“Liz has a problem with his hand and might never be able to tattoo again.” Again, I don’t want anyone to live with false hope.
“And it might be temporary and sort itself as his body heals.” Demon’s not letting me get away with that.
Liz had been pleased he’d gotten his dream job, as he’d called it. But we haven’t discussed he might not be able to do it again. With him, I’ve been concentrating on the positives, but out of his sight, I’ve been forcing myself to be realistic.
“But I live in Denver,” I object. “And Cas’s school—”
“We’ve got schools in Pueblo. Did you know that?”
I roll my eyes. “Cas won’t want to leave his friends.”
“Seems his friends aren’t good ones if he gets into the shit he’s done. Do the kid good to make new ones.”
Demon may well have a point. But, “Lizard won’t want to come to the club. He hates bikers and everything they stand for. He’d have a fit if he knew I was working for you.”
“Hell, woman. Have you even met us? Have you not accepted our hospitality? Are you not happy to have us help out with Cas? Fuck.” Demon looks angry. “Liz’s view’s from before he met us, he changed once, and he can change again. You know how he came to us?”
I shake my head, admitting no. Lizard can’t remember and no one else told me his story.
“He was invited to stay with a friend of his in Denver, a man called Hatch.” I nod, I knew that much.
“They’d been in basic together,” I confirm.
“Yeah. Well, Hatch had a motorcycle, and encouraged Liz to get one. They were out riding one day, and some idiot in a truck was texting or something, swerved over their side of the road. They were riding two up, Hatch on the outside. He got the brunt of it, head-on collision, died immediately. Liz laid his bike down but escaped with scratches.”
I gasp.
“It happened close to Pueblo. Liz’s bike needed to be fixed, it was trailered into our shop. Liz needed someone. Mace was at the shop at the time. Saw he was in shock and brought him back to the club. Well, Hatch’s place was rented, and he was dead, so Liz had nowhere to go. We offered him a room, and apart from collecting his clothes and attending Hatch’s funeral, he never returned to Denver. He found his place here. As you know, he’d always been interested in tattooing, so we set him to work in our shop, let him do his apprenticeship which he came through with flying colours. The civilian who managed it was looking to retire, so once Liz proved himself, we gave him the job and never had reason to regret it.”
Demon stops talking and cocks a brow at me.
“You think he’ll do that again? Stay here and see something he likes and change his mind about the club?”
“Lizard is a biker, Vanna. He’s one of us. So yeah, I think there’s a pretty good chance. Even if he never remembers, he could start all over again. Repeat the process and again take the journey from strangers to friends.” He sighs deeply. “If you’re considering you, personally, would prefer to slot Lizard into your nice civilian life, think about this. Ink, Mace, Pyro and Liz are tight, and you know why?” It’s a rhetorical question as he waits for no answer. “They’ve all served. They’ve all got the same need, to be part of a team. To know there are others around them who’ll all have their six. The man he was then, and the man he is now, will more than want that. It’s as crucial to him as air, food and water.”
I frown. “Are you saying Cas and I won’t be enough for him?”
“Yes.” He gives it to me direct. “Was Lizard ever a nine-to-five man? Was he happy being a civilian?”
His question pulls me up. “I don’t know,” I respond honestly. “I met him when he was a Marine. After he got out, well, that’s when he couldn’t remember. He was unsettled, but I thought that was because of the injury to his head.”
“I suspect it was because he was missing the camaraderie that comes with having his team around him. That’s why he headed for Hatch, and that’s why he stayed when he arrived here.”
Maybe he’s right. Maybe not.
“And,” Demon continues, “think about the benefits of him being here while he convalesces. If you’re at the clubhouse, you’ll have support. Looking after any invalid is challenging. Liz is going to get frustrated when he can’t do things for himself. Being here, you’ll have people to share the burden, to help him if he needs it, and for you to go to and vent with when it gets too much. He and Cas can ease into a relationship without being thrown immediately into being a son and a dad.”
