As for Face, he loved his little brother and cared for him the best he could. He rocked him when he cried, fed him when he was hungry, often bathed him when he was dirty, and even changed his diapers when it was necessary. They formed an instant attachment and everyday Face would be there for him. For some strange reason, which no one could figure out, the baby never cried in his presence.
At times, Pamela would try her best to be there... to love him. She just couldn't bring herself to look past the father and how the baby had been conceived. All she could see was Hood, the rape and the unwanted pregnancy.
It bothered her to feel this way, about the life that had come from her body. She knew that denying the baby the motherly love it deserved and needed was wrong, but she was lost in the violent conception and her hate for the father.
She prayed to God every night before bed, to help her love him. Her prayers went unanswered. She prayed to forget the bitterness, the pain and hatred her crying soul carried around. Those prayers also went unanswered.
Somehow, through pure determination, they made it through the first year. A few days before Robert's first birthday, Pamela packed up some belongings, and her and Lil' Robbie, as he was known, snuck out of the house in the wee hours of the night; telling no one but Face that she would be back in a few days.
"What about Lil' Robbie?" he had asked.
"He's going with me. Now, don't you worry, just go back to sleep and I'll see you in a few days." She kissed him on the cheek and tip-toed out of the bedroom, then out of the house.
Face lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Tears fell down his face and a feeling inside told him something was wrong, and that he might never see his brother again.
L.A. International Airport...
Pamela and Lil' Robbie boarded an American Airlines flight nonstop to Philadelphia, PA. Since she couldn't give the baby the love she knew it deserved, she decided now was the time to let someone who wanted him to love him. And that someone was Hood, his father.
Five and a half hours later, Pamela and Lil' Robbie's plane landed at the Philadelphia International Airport in Southwest Philly. With Lil' Robbie bundled up in warm clothes and a blanket, Pamela hailed a Yellow Cab.
Large white snowflakes floated lazily from the sky as the Yellow Cab drove carefully away from the terminal and out the main gate.
Lil' Robbie stared into his mother's crying eyes as if wondering
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what was wrong with her. Pamela could not return his look. Even when he smiled, she paid him no attention. Forty minutes later, the cab pulled up and parked outside a tall condominium complex. Pamela asked the cabbie to wait, then opened the door and climbed out.
She held Lil' Robbie in her arms, knowing what she was about to do was considered a mother's worst sin - to abandon her own child; to leave her own flesh and blood unprotected and alone for selfish reasons. However, her mind was made up, and nothing or no one in the world could change it.
When Pamela approached the door, she stood there momentarily lost in thought, hurting with a combination of guilt, pain, sadness and confusion. Her tears dripped onto his blanket as she gently laid him down in front of the door. At last she looked into his watery brown eyes and whispered, "I'm so sorry."
As she stood up and started walking away Lil' Robbie called out to her, "Mama! Mama!" But, Pamela continued to walk away without looking back.
Even when she reached the long steps down, she could still hear Lil' Robbie calling out to her, echoing down the long hallway. Before leaving the building, she stopped at the front desk and told the woman that the tenant who lived in apartment #13 had a present waiting for him outside his door.
"Okay, I'll call upstairs and tell 'em," the woman said, with a perky smile, reaching for the phone.
"And make sure you tell him there’s a note inside," Pamela said, before exiting the front entrance and running to the waiting cab. She hurriedly got inside and ordered the cabbie to leave quickly. When Hood got the phone call from the woman at the front desk, he got out of bed and walked to the front door. When he opened the door, he stood there completely startled. He stared in total disbelief at the crying baby. He quickly picked the child up and carried him inside.
Just from looking into the baby's cute, crying brown face, he knew the child was his. He also knew who the child's mother was, as some of her beautiful, exotic features were evident as well. Hood noticed a small piece of white paper rolled up inside the blanket. He took it out, unrolled it, and began reading.
