by Anna Stone
“But no one ever tells you how to deal with that. Once your bones are healed, you’re just thrown out into the world and expected to get on with life. But how are you supposed to do that? How are you supposed to go back to being the person you were before everything? And how do you make people understand why you feel that way?”
“Oh, Lindsey.” Camilla hugged her tighter. “I understand what that’s like. To have something life changing happen to you and have everyone just expect you to get on with it.”
“Huh,” Lindsey said. “I guess you’ve been through this.”
“Well, it wasn’t exactly the same. But when the symptoms of my illness started, I was fourteen. No one knew what was going on, and no one knew how to help me. That went on for years. And when the doctors finally figured out what was causing everything, there was very little they could do. I was basically just told to get on with things. But how could I do that when I’d been stuck with this diagnosis that was going to affect me every day for the rest of my life? How could I go back to being that carefree teenager when my future had been changed irrevocably?”
“Yes, that’s exactly it.” Lindsey paused. “How did you deal with that?”
“Well, eventually, I ended up seeing a new doctor who insisted I get therapy,” Camilla said. “It helped. My therapist told me that it was okay to grieve for the life that I once had, for the old me. That it was okay to feel lost and hopeless sometimes. That I didn’t have to pretend that everything was okay all the time. And she taught me how to deal with all those feelings. You should consider seeing someone too.”
“I’ve never been able to afford it,” Lindsey said.
“You can now. I’ll pay for it. And if you don’t want to talk to a stranger, you can always talk to me. Whenever you need me, I’ll be right here.”
“Thanks.” Lindsey gave Camilla a reserved smile. “I don’t know why I never thought to talk to you about it. I’m just so used to pretending it’s not a problem.”
Camilla kissed Lindsey on the forehead. “Well, you don’t have to pretend with me. I don’t want there to be anything between us that we can’t talk about.”
Right. Lindsey’s stomach tightened. This was why she’d been feeling uneasy. Despite everything that had passed between them, Lindsey was still hiding something from Camilla. She still hadn’t told Camilla that she’d never been attracted to another woman before her.
But how was she supposed to tell Camilla that their relationship began with a lie?
Chapter Twenty-Two
Lindsey lay on Camilla’s bed, a book in her hand. It was Lindsey’s bed now, too. She’d been sleeping in it every night since Denise came to visit, but Camilla had asked Lindsey to ‘move in’ after their conversation the other night. Lindsey had said yes, but she still felt like an intruder. It didn’t help that Camilla was away for work again. At least it was only for a few days this time. She was due back tomorrow night.
Lindsey gazed out the window at the night sky. Here Camilla was, planning their future together, yet Lindsey was still stuck on the lie she’d told Camilla the day they’d met. Lindsey wanted to tell her. But she didn’t know how. And Lindsey didn’t want to hurt her.
Maybe it would be better for her to take the secret to her grave.
Lindsey put down her book and got up from the bed. Being alone in this big house, with no one but her thoughts for company, was starting to get to her. Faith was due to call for a chat when she got home from work, but that wasn’t for a few hours. Lindsey left Camilla’s room and made her way downstairs in search of a snack.
She entered the main kitchen. It was empty at the moment, and every surface was sparkling clean. Lindsey had only been in here a handful of times. If she wanted something to eat, she usually asked June. But what Lindsey was really looking for was a distraction.
She opened the door to the walk-in pantry and began searching the shelves. It was like a tiny grocery store in itself. She found a few shelves in the back that were full of all those sweet, indulgent snacks that Camilla liked to eat. After browsing the selection for a few minutes, Lindsey picked out a block of dark chocolate and took it over to the island in the middle of the kitchen. She sat down and broke off a few squares, munching on them idly.
“Lindsey? Do you need something?”
Lindsey turned to see June at the door, a bucket of cleaning supplies in her hand.
“I was just looking for a snack.” She held up the block of chocolate.
