Children—all children—are worth our investment.

  WHY CARE ABOUT QUALITY CARE?

  If you are a parent in a family that doesn’t need outside care, you may feel that issues of establishing and funding quality childcare programs are not relevant to you. The truth is that the type of care, quality or otherwise, that any child receives affects everyone.

  The historic High/Scope Perry Preschool Study Through Age 40 found that adults who had participated in “quality” early care programs went on to achieve higher school test scores and had higher rates of high school graduation than those children who had not received “quality” early care experiences. The children in the programs identified as “quality” care were also less likely to be involved in crime as adults, and averaged far more in annual earnings. Many other studies have also verified benefits of quality childcare, ranging from social and emotional learning to academic advantages.

  Findings such as these remind us of how deep the roots of our early experiences are. What happens to children in and out of childcare affects the type of society and world all our children will someday share.

  QUALITY CHILDCARE: HOW CAN I TELL?

  Looking at lists of characteristics and requirements for quality childcare can feel overwhelming. You may be wondering how you will ever know if the facility you are considering meets these standards. There is a relatively simple solution: ask. Childcare is an important decision, and your confidence as a parent will influence your child’s comfort with and response to her new setting. Don’t hesitate to ask for all the information you need to make an educated decision. If a center or provider seems reluctant to answer your questions or to allow you to observe personnel in action, it’s wise to look elsewhere.

  CHILDCARE CHECKLIST

  Identify quality childcare using the following indicators.

  1. The center or home has:

  • Current licenses displayed

  • A low rate of staff turnover

  • Local, state, and/or national accreditation

  2. The staff is:

  • Well-trained in early childhood development and care

  • Working as a team

  • Staying up-to-date through training programs

  • Adequately paid

  3. The curriculum emphasizes:

  • A balance of age-appropriate academics and play (and an understanding that in early childhood, play and social skills are the most important lessons
a child will learn)

  • Social skills—lots of interaction with children and staff

  • Exploring through the senses, with access to nature

  • Problem solving (with equipment and with other children)

  4. Discipline is:

  • Nonpunitive

  • Kind and firm at the same time

  • Designed to help children learn important life skills

  5. Consistency shows:

  • In the curriculum

  • In the way problems are handled

  • In routines the children can count on

  • In day-to-day center management

  6. Safety is demonstrated by the:

  • Physical setting

  • Program health policies

  • Preparedness for emergencies

  Copy this checklist and take it with you when you visit prospective childcare facilities. It contains the information you’ll need to know in order to make an educated choice for your child.

  THE FACILITY

  Most states or cities require centers and homes to meet a variety of licensing requirements. Many also have a Quality Rating System with a score assigned to centers to help families judge quality. Seeing licenses posted tells you the requirements have been met. You may want to ask if a center uses an assessment system such as CLASS Toddler,1 which measures the emotional climate in a classroom, the teacher’s sensitivity, and the appropriateness of learning and language. (The CLASS tool was researched for more than ten years. It is used by Head Start as well as many teacher-training programs around the country. You can learn more at http://teachstone.com/the-class-system/.)