“Ungrateful?” Kate supplied.
“Yes.”
“She doesn’t mean to be,” Kate said. “Mother’s miserable. I don’t think she’s had much happiness in her life. Her health is failing, and I’m afraid we won’t have her much longer. I don’t want any regrets when the time comes to bury her.”
Lanni understood what her mother meant about regrets. She felt trapped in a mire of her own might-have-beens. Not a minute passed that she didn’t think about Charles. Since her return to Anchorage, Lanni was constantly on the verge of tears.
“Are you ready for lunch?” Kate asked, linking her arm through Lanni’s.
Lanni nodded, managing a smile.
“Good.”
Kate took Lanni to her favorite seafood place. Generally Lanni was treated to this particular restaurant only on special occasions like her birthday.
They were seated in a comfortable upholstered booth; it was situated in front of a window overlooking Turnagain Arm, an elongated waterway that extended from Cook Inlet. If Lanni remembered her history correctly, Turnagain Arm had been discovered by Captain James Cook on his third and final voyage in 1778 while he was searching for the Northwest Passage. The name came from the fact that Cook and his crew had had to turn back yet again.
“Are we celebrating something?” Lanni asked, surprised by her mother’s choice of restaurant.
“You’re home.”
“I’ve been back almost a month.” Twenty-seven days to be exact. Every minute of those days had felt like a year to Lanni. It astonished her that she could have known Charles so briefly and yet loved him so intently. Every day without him was a struggle; her appetite was nonexistent, and she wasn’t sleeping well.
“Something happened while you were in Hard Luck,” her mother said quietly, studying Lanni over the top of her menu. “You haven’t said anything, but it’s obvious to your father and me that you’re unhappy.”
“It’s nothing, Mom. I’m fine.”
“You’ve lost weight, and Lanni…Oh, sweetheart, I want you to know there isn’t anything you can’t tell me. I’m your mother, and if I can’t help you, I’ll find someone who can. Please tell me what’s troubling you.”
Lanni had always been close to her mother, but never more than at that moment. She’d watched her deal effectively with her own mother’s bitterness and was aware of what a good daughter she was. Now Kate was proving once again that she was an equally good mother.
“It’s almost embarrassing to say,” Lanni began, crumpling her napkin in one fist. “I fell in love. Unfortunately the man I fell in love with is…Charles O’Halloran.”
Her mother’s eyes closed. “David O’Halloran’s son?”
“Yes,” Lanni whispered. “You told me some of what went on between David and Grammy, and Charles filled in the rest.”
“Perhaps one day you can tell me what you learned. There’s a lot I’ve never heard. But not now. What I want to know now is what happened with you and Charles. What hurt you so much?”
“He didn’t know I was related to Catherine. I…purposely hid it from him. Once he found out he wanted nothing more to do with me.”
Kate frowned. “Then the man’s a fool.”
Lanni grinned; it was a relief to smile again. “If I ever see him, which is doubtful, I’ll tell him you said so.”
Kate’s features relaxed. “Do you want to talk about him?”
Surprisingly Lanni discovered she did. She told her mother about the instant attraction she’d felt toward him, the bond they seemed to share. She described what had happened at the wedding ceremony—and afterward, when Charles had learned the painful truth about her family.
The wetness on her face shocked Lanni. She hadn’t realized she was crying. Her mother’s hand gripped hers tightly. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I’d give anything to have spared you this.”
“But you know, Mom, the funny part is I don’t regret loving Charles. Someday I’ll look back and I’ll see how knowing him, loving him, changed my life. At the moment, it’s still too raw, too painful, to see what good could possibly come of all this.” Her voice shook but she continued despite that. “It’s difficult, but I’m trusting that we were never meant to be together—just the way his father and Grammy were never meant to marry.”
Kate wiped a tear from her own eye. “You astonish me,” her mother said softly. “When did you grow up to be so wise?”
Lanni laughed and dabbed at her eyes with the napkin. “I don’t feel wise at all—the only thing I feel is empty.”
“That will change,” Kate assured her.
Lanni knew that a time of peace and acceptance would come, but it would still take a while.
All at once her mother’s face grew thoughtful. “Speaking of Charles O’Halloran, I seem to remember Matt saying something about him recently.”
“Matt wants the O’Hallorans to sell him the lodge in Hard Luck,” Lanni explained. She’d had several other conversations with him regarding the purchase of the lodge.
“Your brother’s on another of his kicks, isn’t he?” Kate gave an exaggerated sigh.
Lanni couldn’t help laughing. “This time might be different,” she said with a shrug. “I think he could do a great job with it.”
“Remember when he went to cooking school?”
“How could I forget?” Lanni asked. Matt had hoped to make his fortune with the most absurd assortment of recipes—all of which he insisted his family sample. Somehow his concoctions, teriyaki moose being his favorite, just hadn’t been the success he’d expected.
“He was a fisherman for a while, too,” her mother reminded her.
“Was that before or after he studied to be an accountant? You know, Mom, maybe—just maybe—he’ll pull this off. He is serious about wanting the lodge.”
