Positive Discipline- the First Three Years

by Jane Nelsen

  The teachers at Aaron’s preschool were frustrated. He did not seem to listen to them at all. One day his teacher tried an experiment. She stood behind Aaron, out of sight, and rang a small bell. All the other children turned in her direction. Aaron did not. Then she whispered his name. Again there was no response. The teacher urged Aaron’s mom to seek a hearing evaluation. As it turned out, Aaron had a partial hearing impairment. He received treatment, and his teachers learned to make eye contact before speaking to him. Not surprisingly, his behavior improved at once.

  Remember, an advantage of early education programs for young children is routine screenings by public health nurses or other community or school personnel. These can identify problems that might otherwise go unnoticed. Whatever the concern, parents need to trust their own instincts and seek help when worried about a child’s health or development. The possibility of their child having special needs frightens most parents, but early diagnosis and intervention will give you confidence that you are doing everything your child needs to grow and learn.

  If your child has a special need, be aware that respectful, encouraging Positive Discipline skills will be extremely helpful in coping with the challenges you may face together. Eating, sleep, social skills, and the development of capability all can be quite different for a child with special needs. Build a strong support network, ask for help when you need it, trust your wisdom and common sense, and encourage your child to do as much for herself as she can. These tools will help you and your child develop a sense of capability and confidence.

  Abuse Awareness

  Jennifer was three when she began having problems at childcare. She bit and hit children and adults, yelled and disrupted group times, and ran away instead of coming inside from the play yard when asked to do so. Her caregivers used positive time-outs, were kind and firm, and tried to gain her cooperation by allowing her to climb and run in the play yard for longer periods of time. They met with her mother and asked if the same problems were occurring at home. Her mother said they were. Jennifer’s behavior continued to worsen, both at school and at home. It wasn’t until her mother consulted a counselor that the possibility of sexual abuse by a family member surfaced. Child Protective Services was contacted, the person suspected of the abuse was identified, and contact with him stopped. Over time, with counseling and support, Jennifer became calmer and her behavior gradually improved.

  Clearly, not every child who has behavior problems is a victim of abuse. As scary as the possibility of abuse is—and it is very scary—adults are the only ones who can protect vulnerable children. Be sure you stay connected to your child and take her behavior seriously. Always ask for help if you need it.

  CRISIS SITUATIONS

  Crises and emergencies can come about at any time. Floods, fire, hurricanes, violence, terrorism, and even war strike unexpectedly and can cause anxiety and stress for adults and children alike. Still, even in terrible circumstances, children can find comfort if parents and caregivers focus on creating a sense of belonging, and on monitoring their environment. Establishing routines, limiting media exposure, and offering calm and loving reassurance can make all the difference.

  MEETING THE NEEDS OF CAREGIVERS

  In order to be calm and loving during difficult times, you must take care of yourself. Take whatever steps are needed to address the situation. Once you ensure that children are safe, seek help for yourself. Work on your own coping skills. Allow yourself time to process your feelings. Take time to cry. This is true for all caregivers, as well as for parents.

  Accept a child’s feelings, too. Do not try to reason these feelings away. Resilience develops as a result of dealing with adversity—not evading it. You can do what is required, find the strength and support you need, and increase the chances you and your child will survive this difficult time.

  No matter what special circumstances your child may face, he will always need a sense of belonging and self-worth, the opportunity to make a contribution to those around him, and compassionate connection with caring adults.

  Caregiving in a Crisis

  Caregivers are able to provide important support in crisis situations. Whether the trauma results from a medical procedure, family changes, or an outside event, here are some suggestions for parents or caregivers that may be helpful:

  • Hands On: Providing art supplies for drawing or clay to shape and squeeze may offer a way for a child to process what has happened, and to release tension.

  • Empowerment: It is important to give children the means to make a contribution, if possible. This can be as simple as helping to carry bottles of water or snacks to others or holding a packaged bandage to hand to a nurse. Doing something to help others diminishes a child’s feelings of helplessness and increases coping skills and resilience.

  QUESTIONS TO PONDER

  1. If you have concerns about a child’s development, write them down. Wait a week or two and look at what you have written. Do you still feel concerned about what you have written? If so, schedule an appointment with your pediatrician or childcare provider to discuss your concerns.

  2. If your child has been diagnosed with a special need, how does that change the way you see your relationship with him? How will you care for yourself so you can provide the support and services your child will need?

  1 For more information, see Positive Discipline for Children with Special Needs, by Jane Nelsen, Steven Foster, and Arlene Raphael (New York: Three Rivers Press, 2012).