“Do you want something more substantial? I can make you anything you want.”
“No, it’s fine.” Lindsey hesitated. “But I could use some company.”
June put down the bucket and leaned against the bench across from Lindsey. “This place feels empty without her, doesn’t it? She’s like the lifeblood of this house.”
“She is.” Lindsey held out the block of chocolate to June, who broke off a small square.
“I’m glad the two of you found each other,” June said. “Lord knows Camilla could use someone to take care of her.”
“Are we talking about the same person? Camilla doesn’t exactly need taking care of.”
“That’s not what I meant.” June pulled up a chair and sat down. “I have no doubt that if Camilla went bankrupt tomorrow, and if all of her friends disappeared, she’d still find a way to single-handedly claw her way back up to where she is now. She doesn’t need anyone else to survive. But it’s a very lonely existence when all you do is survive.”
That much was true. Lindsey had been living like that ever since the accident. Sleepwalking her way through each day, lost in a fog of anxiety and listlessness.
That was, until she met Camilla.
“I guess you’re right,” Lindsey said. “You seem to know Camilla pretty well.”
June reached over to break off another piece of chocolate. “I’ve known her for 20 years. Her parents hired me, but after they passed away, Camilla kept me on and promoted me to head housekeeper. I’ve worked for her every day since then.”
“Every day?”
“Well, I take the occasional vacation. Camilla tries to make me take more, but it’s hard for me to leave this place. I have a connection to it. Camilla might be the lifeblood of the house, but I’m the brain.”
“Keeping this place running seems like a lot of work,” Lindsey said.
“It is. But the job comes with a lot of perks. Like the pay. I’m not even fifty, and I have enough money to retire tomorrow and never work again. Plus, Camilla’s been taking care of my parents. They both have health problems, so they need round the clock care. Camilla pays for them to live in a world-class care facility.”
“Wow, that’s generous of her.”
“Are you that surprised?” June said. “I thought you’d have her figured out by now.”
“What do you mean?” Lindsey asked.
“Well, we both know how prickly Camilla can be on the outside, but she’s got a good heart. She shows her love by helping out others, usually in the most outrageous of ways. And not just with money. She’ll march into your life, fix all your problems, and make sure all your needs are taken care of, whether you want her to or not.”
Yep. That was Camilla all over.
“That’s why she needs someone like you,” June said. “Someone who will let her pretend that she’s your rock when in reality, you’re the one who will quietly be there for her without letting her know it.”
Lindsey rested her chin on her hands. It was true that Camilla seemed happiest when she was making other people happy. And whenever Camilla was unwell or felt stressed, all she wanted was to hold Lindsey and smother her with affection like Lindsey was the one who needed comforting.
June stood up and tucked her chair neatly under the kitchen island. “I better get back to work. This house has to be spotless when Camilla gets back. You know how your Mistress gets when things aren’t up to her standards.” She reached over to take one last piece of chocolate. “At least she doesn’t make me write lines.”
Heat rose up Lindsey’s face. As June left the room, Lindsey buried her head in her hands. She shouldn’t have been surprised that June was so sharp. She’d have to be to have survived in this house with Camilla for 20 years.
Lindsey grabbed the rest of the chocolate and made her way back up the stairs. When she reached the top, she paused. Instead of going toward Camilla’s rooms, Lindsey went back to her old bedroom. She felt a little more comfortable there. And she knew she wouldn’t feel welcome in Camilla’s rooms until she’d dealt with the problem that was causing her guilt.
She flopped down on her bed and put in her headphones, blasting some music through them. Being in a little cocoon of sound usually helped take her mind off things. Lindsey shut her eyes. Before she knew it, she was drifting off to sleep.
Lindsey woke with a start. Her phone was buzzing on her chest and the room was pitch black. She yawned. How long had she been asleep for?
Lindsey sat up and answered her phone. “Hey, Faith.”
