It was the musings filling my head which blocked out my awareness of my surroundings. Not that I’d done anything different were I thinking about something else instead, I can’t blame Rodger for what happened. Of course I knew women shouldn’t walk alone at night, but I never thought something would happen to me. Until it did.
I’d been completely oblivious that the luxury of wondering whether the man I chose to be with was the one with whom I wanted to stay, or anything I had any say over would be stripped away. That I could accept or turn down any man who wanted to fuck me was no longer an option. When I was taken, my preference counted for nothing. I had no say in anything. It was a hard lesson to learn, but learn it I did. I’d do what I was told, or I’d be beaten and tortured until I complied.
My comfortable, if boring, life had disappeared in a flash. My world became one of pain, fear and suffering instead. Until Esme appeared, I’d become resigned that my only release would end with my death.
Esme had given me something to fight for. My determination only grew as she became so scared, she wouldn’t talk. Things that were done to me shouldn’t be suffered by any woman, let alone a child. I knew I’d do anything to save her, even when I’d given up on saving myself.
At the time, I couldn’t see how we could get out, just knew we either had to, or I’d die in the attempt. Major’s belief that he’d fully broken me offered a chance. Desperation drove me to carry out the attempt which seemed to have little likelihood of success. But fortune had been with us that night, and we’d fled.
It was fear of her being recaptured that spurred me to do what I had done and allow that truck driver to have me, so he’d take us out of Nevada. He’d griped after that it had been far from the best fuck of his life, as all I could do was lie there shaking and unmoving, hating his hands on me, and as for his dick? I froze when that had touched me.
But he’d fulfilled his part of the bargain and hadn’t pressed for a repeat.
It was at that point I knew I’d never willingly let a man near me again in my life.
I hated what I’d become. I was now a woman fearful of men. Far from regarding them as equals, I now knew how they could control me with their superior strength and their ability to inflict pain. I was terrified of darkness descending if I wasn’t safe inside at night. I was a wreck but held it together for Esme. Esme had kept me as alive as much as I’d done her.
I hadn’t told Mace when he’d persuaded me to give up my waitressing job that I’d already been in danger of being fired. Andy was losing patience and profit with me working there. I’d dropped too many plates to count, jumping when a man got too close, or had tried to grab my ass as I was bent over a table cleaning up. I hated not earning a living, but it hadn’t taken much persuasion for me to stop going to the diner to work.
One moment in time. One shift in the universe and the planets aligned against me. Everything had changed, my life turned on its head.
I often think back to that final night, not the day when I last saw Rodger, but going out for a drink with the accountant. I’d been a confident woman, completely comfortable spending time with a man I knew via work. I didn’t question I could hold my own in a masculine world.
My experiences have revealed my true self. Now, far from being a strong independent woman, I know I’m weak. Maybe I always was, seeing as how I’d allowed Rodger to take advantage for far too long.
Now I know the depravities men will stoop to. They don’t even have to have brains, it’s their brawn which counts. They can act on their desires when I can do nothing to stop them. Men, I’ve learned, don’t understand ‘no, stop, it hurts’. They don’t care as long as they get what they’re after.
I couldn’t let myself be taken again; I wouldn’t survive if Major found me. I can’t say why, but something tells me Major doesn’t mark someone as property and then let them go, not without doing everything he could to recover them, leaving no stone unturned in the process. He’ll kill me for covering his tattoo.
I’d tried to dismiss that thought as soon as it went through my head, but the evidence was something I couldn’t forget. One of the other women rubbed and rubbed her back against some brickwork in an effort to remove it herself. That her back was raw and bloody wasn’t enough. He poured petrol on her, set her alight and forced the rest of us to watch her burning. The message had been clear. We were his for the rest of our lives.
I knew getting mine and Esme’s tattoos removed were a risk, but given the options of staying free or him taking me back, it was one I was willing to take. I never wanted anyone to see my back and ask me who I belonged to, or heaven help me, try to find him so they can do the opposite of what the Satan’s Devils were doing, and return me to Major.
