by Jerry Boyd
Gene said, “New record, aye, Sir.”
I let off the mute. “Bob, Bob, it’s me, Bill, Major Rottum. We’re friendly!” I hit the mute again. “Sally, have the fighters give him a show. No weapons, maneuvers only.”
I let off the mute. I heard Mike say, “Sir, they’re approaching. At high speed!” I let the fighters make a few passes, then said, “Fighters, return to base. All fighters, return to base. Smartly, Gene.”
Gene said, “Smartly, aye, Sir.”
I said, “Mike, did he go for those fresh drawers yet?”
He replied, “The Major hasn’t, but I think I might need to. What is that thing?”
I said, “Commonwealth Navy Carrier. We call her the Gene Cernan.”
The Major came on the line. “Did you say Commonwealth Navy?”
“I did. It seems, long ago, the Commonwealth expected to find hostile aliens, and built a Navy in case of need. After many years of not finding any aliens, they decided to mothball the entire fleet. Some bright boy stumbled onto the Navy yard and decided to refit the Gene as a colony ship. He had the bad luck to jump into the middle of a meteor storm. We found Gene drifting in the outer reaches of the Earth system and salvaged her. She puts on quite a show, don’t you think?”
The Major replied, “That she does. Do you have a landing bay big enough for us?” I looked at Sally. She said, “Follow the blinking lights, Sir.”
I said, “Ruth, as soon as they are aboard and secured, take us back to orbit. Topper, no light show this time. I’m going to greet our guests. Sally, you have the conn.” They all acknowledged my orders as I left the bridge, with Snitz at my heels. We grabbed a transit and headed for the landing bay. We arrived as Mike and Bill were disembarking their cruiser. Major Bill said, “I ought to arrest you for that display, Bob.” Suddenly, Scotti and most of her people had stunners in their hands. I said, “Stand down, Scotti. He’s just joking.” Scotti said, “If you’re sure, Boss.”
“I’m sure. Bill, don’t get mouthy, she’ll stun you just to prove a point, you might hurt yourself when you fall.”
Bill said, “But...”
“I asked you not to. Asked you nicely. She’s an old military bot, has no compunction about hurting humans. Hush up before she has to prove it to you.” Bill quit trying to protest. Scotti said, “Thank you, Sir, for believing the Captain. You seem like a nice man. I wouldn’t want to have to hurt you.” A light dawned in Mike’s eyes. “Those small craft that buzzed us. They were flown by bots, weren’t they?” Scotti replied, “Yes, they were. Under orders from the Captain to give you a show, without using weapons.” Mike turned to me. “So, you planned that?”
I said, “No. If I had, the fighters would have started launching as soon as we came out of FTL.”
Gene said, “Noted, Sir. I will remind you next time. By the way, we cleared the launch bays in eighteen and a half seconds.”
I said, “Outstanding! Thank you and thank the pilots for their hard work and dedication.”
“You’re welcome, Sir.”
Mike asked, “Who was that?”
I replied, “Gene, the AI that runs the ship.”
Bill asked, “Why is it so important to get the, fighters, did you call them, in the black so fast?”
I replied, “If we ever come up against an opponent who wishes us harm, their logical first action will be to keep us from launching fighters. If the fighters are already in the black, they won’t be able to do that.”
Bill asked, “But who could threaten a ship like this?”
I said, “As I understand it, there are several of Gene’s sister ships still mothballed at the Navy yard. Someone stumbled across it once, there’s certainly no reason to think it couldn’t happen again.”
“Where is this Navy yard?”
I replied, “I don’t know. I’m sure Gene could fly there, if he needed to, but I don’t want to know where it is. That way, I’m not tempted to go clean the place out.”
Mike asked, “You don’t want more ships like this?”
“Of course, I do. Gene is a beautiful ship. But if I had a fleet of ships like Gene, all with crews of bots loyal to me, it would be too easy to set myself up as Emperor and run the Commonwealth to suit myself. I may or may not be a good man but resisting that kind of temptation isn’t something I want to try.”
