He leaned close to Grace’s oh-so-still face. “We have a daughter, Grace,” he said, tears dripping into his mouth. “You wanted to name her Susie. It was Susie, wasn’t it? Jah. Susie. Did you see her? What does she look like? Does she look like you?” His voice caught and a sob burst from his throat.
“Here,” Thomas said, re-joining him. “Here it is. Her kapp.”
He handed it to Andrew, and Andrew stared at it. Grace’s kapp. What did she need it for now? Vomit burned up his throat, and he swallowed it down.
“You do it,” he said, handing it back to Thomas.
A nurse appeared. “Give it to me,” she said softly. And then with such care and love she placed it on Grace’s head, adjusting it gently until it looked almost right.
“Thank you,” Andrew choked out.
“Would you like to see your daughter now?” the nurse asked. “She’s awful pretty, and she’s doing really well.”
Andrew looked at Thomas. He smiled and nodded.
“All right,” he said. “Jah. I want to see her.”
The nurse led the way out of the cubicle. Andrew glanced back and his throat nearly closed at Grace’s form on the bed. He was going to see his daughter. Their daughter. Alone. Old Mae should have delivered her. Not some emergency doctor. Susie was to have been born in their own home, in their own bedroom. Not here.
Not yet.
The nurse looked back and him and smiled. “She’s beautiful, like I said. Such a sweet little thing.”
Andrew told himself to keep breathing. He told himself to keep walking. Keep putting one foot ahead of the other. When the nurse stopped, he stopped. He saw a small basinet. He’d thought she would be with other babies, but she wasn’t—at least, not yet. Her basinet was by itself, situated between the nurse’s station and a room he couldn’t see into. He walked closer and forced himself to look inside the basinet.
Ach, but she was tiny. So tiny. He forced himself to take a breath. She had a little fuzzy head. Was her hair blond or brown? She was sleeping, and he saw Grace’s nose and chin on her. He stifled a sob and bent closer.
“She’s a cute little thing,” Thomas said from behind him.
“She’ll be ready to go home tomorrow. She’s early, but her weight is good. We’re feeding her formula, and she’s taken right to it. She’s going to be a strong little girl.” The nurse continued to chatter, fussing with the baby and then picking up the child and offering her to him.
Andrew jolted back. He couldn’t hold the child. He’d surely break her. He’d surely cause her some harm. Look what he’d done to his wife. He wasn’t to be trusted. He shook his head and took another small step back, but the nurse didn’t give up. She moved forward as he moved back. Finally, he held out his arms to the child.
The nurse placed her in his grasp, and he stared down at the wee babe. She hadn’t stirred, just continued to sleep peacefully.
You sleep now, he thought. You have no idea that your mama’s dead. You won’t know for years.
And somehow that realization filled him with such grief that for a moment he couldn’t breathe. Could barely see. But then the baby stirred. She twisted in his arms, and he tightened his grip. And then she opened her eyes and blinked up at him.
Brown. Her eyes were dark brown. Like Grace’s.
“Here,” he said gruffly to the nurse, returning the child to her arms. “Here.”
The nurse gave him a puzzled look and took the baby back, putting her into the bassinet. “I need to roll her into the nursery,” she told him. “You can see her anytime you like. And tomorrow morning, she’ll be ready to go home. You’ll need a car seat—” She broke off, and her cheeks turned red. “I mean, well, I don’t know…”
“It’s all right,” he said, his voice rough. “I’ll be back in the morning.”
He turned and walked blindly back through the double doors, and Thomas followed him. Most of his friends had gone, now, but Amy was still there. She jumped up from the vinyl sofa when he appeared.
“Andrew?”
He stopped.
She came over. “The boppli. I’ll help you.” Her voice broke, and he could see that she was fighting her tears. “I’ll help you with her. Grace would have… Grace would want me to,” she finished, wiping her cheeks.
He nodded. Yes. He’d need help, wouldn’t he? How in the world was he supposed to take care of a baby? He had no idea. None whatsoever. He had a farm to run. Grace was supposed to… Well, Grace was going to… He stared at Amy.