When I’d first arrived at the compound, I was nervous, wondering what they wanted from me. But they raised no finger to hurt me, nor made any demands I’d be unable to fulfil. I saw the Devils were doing all they could to help me, even though I don’t understand why, except it seems, their view of women is in direct contrast to Major’s. They found Esme’s parents and having checked they were a loving family, reunited her with them. Their actions couldn’t be faulted. Me? They’re allowing to stay while the work on my tattoo is completed. I’ve felt secure here, safe from Major.
But I’m no longer their focus, and nor should I be. The Devils are preoccupied with one of their own in the hospital. Just how safe is it to stay?
It’s best to keep moving.
There’s an uneasiness inside me about allowing myself to get too comfortable here. If I’m tempted to put down roots in one place, Major is certain to catch up with me. I’d promised myself when I’d escaped that I’d keep moving on. It worries me how I’m starting to relax with the men of the club around me. That’s dangerous. I can’t afford to let my guard down.
So why did I just have my hands on Mace?
Mace has been nothing but kind to me, careful and respectful, but still he’s got a cock and balls which makes him no different to the rest. I had been determined to keep my distance from him and everyone else.
But tonight, he was hurting. His best friend could be dying, or if he comes around, who knows who he’ll awake as. Mace might have lost the man he knows for good.
Something like this is draining, I know. I’d already lost my parents in a car accident when I was just a kid, and my Gramma had raised me. I’d sat by her hospital bed, hoping she’d wake one last time, but she never did. For her it was blissful, her suffering from the cancer which had ravaged her ended at last. I’d felt lost and helpless when she’d taken her last breath. Yes, I know the pain of that hoping, that eternal optimism that you’ll speak to someone again, that it hadn’t been the last time you’d heard their voice.
With Lizard there’s more hope, or at least I pray there is. If it hadn’t been for Lizard, I’d never have come to the club and Esme would still be with me, and not home with her family.
If Lizard had just covered my tattoo without delving deeper, Esme and I would be struggling simply to put food in our mouths. He knew there was something seriously wrong when I tried to pass her off as an adult. But while he could have, he didn’t wash his hands of us and send us away. He was the reason we were given refuge, a place of safety, somewhere to catch my breath.
I owe Lizard.
When Mace had sat down beside me as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders and seemed so worried and tense, I knew there was nothing I could do to help Lizard, but perhaps I could help his friend instead.
Mace’s short hair allowed me to see his muscles were knotted and tight. Having received the benefit of many a massage, I knew what to do to ease his physical ache. Without stopping to question myself, I’d placed my hands on his shoulders.
The groan, not in the least sexual, but of relief, had encouraged me to keep kneading, to keep working out those kinks. Then, I’d found myself inviting him into my room.
I don’t think he’d noticed me momentarily freeze, my sudden fear he’d take it as an of
fer for something else. But when he didn’t mention the door staying open, and made no threatening move, I relaxed once again.
As did he. I could feel his muscles loosening as my hands worked and we talked. I spent more time than I expected alone with a man, but Mace didn’t make a move or a pass, for which I was more than grateful. It was like how the men who I used to work with would treat me, as if I was one of them. Something to offer other than my female attributes.
Then out of the blue he asked me to promise I wouldn’t leave. Because he’d worry about me.
I’m not used to anyone being concerned for me. Rodger hadn’t given a damn about my account of what had actually happened. He’d made up a story in his head and preferred to believe that fiction instead, so he could get back to the woman who’d replaced me without having to carry any guilt.
Mace cares. For a woman who means nothing to him. For a woman who’s damaged far beyond mending.
For a woman who can give nothing back.
But if staying a little longer makes his mind easier and allows him to concentrate on his friend, that’s little enough to ask of me and something in my power to give.
As long as Major doesn’t catch up with me.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Mace
Shayla’s promise to stick around and her confidence Liz will be returning right as rain bolsters me as I descend the stairs and enter the meeting room. Her massage leaving me feeling more energised than any shower in the world could.
