by Alex Silver
“Take me home? Please?”
Jake got me home safe, though the details were a blur. I dragged my feet across the lobby floor.
“What’s wrong, El?”
“Aaron.”
Jake sighed.
“Are you staying in the guest room tonight?” I asked. And I thought, ‘are you sleeping with him? Would you prefer him over me? Stupid question. Of course you would. Aaron isn’t broken.’
“My plan was to stay with you. Do you want me to sleep in the guest room?”
“No.”
“Elliott, I…”
“I’m sorry I freaked you out and ruined our night.”
“You didn’t. We should have left sooner. I know it gets overwhelming for you.”
“It shouldn’t though. I should be capable of dealing with a night of dancing! Without losing my shit.”
“You do. We’ve gone to Vibe plenty of times with no problem. We overdid it tonight. It’s not your fault.”
“Whose fault is it then?”
“I don’t want to fight, El. Can we go up to bed? We’re both tired and I want to hold you.”
“Do you?”
“Yes.”
“Not Aaron?”
Jake sighed, ran a hand through his hair in exasperation. I could almost see him counting down from ten before he replied.
“Tonight I want to hold you, El. But you know I like holding him too. That was never a secret. What do you want, Elliott?”
“I want you to love me. I want to be enough for you. Or for Caleb. Or hell, anyone.”
“You are.”
“I’m not. Sometimes I think Jamie’s the only one who ever—”
“Jamie?” Jake sounded puzzled like he was trying to place the name and then startled recognition dawned and he got that look. The one Caleb got when Jamie or anything from my past came up in conversation.
“Yes, Jamie. My cousin. The one who—”
“Elliott, I love you. I don’t understand what is going through your wonderful mind tonight. But I love you.”
“I hate being broken.”
“Oh, hun,” Jake said.
He reached for me, hesitated, opened his arms in invitation instead. And I wanted to throw myself at him, cling to him. Let him hold me and tell me all the sweet little lies. That I was good enough, I wasn’t broken, and even if I was he still loved me. But I couldn’t bear to hear it. So I stared at him. It would hurt less if I drove him away now.
Let him go to Aaron and not have to deal with me and my shit. Let him go. That’s what you’re supposed to do for people you love, right?
Jake held the pose for a moment longer, then he sighed and rubbed at his temples, like I was giving him a headache.
“I’m going to bed,” I said. And I brushed past him to go up the stairs to our apartment, our arms knocking together. I couldn’t even keep myself from stealing that last touch, taking a fraction of the comfort he offered. Unable to resist his allure. Weak.
Chapter 4
Jake
Elliott shoved the door open like it had offended him and stormed right past Caleb and Aaron to shut himself into the guest bedroom. Well, that sent a clear message he wanted to be alone.
Caleb sat up with a start and blinked owlishly at me. He and Aaron must have fallen asleep watching TV. The screen had reverted to the app menu now though.
“Where’s Elliot? Is he okay?” Caleb asked when he saw that I was standing in the hallway alone.
“He’s in the guest room, and I doubt it,” I said. I slumped into the armchair in the living room. Aaron was snoring against Caleb’s side. Our entrance hadn’t woken him at least.
“What happened?”
“Elliott had a panic attack outside Vibe. Then we fought in the lobby.”
“Do I need to check on him?”
I considered, then shrugged, “I think he needs a minute to calm down. I guess he isn’t as cool with me dating Aaron as he said he was.”
Caleb winced.
“Yeah, I got that impression too.”
“Are you okay with it?”
“Yes. I would have told you if it bothered me. For what it’s worth, I like Aaron. We had fun tonight, and I can see why you love him, why he’s good for you.”
“You are too.”
Caleb flashed a grin, “I am.”
I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. “What should I do about Elliott? How are you so chill about this? I hate hurting him.”
“Did I ever tell you about my parents?”
“What about them?” I asked, uncertain at the non sequitur.
“When I was eight, I walked in on my mom crying in the bathroom. I guess they’d been trying for another kid, like since I was a baby. Anyway, long story short, they tried IVF. It worked, but she lost the baby. So she was crying.
“She refused to tell me why at first. Mom and Dad agreed not to tell me about their struggles with infertility because they didn’t want me to believe it had anything to do with me. And I didn’t get it at eight, not really. But when I was a little older, it clicked. They meant that I shouldn’t take their wanting more kids to love as a statement I wasn’t enough for them.
“You can want to add to your family without it meaning anything about the family you already have. Just because I wanted to date didn’t mean I stopped loving my parents. And loving you didn’t alter my love for Elliott. And even if my parents had a dozen kids, it wouldn’t mean anything about me. I was enough on my own. And they loved me. El never got that though.
“So, that’s why it doesn’t bother me. I know you love me, and you love Elliott and Aaron too.”
“Yeah,” I said, taking a moment to digest his statement.
It made a certain sense once I got around the weirdness of comparing my relationships with my siblings to my more adult relationships. Caleb’s story reminded me of being five-years-old and my parents putting Sofia in my arms for the first time. And the way my heart swelled with love for my tiny new sister. Three years later, I held Luca for the first time. And again new emotions surged through me. That fierce desire to protect and care for them.