“Jah. Jah,” he said, trying to force some normalcy into his voice. “Grace would want you to. Of all the people, she’d want you to watch the—the boppli.”
“When does she go home?”
“Tomorrow morning.”
Amy nodded. “I’ll be here. Dat and me. We’ll be here.”
“Can you… Can you swing by and pick me up?”
“Jah. Of course,” Amy said.
Thomas came across the room and stood at Amy’s elbow. “I’ve spoken with the lady over there. Grace’s … body will be removed to Ash’s Funeral Home. They’ve dealt with a lot of Amish funerals. They know what to do.”
“So, her body…?” Andrew couldn’t believe the words he was saying. Couldn’t believe what was coming out of his mouth.
“It’ll be delivered to your home tomorrow mid-morning.”
“Dat, I’ve told Andrew that we’ll bring him here to pick up the boppli.”
Thomas nodded. “All right. And we can give you a ride home right now.”
“I’ll be staying,” Amy said.
Andrew frowned. “What? Why?”
“I’ll be staying,” she repeated. She looked at him and her eyes were now dry and her expression resolute. “Get some rest, Andrew,” she told him gently. “Tomorrow is going to be a big, big day.”
“But—” he protested, not even knowing why. His brain seemed muddled, like he couldn’t form a sensible thought.
“I’m going to stay with the boppli,” she said. “I’m not sure what they’ll let me do or not do, but I’m staying.”
Thomas looked ready to say something, but he must have thought better of it.
“It’s late,” Amy said, suddenly in charge of everyone. “I’ll be fine. I’ll just sit right here except when they let me see Susie.”
Thomas craned his neck, looking for someone. A nurse went by, and he beckoned her over. “My daughter will be here for the Miller boppli,” he said.
Andrew should be making these arrangements. No. That wasn’t true. He shouldn’t be making any arrangements at all. He should be at home with Grace right then. They should be turning in for bed now, filled with anticipation for the baby’s birth. He shook his head, trying to clear his mind.
The nurse was smiling and then she left. What had she said? He hadn’t even heard her.
“Come, Andrew. There’s nothing more we can do tonight.”
Andrew reached out and gave Amy’s hand a squeeze. She teared up and nodded at him.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said softly.
He let Thomas pull him away.
Chapter Five
Amy sat on the uncomfortable sofa for two hours before the nurse came to get her.
“The baby’s awake and hungry,” she said. “Would you like to feed her?”
Amy jumped up and then faltered, feeling dizzy. She hesitated until her vision cleared and then followed the nurse eagerly through the doors to the nursery. The nurse had punched in some kind of code, and Amy was glad she’d gotten permission before her father and Andrew had gone home.
The nurse took her into a medium-sized room that had a variety of rocking chairs in it.
“Sit down anywhere,” she said. “I’ll bring the baby to you.”
Amy sank down in one of the chairs. Within minutes, the nurse gave her a warm little bundle. Amy looked down at the child and was immediately struck by how much she looked like Grace. Susie. Susie Miller. Amy blinked away the tears and took the bottle from the n
urse. She teased the child’s lips with the nipple until she latched on and sucked.
Amy was filled with reverence. Why, the baby was beautiful. Beautiful and sweet-smelling and a complete amazement.
The nurse leaned over her. “She’s a sweet one,” she said, smiling. “And my, does she eat.”
Amy’s throat tightened until she could barely swallow. She looked up at the nurse. “Can I…” she started. Her voice was strained, barely audible. “Can I see my friend Grace? Her … body?”
The nurse straightened. “Oh, I’m sorry. The funeral home has been here and taken her away. You’ll be able to view her tomorrow, I dare say.”
View her. View her. View her.
Amy fought back the nausea at her words. “All right,” she managed to eke out.
“I’m sorry about your friend. She looked like a lovely woman.”
