Brenda said, “How do you know all of that?”
Lisa said, “This isn’t the first time Mr. Roland Jackson has been to the island. You could say that I was stalking you while you were stalking him. But I’ve had more practice at it. He gets up at dawn. He stretches on his balcony. Qi Gong. He always gets a room in the same wing. Pool view or Partial Ocean, depending on what’s on sale at the time. He eats at Duke’s three times a week. He never has a woman with him and he isn’t looking for one. Not because he’s gay, but because he’s waiting for someone worthy. He dresses well, but not fancy. He dresses wholesomely and he dresses you that way as well. And one last thing: what he’s looking for is companionship, honesty, and really great sex. There’s only one thing that he doesn’t have yet. Now that he has you.”
Brenda said, “What?”
Lisa said, “He needs to learn to paint. He needs to get off his butt and take a break from writing and learn to paint. Yeah, Ronny, I know a lot more about you than you would imagine. And for that reason, I know that what I want isn’t the deciding factor by any means. That’s why you never knew who I was. Lisa. And you want to hear the strange thing? The thing that has driven me nuts night after night, day after day? It’s Lisa Jackson. No relation. I checked.”
Brenda said, “But how did you know his name?”
Lisa said, “He bought a hat and a pair of sunglasses. A few years ago. Last year he bought a swimsuit. He used his debit card. I’ll see you at three. At the pool. Brenda, wear the dress. And sandals. You have really nice feet. Now go away.”
Lisa glanced up at me and I smiled and winked. She scowled and dropped her eyes and went to straighten some clothing on a rack across the store. I took Brenda’s hand and left. Brenda was breathless as we walked away.
Outside she said, “What’s happening? I thought that she was just a salesgirl. And that I was so proud to be with you and in love and pretending to be on our honeymoon, but she’s...I don’t know. And she’s…I don’t know. It was all a stupid fantasy wasn’t it? I’m so stupid. What am I going to do? How am I going to get home now? I’m totally screwed now!”
I said calmly, “Brenda, do you love me?”
She exclaimed, “Yes! But that doesn’t matter. Like she said, it’s all a lie!”
I said, “What’s a lie?”
Brenda said, “My feelings. What I thought you felt for me. The idea that I had a new life and that I was going to be happy now!”
I said, “Brenda, as far as I’m concerned, nothing has changed. But she’s absolutely right. I do need to learn to paint. You do too. Oh, and we don’t need to do any more shopping until three o’clock.”
We were walking back toward the hotel now. It was almost time for lunch. The beachside grill was just opening and as I guided us to the hostess desk, we were the first patrons of the morning. An attractive girl in a colorful tight floral print dress led us to a table and took our drink order. We both had iced tea.
The waitresses here were always pretty and it seemed to me that all of them were at least moderately busty. The dresses that served as their uniform was strapless and often showed a good bit of cleavage. It wasn’t a peep show, but it was puzzling how that got away with hiring nothing but very young, very shapely waitresses.
I looked out at the ocean across the sidewalk and held Brenda’s hand on the table.
She said, “Quietly. Fuck. I thought this was all going great. And now I’m fucked and have nowhere to go.”
Without looking at her I said, “First, don’t ever use that word that way ever again. That is about great sex, not being cursed. Don’t say ‘screwed’ either. From what you’ve told me, you’ve never been truly fucked in your whole life. I don’t know that I have either. I am hoping for us to find out what that’s like together. My intention is that you will be well and truly fucked soon enough, but you haven’t been yet.”
Brenda looked at the side of my face and then at the water beyond the sand.
She said, “You still think so?”
I said, “Why would you think otherwise? Because Lisa scolded you for wearing the wrong bra size? Was that so shaming that your life is over now? Because your bra was too tight in one direction and too small in another?”
Brenda exclaimed angrily, “No! And yeah! And I don’t know!”
I said, “Brenda, you didn’t know who you were a few hours ago. Then you started to figure it out. Now you are freaking out because it seems too real. It isn’t that it was a fantasy that is bothering you, it’s that it’s real.”