“I only wish he’d done something earlier, before…”
Kate left the rest unsaid, but Lanni knew what her mother was thinking. If Matt had thought of buying the lodge sooner, he might have been able to save his marriage.
“I’m meeting him for dinner tomorrow evening,” Lanni said. “I’ll try to find out how his plans are going.” The real trick, she mused, would be to find out what she could about Charles without being obvious.
No, she decided abruptly, she wouldn’t ask. Charles was part of her past. He was someone she’d always love, but she wouldn’t look back.
* * *
Charles stood outside Matt Caldwell’s apartment building. He wasn’t quite sure why this meeting was necessary. Matt had phoned and said there were papers they needed to review; since Charles was already in Anchorage, he couldn’t think of a reason to refuse.
It didn’t surprise him to discover he liked Matt. Under different circumstances he would’ve been happy to call Lanni’s older brother his friend. But selling the lodge to a member of Catherine’s family was more than a gesture of goodwill. It was his own way of telling Lanni he’d always love her.
Convincing Sawyer and Christian to go along with him hadn’t been nearly as difficult as he’d assumed. Both his brothers were relieved that someone was going to do something about the lodge their father had built. They weren’t any more interested than Charles was, but it seemed a shame to tear it down. The three of them had set a reasonable price, with excellent terms.
He checked the slip of paper for the apartment number and walked into the low-rise building. After locating the apartment, he rang the doorbell and waited.
Lanni answered.
Charles felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him.
Speechless, they stared at each other.
Shock widened her eyes, and he noticed the way her fingers tightened around the doorknob. “Charles.”
“Lanni.” He’d forgotten how soft her voice was, soft and melodic. Stupidly, he glanced down at the slip of paper, frowning at the apartment number.
She stepped aside, obviously realizing she was blocking the door. “Come in, please.”
It
was all he could do to look away from her. She was thinner and a bit pale, but he’d never seen a more beautiful woman in his life.
“Is Matt here?” he asked.
“Matt?” Once again her eyes betrayed her surprise.
“He gave me this address. Apparently there are some papers regarding the sale of the lodge that he wanted me to read over.”
“I see.” She closed her eyes.
“What is it?”
“It seems we’ve both been tricked.” She sank onto the couch. “This is my place. Matt was supposed to pick me up for dinner.”
“Perhaps he intended to meet us both.”
“Perhaps,” she agreed uncertainly. “If you’ll wait here, I’ll give him a call.” She stepped out of the room and returned a moment later, paler than before.
“I apologize, Charles. My brother left a message for me on his answering machine. He purposely arranged for the two of us to meet this evening,” she said, her voice trembling. “He sent you here on a wild-goose chase and then made sure I’d be home when you arrived.”
Charles nodded. He wasn’t sorry, but he didn’t tell her that. Lanni had haunted him from the morning she’d flown out of Hard Luck. He couldn’t sleep or eat or think for want of her. No other woman had ever affected him this way.
“How are you?” he asked, his voice uncharacteristically gruff.
“Fine,” she said quietly, “and you?”
He sat on the chair across from her. “Fine. Sawyer and Abbey are back from their honeymoon, and Pearl Inman’s getting ready to move in with her daughter.”
She lowered her gaze to her hands. “I understand Matt’s negotiations with you are going well.”
Charles raised a shoulder in acknowledgment. “The fact that he’s taking over the lodge helps us all.” He couldn’t very well admit that Lanni was the real reason he’d agreed to go ahead with the sale.
“How’s Ben?” she asked.
“Cantankerous as ever.”
Lanni smiled, and the knots inside him grew even tighter.
“How’s the new secretary doing?”
“Mariah Douglas?” Charles’s smile was involuntary. “I don’t think she’s had much office experience. Last I heard, Christian had to show her how to change the paper in the photocopier.”
“But she’s stayed.”
Charles nodded. “She seems determined to make a go of it. She insists on living in one of the old cabins, without electricity, because she wants those twenty acres my brothers promised her.”
“Good for Mariah.”
Several minutes of silence came next, but for some reason, it didn’t bother him.
“Do you like Anchorage?” she asked.
Charles hoped she was looking for ways to continue the conversation, because he didn’t want to leave, but he had no excuse to stay. “Anchorage? As far as I’m concerned it’s about half an hour away from Alaska.”
Lanni smiled and stared down at her hands, which were clenched in her lap.
Charles had never met another woman he felt as comfortable with as Lanni. Their conversation had been a little awkward at first, but once they’d both relaxed, it flowed smoothly. Had it been like this with his father and Catherine? Had David found his soul mate in one woman while married to another?
Lanni was his soul mate; Charles had realized that with complete certainty after she left Hard Luck. The loneliness had closed in around him. Until he’d met her, Charles had preferred his own company; in the past few weeks it felt as if a part of him was missing.
Countless times he reviewed their situation. But he’d seen the pain in Ellen’s eyes when she discovered Lanni was related to Catherine. Charles couldn’t bear to inflict that pain on Ellen again. Not when she was happy for perhaps the first time in her life.
Charles told himself to leave, but he couldn’t seem to stand up and walk away.