It wasn’t the same emotions I had for any of my lovers. But it had the same intensity. The same sense I couldn’t be any more full of love than I was at that moment, and yet somehow it still grew every day I spent with them.
I’d experienced this realization when Caleb and Elliott asked me to date them. The realization I could love them both. And have emotional capacity to spare for Aaron. And that certainty had never wavered. There was room for them all.
“Elliott has spent most of his life feeling like he isn’t good enough. Sometimes he needs extra reassurances. He worried about the same things when we brought you into our family, but he insisted on trying it. And he moved past it.”
“So what? We force him to accept Aaron into his life?”
“No. But we give him a chance to adjust, let him make his own decision about how much hurt is too much for him to tolerate. And if he can’t accept Aaron’s place in your life, then we figure out what that means. But I doubt it will go that far. You said he had a panic attack tonight?”
“Yeah, it was the worst I’ve seen in years.”
“His nightmares are worse too.”
“I’m worried about him.”
“He misses you. You’ve always made him feel safer. And you’re his link. I mean, we both are. But Elliott’s a telepath, he needs to touch you.”
“I have to live at the tower for another month, until training is complete. You know that.”
“I know. But what’s your plan for afterward?”
I hadn’t considered it. My life had become a whirlwind of non-stop activity. Authority figures telling me where to be and when to be there since June.
Part of me longed to return to my place here. In this apartment, in Elliott and Caleb’s bed. But where did that leave Aaron?
“I don’t have one.”
Caleb nodded. “Well, you and Aaron are wel
come to live here, with us again.”
“All four of us under one roof?”
“Don’t sound so doubtful.”
“You think that would work?”
“It works for me. I miss you too, you know. It’s not about the sex, it’s seeing you every day, getting to talk to you, touch you. Feed you.”
I chuckled despite myself. “Getting all three of you under the same roof sounds fantastic. But not if Aaron and Elliott aren’t on board.”
“Aaron said he’d consider it.”
“And Elliott?” I asked. It didn’t surprise me Caleb had mentioned his plan to Aaron. Caleb liked to organize things. People. He excelled at it too.
Caleb sighed, “Elliott fears losing you. And he’s jealous of your history with Aaron.”
“Why won’t he tell me that?”
“Because he doesn’t want to force you to choose, not when he is so certain you wouldn’t choose him.”
Aaron stirred beside Caleb on the couch. He sat up and stretched his back. I liked the way he looked. How comfortable my two lovers seemed together.
“How was dancing?” Aaron asked through a yawn.
“Good,” I said.
“Glad you had fun, where’s Elliott?”
“He went to bed.”
“Oh. So, are we staying here tonight or…”
“You guys can take my bed and I’ll bunk with Elliott,” Caleb suggested, standing stiffly. “Just give me a minute to grab my stuff.”
Caleb left Aaron and I alone in the living room.
“Stupid question, why is Elliott sleeping in the guest room?”
“We had a fight.”
“So, did he take the guest room because he wants me to go home? We can, if staying will cause a problem.”
“I left the car at the club because I was drinking. And they don’t expect us at the tower until late tomorrow morning, so unless Elliott tells us to go, we can crash here.”
“Okay. If you’re sure. I don’t want to antagonize him.”
“You aren’t.”
“But he doesn’t like me.”
It wasn’t a question. Then again, Elliott hadn’t been subtle.
“Did you enjoy your evening with Caleb?”
“Yeah, I did, actually. He’s a riot.”
Caleb emerged from the bedroom with his pillow and an arm full of sleep pants, phone chargers and his medication. He paused in the hallway, to address us.
“I’ll make breakfast in the morning, if you guys can stick around?”
“Sounds amazing,” Aaron said.
Caleb retreated to the guest bedroom. I could hear the low murmur of voices as he spoke to Elliott before he shut the door behind himself. Aaron looked at me with expectation.
“Bed?” I said.
Aaron nodded and followed me into the familiar room. It was strange standing here with Aaron. And not having Elliott and Caleb in the king-sized bed that took up most of the floor space.
For the first time since we agreed to try dating, I felt wrong about it. Like sharing this bed with Aaron would break some unwritten rule. Even if Caleb had agreed to it.
I could perceive Elliott in here. His psionic signature permeated the space. This was where he felt safest. I couldn’t do this. Couldn’t violate his sanctuary.
“What?” Aaron asked, he stood in the doorway with an uncertain expression.
“We’re sleeping on the couch.”
Aaron cast a doubtful glance my way, “there’s not much room out there.”
“It pulls out,” I said.
“Heh, you pull out. But what’s wrong with the bed?”
“It’s Elliott’s.”
“And it would piss him off for us to share it?”
“He’s a telepath,” I said. As though that explained everything. In a way it did. As an anchor I sensed auras. As a telepath, Elliot could read them. Aaron sleeping in his bed would infringe on his personal space.
Aaron let out a long sigh, “and he doesn’t like me. Fine, I won’t piss in his bed then—metaphorically speaking. Where do you guys keep the spare bedding for the couch?”
“Hall closet, thanks for understanding.”
“It’s fine, you better protect me if he tries to kill me in my sleep though.”