I waited for a few seconds and then said, “You want to know how love at first sight works? People think that’s a fantasy, but it’s not. It is the natural order of things. It’s not the exception, it’s the rule. You see someone and have an instant attraction. If you don’t, why give it a second look. There’s a spark. An attraction. A magnetic pull. An irresistible force. Now, sometimes the instant impression is wrong. It’s often wrong. But it isn’t wrong because it wasn’t there, it’s wrong because the two people involved are broken. They can’t handle what is offered to them in a healthy way. So people think that they made a mistake and they get jaded and learn not to believe in it and they squash any sensitivity to the attraction in the future. It’s working between us because we are both looking for a more evolved life and we both know that we are willing to take an adventurous path to see where the attraction is taking us. Love at first sight happens all the time, and you and I are willing to look deep into that maelstrom and let it take us to new places. I love you.”
Again, I paused for thought and then said, “Feel your nipples.”
She looked at me and said, “What?”
I said, “Didn’t you tell me that your body tells the truth more often than your brain does? Or was that just something that I was thinking when I saw you naked for the first time. Anyway, feel your nipples. Do it.”
Brenda looked around and when she didn’t see anyone looking, she bushed her hand across her chest.
I said, “No. Pretend that you are straightening your non-existent bra and reach inside your dress and feel your nipple.”
Brenda slid her hand through the neckline of her yellow dress and touched herself and then pulled her hand away.
I said, “And if I leaned over and reached in there and fondled you, what would I find.”
Brenda cleared her throat and said, “That I’m nearly as hard as a rock.”
I said, “Your body knows. And that arousal is emotional, spiritual, and psychic. Your body is talking to you. What is it saying to you?”
She said, “I think it’s saying that I’m an idiot and that if I had any smarts at all that I’d put it in charge and let it run things for a while. That all it can think about is slamming itself against you while it tries to see what ‘that word’ really does mean.”
I said, “I think you should listen to it. The way that you are going to listen to Lisa when she tells you what to buy and how to dress. And the way that you are listening to me when I tell you to only wear things that delight you and to throw away your old life for a new one.”
She said, “And to loan you my towel without thinking even though I know that I’m not wearing anything underneath?”
I said, “If that’s what seems to be working out best for you. But what about your lower half? What’s happening between your loins?”
She said, “Enough.”
I said, “Enough?”
She said, “Enough to tell me that there’s something to this love at first sight stuff.”
I said, “Check and make sure.”
She said, “What?”
I said, “Slip your hand under your dress and touch your pussy and see what’s going on down there. Just like you did with your nipples.”
She looked at me and said, “My what?”
I said, “Your pussy. Pussy. Let me say it slowly. Pussy. Touch…it…right…now.”
Brenda started to protest but stopped herself, let out her breath, and reached into her
lap. She kept her legs mostly together so that anyone down on the beach couldn't see what she was doing as she pulled the hem of her dress up to the tops of her thighs and put her hand between them for a second. She quickly pulled her hand away and pushed her dress back to her knees.
She said very quietly, “Ronny, are you going to make me masturbate right here at the table?”
It was a sincere question. She wasn’t asking me to. She was asking me if I was going to tell her to. And there was the definite suggestion that she didn’t want to, but feared that she would if I insisted.
I said, “Give me your hand.”
She offered me her hand and I said, “No, the other one.”
Brenda looked like she was about to cry as she gave me the fingers that had just been beneath her dress.
I kissed them and even sucked the tip of her first two fingers for just a second and said, “Brenda, I will never intentionally humiliate you. There was no one around when I told you to do either of those things. And you didn’t have to do them. What would you have missed out on if you hadn’t done it?”
She left her hand near my lips as she said, “I wouldn’t have known how I feel in that way right now.”
I said, “How did you feel in the changing room…” but I stopped as the waitress came to take our order.
Ordering wasn’t important to either of us right now. Brenda asked me to decide for her. So I did.
When the waitress was gone, I said, “How did you feel in the changing room and when you were telling Lisa that you wanted a swimsuit to make men jealous of me?”
Brenda said, “Free. Sexy. Loved. Confident.”