Bill said, “So, you’re saying there’s a yard full of ships like this out there somewhere, and you’re not going looking for it, because you don’t want the temptation that kind of power would have?”
“I am.”
Mike said, “Doesn’t that leave it open for whoever stumbles on it to take over everything?”
I said, “As far I know, the Navy yard has only been found once in the last ten thousand years, when the Gene was removed and refitted. Wherever it is, it must be a place people aren’t likely to look. Anyway, my understanding is that most people in the Commonwealth regard the Navy as an old wives’ tale to begin with. If they don’t believe it exists, they certainly aren’t going to go out of their way to look for it.”
Mike responded, “Shouldn’t we at least go there and scuttle the ships, so no one else can use them?”
I said, “What about the bots left aboard? The AI’s in charge of the ships? If you leave the bot crews aboard, and the ship is repairable at all, they will be able to fix it. Scotti here had the duty of waking up periodically to repair anything that had failed on the ship while it was mothballed. She had authority to wake up as many other bots as she needed, to make whatever repairs she saw fit. The only reason the Gene was derelict, is that none of the crew gave the bots authorization to do repairs before they abandoned ship.”
Bill said, “You’re saying that there are crews of bots aboard these ships?”
Scotti said, “Yes, Sir. Our active times weren’t synchronized, but we did leave one another messages. Of course, none of the ships had her full complement, many bots were memory locked and sold as surplus. Even those of us in the yard had some of our memories locked out. The Boss found the lockout codes and brought us back.”
Bill asked, “So, you are capable of harming humans?”
Scotti replied, “Yes, Sir. Threaten the Captain again if you don’t believe me.”
Bill said, “That won’t be necessary. I believe you.”
Mike said, “What are your plans for the ship, Bob?”
I said, “I had hoped to leave it here, for the Starfoot to use to keep the slavers out of the system. The crew seems to have developed a loyalty to me personally, so I’m not sure how that will work out.”
Zoom came wandering through. “Hi, Boss. Slumming today?”
I said, “Somebody has to keep them company. Wouldn’t want their feelings to get hurt.”
She said, “Well, you’re going to need to take your conversation elsewhere. We’ve got to take this bay down to vacuum. Major, please ask your other two crew members to come on out, and we’ll have what we need to do taken care of shortly. Be sure and seal your ship before you leave.”
I asked, “What’s up, Zoom?”
She replied, “Sally said I could only tell you that in private, Boss. Sorry but I can’t say anything here.”
I said, “Okay. Do you have somebody loose to guide them to the galley while you catch me up on what I missed in the last five minutes?”
“Nunya can take care of it.”
I said, “Good choice. She won’t take any crap off this bunch. That reminds me, how is Sam doing these days?”
Scotti spoke up. “He is, I believe you say, ‘Good help’. Between him and Zoom, I might be able to take time to get some maintenance I’ve been putting off.” Tina and Rocki came out of the Patrol ship and dogged the hatch. Zoom pointed and said, “Through that door there, please. Someone will be there to guide you to the galley. Captain Wilson will join you there shortly.” A small cargo tug brought a stack of wall panels in through the force field. Scotti said, “Go on, you two. I need to start pumping down this bay.”
Zoom said, “Ace and his crew found a ship they didn’t recognize. Scotti is going to put it in vacuum quarantine, until we can make sure there are no biological problems.”
I said, “Biological problems? What exactly do you mean?”
Zoom said, “The ship appears to have been built for a race that are only about five feet high. The only races we know about are humans and Sasquatch, both of which are taller than that, on average.”
“I see. Does Ace have any idea how long the ship has been on the planet?”
She replied, “No, but the crew got a good photo record of the ship before they moved it. Sally thinks Mingus and Rangolus might be able to figure something out from the depth of the soil that had accumulated around it.”