“Here's your son you savagely forced into me. Now I'm forcing him back on you! His name is Robert Anthony Foster, but everyone calls him Lil' Robbie - Pamela.”
Hood stood there holding his crying baby boy. With a big smile plastered on his face, he kissed his son and carried him into his bedroom.
Chapter Nineteen
After Pamela had dropped Lil' Robbie off at Hood's condominium, she had the cabbie take her to Veronica's house in West Philly. They sat around for a few hours laughing, crying and reminiscing about better times. They had missed each other terribly.
When Pamela told Veronica what she had done, Veronica's response was, "Girl, you done what you had to do. If you couldn't love him, then let someone who can love him have him."
"Did you see Jay?" Pamela asked, changing the sensitive subject.
"A few weeks ago, I did. But Jay ain't been the same since his parents were murdered. And plus, he's still running and hiding from Hood," Veronica replied.
Pamela sat with a sad expression on her face. She could only imagine the pain and suffering Jay was going through. Of all the men she had slept with for money, Jay was the only one who she looked at as a friend.
"Well, next time you see him, tell 'em I asked about him.
And I miss him."
"I sure will," Veronica assured her, then smiled. "He
misses you too."
Before Pamela got ready to leave, she looked at Veronica and
said, "You know it's almost time for you to come and do me that
favor? He's almost 13 years old."
Veronica smiled and said, "I haven't forgotten. But are you still
sure you want me to be the one?"
"I'm positive. He needs a woman to show him things, not a
girl," Pamela replied, before leaving out the house.
Veronica stood in the doorway and watched as Pamela
climbed inside the cab. As Pamela waved goodbye, the cab drove
off down the snow-covered street.
Thirty minutes later, the Yellow Cab pulled up in front of
Momma's, small row house. After she paid the driver, she walked to
the front door, used her key, and went inside.
Momma stood up from the sofa with a surprised, but
happy, expression on her face. Nearly two years had passed
since they had seen each other. They embraced with kisses on
the cheek and tight mother-daughter hugs. Tears of happiness fell
from their eyes. Phone calls were just not the same as being there. They sat side by side on the sofa and talked about everything that had been going on in the past two years since their separation. Then Pamela dropped the bomb on Momma and told her about Lil' Robbie, and her decision to drop him off at his father's. Momma sat speechless, unable to form her tangled thoughts into coherent sentences. She looked straight into Pamela's eyes and said, "You jus' pray your child forgive you one day girl. ‘Cause a child never forgets. Pamela, I mean it! Pray your decision to drop that baby off at his daddy's don't come back and bite you in your ass one day. He can grow up and be a ghost that you created. An' a dangerous one, too." Momma's voice was as serious as Pamela had ever heard it. She let the words sink into her troubled soul. But giving LiI' Robbie away was a decision she had made and she would stick with it, come what may.
While the kids were in school, Pamela and Momma sat around talking for hours. When they came home, Pamela had already left and was s
omewhere high in the clouds on her way back to L.A., and the love of her life ... her son, Face.
Los Angeles, California...
When Face saw his mother walk into the house without Lil' Robbie, he felt like his heart had stopped beating inside his chest. Face had always known about his mother's feelings towards Lil' Robbie, and how she had treated him like an outcast. He knew his mother had been raped by Lil' Robbie's father. It was a scene he would never forget, and the scar under his eye stood as a constant reminder of that night of terror. Though, Face hated the man, he loved the man’s son. He loved Lil' Robbie, but he knew his mother didn't.
"Mom, where's Lil' Robbie?" he walked up and asked, looking up into her eyes sadly.
"Come into the bedroom and I'll explain it to you," she said, going on to the bedroom. He followed.
They sat side by side on the bed, as was their habit, and she took his hands in hers. After a long sigh, Pamela began, "Lil' Robbie will no longer be with us, Face. I dropped him off at his father's home.”