I hadn’t really thought what it would be like after I took Lizard home. Like so many things thrown at us in life, it was something I’d have to deal with as best I could. I have a small two-bedroom rented house and have to admit to doubt in my mind about Liz and I slipping back into sharing a room, or more precisely, a bed. I haven’t been intimate with him in a very long time, and while I still find him attractive, he’s expecting a much younger woman to undress and slide between the sheets. Ideally, we need time before we pick up where we left off, if that’s even going to be possible.
But here, would I equally be expected to share his room? “What would be the sleeping arrangements?”
“There are two bedrooms you can use. Lizard’s own, of course, and mine and Vi’s where you are now. Who goes where is up to you to decide. No need to change where you are at the moment, you can continue sharing with Cas.”
Has he got answers to everything? “You’re missing one important thing. How the hell do I get him to come here?”
“Can he drive?” There’s a glint in Demon’s eyes.
I shake my head and narrow my eyes. Of course, he can’t.
He chuckles. “Then I don’t think he’s got much choice.”
He’s suggesting I kidnap my husband. The thought actually makes me smile. But he’s right, there’s little Lizard could do about it. Obviously bringing him here against his will is not the answer, though how I can persuade him I don’t know. I’ll have to give it a try. I stand. “I’ve got to get back. I’ll think about what you’ve said, Demon. I have to do what’s right, for him and for Cas.”
“And for you.” Those intense dark eyes stare into mine. “Tell him we’re thinking of him, okay?”
“I can’t even do that, Demon. He hasn’t a clue we’re here. I think he thinks we’re staying in a hotel or something.” I haven’t lied, just haven’t corrected his misassumptions.
A jerk of his chin shows me I don’t need to explain.
I have a quick word with Cas on my way out. As expected, he wants to hear any news if things haven’t gone as expected with the scan but would prefer to stay here rather than come with me. I understand. Firstly, it’s boring sitting around a hospital bed for any length of time, and secondly, conversations are stilted between Lizard and his son. I know both are trying, but one doesn’t know how to assimilate a strange man into his life, and Lizard resents a child being close to having grown into a man. They both need learn who each other is now, and I suspect their relationship won’t settle until they’ve both had some time.
On the drive back to the hospital, I think about the job Demon offered me, a temporary one only until Liz can either take back the reins or decide to move on from this life he can’t remember. I’m sure it can’t be too hard, it’s not a big shop after all. And I might appreciate being able to get out from under Liz’s feet all the time. I’m not the woman I was ten years ago, I’ve spent too long being independent. Like Cas, I’ve got to forge a different type of relationship with Liz now. He might think he can step back in and pick up where he left off, but he can’t.
When I walk into his room, Liz is sitting up, awkwardly forking some food into his mouth with his left hand.
“Hi. How was the scan?”
“Fuckin’ uncomfortable,” he grumbles. “Made my head hurt.”
“Did you get some rest afterwards?”
He nods.
“Did they say how it was looking?” Typical man. Looks like I’ll ha
ve to drag every answer out of him.
“There’s still a lot of swelling that needs to go down, but it’s going in the right direction, apparently. They’re going to do another scan on Friday, then if that’s okay, I can go home on Saturday.”
“That’s great.” Getting him out of here will hopefully be a major step toward his recovery.
“They want to know who my doctor will be in Denver, so they can get my notes sent down.”
“I’ll deal with that,” I say promptly, while in the back of my mind I come up with another good reason for staying local. He’d be close if he needs to see the consultant again. Consistency is often good in any treatment.
Liz seems comfortable with my offer to sort things out on his behalf. He places the empty plate on the table and changes the subject. “Tell me about Cas. What does he like to do? How’s he getting on at school?”
I spend some time giving him a rundown of our son’s likes, dislikes and achievements, with Lizard querying stuff he doesn’t know, such as the latest Xbox games when I say Cas is a fan. He shakes his head when he realises how much has moved on in the twelve years he’s forgotten. Then when he’s caught up with the present, he asks me what it was like bringing Cas up on my own. I try to make light of it, but I can see him appreciate at times it was hard.