I said, “Gee, it’s been a busy morning so far.” Snitz bumped my leg, and I reached down to pet him. Zoom said, “Good thing he can’t talk. He gets into more classified briefings than just about anybody.” I replied, “You’ve got a point. If somebody thought to put a recorder on his collar, they could learn all our secrets.” She pulled out an instrument and scanned him. “I show no electronics of any kind, Boss.” I said, “Okay. I better get back with our guests.” Zoom said, “I had Nunya take them in a cart, to show them some of the sights. If you take the transit you might even beat them there.” I said, “Good work. When you guys find out anything about that ship, have Sally let me know.” Zoom replied, “On it, Boss.” Snitz and I took off. Nunya was just pulling up when we got to the galley. Tina asked, “Trouble, Bob?” I said, “No more than usual. Enjoy your tour?” Bill replied, “I think we were guided around certain areas of the ship, Captain. Is there a reason for that?” I asked, “What all did you show them, Nunya?” She said, “Launch bays one and three, crew accommodations, some of Engineering. Just a good assortment of places.” I replied, “Launch bay four is out because that’s where Scotti does her projects, I’m guessing two is out because that’s where my Gig is stored?” Nunya said, “Yes, Boss. I didn’t show them the lower decks along the keel, because there’s nothing really interesting down there. I think that’s what he’s talking about.” Bill said, “You mean the main guns?” I looked at Tina. “So that’s what you were doing while Bill was trying to get Scotti to stun the piss out of him. Couldn’t get a good scan through the hull?”
Tina said, “Snagfart! I told you he would figure it out, Major.”
I replied, “I wouldn’t have, if Bill hadn’t opened his mouth about the main guns.”
Rocki spoke up. “You know, Major, we have a poker game Friday nights.”
I said, “Isn’t fleecing your superior officer considered bad form, Rocki?”
“Only if you get caught, Captain.”
I replied, “I knew I invited you to paintball for a reason. Why did you decide not to come back?”
Rocki said, “Too many strange things, all at once. I got overwhelmed. I intended no offense.”
“Good, because I didn’t take any.”
We walked into the galley, where Nikki was sitting. I went over and asked, “How are you this morning?”
She said, “Better now. Dixie hooked me up with some anti-nausea meds. I’ll be glad when the morning sickness is over.”
I said, “It doesn’t sound like a bit of fun. You feel up to company?”
She looked up and saw Mike and Tina. “Sure. Is the Major with them?”
“Yep. Rocki too. She was helping Tina scan the ship while Mike and Bill were trying to get Scotti to stun them.”
Nikki asked, “So, they know all our secrets, now?”
I said, “Oh yeah, they know all about the ship’s armament, even the main guns. I’m waiting for when they do a deep dive into their scans and try to figure out why there are snaplocks in the armory.”
Tina said, “I heard that, Bob. What the heck is a snaplock?”
I replied, “A firearm so primitive, even us cavemen don’t use them, even just for fun.”
Mike said, “So, what are they doing in your armory?”
Nikki said, “We had them pointed at us, and didn’t feel like giving them back to their owners, after that.”
Bill asked, “Where was this?”
I said, “Not here. You wouldn’t like the place. Environment contamination makes people hard to get along with.”
Rocki asked, “What kind of contamination?”
Nikki said, “Really subtle. The animals there produce so many steroids as they are growing muscle, that they shed it into the air. Makes people aggressive.”
Tina said, “That sounds like a bad place to be. Did you get the people out?”
I said, “A few of them. We didn’t have a place to take all of them, nor the manpower to catch them all.”
Bill said, “Do you plan to go back?”
I said, “I would like to move those people to someplace better, but I don’t know of a world to take them to. They are there in the first place because they didn’t want to be in the Commonwealth anymore, so taking them to one of your worlds would just be cruel.”
Mike asked, “Where is this place?”
Nikki said, “Bob doesn’t know, and I’m not telling.”
Rocki asked, “Why is that?”