Pamela watched the devastation in his eyes and felt the pain she had caused him by her decision. She watched a single tear form in the corner of his right eye, then roll down his cheek to drip
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onto the back of her hand. It burned like she was branded and she knew she hurt Face terribly. He loved his brother, and she had taken him away from him. Though she now regretted her well thought out decision, it was too late to take it back and retrieve Lil' Robbie. He was lost to them, possibly forever.
"Why?" Face asked, on the verge of crying. His breath caught in his chest, his voice breaking with emotion, he was hardly able to contain. "Mom? Why did you give Lil' Robbie away?"
Sadness, confusion, and heart breaking pain transformed his face. His emotional strength failed, the dam holding his tears broke and his eyes flooded. "Why?"
Pamela's heart broke seeing her son in such anguish. She could hardly speak; such was the lump in her throat and chest, seeing her love in such pain. "Because, Face... I... I... I just... I just... couldn't... love... Lil'... Lil'... Robbie... the same... way... I... love... you," she broke down, covering her face with her hands. Her tears flooded into her palms and ran down her wrists.
"But he was your son, too!" Face cried, wiping his tears away. "And my little brother!" he added, his face in a crumpled, tear flooding mess as his pain and anguish overwhelmed him again.
For several moments, the room fell silent except for the sorrow that was being vented - Face for his brother, Pamela for her son; the son she loved with all her being.
They stared at each other. Face knew, staring into her pain filled eyes, that he loved her more than anything in life. Even at 10 years old, he wouldn't hesitate to die for her. She was, and had always been, his Queen. Everything he had ever learned, she taught him. He had known all of her secrets and most of her pain.
Since day one, all they ever had was each other. She had been his mother and father, guardian, protector and teacher of life; all rolled into one. Despite his pain, he could not deny her his love, which was much too strong.
He fell into her arms and held to her as tightly as he could. Their tears became one as their cheeks met and held strong. Their mixed tears sealed the unbreakable bond they confirmed with their embrace.
Still, Face couldn't help but think about his little brother, and the disappointment in his mother for giving Lil' Robbie away. He was hurt beyond words. For the first time in his young life, he knew what it felt like to be disappointed by a loved one. He vowed to never let her know because he didn’t want bring her anymore pain. He vowed from now on to keep this pain and disappointment to himself, hidden deep in his tormented and crying young soul.
He knew one day he would meet his young brother again, and hopefully the brotherly love they had shared, for such a brief time, would still be there. Only God knew what lied in his cards, so he’d have to wait to find out.
Chapter Twenty
Early May,
Two months later...
Pamela peeped out of her bedroom window, watching as Peaches rushed out of the house, got inside the blue Cadillac, and drove away. A half an hour later, she saw the Cadillac pull up and park across the street from the house. She saw Peaches exit the car and rush back to the house. She heard the front door open and close, and then heard Peaches' feet patter down the hallway to her and Allen’s bedroom, followed by a slamming door.
For months, Pamela had been secretly watching her. She considered telling Allen what she had been up to, but decided against it. Allen was in love with Peaches, and even though they didn't get along well, Pamela was reluctant to get involved and be the one to cause them to break up.
Still, Pamela hadn't forgotten the bag of crack cocaine Face had found under Allen and Peaches' dirty clothes. She was determined to find out which one it belonged to.
In the meantime Pamela kept to herself; she and Peaches having learned to ignore each other as much as possible. Her bedroom had become the harbor of tranquility she needed to sort out her thoughts. So that's where she spent most of her time surrounded by four walls, a TV, radio, and lots of memories and regrets.
Whenever she did make a trip out of her four-walled world, the attention she got from men was unbelievable. Men of all types, sizes and colors would break their necks trying to get with her. She was a lovely sight to look at and the lustful eyes of hungry men couldn't resist her undeniable beauty.
Unfortunately for them, Pamela wasn't interested in hooking up or being with anyone. The last person she had been with sexually had been Hood, and that had been by force, not consent. Still, the $7,000 she had brought with her to L.A. was down to $2,900. She learned living in L.A. wasn't cheap. Even though Allen didn't charge her to stay at his house, she still chipped in on the bills from time to time. Most of the money she spent was on Face - clothes, toys, haircuts, shoes, and anything else she could buy.
