‘Don’t frighten us like that anymore, please,’ I tell him.
‘And make sure you give that Uber fella a decent rating,’ Lucy says from beside me.
He gives her a cuddle too and then skips away to his dad. His mum turns to me.
‘I really am sorry to have worried you with this. I swear that kid will turn me grey. How he managed to do this? Thank you…’
‘He’s safe. You found him. And you told him what’s happening, it’s a start…’
Her look back to me is filled with emotion. I don’t know what to say. It’s divorce. There are no rules with this game. I can’t judge or advise or even let you know this will work out but he knows now. She takes my hand in hers before slipping away into the corridor and the police accompany them out of the house.
Maddie pops her head around the door. ‘I guess we don’t need the defib then?’ she enquires.
‘Only for me.’ I collapse and perch myself on the coffee table.
Lucy holds a hand out and I grab it. ‘I know grown adults who can’t book Ubers,’ she says.
‘Well done, Luce.’ I mumble.
‘I thought you just sewed people up and fixed them.’
‘Well, yeah… I do that too.’
‘You’re telling me.’
She comes to sit next to me, slinging an arm around me. I think that might have just been a compliment from my sister who only ever calls me boring and dull. I’ll take that.
‘The police will have a word with him but they won’t do anything else. I persuaded them not to take it further with the parents. They’ve gone through enough,’ Maddie adds. ‘I’ll get the tea on…’ she says, escaping to the kitchen.
That vodka seems like a good option around now. I don’t remember life being this eventful. I mean there was always a sense of bedlam with two kids and a busy work schedule but everything these days is steeped in drama and emotion. I hang on to Lucy for that bit longer.
‘What a decent kid. What’s up with him then?’
‘Born with congenital heart disease.’
‘Shit.’
‘Mild understatement.’
‘Do you think that’s why they’re splitting up?’ asks Lucy.
‘Who knows? We need to get you on a first aid course though. Who doesn’t know how to take a pulse?’
‘I knew really. I also know CPR from watching Grey’s Anatomy.’
‘I’ve seen Game of Thrones, it doesn’t mean I know how to ride a dragon.’
She laughs but she looks at me through different eyes, her hug that much tighter. The moment is suddenly interrupted though by frantic knocking at the door. Is it Lewis again? The police? Lucy and I edge towards the front door and peer our heads into the hallway.
‘EMMA! ARE YOU IN THERE?’
I roll my eyes at hearing his voice. What in the hell is Simon doing here?
‘NO, SHE ISN’T! PISS OFF!’ screams Lucy. Oh Lucy, why?
‘It’s my house too, Lucy.’
‘Not anymore, I believe. And we’ve got a dog now, a huge dog and he hates wankers!’
I give Lucy a look. I hope she gets on all fours and barks through the letter box. He doesn’t stop rapping at the door. If this is him coming over because he’s forgotten a homework book or a pair of pyjamas then I will nut him.
‘How did you leave it with him before?’ I whisper to Lucy. ‘When you were late?’
‘He was a tit. I responded appropriately.’
‘So this is about that?’
‘EMMA!’
He rings the bell so its shrill tones echo through the house. Maddie comes out into the corridor to see what warrants all the noise. I answer the door, Lucy standing in a star shape like a rugby fullback trying to block the hallway.
‘What on earth is going on, Emma?’ he asks me.
‘I’m fine, Simon. How are you?’ I have no energy to deal with this intrusion.
‘Mrs Phelps from across the road called me to say there are police here? Someone ran into the house with medical gear?’
‘They’ve now gone.’
‘Why were they here?’
‘Why are you here?’
‘Because you’re my—’
‘Ex-wife?’
Maddie and Lucy are strangely silent. It never used to be like this with Simon. I was quiet and subservient; now different emotions seep through my pores. I didn’t have it in my bloodstream for all the years of our marriage, or when the divorce went through. Back then I would need troops and alcohol to prop me up.
‘I was going to say you’re the mother of my children.’ His tone is softer, trying to fake that he’s here out of concern.
‘Like that’s now important?’
‘I was trying to be nice, look out for you.’