Amy nodded. “That she was…”
“Well, I’ll be back in a few minutes to see how you’re getting on. But no worries, take your time. The child needs to be held…”
Amy nodded as tears dripped down her cheeks. She focused back on Susie who’d fallen asleep again, the nipple in her mouth and a drip of milk running down her chin. Amy wiped the drip off and took the bottle away. Then she cuddled the child, holding her close to her chest.
“Don’t you fret,” she whispered. “I’m going to take care of you. I’m going to tell you all about your mamm, too. She was a wonderful per—” Amy stopped talking, unable to go on without bursting into tears. So instead, she cradled the child, kissing her head over and over—just like she knew Grace would have done.
* * *
Amy was with the baby in what she’d now dubbed “the rocking chair room” when her dad and Andrew showed up the next day. She’d hardly let Susie out of her arms the entire night.
Andrew moved across the room, slowly, as if his muscles wouldn’t coordinate properly.
“How’d she do?” he asked, tentatively pulling the thin baby blanket away from the child’s face.
“Lovely,” Amy replied. She was tired. Bone tired, and she’d spent more than a few hours weeping quietly during the night. The nurses mostly left her alone, coming in periodically to check on Susie. But other than that, the night had been quiet, filled with the echoing silence of an institution. A baby’s cry was heard periodically, but Amy barely noticed.
“Is the child ready to go home?” her dad asked.
“I don’t know. We’ll have to check with the nurse.”
“I can do that,” her dad said. “I imagine the doctor will have to give his okay.”
Andrew hadn’t stopped staring at the baby. Amy stood and offered the baby to him.
“I imagine you’re eager to hold her,” she said.
Andrew visibly swallowed. “Is she all right? Has she been eating okay?”
“She’s perfect,” Amy said. “Perfect.”
And she was. Amy was already completely in love with her. If only… If only Grace could have seen her. Amy blew out her breath. Could people in heaven see babies? Was Grace watching them right now? Amy shivered. She had no idea, and the very thought was foreign, wrong-seeming somehow. Should she even be thinking such things?
But Grace had been so excited about this baby. So eager to give birth.
What had Grace been doing up in that loft anyway? What had she been thinking to climb up a ladder being so pregnant? There had to be a good reason—there had to be. Was it a kitten? Had she been going up to rescue a kitten? Amy knew that one of their barn cats had recently given birth to a litter of five tiny kittens. Grace loved cats. She might have climbed up if a kitten had been in peril.
But Amy would never know. She glanced at Andrew and saw his wonder as he gazed at his new daughter. Andrew would never know, either.
Her father came back into the room. “The nurse is checking with the doctor, but she thinks the boppli will be free to go right quick.”
Amy watched Andrew. He nodded at her father and then put his attention back on the child. He was clearly awed by her, but there was something else on his face, too. A hesitancy, a stiffness. Amy scolded herself. What did she expect? Andrew had just lost his wife. He’d just had a new daughter born weeks early. Her heart went out to him.
Just like the nurse promised, they were given permission to leave within a half hour. Amy bundled Susie up, even though the day was fairly warm. Still, there was a bit of morning chill in the air, and Amy felt very protective of the baby. She sat in the back of the buggy, cradling her while Andrew and her father sat in front.
“I-I don’t know what I’m going to do,” Andrew said when they were underway.
“The funeral will be tomorrow, ain’t so?” Thomas asked.
Andrew nodded. “Her … her body will be in the front room all afternoon for viewing. The service is tomorrow.”
Amy tightened her grip on the baby. How harsh life could be. The first thing this baby would attend was her mother’s funeral.
“Fiona is planning to help. Other women, too. I heard them talking,” Thomas said. “Don’t you worry about anything. The bishop has organized the service, and the women will take care of the food.”
“But … the boppli…”
“I will care for Susie,” Amy interjected quickly. “I will care for her as long as you need me to.”
Her father turned around and gave her a nod. Andrew was silent for a moment, and Amy could tell by the way his shoulders shook that he was crying. Tears filled her eyes, too. Grace should be there. Grace should be the one caring for her own daughter. Amy swallowed hard and reached up to touch Andrew’s shoulder. He gave a start, and she withdrew her hand.