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  GROWING AS A FAMILY

  Finding Support, Resources, and Sanity

  No matter how sweet-tempered your new baby, and no matter how delighted you are to be a parent, these first months and years can be challenging. Parents staying at home with a new baby often find that the job isn’t exactly what they expected. Long nights punctuated by endless feedings and diaper changes can numb even the most devoted mom or dad. Your partner may find blow-by-blow descriptions of your baby’s bowel movements enthralling, but many people will not. After a while, most parents long for a real adult conversation, a movie, or an hour or two of solitude.

  Many parents of young children are tempted to blurt out, “Talk to me!” to anyone who wanders by, and with good reason. It is essential for new parents to seek out support through the early weeks and months of parenting. Connection with other adults nourishes new parents and, through them, their children and families.

  LEARNING FROM THE WISDOM OF OTHERS

  While people seldom agree on every detail of raising infants and children, building a support network—a circle of friends who’ve been there—provides an invaluable source of information about raising and living with children. Make an effort to build relationships with folks who have children the same age as yours, or who have recently experienced the stage your child is going through. Don’t be afraid to ask lots of questions. Finding out that other people’s children have done the same strange or appalling things that your child does can help you relax.

  Options include church- or community-based parent and child groups, parenting classes, La Leche League, online support groups or other social media connections, and friendships with other parents.1 One successful model is PEPS (the Program for Early Parent Support), a community-based program that began in the Pacific Northwest. PEPS groups form right after a baby’s birth and consist of people whose babies are born within days or weeks of one another. These families meet regularly in each other’s homes or in family centers. There is also a special program for teen parents. The goal is to reduce isolation and create a network of support, resources, and encouragement.2 Another popular group is Mothers of Preschoolers,3 which offers get-togethers and parenting support through neighborhood churches. You may be able to search online for similar programs in your area. If there are none, consider initiating one of your own. Consult your pediatrician, too. Family doctors see and hear a great deal as they go about the business of helping young patients and parents. They can often provide support as well as pr
actical information and advice.

  Some parents have started “book study groups,” where they get together and take turns discussing the concepts in this and other Positive Discipline books and work together on how to use Positive Discipline tools. Many parents and caregivers have also attended “Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline Way” workshops so they could learn to facilitate parenting classes, knowing that teaching (and having the courage to be imperfect) is the best way to learn.4 For caregivers, Exchange Press offers many excellent resources, including parenting and teaching support and international connections.5

  Still, there’s nothing like real, live people. If you can, find a parenting group for parents of young children. Perhaps your parenting group, with dinner out beforehand, can be part of a night out with your partner. However you arrange it, having a sympathetic group with whom to discuss problems, ask questions, and explore the mysteries of raising young children can make all the difference in the world.

  No matter where you find support, however, remember that in the end you must decide what feels right for you and your child. Gather all the wisdom and advice you can, then listen to your heart before you choose what will work best for you.

  REFILLING THE PITCHER

  Q: I am a young mother with three children who are younger than five years of age. They are my greatest joy and I dearly love being a mother! Lately, though, I’m really overwhelmed. My husband works long hours and attends evening school. I do the housekeeping, work part-time, pay the bills, take care of business, and raise the children. They are nice, talented kids (I’m a little subjective, of course!), but they are all, more or less, what you call strong-willed children. I feel like I’m pulled in so many directions, and no matter what I do, it’s never enough.

  From the minute I wake up until late at night, I never get more than a minute to myself. I’m always tired and sick, and I get terrible headaches. The bottom line is that I’ve been losing my temper a lot lately. Then I’m even more upset because I feel so guilty. I’ve read so many books and magazines, and I understand and agree with Positive Discipline in theory. No offense, but usually the examples and ideas seem so far removed from my real life that it just makes me more depressed.

  A: What’s wrong with the picture you describe? You are not working part-time or even full-time, but overtime! The person you are not taking care of is you—and everyone suffers because of it. It is easy to get so busy with all of life’s “shoulds” that your own needs get shoved not only to the back burner but completely off the stove. The best thing you can give to your family is a calm, rested you.

  Consider getting a high school student to help with the housework. Be creative if money is short; perhaps you can barter something. Trade babysitting hours with someone else so you can go for a walk, take a yoga class, or get in a swim and sauna at the local Y once or twice a week. Your family will notice the difference, and of course, so will you.

  Being a parent is a great deal like pouring water from a pitcher: You can only pour out so many glasses without refilling the pitcher. All too often, parents and other caregivers suddenly realize they’ve poured themselves dry for their children and the pitcher is empty. Effective, loving parenting takes a lot of time and energy. You can’t do your best when your pitcher is empty, when you’re tired, cranky, stressed-out, and overwhelmed.

  How do you refill the pitcher? Taking care of yourself—filling up your pitcher before it runs dry—can take any form. If you find yourself daydreaming in a quiet moment about all the things you’d like to do, that may be a clue that you should consider ways to take care of yourself.

