Positive Discipline- the First Three Years

by Jane Nelsen

  Centers with low staff turnover indicate that staff members are well-treated, receive fair compensation, enjoy their work, and feel supported by the center’s administration. When staff members do not receive a living wage, they go elsewhere, which creates inconsistency in the center and hampers your child’s ability to form a supportive attachment to her caregivers.

  Look for special licensing. These will vary by state. There are also national licensing organizations, such as NAEYC (National Association for the Education of Young Children) and NAC (National Accreditation Commission for Early Care and Education Programs). The fact that a center obtains licensing and/or accreditation demonstrates a commitment to accountability.

  THE STAFF

  Training and experience make it more likely that caregivers understand the needs of young children, provide activities that meet those needs, and have developmentally appropriate expectations. Educated, experienced caregivers plus low turnover create a winning situation for everyone involved.

  Look for the types of training that staff members receive. Doctors, stock market analysts, childcare teachers—all must stay knowledgeable about current information in their fields. Do staff members at the center you’re considering attend workshops? Are there in-house training programs, or are employees encouraged to take part in additional educational programs? Is there a statewide registry that tracks continuing education and verifies that teachers are staying current with information about what toddlers need? Teachers deserve the opportunity to learn about new research, get inspired by and reminded of basic concepts, and feel encouraged when they hear others share solutions to common dilemmas. Are there special training requirements? Montessori, Reggio Emilia, and Waldorf programs have specialized training curricula for their teachers. Community college, undergraduate, and master’s level degree programs in early childhood studies exist in most states.

  Look for harmony. When there is discord at a center, the children feel it. Remember, young children can read the energy of the adults around them, and they respond to what they sense. Centers that encourage cooperation—between children and staff members—model the value of teamwork. Look for regularly scheduled staff meetings, in-house communication tools, and camaraderie among staff members.2

  Is there a written discipline policy? In what manner are problems handled? Are there texts on discipline recommended by the center? Are regular parenting classes or programs available? Ask what teachers do about a child who hits, bites, or grabs toys. Find out if teachers receive training in how to deal with problems that arise.

  Does the center condone spanking? Many states still allow corporal punishment or exempt some programs, especially church-based ones, from bans on corporal punishment. This is extremely important, especially in these vulnerable early years. Even if you approve of spanking (and by now you know we do not), please be aware of the extra fragility of very young children. Shaking a baby can lead to death, and an adult’s strength can turn an intended swat from mild to bone-cracking in a heartbeat.

  Is the attitude at the center positive or punitive? Are children being shown what to do, or repeatedly reprimanded about what not to do? It is important to find childcare where discipline is neither punitive nor permissive. Trained childcare staff know how to deal with problems in a kind and firm manner that also teaches valuable life skills such as cooperation, problem solving, and language. (Remember, children do not yet know which words they need, so the willingness to coach children in verbalizing and resolving problems is important.)

  Watch how teachers talk with children:

  • Does the teacher get down to the child’s eye level when talking to him, or do teachers yell instructions across the room?

  • Do teachers speak to children in a respectful way? Do they engage in conversation with the children, or are their comments merely functional (“Put away the toys,” “Sit down,” or “Clean up your snack mess”)?

  • Are boundaries made clear, or does a teacher giggle uncomfortably when children run up and slam into her?

  • Do teachers follow through? For instance, does a teacher call out to a child “Put down that stick!” and then proceed to chat with a coworker while the child brandishes the stick overhead? Or does the teacher walk over and calmly remove the stick after giving the child a moment or two to put it down himself?

  • Are the teachers focused on the children, or do they spend their time talking with each other?

  The best childcare emphasizes respect, kindness and firmness, and encouragement—just as you do at home.

  CURRICULUM

  There is a growing tendency for parents to seek childcare centers that offer academics such as reading, writing, and arithmetic. This is of concern to many early childhood experts, and you should know why.

  Kathryn Hirsh-Pasek, Ph.D., director of the Temple University Infant Language Laboratory and coauthor of Einstein Never Used Flash Cards: How Children Really Learn—and Why They Need to Play More and Memorize Less, conducted a research project in which 120 four-year-olds in a middle-class Philadelphia suburb were followed as they progressed through kindergarten and first grade. The research confirmed that the children who attended academic preschools did know more numbers and letters than the children who went to play-oriented preschools. By age five, however, the kids from the play-oriented preschools had caught up, while those who had attended academic preschools felt less positive about school.

  It is wise to pay attention to the presence of screens in any home or program you consider for your child’s care. Children need unhurried, child-directed time to play and talk with caring adults. Rows of computers and televisions may prompt you to ask whether this setting favors screen time over human interaction. You can then decide based on what you believe is most important.