‘Shame you never did that when you were spreading your man seed around.’
I said that, didn’t I? Man seed? Seed sounds like such a nice word too. A seed is something that may grow into something fruitful. What comes out of him, I’d liken to a bile-based manure. Lucy laughs and links arms with me.
Simon shakes his head at us. ‘This is where my daughters live so I have every right to know why the police were visiting.’
‘Our daughters,’ I reply, correcting him.
He doesn’t need to know, does he? Oh, just some kid patient popped around so I could counsel him about his parents’ divorce. On his own. We’ve sent him on his way, this time with his parents and we also may have dressed him in one of your old university rowing hoodies that we found in the airing cupboard.
‘Is there someone else here? Are you hiding someone?’
I laugh in shock. ‘Who? A man? Yes, I’m harbouring a man in the kitchen. That’s why the police were here,’ I reply sardonically.
‘I want to see for myself.’
‘This is my house. No! This is none of your business. If you want to know, it was one of those door-to-door salesman types and he got a bit forceful. Lucy was very good and called the police.’ It’s the best I can come up with.
Maddie and Lucy are not very good at this game, both looking at different spots on the ceiling. He studies each and every one of us.
‘You’re many things Emma but I didn’t take you for a liar.’
‘No, that was always you.’
‘Don’t turn this on me.’
‘Where are our girls now? Are they in the car?’
‘They’re at my flat.’
‘With your elderly mother?’
He pauses for a moment. ‘Yes.’
‘Then maybe I’ll ring Linda’s mobile. It’d be nice to check up on them.’
He stares me out. Maddie shakes her head at me. Don’t do this now, it’s been a bugger of a day and you’re full of emotion. Lucy looks confused as she doesn’t know everything but you see her willing me on. Embrace that fire, don’t let this man have the better of you.
‘Or maybe they’re with Susie?’ I say calmly.
‘Ooooh,’ cries Lucy, jigging on the spot to hear that burn.
Simon rolls his tongue over his top row of teeth. ‘The girls have obviously mentioned her then?’
‘When were you going to?’
And that’s when he breaks into the half smile he uses when he knows he has the better of me. He did this a lot when we were married. When I’d try to catch him out and ask him whose number was appearing on his mobile screen, he’d flash that smile and say it was the hospital, shrugging me off like I was imagining things.
‘I thought I was the mother of your children. I have a right to know if they’re spending time with someone that you have a relationship with.’
‘It’s not like that at all…’
‘So you’re not fucking her?’
Everyone freezes for a moment. I rarely swear but the word trips off my tongue with the hate that I thought I’d kept way down in the depths of my soul. Simon gives me that smile like I might be crazy again. He’s probably spoken to the girls. Is Mummy dating anyone? Have any men been in the ho
use? Has she replaced me yet? I doubt she has.
And I want to scream so the mirrors shatter and the paint peels off the very walls. I can’t stand you. I can’t bear to look at you and have you within the space I call my home. I am dating an anaesthetist who has already proved himself to be a million times better than you. I shagged Meg’s brother-in-law behind a pub. He made me come through my actual G-spot which I’m not sure you ever located with your sub-standard penis.
‘It’s a yes or no question, Simon?’ I’m almost laughing as I say it.
‘It’s just…’
‘Because she’s pregnant.’
Lucy’s mouth widens like some cosmic black hole ready to swallow up the universe.
‘And I do believe that’s how people get pregnant. You should know, you’re a doctor.’
Ten
648 days since Beth caught me as I fell to the floor in shame and threw up a mince pie
I am stood in the en suite trying to work out this dress. Lucy’s gone for the milkmaid theme again except this time I have a bonnet, a crook and an inflatable sheep. I’m not sure where this sheep is from but he also seems to have some sort of entry hole to its rear. I grab the disinfectant spray from under the kitchen sink and give him a spray and wipe down. I really hope no one has ejaculated in or around this sheep.