  Caring for Yourself

  It is important to take care of yourself as well as you take care of your child. Consider the following ideas:

  • Budget time wisely.

  • Make lists.

  • Make time for important relationships.

  • Do the things you enjoy—regularly.

  • Avoid overscheduling.

  Budget Time Wisely

  Most parents find that they must adjust their priorities after the arrival of a child. It can be extremely helpful (and quite a revelation) to keep track for a few days of exactly how you spend your time. Some activities, such as work, school, or tasks directly related to raising your children, can’t be changed much. But many parents spend a great deal of time on activities that are not truly among their top priorities.

  For instance, if you’re often up during the night with an infant or young child, make an effort to nap when your child naps. It is tempting to fly around the house doing all that “should” get done, but cleaning the bathroom and dusting the furniture will wait for you; you’ll be happier and more effective if you take a nap instead.

  Time is precious and all too short when you share your life with young children; be sure you’re spending the time you do have as wisely as you can.

  Make Lists

  In a quiet moment, list all the things you’d like to do (or wish you could get around to). Then, when your child is napping or with a caregiver, spend those precious hours working your way down your list. Be sure you include not just chores and duties but activities that nurture you, like curling up with a good book, soaking in the tub, or having a cozy telephone chat with a friend.

  Another option is to make a list of no more than three or four tasks, and then do all of them. You will end the day feeling encouraged by your success. Everyone does better when they feel better.

  Make Time for Important Relationships

  It’s amazing how therapeutic a simple cup of tea with a good friend can be, and sometimes a vigorous game of racquetball can restore a positive perspective on life. Conversation with caring adults can refresh you, especially when your world is populated with energetic little people. You and your partner may trade time watching the children so each of you has time for friends, or you may choose to spend special time together with other couples whose company you enjoy. A “date night” out together should be on your list as well. Meeting friends at the park can give parents and children time to recharge and play together. Keeping your world wide enough to include people outside your family will help you retain your health and balance.

  Do the Things You Enjoy—Regularly

  It is important that you find time for the things that make you feel alive and happy, whether it’s riding your bicycle, playing softball, singing with a choir, tinkering with machinery, working in the garden, or designing a quilt. Hobbies and exercise are important for your mental and emotional health, and you’ll be a far more patient and effective parent if you’re investing time and energy in your own well-being. Yes, finding time for these things can be a problem, and it is tempting to tell yourself, “I’ll get around to that later.” All too often, though, “later” never arrives. Even twenty minutes a day for something you love is a good beginning.

  Here are some suggestions:

  • Read a chapter of a book before getting out of bed.

  • Spend fifteen minutes sketching or knitting while your child plays nearby, before beginning dinner cleanup or bedtime routines.

  • Take a walk during your lunch hour or sit quietly beside a sunny window while your little one naps, rather than checking the day’s e-mail.

  • Take a relaxing bath before bed. Ask your partner to alternate your child’s bedtime routine with you so you have time for this at least every other day.

  Self-care really isn’t optional, because without it, everyone suffers. Parents often see taking time for themselves as “selfish.” Nothing could be less true. Trust us: Your children will survive without constant attention from you. In fact, they’ll thrive all the more with healthy, well-supported parents. Children sense emotional energy; exhaustion and resentment will not help your child grow, and may drain the joy out of family life for all of you.

  Avoid Overscheduling

  Most parents do all they can to provide a rich and stimulating environment for their young children. After all, they’re learning
and develop ing important skills during these early years. Many young children find themselves enrolled in a surprising number of groups, often before the age of two or three. There are baby gymnastic groups and baby swim classes. There are preschools and playgroups. There are even music and educational classes for toddlers. Parents often discover that they are living in their vehicles, rushing their children from one activity to another. While these activities can be enjoyable and stimulating for a young child, it is wise to limit the number you sign up for. Researchers have noted that time for families to relax and just “hang out” together has become scarce; everyone is busy rushing off to the next important activity, and relationships suffer as a result. Mothers and fathers are irritable and tired; children have little or no time to exercise their creativity, learn to entertain themselves, or simply play. Remember, your child needs connection and time with you far more than she needs “stimulation.” Time to cuddle, crawl and play on the floor together, or read a book is far more valuable than even the most exciting class.

  LEARNING TO RECOGNIZE—AND MANAGE—STRESS

  Clenched teeth and fists, tight muscles, headaches, a sudden desire to burst into tears or lock yourself in the bathroom—these are the symptoms of parental stress and overload, and it’s important to pay attention to them. Most parents, especially first-time parents, occasionally feel overwhelmed and exhausted, and even angry or resentful. Because parents want so much to be “good” parents, they may find it difficult to discuss these troubling thoughts and feelings with others.