“I have coffee on,” she said. “Would you like a cup?” Her dark, luminous eyes were pleading.
He shouldn’t stay. Every minute he lingered made it more difficult to go. “All right,” he said, agreeing quickly before he could change his mind.
He followed her into the kitchen. She opened the cupboard to reach for a mug, but his hand on her forearm stopped her.
“It isn’t coffee I want,” he told her. His eyes boldly met hers.
Her lips parted, and warm color blossomed in her cheeks. “I…I don’t think this is a good idea—not for us. I—”
He cut off her words by lowering his head and kissing her. As she responded, he wondered how he’d managed to last this long without her. When he ended the kiss, they were both breathing heavily. He ran his lips down the curve of her cheek to her ear.
Then he slid his mouth back to hers, and his kiss was filled with urgency. He couldn’t seem to get enough of her. This was dangerous—to him and her. Dragging his mouth away, he struggled for control.
Lanni hid her face in his shoulder.
“Charles…” she gasped.
“I know. I know.” He was equally shaken. “It scares me how much I want you.” He was desperate for a solution, but every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was the pain on his mother’s face.
“Let me make love to you,” he whispered.
Her body tensed and she shook her head.
The rejection tore at his heart. He might not know a lot about a woman’s wants and needs, but he’d have staked his life on the fact that she wanted him too.
He caught her hand and flattened it against his heart. “You want me, don’t you?”
“Yes, but…” At least she was honest enough not to deny it.
“I’ve been half-crazy these last few weeks without you.” Charles nuzzled her throat, then drew her into another lengthy kiss. When he finished, she buried her face in his shoulder once more. Her body shuddered.
He kissed her again. Gently. Lips meeting lips. The mere act of touching her made him feel as though he were on fire. Lanni filled him with a tenderness he didn’t recognize.
He wove his fingers through her long blond hair and held her protectively close.
She hung her head. “We can’t go on like this.”
He didn’t answer, but his heart pounded wildly.
“Will our being together change anything?” she asked, her voice low and trembling. “Will I stop being Catherine Fletcher’s granddaughter? Will you stop being David and Ellen’s son?”
He had no argument to give her, no answer to make things right.
All he knew was how badly he needed her. Emotionally. Physically. And in every possible way you could need someone. Taking a deep breath, he began, “Lanni, please…”
She moved away and brushed the tumble of hair from her face in the habitual gesture he loved.
He closed his eyes.
“Tell me, Charles. Would you have sought me out if Matt hadn’t tricked us into this meeting?”
It would’ve been easy to lie, but he wouldn’t do that. Not to Lanni. “No.”
She flinched. “I didn’t plan on seeing you again, either.”
“But we have met,” he argued, “and it’s obvious we still feel the same way about each other.”
“I’ll always love you, Charles, but I refuse to live like this, sneaking around—”
“If we’re in love, then—”
“I can’t. I’m afraid that history will repeat itself. My grandmother loved your father—and she was never more than his mistress—a small part of his life. It’s not enough for me.”
“I’d never ask that of you. I’m not married to someone else!”
“But you’ll always feel torn,” she said. “You love me, but you love your family, too, and so you should. But your mother could never accept me.”
He didn’t reply.
“I apologize for what Matt did. I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again,” she whispered brokenly, moving into the living room and gesturing at the door. “Perhaps it’d be best if you left now.”
Char
les reached the door and stopped, his back to her. “I can’t go,” he said. “I can’t just leave you.” He wasn’t sure what his staying would accomplish; it might do more harm than good. One thing was certain—he couldn’t right the sins of generations past.
He blindly made his way back into the kitchen. He might not have wanted coffee earlier, but he felt a desperate need for something now.
By the time he found the mugs, Lanni had joined him.
“Do you want some?” he asked.
“Please.”
He poured them each a cup and carried them to the small table. Lanni gave him a weak smile as they sat facing each other. Knowing he was the one responsible for the shadows under her eyes broke his heart.
“I…I want to thank you,” she said.
“Thank me?” He’d done nothing but bring pain into her life, just as his father had brought pain to her grandmother’s.
“For what you’re doing to help my brother.”
The time for pretense was gone. “I sold the lodge for a number of reasons, not all of them noble.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I’m not sure I do, either.” The coffee tasted slightly burned and bitter. That seemed fitting somehow. “I suppose I thought that if your brother managed the lodge, I’d have a way of learning about you. Not that I intended to pry into your private life.”
“I see.”
“I figured your brother would let me know when you got married…” His heart seized at the thought of Lanni with another man. “I’m sorry for what happened this evening. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” His words were jagged. He took a hurried drink of coffee to cover how difficult it had been to say them.
Tears glistened in her eyes. “Some things were never meant to be. Isn’t that what you said earlier?”
He stood up to carry the mug to the sink. He looked back at her and resisted the urge to tell her goodbye.
They’d already done that.
* * *
“So,” Matt said when he phoned Lanni the following morning. “I don’t suppose you had any company dropping by last night, did you?”
“Yes.” Her brother didn’t have any idea how much his actions had hurt her.
“Well, don’t keep me in suspense. Tell me what happened.”
The Marriage Risk Page 12