“Hi,” Faith said cheerfully. “Sorry I took so long to call you. I had to stay back and have an awkward conversation with the mom I work for.”
“Oh, is everything okay?”
“Yeah. My pay was late, but she assured me they’d pay me tomorrow. How are you?”
“I’m okay. A little bored. Camilla is away again.”
“Is that why you wanted to talk?” Faith asked. “Feeling all lovesick because you can’t bear to be apart from her for a few days?”
“It’s not that.” Lindsey took one of the giant cushions from her bed and hugged it to her chest. “We’ve been talking about the future. About me moving in with her. Permanently.”
Faith let out a squeal. “That’s great. You said you’re in it for the long run with her, right? And that the manor feels like home now?”
“Yeah. I want this. But I can’t help but feel bad about how everything between us started.”
“What, because you were her sugar baby? Who cares if everything was fake at the beginning? You’re not faking it anymore.”
“Well, yeah,” Lindsey said. “But I lied to her about being interested in women when we first met. Or at least, I led her to believe I was, which is basically the same thing.”
“Right,” Faith said. “So you haven’t told her yet?”
“Nope. And I’ve had so many opportunities to tell her the truth, but I didn’t. She’s been so open with me about everything. I feel awful about keeping this from her.”
“Then tell her.”
“I don’t want to hurt her,” Lindsey said. “She’s going to feel so betrayed. What if she can’t forgive me?”
“What choice do you have?” Faith asked. “Do you really think the two of you can be happy together with this cloud hanging over your relationship?”
Lindsey sighed. “You’re right. I’ll tell her when she gets back.” She let herself fall back down onto the pillows. “I hope she takes it well. Because if she doesn’t, I don’t know what I’ll do. I love her so much, Faith. I never thought I’d fall for another woman, let alone one so much older than me, but here I am. Whenever I’m with her, I feel like I’m having this wonderful, impossible dream. But it’s real.”
“Aw, Lindsey. I’m glad you found this little slice of happiness. And for the record, I don’t think your feelings for Camilla were fake at the start. You were practically swooning after that first date with her. From the outside, your feelings always seemed real, even if you didn’t realize it at the time.”
“I think you’re right,” Lindsey said. “Maybe I was falling for her all along, but I didn’t understand it yet.”
It was another hour before they hung up. By then, it was late. Lindsey put her phone aside and got ready for bed. She would talk to Camilla about everything tomorrow night.
She just hoped that Camilla would understand.
Chapter Twenty-Three
The next morning, Lindsey bounded out of her rooms and down the stairs. Making the decision to tell Camilla the truth had lifted a huge weight from her shoulders. Lindsey knew it would be a difficult conversation. She knew Camilla would be hurt. But she had to have faith that Camilla would forgive her.
She entered the dining room. There was no sign of June, but breakfast was laid out for Lindsey as usual. She finished it off quickly and headed back up to her rooms to brush her teeth. It was a warm, sunny day outside. Perhaps she’d go for a swim.
When she reached her rooms, she found June waiting for her by the door. The housekeeper’s face wore a grave expression. A chill rolled down Lindsey’s neck.
Something was wrong.
“June?” she said. “What’s the matter?”
June folded her hands in front of her apron. “Camilla has requested that you leave the estate.”
All warmth drained from Lindsey’s body. “What are you talking about?”
“You need to pack your things. A car will be coming to take you wherever you want to go.”
“This doesn’t make any sense.” Slowly, June’s words began to sink in. “Why would Camilla do this? I need to talk to her.”
“That isn’t possible,” June said.
“She’s coming back tonight, right? Can’t I wait for her?”
There was a flicker of confusion behind June’s eyes. “Didn’t the two of you-” she stopped short.
“June,” Lindsey said. “What’s going on?”
“Camilla already came back. Last night.”
Lindsey’s heart turned to ice. Last night, when she’d spoken to Faith about the secret she’d kept from Camilla?
