The clubhouse door opens, banging back on the hinges loudly. The sound makes me spin around, and there’s my son, followed by Mace whose face looks as black as thunder.
What the hell has he done now?
Cas comes stomping over to me with that sullen expression on his face I know only too well.
“I didn’t do anything,” he gets in first.
“He put his hands on a brother’s bike without asking permission,” Mace snarls as he reaches his side. “Started the fuckin’ engine.”
“I wanted to know what it sounded like.” Cas has a strange look on his face, defiant and challenging.
“Mace told you not to touch the bikes.” I remember him telling him the rules that day in my kitchen.
I know exactly what Cas has done. He’s pushed over the line to see what he can get away with. It’s something he’s done with me time after time. I sigh heavily, uncertain as always how to deal with him. Ground him? Take his Xbox away? I know only too well that only increases his resentment and worsens his behaviour. I thought he’d been making progress this week but being back on the compound has set him off, and I suspect it was the earlier altercation between him and Liz.
For the moment, I ignore him. “Mace, I’m so sorry…”
“Who’s fuckin’ bike was it?” a low voice growls. The voice that still has the power to send shivers through me.
Mace looks over my shoulder at the man standing behind me. He stiffens slightly before he replies, “Yours, Liz.”
“I left it there to have that fuckin’ rattle looked at, not to have grubby hands all over it. He fuckin’ started it?” Liz now directs himself to Cas. “You dared to touch my ride?”
It’s worse now I know it’s Lizard’s bike. In an instant, I realise Cas isn’t so comfortable with the fact his father doesn’t acknowledge him as he’d implied. It was his dad’s bike he dared touch, and in another life, he’d probably have been encouraged and not denied. But there’s no relationship except unbeknownst to Lizard, they share the same blood.
I can see Cas vibrating with rage and perhaps something else. Disappointment, as though he’s realised however he tries, Lizard won’t give him any special treatment because he doesn’t know of any reason he should. I let my eyes flash a signal to Cas, Keep your mouth shut. I’m crossing my fingers he doesn’t blurt out the truth.
Lizard looks tired and drawn, but then he had just sat through what was probably a very difficult meeting with Esme’s dad. No wonder he looks pale. It’s a similar look to how he’d often returned from a tour, exhausted and drained. Of course, back then, I’d pandered to him, ran him a bath, given him a massage, my hands easing his pain and tension away until he started to relax. Then tension of a different sort would arise, one that was easily dealt with when we fell into bed, or, as many times, Lizard’s need for me had become so urgent, he’d taken me up against the bathroom counter, the bed proving too far.
Now I’ve no right to touch him. I’m unable to show my vested interest in easing his pain, but he’s in no state to have the truth thrown at him.
Freckles are darkening as Cas’s face reddens. He’s going to blow.
“Come on, Cas. Our bags are still in the car.” It had been raining so hard, I’d told him we’d get them later, and so far, I haven’t had a chance to bring them inside. Stepping forward, I take his arm. “We’ll go home.” I turn toward Mace. “I’m sorry.” Once again, I’m apologising for my son’s behaviour. It’s something I do time after time.
“Yeah, get out of here. You’re not welcome here, kid.”
Cas pulls out of my hold and swings around. “Who do you think you fucking are?” he shouts at Lizard.
Oh God, no! I throw a pleading look toward Mace.
Stepping between Lizard and my son, Mace’s voice belts out, “Go with your mom, now.”
For the first time, I hear him use the voice he must bring into play when being the enforcer and keeping everyone in line. It’s a half bark, half snarl. A command that must be obeyed. Luckily, it pulls Cas up, shocking him. His attention now turns to the enforcer, and he stands with his mouth gaping.
Like a light going on, I think it dawns on him what a spectacle he’s making, and how he’s taken things too far. His lip starts to tremble as he glances at me, then looks at Mace.
“Can… can we come back?” he asks.
“No, you fuckin’ can’t.” After that pronouncement, Lizard storms off.
“I’ll walk you out.” Mace’s voice has dropped to a more reasonable tone.
Now it’s stopped raining, the sun has come out and the pavement is steaming. Really this weather should be the other way around, black clouds would better match my current mood.