At one point he reaches over and takes hold of my hand, squeezing it. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault Liz. You couldn’t have done anything to prevent it.”
Talking has tired him out. I pick up a magazine I’d brought in with me and read as he dozes, not really concentrating on the words on the page, as recollections of the conversation I’d had with Demon go through my head.
I’d accepted my new reality would be taking my husband home to Denver and trying to make the best of things once we got there. But Liz has been gone more years than we were actually married. I still love him, else I’d have removed the wedding band from my finger, wouldn’t I? But much of this man lying sleeping on the hospital bed is a stranger. I’ll have to find out if I can live with the man he is now, and he’ll have to do the same with me.
As Liz isn’t in danger of dying, mid-evening I cease my vigil by the side of his bed and drive back to the compound. Of course, I barely get in the door before I get questions thrown at me.
“How is he, Vanna?”
“Improving,” I inform the two men who asked, Rusty and Hellfire. “He’s had a scan and they’re pleased with the progress he’s made. He’ll have another on Friday, and then should be able to come out at the weekend.”
I notice all the men are around and remember it’s Wednesday, and they held their meeting called church earlier. My eyes narrow as I see the whores coming out to play, and I walk over to Cas who’s immersed in a game of pool with Pyro.
Waiting discreetly until Pyro wins, I step in only after the last ball is sunk. “Cas, time to get upstairs.”
Glancing anxiously behind me, I see Pyro catching my silent plea for help and he gives me a quick grin. “Time for me to get Mel home.”
Cas starts to object, but I toss him my best mom glare. “Wills has set an Xbox up for you in our room. You can play on that for a while.”
“Don’t see why I can’t stay down here,” he complains.
Pyro’s passing, having collected Mel from the kitchen and overhears. “Kids and old ladies aren’t welcome after a certain time. You know this, Cas.”
“I know what goes on.” My son looks stubborn.
“You want to outstay your welcome?” Pyro sternly replies. “Men want to be men, Cas. That means no one underage in the clubroom.”
Cas tosses his pool cue onto the table and stomps across the room to the stairs. I give a weak smile toward Pyro, then follow my son. Live porn, or any porn is not something I want my son subjected to or not just yet, nor the drunken and rowdy behaviour when the men let down their hair.
I want to make myself scarce too. I know this was Lizard’s life when he lived apart from me. It’s hard to accept he knows all these club girls intimately and I hate that they’ve had more years with him than he had with me.
I climb the stairs slowly. All I’ve wanted for twelve years is for my husband to come back. Now it seems he intends to, I realise what a stranger he’ll be, and how difficult it will be just to pick up where we left off. Add Cas and his teenage behaviour into the mix, and I know it could be explosive. Instead of a male figure being a positive influence in his life, it might be a disaster and send Cas further off the rails. Liz has no idea how to be a dad to someone his age.
He thinks he can control him like a two-year-old. He can’t, he needs completely different handling. One thing I’ve learned is, it’s best to give way on things that don’t really matter in order to have wins where they count.
I suppose the best news is that the charges against Cas have been dropped. But is that a good thing or bad? Will it just teach him he can get away with that shit? That’s not the lesson he should be learning.
I huff a laugh. I always thought if my husband ever recovered his memory all my problems would disappear. In reality, it appears they’re only just starting.
Chapter Thirty
Lizard
I apparently recovered from a traumatic brain injury I got in Afghanistan. Well, if you can call it a recovery. I forgot my wife, didn’t acknowledge my kid, and even accused her of stepping out on me as I couldn’t remember him being born. Fuck, I probably accused her of faking the marriage certificate.
Now I’ve forgotten that I ever forgot, though my memory is still playing tricks on me. I remember Hatch—must make time to contact him as soon as I’m well enough—and of course remember Vanna, but not as she is now. And Cas? Well, it seems I’ve got a teenager and not a little kid. That’s fucking hard to wrap my head around.