“Where’s Camilla now?” Lindsey asked.
“I can’t tell you that,” June said. “And her instructions were clear. You’re to leave as soon as you’ve packed your things.”
“You have to tell me where she is, June.”
“I can’t tell you where she is, because I don’t know where she is. She left again early in the morning. I assumed she wanted space.”
No. This wasn’t happening.
“A car will arrive for you shortly. You better start packing. I’m also to inform you that anything Camilla bought for you is yours to take with you.”
“I don’t want her things!” Lindsey said. “I want to talk to her. June, please!”
“I’m sorry,” June said quietly. “There’s nothing I can do.” Without another word, she turned and walked away.
Lindsey entered her room in a daze. This was all wrong. Lindsey needed to see her, to tell Camilla that she loved her, and she was sorry for lying.
She sank down into an armchair. Would it even make a difference? Camilla was so mad at Lindsey that she was kicking her out of the manor without even giving her a chance to explain herself.
Camilla wasn’t a forgiving woman. She would never forgive Lindsey, not after this. She had trusted Lindsey, had let her in, and Lindsey had betrayed that trust.
Did Lindsey even deserve her forgiveness?
She could stay here, in this chair, and refuse to leave. She could insist on waiting for Camilla. She could cry and scream until Camilla came running.
But there was no point.
Lindsey got up and pulled her suitcase out of the closet. She looked around at all the clothes, shoes, and accessories Camilla had bought her. June had said they were hers to keep. But Lindsey didn’t want any of it. Not without Camilla.
There was a knock on the door.
“Come in,” Lindsey said.
June entered the room and pulled an envelope from a pocket at the front of her apron. “I forgot to give this to you. It’s from Camilla.”
Lindsey stared at the envelope. Was it a note? A letter? Some kind of explanation or a goodbye?
June held it out to her. “Here.”
Lindsey blinked and took the envelope. “Thanks, June.”
But June didn’t give Lindsey her usual polite nod. She simply left the room again. Lindsey tore open the envelope, her hands trembling.
It was a check made out to Lindsey,
for the exact amount Camilla had promised her before she’d moved in.
Lindsey collapsed onto her knees and started to sob.
Lindsey lay curled up on Faith’s couch, tissues strewn around her. She’d called Faith in tears after leaving the manor. She had no one else to turn to, nowhere to go. Faith still had a few hours before she finished work, so Lindsey was all alone. At least she still had Faith’s spare key.
The sound of the front door opening reached Lindsey’s ears. She didn’t bother to look. She didn’t have the energy to move or do anything other than try to keep herself from bursting into tears.
“Lindsey? I’m home.” Faith’s footsteps approached. She sat down on the couch next to Lindsey’s head. “How are you doing?”
Before Lindsey could answer her, she started sobbing into Faith’s lap.
“Oh honey,” Faith said. “I’m sorry.”
“I messed up. I messed up so badly, and she’ll never forgive me, and now it’s over.” Lindsey felt a wrenching in her chest. “I didn’t know I could hurt this much. It’s like my insides are filled with all these tiny shards of glass and it hurts to even breathe.”
“I know.” Faith stroked Lindsey’s head. “This is what a broken heart feels like.”
Lindsey sniffled. “Is it always this bad?”
“Every time.”
“Then why do people do this? Why do people fall in love when this is what always happens?”
“Because when you finally find the person you’re meant to be with, all of that past heartbreak is worth it. At least, I hope that’s the case. For both of our sakes.”
Another round of sobs racked Lindsey’s body. “But she was the person I was meant to be with.”
“It will get better,” Faith said. “I promise. It’ll take a while, but it’ll start to hurt less. You’ll be okay in the end.”
“No, I won’t. I’ll never be okay again. Not after I hurt her so badly.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ll get through this. And I’ll be right here with you.”
Lindsey wiped her eyes. “Wait, why are you here? I thought you didn’t finish work until this evening?”