Mace sees us into my car then stands with the driver’s door open, bending down to talk to us inside.
“I’m sorry, Vanna, Cas, but this isn’t working. Hear me out, Cas.” Mace hardens his voice as my son starts to voice an objection. “Lizard isn’t ever going to recognise you. You can see the place he’s in now. He’s happy with his life, and anything you tell him wouldn’t be appreciated.” He pauses, and sighs. “I know my brother. If Liz knew his responsibilities, say you took a DNA test and proved it to him—and believe me, that’s what it would take—and you removed any doubts he could have in his head, you’d fuck him up more. He’d step up, give you money. But hell, Vanna,” his eyes go to Cas’s and he gives it to him straight, “right now he doesn’t even like Cas.”
“He’s my dad,” Cas says quietly, a sob in his voice. So alien from my boy who tries so hard to pretend he’s a grown man.
Without looking in that direction, Mace waves his hand behind him. “Every man here chose this family. Blood counts for nothing. Told you, you had to work for his respect, Cas. Well, you’ve lost it now.”
Cas wipes a tear from his eyes, then looks at the wetness on the back of his hand as though he can’t believe what it is. I can’t remember the last time he cried.
“Look,” Mace continues, “I hope it works out for you. If Cas needs a lawyer, Mel’s dad is an attorney who lives in Denver. He can perhaps find one to help you out.” I go to tell him I’m all set for that, but in the end I don’t bother. The offer is a nice gesture and I shouldn’t be throwing it back in his face. But I can’t take any help from the club, especially when he continues, “It’s best that you don’t come back. Best for Lizard and best for you.” He glances at Cas, then focuses on my face. “It’s not doing you or Cas any good, Vanna.”
I can’t tell him that’s a lie.
He closes the door, a jerk of his chin replacing the word goodbye. Then he nods at Karl who opens the gate, and I start the engine and drive out.
Cas leans around, watching the compound fade in the distance behind us. We’re a few miles away before he speaks.
“I fucked up good this time, didn’t I, Mom?”
Fighting back my own tears, I don’t reply. Not even to admonish him for swearing. Mace was right, it’s best we keep away from the compound. Lizard had said it himself; he doesn’t want Cas anywhere near him, and as for me? He couldn’t have put it any better. I’m not his type.
Chapter Nineteen
Mace
Fuck it! I slam my hand on the bar top. Seems like I can’t help doing wrong by trying to do right.
“Beer?”
“Whisky.” I snarl my response at Dirt. A tumbler is in my hand double fast. I drain it in two gulps, then ask for another. The second goes down only fractionally slower, but I’m beginning to mellow at last. That kid’s face. He knew he’d gone too far. But he wanted too much, too fast. Cas had assured Vanna, and also me, that he understood the situation, that Lizard couldn’t remember wasn’t his fault. But it must have been hard for him to stand there this morning and hear his father deny him and then say his mother wasn’t someone he’d have gone for. All the pleasure had been wiped from Cas’s face, and the boy I’d found myself taking to the shop must be the one Vanna had to deal with each day.
&nbs
p; My reaction had been the right one, hadn’t it? My loyalty is first and foremost to my brother. At first, I’d thought, maybe Lizard deserved to discover the family he’d lost, but it’s obvious he and Cas didn’t take to each other, and he’s better off left in ignorance.
Vanna could push it, but as she hasn’t tackled the issue, or come after what’s rightfully hers, child support at the least, in the last ten years. I’m sure she isn’t going to cause trouble now. Christ, it must have hurt when Lizard had so rudely dismissed her earlier today. Sure, he has his choice of younger pussy, but Vanna’s not that old.
She’d taken care with her appearance today, and no one had told her how good she looked, and fuck me, but I feel guilty about that. I had been going to remark on it, but the time hadn’t been right. Even with her new hairdo, stylish clothes which hugged her still good figure, Lizard hadn’t given her a second glance. She wasn’t, as he’d put it so succinctly, his type.