As I can last envisage her, Vanna hadn’t lost all her baby weight. I recall her worrying about it though that hadn’t mattered a damn to me. Those stretch marks and slightly rounded belly were just evidence she’d grown my baby inside her for nine months. Now? Well, in my head I’m more than a decade younger, and I’d never thought I’d go for an older woman. While I’d never admit it, that’s what she seems to me. Why can’t I look at her and feel horny, just as I used to?
She’s my wife. She’s stayed faithful. I owe it to her to stay with her, pick up where we left off, and step into my role as Cas’s father.
Can we make this work?
There’s been changes to me, changes I don’t remember. My body is covered in tats and I don’t even know why I got some of them, or what the images signify. I’ve got a full back patch with the Satan’s Devils’ insignia. I’d been horrified to spot that. It was proof they hadn’t been lying when I was told I was a member of an outlaw motorcycle gang, the sort my real friends had always warned me about. That’s not who I am. The loss of my memory must have caused an aberration in my brain, as who I was, and who I’ve woken up as, would never ride with such men.
They’re criminals, we all know that. MCs run drugs, women and guns. They live with constant danger, fighting rival MCs and hiding what they do from the cops. Maybe a deeply hidden desire to end myself attracted me into their life?
I hope they’re leaving my woman and kid alone. I’m thankful Vanna and Cas are at a hotel, and not at the club. I’ll have to see what money I’ve got and help Vanna out to pay for that. Hopefully I’ll be out Saturday and we can return to her home. Her home, not mine. I’ve never seen it. All I can remember is living with her in San Diego.
We’ll be in the same bedroom.
Will we fuck? I’m not sure I’ll be able to, not having yet felt the slightest twitch in my cock, but my recent surgery will be a good excuse that will work at least for the immediate future.
I’m feeling cheated. The mirror in the bathroom shows nobody is lying when they say twelve years has passed by. It’s undeniable that I’ve grown older. My face is lined, even more so than Vanna’s, my skin leathery presumably from riding in
all weathers and my hair long in a style I immediately hated. I even found a couple of grey pubic hairs when I’d had a close look.
In truth though, I feel about seventy. I hate the weakness on my right side. I’ve been told I’m a tattoo artist and a good one at that, though it’s hard to believe that seeing the state I’m currently in. My hand isn’t strong enough to hold a gun, and it shakes so much when I just try to lift it. How can I work when I can’t even hold a fork? For the time being, I’ll have to rely on Vanna and whatever military pension I get. Another thing stacked against us; I’ve never leaned so heavily on a woman before.
Whether or not my movement comes back, I’ll have to leave my current job. For one thing, it’s here, not Denver, and the other, I want nothing to do with the owners, the Satan’s Devils motorcycle club. It’s probably a front to launder money. I must have been lucky not to have been arrested and serve time in the intervening years. Or, if I have, no one’s yet told me.
The doctors have said it’s unpredictable whether I’ll get my memory back. Something tells me I’m suppressing it, as there’s no way I want to return to who I was. Who’d want to remember they were a biker for fuck’s sake? Not me, that’s for sure. Instead, I’ll move forward, I’ll step up and be a husband and father.
Am I? Can I?
“How are you feeling, Dad?”
“Hi, Cas. Come in. Where’s your mother?”
“She’s talking to the nurse.” Cad frowns as he comes over, giving me a critical look. “You’re going to look odd when they remove that bandage.”
I am indeed. Too anxious to deal with anything but removing the tumour, they’d shaved the part of my head where they’d operated and removed a piece of my skull before, apparently, gluing it back in again, but left my hair long everywhere else. I prefer the military haircut, always have. “I’ll shave it all off,” I tell him. I won’t mind doing that. Who lets their hair grow long anyway? Only rockers and greasy riders with a motorcycle club.
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