Susie stirred in her arms and started to cry.
“Hush, little one,” Amy crooned. “You’re going to be fine. Just wait and see. Are you hungry?”
Andrew twisted around to look at her. “Is she? Is she hungry?”
“I fed her an hour ago,” Amy said. “When we get to your house, I can give her another bottle.”
He nodded and turned back around.
“Dat?” Amy said. “I’ll be staying at Andrew’s house. It’ll be all right, won’t it?”
She hated to ask him when Andrew was right there listening, but this needed to be settled. At least for the near future. Amy was all too aware of the implications of a single girl staying in a man’s home. But surely, at least for now, convention could be adjusted.
“Jah. You’ll stay,” her father said. “Beulah will stay with you.”
Inwardly, Amy cringed. All she needed was Beulah with her. She loved Beulah—of course, she did. But her sister got on her nerves something fierce, and Amy didn’t feel that she had the stamina right then to put up with it. All her energy needed to go to this sweet baby. But if Beulah was the only way Amy could stay, then so be it.
“All right, Dat,” she murmured.
They pulled into the drive. A car was pulling up to the porch. A long car—a hearse. Amy’s eyes again filled with tears. Her friend was in there. Grace was in that huge dark car that seemed to stretch the length of the porch. She heard Andrew’s intake of breath. Her father pulled the buggy to a halt right behind the car. He secured the reins and both he and Andrew got out.
Amy hung back. Was she ready for this? Was she ready to see the casket her best friend was in? She watched her father and Andrew talk to the men and then the back of the car was opened. Amy held back a sob as she saw the casket inside. It was plain—the funeral parlor had clearly dealt with Amish funerals before.
And then the casket was being carried inside the house. Amy bit her bottom lip and felt the tears coursing down her face. Susie began to cry in earnest. Amy put her to her shoulder and patted her back.
“Give me a minute, Susie. Just a minute. Then, we’ll go inside.” Amy leaned her head against the baby and waited. But what good would waiting do? It wouldn’t change a thing.
Amy swallowed and got out of the buggy, picking up the bag of supplies from the hospital. They�
�d need more formula soon, unless Amy could think of someone to wet nurse the child. No. She would take care of feeding the baby. It would be easier all around. She knew that the Feed & Supply kept a small stock of baby formula in cans. Not many Amish used it, but sometimes, there was need. Like now.
Amy walked to the porch and slowly climbed the steps. The funeral parlor men came out of the door just as she approached it. They nodded to her and left. Amy walked into the house. The last time she’d been there, it was to visit Grace. They’d chatted and laughed over cups of tea. Grace couldn’t stop talking about the baby. On and on she went, until she finally stopped and covered her mouth with her hand.
“Ach,” she said through her fingers, “you must think me boring. I’ve talked of nothing but the boppli.”
And Amy had laughed. “Jah, it’s true. Someday, if I’m ever in the family way, I’ll expect you to return the favor.”
Grace had grasped her hand. “I’ll listen to you until the clock strikes midnight,” she’d said. At the time, Amy had thought it a funny way of putting it, but it was Grace’s way. She loved words and often put them together in odd ways.
Amy paused, patting the baby’s back. She looked through to the front room and saw the casket there, placed on a stand. Andrew stood to the side of it with a stricken look on his face. Her father stood beside him, saying nothing. She was so glad they could be there for him, since his parents had died some time ago. He must feel so alone.
Amy squared her shoulders. “Andrew,” she said. “I’ll feed Susie and then I’m going to put the kettle on for tea. When was the last time you ate?” She didn’t wait for an answer. “I’ll have a meal on the table for you right quick.”
She turned and went into the kitchen. There were food dishes all over the counter. The neighbors had clearly been by. She breathed a sigh of relief. This would make her job so much easier. Some of the dishes needed to be in the refrigerator. She balanced the baby with one arm and put a few dishes into the fridge. It was awkward. She’d have to get used to doing things with one hand.
Caring For Susie (Amy's Story Book 1) Page 3