“He wouldn’t do that.”
Aaron arched a brow, implying his skepticism without words.
“He wouldn’t,” I insisted.
“Okay. If you say so. I guess I understand his unwillingness to share you.”
I pulled the cushions off the couch and pushed aside the coffee table, covered in empty pizza boxes from Aaron and Caleb’s dinner. While I got the bed ready Aaron rummaged in the closet for sheets. He returned to the living room with full arms. We soon had the lumpy bed ready.
“What are your thoughts on sharing me?” I asked once we settled under a worn old quilt Aaron had dug out of the depths of the closet. Aaron had shucked off his jeans once he was under the blankets. He snuggled in closer before he answered.
“I thought I’d hate it. But, turns out I kind of like watching you with them. Like I expected to be wicked jealous, but watching Elliott kiss you earlier was hot. Is that weird?”
“I don’t think so. But I’m used to watching Elliott kiss someone I love,” I said wryly. Aaron snorted.
“You know, I never would have pictured you in the middle of a poly relationship when we were kids. But it suits you. I like seeing the sides of you they bring out.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. It’s comforting to be part of a family again, even if Elliott will take convincing I’m not looking to steal you away.”
“You are part of my family,” I said. Aaron smiled at me.
“I know. And so are they. And Caleb wants us all to be one big happy family under the same roof, right?”
“What do you think of his plan?”
“I think we would need a bigger apartment. Four dudes in this tiny place would get cramped. And I doubt sharing a wall will endear me to Elliott’s heart if he can hear us every time we fuck. And I might die of blue balls if you force me to listen to you three going at it.”
I laughed at the image.
“You’ll live.”
“Hm, you haven’t seen the three of you together, have you?”
“Neither have you, but my imagination is just as good as yours.”
“Touché. So, would it be weird to ask how they are in bed?”
“A little.”
“Hm, I’ll ask again when Elliott doesn’t hate me so much.”
“Good thought.”
We cuddled in silence until I thought he might have drifted off again.
“Hey, Jake?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
“Love you too, Aaron.”
Chapter 5
Aaron
“What the heck?” Elliott’s angry voice woke me from a dead sleep. Or maybe it was the sudden absence of the warm quilt over Jake and I as Elliott snatched it away from us. I focused bleary eyes on him as he balled the quilt against his chest. And he reminded me of an angry toddler cuddling a security blanket that another kid had stolen. Great, more reason for him to hate me.
“What’s wrong?” Jake asked. Jake sounded as bewildered as me.
“This is mine,” Elliott seethed.
I wondered if his anger was more about my presence than the blanket. If he really meant that Jake was his. But did it matter what upset him? The bottom line was that I was invading his home and upending his life. And as much as Caleb had welcomed me, this was Elliott’s home too.
“What’s going on?” Caleb stumbled into the hall. He took in the scene with a wary gaze.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know. It didn’t seem right to take your bed, and I found the blanket in your linen closet, I should have asked.” I said.
“You should have gone home,” Elliott said waspishly.
“I invited them to stay,” Caleb interjected. He put a cautious hand on Ellio
tt’s shoulder. Elliott spun and glared at Caleb.
“I’m sorry,” Jake said, and he sounded pained. “El, I never wanted to hurt you.”
“Don’t patronize me.”
“I’m not, I—”
“You are. Last night I heard you discussing me with Caleb. I’m not a child. I don’t want you to coddle me and discuss me like I’m a problem for you to solve.”
“You scared me last night, Elliott. I’ve never seen you have a panic attack that bad, and it scared me.”
“Then you should have talked to me about it, not Caleb.”
“I tried.”
“No. You didn’t. You only wanted to sleep with me and pretend nothing happened.”
“That’s not true.”
“I don’t want him here,” Elliott pointed an accusing finger at me.
“I’ll leave, no problem,” I said.
It was a little awkward pulling my jeans back on in front of Jake and his two lovers. More than a little. But I did it as fast as I could manage, using my TK to grab my hoodie from near the door, because the room seemed ice cold. Or perhaps that was just Elliott’s arctic disdain for me.
“Elliott,” Caleb said—so much to unpack in that one word. Love, concern, gentle admonition. Elliott was not having it though.
“What? You want me to pretend to be happy? Pretend I like him?” Elliott gestured at me, the movement a sharp slash of his hands. “I don’t. He’s a selfish asshole who dropped Jake the minute things became inconvenient for him. And then expected to pick up where they left off when he returned without warning. Like he never broke Jake’s heart. Like Jake should’ve put his life on hold for six years. It’s bullshit.”
I bit my lip. He wasn’t wrong. I had taken Jake for granted. I hadn’t expected him to stay single or pine for me. But that hadn’t stopped me from waltzing back into his life and renewing our relationship. Even though I knew he had committed to Caleb and Elliott in my absence. Made them his family.
“I should let you three discuss this alone,” I said.
“No, stay,” Caleb said with a firm shake of his head. “You get a voice too. Everyone gets a say,” Caleb fixed Elliott with a pointed look, Elliott huffed off to his room with his quilt bundled against his chest. He looked more hurt than angry though.