I said, “And now? Knowing that your body feels the same way, even if your brain is struggling?”
She said, “Like I need to live more in my body. That’s what they say, right? I’ve heard of that, but I don’t know what it means. It’s supposed to be part of what’s called mindfulness, right?”
I said, “Yes. And if you stay on this ride, you’ll learn about that and a lot more. You are learning already. When you felt confident at the store. When you were finding out what’s inside you wanting to come out. When you embraced a new life.”
We sat for a minute and I continued, saying, “Brenda, we haven’t made love yet. We will. I am committed to it. Forget the fact that we just met. We love each other. Maybe we always have. Maybe we were separated before birth and have been drawn toward each other ever since. But if you are going to bolt, if you want off, you can leave. I’ll pay for you to go anywhere you want. And give you enough to get started until you can find a new job.”
Brenda looked at her napkin and silverware and said, “And you’ll take Lisa instead?”
I said, “No. That’s not what I’m saying at all.”
Brenda raised her head and looked directly at me and said, “But what about her?”
I said, “What about her?”
Brenda said, “I don’t know.”
I said, “Jealousy won’t help.”
Chapter 5 - Exposure
Our food came about then.
I said, “I’m not ready to talk about Lisa. Or your nephew. Not yet. The tacos here are really good. We’ll come back for the special dessert another time.”
Brenda said, “What’s my nephew got to do with this?”
I said, “He got married recently. In Vegas.”
She said, “And?”
I said, “And maybe you should call him. In fact, here’s my phone.”
I punched the button for Dave Raskin and handed it to Brenda. She took it from me with a puzzled look and held it to her ear.
After several rings, she said, “No, it’s Brenda…I mean Aunt Diane. No, he’s sitting beside me. Yeah, we met in Kauai. Well, he just dialed your number and told me to talk to you. No, I have no idea why. He said you got married. OK, well, congratulations. No, he didn’t tell me who. What? You’re living in Blythe? That’s not far from me. No, oh, I keep forgetting. No, I don’t really live there now. My divorce just got finalized. Yeah, after the funeral. Don’t be sorry. Well, yeah, I am. Yeah, I do. I love him a lot. Yeah, romantically. No, I told you, we met here. I don’t know, maybe. Well, I guess so. Honestly? You sound just like him. OK, honestly, yeah, I am totally in love and yeah, I hope to stay with him forever because I’m insanely in love and in some ways just insane. What? No, what do you mean is there another one yet? Another what?”
There was a pause as Dave talked for a while and then Brenda said, “What? Wait. What? No! And that works? How?”
And there was another long pause as Brenda listened for several minutes.
She said, “Really? Yeah, I see what you are saying. And you think that I can really be OK with that? Well, sure. Yeah, I can’t imagine not being with him now. Yeah, even like that, I guess. You make it sound not only reasonable but essential. Like it’s the only right thing under some circumstances. Yeah, her name is Lisa. I did. I really liked her. No, of course I wouldn’t want her to be lonely if her best chance was with us. No! I wouldn’t! No! Dave, stop that! But you promise it works? OK, I’ll be open. Yeah. OK. I get it. I have a choice. Yeah, an adventure. An opportunity. OK. I love you. Um, yeah, I’ll see you when we get back to Ronny’s house. Yeah, I’ll be cool and look forward to meeting all three of them. OK. Bye, bye, Sweetie.”
Brenda hung up and handed the phone back to me. I put it in my pocket and took another bite of my lunch.
Brenda was subdued. She sat with her arms drawn in and her head lowered. She seemed to be shivering occasionally, despite the warmth and humidity. I just waited. I hadn’t expected this by any means. But if it was happening, and it was certainly happening for me and Brenda, then I was open to it. My friend Dave, Brenda’s nephew, had apparently told his aunt that he was in love with three women and that they were all happy together. Brenda had mentioned Lisa’s name as if she were part of what was going on. I hadn’t given Lisa any thought yet. I hadn’t given the idea of having a family like Dave’s that included more than one woman until just now. Maybe I had, though. Yeah, I guess I had. When Lisa started telling Brenda what she would wear and what she would do and hat she had been watching both of us. Yeah, I had started to wonder if I could have what Dave had. If I was honest, that’s why I had dialed Dave’s number and asked Brenda to talk to him.