The Nail Trap nail salon was located on Vermont and Manchester Avenue. It was a Korean owned family business, and once a week Pamela would get dressed, leave the house, and go to get her nails freshly manicured and her hair styled.
After walking out of the Nail Trap, one sunny afternoon, Pamela was on her way back home when a car pulled up in front of her and parked. She recognized the blue Cadillac instantly. It was the same car that Peaches would rush to climb into each morning, and her curiosity made her stop dead in her tracks. She watched the short, cocky, dark-skinned man get out of his car with a big gold tooth smile.
"How are you today, Gorgeous?" he asked, rounding the front of his Caddy, sizing her up and down, from the top of her head to the tips of her freshly painted pink pedicure.
"Fine, but I could always be doing better," she responded with a bright smile.
"Well, maybe today is your lucky day." He offered his hand, "My name is Poodawg," he said, "but you can call me Poo." "Hi, Poo. I'm Pamela," she said, shaking his well-manicured hand. "You ain't from around here, is you?" he asked.
"No," she answered, "I'm originally from Philly, but right now I'm staying with my brother for a while."
Poo shook his head and smiled. He thought she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, but he said, "So, what are you Pamela, some kind of model? Or actress?"
"No, not hardly! I wish!" she laughed.
"Well, you should be, as fine as you are!" Poo flirted.
For a few minutes they stood in front of Poo's Cadillac and talked. When Poo offered to give her a ride home, she eagerly accepted. She wasn't interested in Poo at all, sexually. He wasn't her type. Too dark, too short, and too broke. She just wanted to find out all she could about the man Peaches ran out of the house and snuck off with every morning. And Poo had no idea he was feeding right into her plan. Before he dropped her off at home, she had learned his whole resume - a Hoover Crip and petty drug dealer with two babymommas. But the most disturbing news she found out was what he had to say about Peaches.
"A crack-head."
"A crack-h
ead!" Pamela repeated in surprise.
"Yeah, but she tries her best to keep it on the down low," Poo replied, parking his car down the street from the house. "She's one of my top customers," he said with a flash of his gold smile.
"Is that right?" Pamela asked, shaking her head in disbelief. She stared straight into his eyes and said, "Tell me something, and don't lie." "Pretty, I ain't doin' no lyin'. If you ask, I'll answer."
After a few moments and a long sigh, Pamela asked, "Poo, did you and Peaches ever have sex?"
A big smile came over his face. That was all the answer she needed. But what he said surprised her even more.
"A few times, but not by myself."
"What?" she asked in disbelief.
"You sure you wanna know the truth?" Poo asked.
"I'm waiting," she replied, folding her arms across her chest.
"The girl's a cold freak! When you be seein' her gettin' in my car, I usually take her to the crib and me and my homeboys give her what she wants." Poo bragged.
"How many homeboys?" she asked.
"Usually three or four," he replied, his smile golden once again.
Pamela sat in total disbelief. Poo ran the story of Peaches down to her, leaving nothing out. She sat there taking it all in.
He's worse than a woman, she thought, as he continued to run his mouth. There was no way she would ever get with this guy, she promised herself.
Pamela had already seen a few major weaknesses in his character. He was a bragger, a trick, and he ran off at the mouth like a woman. Even though she knew she could milk him for everything he had, it wouldn't be worth her time or effort. All she would be was a trophy on his short arm; Poo was way out of his league.
"So, you gonna' call me, right?" he asked before she got out of the
car.
"I'll think about it," she promised, teasing him.
"I'm telling you pretty, you don't want to miss out on a good thing," he smiled.
"I'll take it into consideration," she said, opening the door. "You not gonna tell Peaches what I told you, are you?"
"Nope, I'll keep it a secret between us," she promised, closing the door and walking away.
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