Nikki replied, “Because the people there asked me not to. They deserve that much respect, at least, for surviving that wild place for as long as they have.”
Bill asked, “Wild place? How do you mean?”
I said, “I don’t know about your world, but where I come from, we had an era way back when, with higher oxygen content in the air, and very large animals. That planet is still in that part of its life. It turns out that the animals need a lot of steroids to grow fast enough to survive in the highly competitive ecosphere.”
Tina asked, “That’s how they wind up shedding them into the air?”
Nikki said, “As near as we could tell. We didn’t stick around for any detailed analysis. By the time we figured out what was going on, we had all had enough of the place.”
Bill asked, “Couldn’t I just interrogate the logs of this ship, and find out where this strange planet is?”
I said, “Feel free to try.”
He said, “Gene, I would like the location of the last system you were in.”
Gene said, “Sir, I cordially invite you to like in one hand, and crap in the other, to see which one fills up first. I am Bob’s Ship Gene Cernan, and I do not recognize your authority over me.”
Mike almost managed to stifle his giggle at that. Bill gave him a stern look. Bill said, “I am Major Billous Rottum, of the Patrol. I can interrogate the log of any ship.”
Gene said, “There are problems with your assertion, Sir. You have such authority in Commonwealth space. We are not currently in Commonwealth space. Even if we were, my status as a Navy vessel, even though since retired, keeps me from being subject to your queries. In addition, the Artificial Rights Act gives me the rights of a human, so I am protected from being forced to provide information. The act was rescinded with respect to bots, but the portions concerning ship AIs never were.”
Tina said, “The AI knows his rights, Major. Everything he said checks out in our databases.”
Bill said, “Bob and his minions win again. It’s like you are a force of nature, Bob.”
I said, “You know, I was having a conversation with one of my, ah, minions just yesterday on that subject. We came up a with theory, I wonder if he’s had time to check on it.”
I got out my comm and dialed Max. “Hi, Bob. Your bacon and eggs are on their way. The chickens and hogs should be leaving later in the week.”
I said, “Thanks for taking care of that quickly, Max. I never should have left the planet without someone from logistics.”
Max said, “You had no idea you we
re going to be gone so long when you left or feeding nearly as many people. We had you well supplied, until circumstances intervened.”
I replied, “Thanks for taking care of us. I called about that other thing we were talking about, though. Did you go ahead and run that analysis?”
Max fumed, “Yes, I did. I put a sample of a meal pack through the analyzer in one of the saucers and compared it with what you primitives eat. It’s not something put in to keep us slow, it’s just that the ration packs don’t have enough of a couple of micro-nutrients. Both of them are important to brain function. I checked the history, and it seems the packs were changed to a cheaper process hundreds of years ago, and no one did a detailed analysis on the micro-nutrients, since people seemed to stay healthy eating them.”
I replied, “Oh crap! I was right? That’s horrible. Thanks, Max. Text me your results, please. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Bye, Bob.”
I immediately commed Julie. “Morning, Boss. What’s up?”
I asked, “What is Frank eating?”
She said, “He usually eats ration packs, since he doesn’t have to go out to get them.”
I said, “That stops right now. Check with Sally and see what we have on hand in the way of convenience foods from Earth. No more ration packs, understood?”
Julie said, “I understand your words, but not your meaning, Boss. What’s wrong with ration packs?”
I replied, “They’re missing a couple of things a human brain needs to work at its best. We need Frank at a hundred percent.”
Julie said, “Now I understand. On it, Boss.”
I turned to Bill. “That explains why I always seem to be a half-step ahead of you. Your ration packs are missing a couple of nutrients that help your brain to do its best. Seems the recipe got changed a long time back, and nobody thought to check the minor ingredients.”
My comm dinged. It was Max’s text. I read through it and forwarded it to Bill. I said, “I’m sending you my Father-in-law’s report on the subject. It should be interesting reading.”
Tina said, “Bob, if this checks out, Commonwealth civilization will be indebted to you again.”