As I walk toward my chair, I notice that the Prez and the VP are still missing, other than that, I’m the last one to arrive.
“Why are we here?” Judge asks to no one in particular.
“No fuckin’ idea,” Pal responds. “But obviously Prez has something to say.”
“Probably setting up a rotation to be at the hospital,” Thunder puts in.
“Not allowed in his room,” I tell him.
“Think one of us should be there anyway. Need someone close for when he wakes up,” Cad says.
If he wakes up. There’s a feeling of dread inside me that Lizard may not survive the operation. If the tumour proves malignant, or even benign but has done serious damage, perhaps it’s best if he never does. Can’t think that way. But it’s hard to stop. Keep positive. But I, we, need to prepare ourselves for the worst. If the worst wasn’t possible, we wouldn’t be sitting around this table today.
“Still having difficulty getting my head around it,” Ink states, making me realise the conversation is continuing and I’d zoned out for a while. “Yesterday he was fine.”
“Yesterday he was in agony. Went to bed early,” Sparky corrects.
It reminds me I knew about his headaches, and I did fuck all about them. What if I’d marched him to the VA to get him looked at? What if… what if… I could drive myself crazy if I continue this torture about what I could have done and hadn’t.
The door opens. Prez and Beef walk in and take their seats. All conversation stops as everyone waits for what Prez will say. Except for me. I already know.
Demon looks drained and tired as he starts to speak. “Called you all together as we’ve got to make some decisions for Liz.”
“If you’re going to talk about long-term care or funeral fuckin’ arrangements—” Ink begins.
“And don’t mention pulling the fuckin’ plug,” growls Thunder.
Prez slams his fist on the table. “No, I’m fuckin’ not talking about any of that. Far too soon to know what we’re dealing with, and that’s the reason I’m bringing everyone up to speed. We don’t know which way it’s going to go for Liz, so whatever we decide has ramifications for him.”
“Decide on what?” Thunder asks, looking confused.
“Mace, will you fill them in?”
I toss Demon a glare that he’s leaving it up to me, then take a deep breath as I try to find the right place to start. “When Liz was on his last tour, he got fucked up and it messed with his brain. That, you all know.”
“He’s in a fuckin’ hospital bed, as a result,” Buzz observes. “Think that gives us the idea.”
I ignore him. “What you don’t know, is that it had lasting effects. He’s lost a huge chunk of his memory, meaning he’s got a wife and a kid who he doesn’t know. He can’t remember getting married, or his son being born. The gap in his head spans about five years or so.”
Collectively, everyone sits forward, hanging onto my every word.
Ink is shaking his head. “No fuckin’ way. There is no way Lizard’s ever been married, as for a kid, he’s got none, or none that he knows.”
Prez takes over. “You’re right Ink, none that he knows, and that’s due to the fucking big hole in his memory. Point is, not knowing he was married, he never got divorced, well, who can blame him? How can you divorce a wife you don’t know exists?”
“She walked out and fucking left him?” Hellfire is first to react.
“No,” I refute fast. “He left her. See, they tried to make a go of it.” I sigh, wondering how best to explain it. “At first, he could remember nothing at all. Nothing stuck from one day to the next. He was recovering, but slowly. Forcing him to face something he couldn’t remember wasn’t helping one bit. The advice she was given was to let him go. She loved, loves him, so acted on their advice, only expecting it to be temporary. But, as you now know, he never did get his memory back.”
“But she exists,” Rusty says. The thoughtful look on his, and mirrored on other faces, makes me wonder who’s going to be the first to put two and two together.
“She does,” agrees Beef. “We’ve got to decide whether she ought to know about Lizard. While Prez’s name’s written in the official records, she’s actually his next of kin. Both her and her son. If anything is going to happen to Liz, perhaps she deserves to be told.”
It’s Thunder who puts two and two together first. He sits forward, palms flat to the table. “Vanna and Cas. Christ, no wonder the kid looks so much like him.”