Brenda was seeing an attraction for Lisa, obviously. She had suggested that one possible course was for her to leave me and for me to pursue Lisa instead.
After a few minutes, Brenda said, “I see. But Ronny, you didn’t come looking for me. And I didn’t come looking for you. Our paths collided. So, I know…well, I don’t know what I know. My nephew says that you are one of the finest men that he’s ever met. He also says that he’s happily married to a wonderful girl, her sister, and their high school friend. That they didn’t want each other but definitely needed each other. He told me the story about…who, Jett? It makes sense. I totally see how it makes sense for her and for them. So, we’re what? Going to marry Lisa? Wait. Ronny, are we getting married? You and me?”
I said, “About Lisa, I don’t know. I have no way to know. We don’t know her the way that Dave knows Jett. And yes, we are getting married. Unless you bolt. Unless you run away. And if you do, if things work the way that I think they do, that will mean that Lisa and I will never fall in love either. Dave and his father-in-law, Dan, say that it’s the mix that works, not the individuals. You and I are meant to be together. We both know it. It’s stupid to keep trying to figure it out. You have some leading that Lisa might be part of your life with me, apparently. I’m not even thinking about that. Brenda, everything about our meeting and our interactions since has been strange.”
Brenda said, “Yeah. But we’re really doing this? Getting married?”
I said firmly, “Yes! Unless you run. And if you run, I’ll help you.”
She said, “Wow. Yeah, I know it’s happening. I’ve known it since you took me to your room to shower. Um, but what do you think of Lisa?”
Brenda said, “You mean like I am?”
I shrugged and took a bite and said, “I don’t know.”
Brenda said suddenly, “Oh hell. Don’t lie! What do you think is going on?”
I said, “I don’t know. But you and I are getting married, and when I go home, you are coming with me. Lisa is really strange. Really scary strange. Maybe she is with us, maybe she isn’t. And no, you aren’t running away.”
She said, “I’m not?”
I grinned and said, “If you run away, who will you loan your towel to?”
She laughed and said, “Damn. If you hadn’t forbidden me to use ‘that word’, I’d be using it right now. What kind of a wild ride is this Mr. Jackson?”
I said, “Hell if I know. I came here to write and relax. If the universe thinks I ready for more right now, who am I to complain about it?”
She said, “Well, fuck. Soon and boisterously. All over my body. You strange and uncommon man, Ronny. You had me feel my tits and my…my…”
I said, “Pussy.”
She said, “OK, that, in the middle of a restaurant at the beach in the open.”
I said, “In a way that no one saw and only I knew about and that wouldn’t shame you.”
She laughed and took a big bite and said, “Yeah.”
I said, “And you pulled down your dress to show the salesgirl in the middle of her store.”
Brenda said, “She was a very strange and uncommon sales girl.”
Then she gasped and said, “Oh wow! I get it. I think. I can’t believe how simple this is. He’s right! He’s absolutely right! My nephew. Where do you know him from again?”
I said, “We are both members of a very strange and uncommon dinner club. It has nothing to do with any particular lifestyle, except for the pursuit of wholeness and truth, by the way.”
Brenda said, “But yeah, I think I get it.”
After a few more bites, she said, “So, you are what you are. Uncommon. You just take me at my word and fall in love. You take my towel, because I totally wanted you to have it. And you tell me not to wear a bra or panties and that you are going to change my life and that I need to drop everything that doesn’t…what? Delight me. But Lisa is just like that. At first, she’s just a saleswoman. But when she reveals herself - she’s some kind of super-intelligent secret agent or something that knows more about me than I currently know about myself. Wait! Oh wait! But she’s been stalking you for a hell of a lot longer than I was and couldn't make a move on her own. So, what? She needed me as a catalyst! And she’s so strange that there’s no man on Earth that she could ever love like she wants to. Except for you! If she doesn't end up with you, she dies alone and the whole thing is wasted.”
Island Cultural Center Page 5