It’s the evening of Beth’s birthday party that we are hosting in my house, and Lucy went with a theme: we can dress as anything beginning with B. I am Bo Peep. I have lost my sheep except for this fella here who I prop up in my sink. Next door, Beth is on a FaceTime call with Meg and I can hear nieces and birthday songs being sung. Breathe, Emma. At least the dress is hooped and large so I can still wear flats under it. I hope I’m not expected to sing. The mention of my name next door catches my attention and I put my ear to the door.
‘What do you mean, she’s pregnant?’ I hear Meg say.
‘Simon’s new girlfriend. Lucy was here and it all went down. She confronted him about it.’
‘Emma stood up to him?’
‘Lucy says she wished she’d filmed it.’
‘How is she feeling?’
‘Because of the baby or because she stood up to Simon?’
‘Both?’
‘Do you think that’s maybe why she’s not acting like herself?’
‘How so?’
‘Well, when she was up here…’
I swing the door open to the bathroom and Meg goes quiet. However, I also release a small laugh of shock. Lucy has really done a number on the costumes and seems to have raided her party princess stash. Beth is dressed up as Belle from Beauty and the Beast complete in gold-tiered dress and white gloves, her brown hair curled around her shoulders. Together, we look like we belong in some bizarre period drama which I hope is Lucy not passing comment on our collective ages.
‘Is that Meg?’
‘It is.’
A voice pipes up from the screen. ‘What are you dressed as?’
‘Bo Peep.’ I can hear her laughing through the screen.
‘What were you talking about when I was up there?’
‘Well, I think you know Ems.’
Beth’s eyes shuttle between us. ‘Sisters, may I remind you it’s my birthday and if you have gossip then you are legally obliged to share that with me.’
‘Emma had sex with Stuart.’
Beth drops her phone to the bed and cups her hands to her face giving me the same horrified look as when Belle first met the Beast. All that’s missing is the thunder and lightning effects.
‘You did what? Not Stuart?’ she sighs, disappointed. I glare at Meg through the screen.
‘He told you?’ I ask.
‘He divulged. I can’t believe you, Emma! Please get yourself tested.’
Beth is still silent mainly out of horror that he’s managed to make his way around all us sisters with such ease.
‘I don’t get you. You’re all telling me to get out there and have some fun and when I do, you’re suddenly critical about who I do it with?’
‘It was fun?’ asks Beth.
‘It was.’
‘But Jag, you went up there with Jag. Jag is coming tonight,’ Beth carries on.
Out of all us sisters, Beth felt the breakdown of my marriage the most. Meg and Lucy were so angry that I had been wronged but I had this feeling Beth looked up to me and when it all broke down, it shattered a lot of illusions for her about marriage. She had such a strong moral compass about what was right, about how she thought relationships should be. I sit down on the bed and hold her close.
‘I’m taking my time with Jag. I don’t want it to be about the sex. I want it to be about trust and getting to know someone again.’
‘He drove with you all that way, he did such a nice thing for you.’
‘So you’re saying I should have repaid him with sex?’
‘No, I’m saying you shouldn’t have slept with Stuart.’
‘But I did and I do feel bad about Jag and I’m sorry if you think that was wrong but you know what, at least it’s out of the way.’
‘What’s out of the way?’ asks Beth.
‘The sex thing. At least I’ve had a taster session and know my vagina still works. I just needed to do that much.’
‘Have you been drinking Ems?’ asks Meg.
There’s a look on both sisters’ faces questioning my actions. This is not classic Emma. Classic Emma has sex in beds and wears matching white cotton underwear sets. This was the Emma they used to try and drag on nights out when we were in our twenties but they’d come to my flat and find me wearing pyjamas on a Friday night, hugging textbooks and drinking caffeine-free herbal teas. I can see that they think this may be symptomatic of some sort of mental breakdown.
‘Can you both chill out? I am in no way interested in pursuing things with Stuart. I went on one date with Jag so please just calm down.’
‘But you will still check your bits out, right?’
‘You make him sound like an animal.’
‘Who’s an animal?’
Lucy. I open my eyes wide. I also feel weird about having shared a sex partner with Lucy so they better not tell this girl anything or I will disown both of them automatically. She comes sauntering into the room in a pink vinyl dress, with matching knee-high boots and her hair back-combed to perfection. Beth and I look her up and down.