Still, I’d gotten up close and personal with the type of shit she has to deal with, with that kid. I doubt she’s allowed him to run wild, but he’s done that anyway. If ever a boy needed a father’s guiding hand, that was Cas. But he’s not going to get that from Lizard, and while I admire Vanna, I’m no more the settling down type than my brother.
Though, Liz had been a family man at one time, and according to Vanna, they’d been happy. It’s clear though, that ship has sailed now.
“Are you feeling alright, Lizard?” I hear called from behind me and turn to spy what Vi is talking about. Liz is chasing down tablets with his beer.
“Another headache?” I sympathise as I walk over, hoping Cas’s behaviour had nothing to do with it.
He nods, then puts his hand to his head, clearly regretting his action.
“You go to the optometrist like you were going to?”
Keeping his head still as he remembers not to move it again, he confirms, “My vision’s twenty-twenty she said. No need for glasses.”
So his headaches must be something else. “You go to your VA appointment?”
His lips press together, then he admits, “Not yet, but I think I will. Can’t keep putting up with these pains, Mace.”
“You have been getting them a lot. Advil work?”
“Eventually. Maybe they can prescribe something stronger.”
The fact he’s even thinking about it shows his pain must be bad. “If you want company when you go, I’ll be with you, Brother.”
He leans his head back against the couch and sighs. “At least it’s back to normal now without the kids.”
“Yeah.” I grin. “Will save us a few bucks at least, but I’m going to miss Esme.”
“She won’t see that drawing of hers Ink’s doing on your bike.”
She might. I’ve already thought of taking a ride down to Flagstaff to show her once it’s done, and to check she’s doing alright.
“Oh fuck no.” Sparky’s voice sounds from the bar and his fist thumps the wood. “Not a-fuckin-gain.”
Turning around, I groan.
“What’s up, Brother?” Lizard asks without opening his eyes.
“Vi’s just put another fuckin’ swear jar on the bar.”
Prez’s old lady hears me and comes over with a big grin on her face. “When Theo’s around, you watch your mouths. We’ll have another one soon when Mel and Pyro’s kid’s born.”
“Got to bring this up in church,” Liz mumbles. “This is a fuckin’ biker clubhouse, not a kindergarten.” His fingers press into his temples again.
“I can’t tell the difference sometimes.” Vi laughs, then she frowns. “You sure you’re okay, Liz?”
“Hunky dory.” Lizard opens his eyes and winks. Looks like that Advil might be kicking in. He’s certainly got a little more colour.
At that moment, the clubhouse door opens, and in walks Shayla. She’d been staying out of the way at Mo’s. Jayden’s with her.
Shayla’s critical eyes scan the room, clearly noticing Esme’s missing. I walk over to her and as soon as I’m close, she asks anxiously, “Everything go okay here?”
I notice the sadness in her face. “You’re going to miss her, aren’t you?”
“I am,” she confirms. “I thought I’d be relieved, you know? But I’ve been looking out for her all these months, and it feels a bit like I’ve lost a limb. She’s such a sweet kid, Mace.”
“Her parents love her.” Vi has appeared, overheard, and tries to put Shayla’s mind at ease. “Esme ran straight to them with no hesitation. It destroyed her dad to learn what happened to her.”
I’m glad to hear it went down well, not having been here myself. “I’m sure they’ll get her the help she needs. Time for you to think about you, now, Shayla, and what you want. Time for you to heal.” I give Vi a nod of thanks that she’d updated us, but signal with my eyes that I’ll take it from here.
I lead Shayla to a free couch and hold up two fingers to Dirt. Almost before we’ve got our asses on the seat, two beers appear in front of us. Picking up one of the bottles, she takes a long swallow.
“Needed that.” She wipes the back of her hand over her mouth. “This afternoon, with Mo, was… interesting.”
I chuckle. I expect it was. Mo’s quite a force to be reckoned with. She’s Hellfire’s wife, and when he was the prez, was the club’s first lady, even if she steered clear of the clubhouse most of the time. Of course, her history isn’t pretty. She was raped by Blackie, the prez before Hellfire, and Hellfire killed the man who was his father. While it’s never been confirmed, rather than Hell being Demon’s dad, we suspect he’s his brother. But who needs to know the true fucking family lines? Blood, as I’d told Cas, counts for nothing. Hellfire had raised Demon like a son, whatever the truth of the matter. Still, Mo had never completely gotten over her unease with the club.