  Be wary of pushing your child to learn academic and technological skills too early. The key is to follow your child’s interests. It is unlikely that you are pushing if your child is asking to learn. Some three-year-olds find counting or using a pencil interesting. Some may teach themselves to read, or beg to play the violin. Regardless of the setting or curriculum, be sure there are lots of hands-on experiences. Look for children pouring equal amounts of water into two matching cups rather than coloring a graph of a circle divided in two. Make sure children have lots of objects to count, instead of merely tracing numbers on worksheets. And, of course, look for ways that nature is included in the curriculum and environment.

  CONSISTENCY

  Consistency in the curriculum means that certain activities are provided regularly. Show-and-tell, daily story time, and singing are examples. Children thrive on routine at their care facility as well as at home. Consistency also means that learning objectives exist and are implemented. Contrast a well-defined program to a place where children are given some old egg cartons to cut up, plopped down in front of the same container of blocks every morning, or left to watch endless videos and television programs. In the context of a clear curriculum, some of these activities may be fine. Just be sure that the program values hands-on learning, healthy activity, and developmental growth—not just silence and obedience.

  Is there consistency from teacher to teacher or class to class in the way problems are handled? Does one teacher refuse to allow children to help prepare snacks while another turns snack time into a yogurt finger-painting free-for-all?

  Centers with consistent programs encourage children to develop trust, initiative, and a healthy sense of autonomy. If these tasks are important at home, they must also be important where your child will spend so much of his time. Consistency begins with center management.

  In addition, you should examine the way a childcare facility operates on a daily basis. Here are some questions to consider:

  • Are expectations of the children, the staff, and the parents made clear?

  • Are events well-organized?

  • Do finances get handled in a businesslike manner?

  SAFETY

  Safety includes th
e physical setting, the program health policies, and the emergency preparedness of the center. A program with exposed electrical cords, unimpeded access to a laundry cupboard, or broken-down play equipment does not provide an environment safe for little ones. Leaving your child in the care of other people each day requires faith and vigilance.

  Watching a teacher wipe down the changing table with bleach solution after every diaper change reassures Keith that his son will not be exposed to dangerous bacteria. Seeing the center staff load the blocks into the dishwasher each evening gives Marnie peace of mind when she sees her toddler handling those same blocks the following morning. Kenneth and Robert visit their daughter’s center and see the staff and children participating in a fire drill. They are impressed with the level of competence shown at the center—and it gets them thinking about the need to develop their own emergency plan at home.

  Find out if staff members have current CPR and first-aid training and HIV/AIDS training. Under what conditions will sick children be sent home? Look for fire safety procedures and earthquake or other emergency preparedness. (Like Kenneth and Robert, you may decide you want to acquire these skills yourself.) Ask how injuries are handled. Reassure yourself that the adults in this place know how to care for your child under a variety of circumstances.

  TRUST YOURSELF—AND GET INVOLVED!

  Only you can decide what your needs as a family really are. If you decide there is a need for outside care, use the guidelines listed above to find the best possible place to entrust with the care of your little one. Take time to visit a program. That is the only way you can see if they practice what they preach, and the only way you can observe how comfortable your child is in the environment. Give your child time to make connections.3 Of course, many children cling to their parents in a strange environment and do fine when their parents leave, but an extended visit lets you know how your child will be treated. Be sure to stay involved and tuned in; if at all possible, make occasional visits to the childcare center to reassure yourself that all is well.

  No center or staff is ever perfect. If there are changes or improvements you would like to see made at your center, work toward bringing them about, support your program’s efforts, and recognize the caregivers as a valuable extended family, part of your child-rearing team. You might even offer the director or caregiver a copy of this book, or volunteer to begin a Positive Discipline parenting group.

  Above all, give up your guilt button. Whether you care for your infant or toddler at home or entrust her to a center, you are likely to have some mixed emotions. Pay attention, make choices as wisely as you can, then relax and trust your choices. All children will inherit this earth—no matter where they took their naps, got cuddled, or first discovered Curious George. Knowledge and awareness will help you give your children everything they need during their important first three years of life.

  QUESTIONS TO PONDER

  1. Make a copy of the Childcare Checklist provided in this chapter.

  2. Bring it with you when you visit programs and use it to guide your questions and observations.

  3. Come up with a similar checklist for finding caregivers for other group events, such as a church Sunday school, summer play group, or special event (birthday, wedding, or other party). Create a checklist for choosing a babysitter. Share these lists with your friends; offer feedback to one another and improve upon them as you see fit.

  4. Do some journaling about your own feelings toward childcare or being a stay-at-home parent. Are you comfortable and confident about the decisions you’ve made? Do you feel guilty for leaving your child in care? For staying home and not working? How might resolving your own feelings improve your child’s experience?

  1 See Classroom Assessment Scoring System (Toddler) by Karen LaParo, Bridget Hamre, and Robert Pianta (Baltimore: Brookes Publishing, 2012).