“What the fuck?” Like all the others, eyes come to me. “How long have you known, Mace?”
I hold up my hands. “Not long. Yeah, I may have misled you a bit. I know I’d implied I’d known her for years, but in truth it’s not been long at all. That she is the wife of a good fuckin’ friend was not a lie.” One of the best, I add in my head.
“Did he know?” Judge snarls. “You brought her here, Mace. Did seeing her tip him over the edge?” He glares at me accusingly.
“Why did you bring her here?” asks Sparky.
“Christ, Mace. You thinking you made a fuckin’ mistake?” Bomber looks distraught.
“He’s got a fuckin’ tumour,” I remind them sharply, defending and controlling myself at the same time. “Whether or not seeing Vanna and Cas triggered something, it was going to get him at some point.” Wasn’t it? “And first, I didn’t bring her, she came here herself. And second, you saw him,” I respond defensively. “He had no fuckin’ idea who she was. Told her she wasn’t his type if you remember.” But that’s another of my ‘what-ifs’ coming back to haunt me. Is there a chance seeing Vanna and Cas had fucked with his mind, made things worse or accelerated them?
“Why the fuck has she turned up now?” Buzz asks quite reasonably. “Why, after all these years?”
“Money,” Hellfire snaps. “Bitch needs money.”
Shaking my head and frowning at Hell, I take a moment to explain the trouble she’s having with the boy, how he could do with a guiding hand.
“Saw that my fuckin’ self,” Rusty says when I’ve finished my summary.
“It was Liz’s ride he touched and started,” Pyro begins, his hand cupping his chin. “That sounds like it could have been a cry for help. Kid wanted his father’s attention any way he could get it.”
“Didn’t work,” Judge remarks. “Got him sent off the compound instead.”
“Why didn’t you tell us, Prez?” Hell sends an accusing look my way, before frowning at his son.
Demon snarls a
t his father. “Yeah? I can just see us now, seated around the table with Lizard in attendance and discussing a wife and kid he didn’t even know he had.” His tone is the epitome of sarcasm. “Tell him his kid might go to juvie or into the system? Laid that on him nice and thick? How would that have gone down, Hellfire?”
“Lizard’s not here,” Thunder starts, looking like he’s gathering his thoughts together, “and we sent her away from the club. Say the worst happens and the kid gets taken away and put into the system, or goes to juvie. What if Lizard gets his memory back and finds out we could have done something to prevent it? I couldn’t look my brother in the face and say I did nothing. If that kid stays with his mom who’s clearly at the end of her wits, unless someone steps up and helps out, that kid’s going to go from bad to worse. We all know, we’ve fucking lived it.”
“Juvie for me.” Sparky raises his hand. “One stupid fuckin’ mistake and I was sent down.
“Foster care.” Cad raises his head. “Didn’t even do anything to earn that punishment ‘cept exist. Worked out in my case, but I was one of the lucky ones.”
“Juvie then prison,” admits Buzz. “But it wasn’t all bad, learned my accounting skills while I was in there, as well as how to kill a man with my bare hands.”
“Useful skills, both.” Cad winks.
Prez glares. “Here are the two things to decide on. First, do we tell Vanna about Lizard and how ill he is, and second, do we help out with the kid?”
“She still loves him,” I tell them, in case they need additional persuasion. “That ring on her finger was given to her by him, and she’s been faithful since the day he left.”
Hellfire stares at his son. “You don’t think Lizard is coming home, do you?”
Demon looks at me, and I wince, then listen as he tells them, sadly, “There’s a fuckin’ lot that can go wrong. Reading between the lines of what the neurologist was telling us, it’s hard to say this, but his chances are little better than fifty-fifty.”
That pronouncement makes up Hell’s mind. “Then you can’t keep the wife out of this, especially if she’s still carrying a torch for him. What if you were unconscious, possibly dying and facing a life-threatening operation? Vi would want to be there.”
Satan’s Devils MC -Colorado Box Set: Books 4-6 Page 99