‘Excuse me,’ asks Beth. ‘How come we look like some Little Women tribute act and you get to be a Barbie doll?’
To be fair, I’m not sure I have the legs or the nerve to don that outfit but she has a point.
Meg laughs through the screen.
‘You can laugh, she has me in pantaloons under this dress,’ I say.
Meg smiles but also narrows her eyes, informing me her reprimand is far from over. I wave back at her mockingly.
‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUMBLEBEE, WE LOVE YOU!’ she shouts. Beth waves and blow kisses. Bumblebee was her nickname when she was growing up as she tended to bumble through life, buzzing here and there, bugging us older sisters. Why Lucy didn’t think to make this her costume is beyond me.
‘Who is an animal?’ Lucy asks.
‘Danny. She was complaining about something,’ I say.
Beth shifts awkwardly on my bed. Lucy eyeballs us both and looks in my bedroom mirror to adjust her fake eyelashes. She bends over to reveal a matching thong. I hope that’s not vinyl too. That can’t be comfortable on the bits. It’s only Beth’s birthday but Lucy will do what she does and that’s steal the show, grind in front of people and be her usual self. It’s her way, as the youngest, to garner as much attention as possible so she’s not the one on the end, totally forgotten. ‘So Lucy, who’s invited tonight?’ I ask.
She sashays over to the mirror and turns to pose, looking at us.
‘Well, all those people that were on the list. The teacher people and then your mates from school and then I’ve got some uni peeps coming… Maddie and you invited Jag and…’
I did invite Jag. I thou
ght this was perfect second date material. There’d be enough people around in case things didn’t go to plan and a chance for the sisters to see if he was up to scratch. However, I’m doing bad maths in my head about whether everyone can fit in my living space and whether we have enough toilet rolls. There’s a knock on my bedroom door. A head pops round. Will. He gives Lucy a curious look up and down which she returns.
‘William, you could have made more of an effort.’
Will, Beth’s long-term man love, is wearing his usual jeans and checked shirt but topped it with a builder’s hat and hi-vis. In his arms is baby Joe in a bear sleepsuit. He’s the honorary child at today’s proceedings as the girls are with Simon though I have a strong wish to have them here right at this moment, if only to shield me. We could have dressed them as lambs but then that wouldn’t have started with B and Lucy would have made a fuss.
Will is a strange creature. I don’t dislike him but he always looks very tired and confused about life, like he’s one of those student types that just needs to be shaken by the shoulders and told to grow up, face real life and stop acting like it’s such a big surprise.
‘I’m a builder.’
‘Well, yeah… duh,’ replies Lucy. She coos over Joe.
‘I’m going to just settle him in the travel cot then?’
Beth nods. He stands there like he’s awaiting instruction. Beth sits on the bed almost willing him to get that this is her party, she’s off duty but he doesn’t and she relents, standing up to leave the room. Naturally, Lucy doesn’t sense what’s happened there at all. She pulls her thong out of her arse. I look in the mirror. This is not a sexy outfit. I look like a virgin.
‘Lucy, where is this sheep from?’
‘It’s from my Toy Story act. Darren dresses like Woody, I wear that and sometimes we get Big Lee along and he’s Buzz Lightyear.’
‘There’s a hole at the back of this sheep.’
Lucy doesn’t look shocked. ‘The kids don’t know what that’s for. We stick the gummy sweets in there. Why do you think he looks so happy?’
Boris Johnson is at this party. He’s sitting on the sofa opposite me and the way his mask is fixed, I can’t quite tell if he’s looking at me. I find it mildly strange that even though it’s not actually him I still want to throw something at him in rage. I’m not sure what parties are supposed to be like but I think this one may be ticking over quite nicely and that may be because I’m three-quarters through a bottle of red. We have barbarians, basketball players, three Batmans, a ballerina, Bart Simpson and a Single Ladies era Beyoncé whom Lucy keeps scowling at as she’s in a leotard and is so stealing some of her Barbie Girl thunder.
Can I Give My Husband Back?: A totally laugh out loud and uplifting page turner Page 14