  2 For more information on childcare, staff, and discipline, see Positive Discipline for Childcare Providers, by Jane Nelsen and Cheryl Erwin (Harmony, 2010).

  3 Love, Longing, L’Inserimento, a reprint from Roslyn Duffy’s “From a Parent’s Perspective” column, addresses this connection (www.childcareexchange.com).

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  IF YOUR CHILD HAS SPECIAL NEEDS

  Every new parent counts toes and fingers, compares his child’s development with others, and worries about anything that seems unexpected. If you have concerns about your child’s growth or development, you should take them seriously and ask your pediatrician or community health nurse to check them out. Early identification and intervention are the best tools for supporting a child who has special needs.

  Rosemary noticed that her four-month-old daughter, Angela, did not wave at her crib mobile the way her friend’s son did. She also thought that Angela seemed to turn her eyes inward at times. At first Rosemary told herself she was imagining things. Then she decided to have Angela’s eyes checked at the local clinic, just for her own peace of mind. Rosemary doubted that it was possible to treat an infant’s eyes, but to her surprise, Angela was diagnosed with strabismus, or crossed eyes, and within two weeks was fitted with special, tiny eyeglasses.

  This early intervention probably saved Angela’s vision. Untreated crossed eyes can result in a loss of vision in one of the eyes, but early intervention solved the problem. Angela, now in grade school, sees beautifully and no longer needs glasses of any kind. Other parents have discovered (after having the courage to insist on more thorough medical checkups) that what might have been dismissed as “colic” was in fact severe pain in the ears that could be corrected. One mother found that her infant stopped crying when she stopped putting him to bed in “footed” pajamas. As he grew older, it became apparent that he had sensory processing disorder, a condition that interferes with the brain’s ability to integrate information from the senses and often leads to communication and behavioral problems; he benefited a great deal from occupational therapy.

  Sharing the Attention

  Q: I have three boys. My oldest turns six in March, the next will be four in February, and my youngest just turned two. The oldest and youngest of my boys are profoundly deaf. My problem, however, lies with my middle child. He is a very bright child who has been sandwiched between two siblings who require special attention. As a result, he has taken on responsibilities beyond his age. In the last month, however, he has become defiant. He whines all the time when he doesn’t get his way, and he has become somewhat withdrawn. I have racked my brain trying to find out what is different in our lives or daily routines, or anything that would account for this change. I know he receives a different type of attention than his brothers, but he does not receive any less attention. Is there something I’m missing? Do you have any suggestions? Or is this just a phase, and it, too, shall pass? Please, any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

  A: It takes a great deal of patience and sensitivity to raise children with special needs, particularly when you have more than one. Children are wonderful perceivers (they notice everything) but they are not good interpreters, and often believe that the special therapies, doctor appointments, and treatment that their special-needs siblings receive indicate more parental love and attention. Attention isn’t just a matter of quantity—it’s a matter of the beliefs that children form about how much they (and their siblings) receive, and what that tells them about their own place in the family.

  While children develop at different paces emotionally as well as physically, three- and four-year-olds are often experimenting with what we call “initiative”—forming their own plans, wanting to do things their own way, and, occasionally, practicing by becoming defiant or whining.

  Some of this will indeed pass, but here are some suggestions to try in the meantime:

  • Routines. If you don’t already have them, create routines for morning, evening, off to school, and so on. Each child can have special tasks that he performs, and once the routine is in place (a big chart can help), the routine becomes the “boss.” It’s wonderful that your m
iddle son wants to help and be responsible, but children sometimes make themselves overresponsible in an effort to earn love and belonging.

  • Relief. Because your son is bright and all children are naturally egocentric at that age, he may feel responsible somehow for being the only hearing child in his family; he may actually feel guilty for being able to hear, without being able to understand or express that feeling. Make sure he knows it’s okay just to be a kid, and that his brothers’ deafness is not about him.

  • Connection. It may help to set aside special time with each child, time that you spend just with him. This doesn’t mean spending money or huge chunks of time—fifteen minutes to go for a walk, throw a ball, or read a story is usually all it takes. One dad used bath time as his chance to sit and visit with each of his twin sons, one at a time. During your special time, ask your middle son to share his happiest and saddest times of the day; be prepared to listen well and to share your own. The keys to his behavior lie in what he believes about himself and his place in the family. Let each child know how much you value this time with him, and be sure you set aside time in your busy week for special moments to happen.

  Many special needs can be discovered by thorough medical exams or when parents ask questions about what they notice. (And sometimes babies do have colic that just takes time to outgrow.)1

  Speech, hearing, and vision problems are all common in young children. These problems can and should be treated as soon as possible. A child with frequent ear infections does not hear sounds consistently and his developing speech patterns may suffer. If you are unable to understand a child at all by the age of two and a half, consider getting a speech evaluation from a qualified speech therapist. Early speech therapy often provides excellent results.