That thought makes me wonder whether Shayla will ever recover.
“You talk to Mo?” I wonder if it might have helped if she had, though part of me worries. You can never tell which way Mo’s going to jump. “Mo’s been through some bad shit herself.”
Shayla’s head tilts. “No, she didn’t say anything, and I didn’t offer. She was pleasant enough but didn’t seem receptive to confidences.”
It could have been a missed chance. “I still think you should speak to someone.”
Shayla understands what I’m saying. “I don’t know, Mace. I don’t see myself talking to a therapist, or not yet. I’ve been so focused on running, on keeping Esme out of Major’s hands, that I haven’t really thought about myself, apart from getting rid of this fucking tattoo, of course. Talking means dredging everything up again. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.”
“You will, babe. You will. You’ll move on.”
She shakes her head. Her disbelief is the reason I think seeing a therapist will work. She’ll only exist, not thrive, when she distrusts all men. As I watch her drink her beer again, her throat working so gracefully as she swallows, I admit I’d like her to at least trust me. I also admit I have fantasies about her being in my bed but have no idea whether I’d ever be able to get her into it.
When she goes to lean forward and replace the empty bottle on the table, I help out by taking it from her. As our fingers accidentally touch, she jumps as though scalded, then looks sheepish.
“Babe, why don’t I look into making you an appointment?”
She frowns. “No point, Mace. Now that Esme’s gone, I was thinking of moving on.”
My brow creases. Now that she’s put it out there, I know I don’t want her to go, and not just because I don’t think it’s safe. I don’t want her leaving for selfish reasons. “Sort of getting used to you being around. Why don’t you stay? You’ve got to get the rest of your tat done for a start. You’re safe here. You’re not going to get any trouble from anyone, and Pyro’s offered you a job starting Monday.”
“The job sounded good when I had Esme to think of. Now I’m alone…” her voice trails off. “I don’t know what to do, Mace.”
“What were your plans, your dreams? Before you were taken?” Suddenly a thought hits me. “Did you have a man? Were you married?” If so, wouldn’t she have gone back to him? Asked for help at the least.
She blinks slowly. “I had a man. Well, I thought I had. When I escaped, I had no money. I managed to borrow a phone from someone at a shelter, and I called him. His voice… Hearing his voice made me hope everything would be alright. But I’d been gone a year, and he’d moved on. There was a woman talking in the background. I begged him for help, but he didn’t believe my story. Said it had hurt him too much when I’d walked out and not bothered to contact him. I tried to say it wasn’t my fault, but he refused to hear it. He’d assumed I’d left for another man. I told him I hadn’t, tried to explain...” Her face distorts with remembered pain. “He called me a whore. When I asked just for a bit of money to tide me over—a loan, not a gift—he told me to earn it on my back.”
“You want to give me his fuckin’ name?”
“Why?”
“So I can kill him for you.”
The fleeting grin breaking through her pain shows me she thinks I’m joking. I’m not.
She grows serious again. “His suggestion was not even an option. You know I can’t stand a man touching me. I can’t even stand a man being close. That time, when we first ran, and I needed a ride out of Vegas… I froze, I vomited after. I know I couldn’t do that again.”
I don’t point out we’re sitting opposite each other, so close our knees are no more than an inch apart. Leaned forward as we both are, our foreheads are all but touching. I can feel her exhaled breaths on my face. I don’t mention any of that.
“I’ve tried a new recipe.” Mel’s standing beside me, a plate in her hand. “Want to test it out?”
We both accept her offer of a delicious looking cupcake without further persuasion. Shayla takes a mouthful and groans as the flavour hits her taste buds. “Mmm. So good.”
“I’ve got another batch, I’ve just taken out of the oven.” Mel’s smiling broadly at Shayla’s obvious appreciation. “Want to be my tester?”
Satan’s Devils MC -Colorado Box Set: Books 4-6 Page 96
