by Ruby Keller
"What do you think?" Oliver said. "Do you see yourself living here if it weren't for the missing bears?"
"I don't care where I live," I said. "As long as I have my Daddies with me, I'm a happy boy."
"You know, Michael's house is just a few minutes' walk from here," Lance said. "You could visit him whenever you wanted if we lived here all the time. And the club's nearby too."
"It would be nice to have more playdates with him." I smiled at the thought of all the fun we could have, but the possibility of never seeing Coco and Teddy was scary.
We swam to our heart's content and when we got out, it was time for lunch. I played with my new toys on the kitchen floor while they cooked. Oliver carried me to the nursery and put me on the highchair before the bed. Lance strapped me in and they sat on the bed, taking turns gently blowing the hot lunch and feeding me with a spoon. Halfway through, I noticed that they were stealing glances whenever I looked away at the toys in the distance. I could see them from the corner of my eyes but I pretended not to notice. They hadn't done that before, so what had changed? Did something happen that I wasn't aware of? Or was their attraction slowly growing. Either way, it gave me hope that we might be a loving family one day with all of us in a single relationship instead of two separate ones. I tried to act normal but I couldn't help but wiggle wildly in my chair with excitement this time when it happened after the last bite. I couldn't hide things or keep my emotions in control when I was in my Little headspace.
"Look at him bouncing." Lance wiped my mouth with a napkin. "Enough energy to power a small village."
"What's gotten you excited all of a sudden, little one?" Oliver undid the seatbelt and took me in his strong arms before placing me on their combined laps. I wrapped my arms around their waists and pulled them in closer.
How could I explain to them the joy of watching people I cared about beginning to fall for each other? Only a boy with two Daddies could understand such a singular and immense joy.
"It's everything," I said and paused, still finding it hard to sit still as I thought of a way to verbalize my joy. "This, us, everything. My anxiety’s better and I’ve been sleeping through the night the past few weeks. Today's just been such a good day too. I got a new nursery, new toys, we finally got to see where Daddy lives, and most important of all, I have you two in my life. I just can't believe how lucky I've gotten for receiving all this love after going through a lifetime of hatred and beatings. I wish I could've given you something in return for all the kindness but I have nothing to give. I'm also scared if life is going to take everything away from me just as suddenly as it gave me everything."
My eyes were beginning to turn wet just thinking about my life had I not had the courage to run away from my evil father. Then I wouldn't have met the men who called me their family, and I would still be living my life in fear and shame.
"Aw, sweetheart." Lance kissed my cheek and caressed my hair. "You're being silly. You already give us everything we want. Do you know what that is?"
"Me?" I said after thinking for a moment and he nodded.
"You've given us your love." Oliver held my hand and rubbed it with his thumb. "Don’t you see? That's all we want from you, honey. We want you to be your true self, to be happy, and to let us take care of you. You've brought joy and happiness in our lives."
"And you're not going to lose anything you have." Lance smiled. "You're stuck with your Daddies for the rest of your life, whether you like it or not."
"Forever?" I asked, looking up at him with big eyes.
"Yes, forever and ever." Hugging me tightly, he kissed my head. “Now, do you want to read a story together and take a nap after?”
Did I ever not?
Later that evening, they dressed me up in an ‘I love bears’ shirt and bright blue jeans, and then we were on our way to Clayton's pizzeria for dinner.
"Are you sure no one’s going to make fun of me in these clothes?” I looked down at my Little clothes, holding onto Lance’s hand in the backseat while Oliver drove us. I was beginning to regret my decision to go as a Little.
“I thought you might reconsider your decision,” Oliver said, briefly turning around before looking back at the road. “I packed other clothes in case you want to change.”
Daddy was always prepared for any unforeseen situation, pulling all sorts of things out of the small backpack like a magician.
“You can change if you want to, sweetheart,” Lance said, raking his fingers through my hair. “But no one’s going to make fun of you, not at my restaurant. How could anyone make fun when you look so handsome?”
“Your Daddy’s right, little one,” Oliver said from the front seat. “We’ll kick their butt if anyone’s mean to you.”
“Yeah, look at these muscles.” Lance pulled his sleeve up and flexed to show off his biceps. “Wanna feel them?”
“It’s been so long since I’ve touched them.” I pressed it with two fingers as blood rushed to my cheeks. “They’re so hard and big. You’re right. As long as I have you two next to me, I have nothing to fear.”
When we reached and got out of the car, I held onto their hands in the middle and I was hoping Oliver would find the place just as amazing as I did the first time I saw it. Lance was constantly making improvements and it didn’t look like he was going to stop until it was one of the best in the city.
“It looks like one of those expensive places,” Oliver said when we stepped in, looking at all the big paintings on the wall.
“But it isn’t.” Lance shook his head. “I wanted it to be affordable, so you’ll find the menu to be reasonably priced.”
I let go of their hands and walked over to the painting with a puppy and a kitten playing while their mothers watched on. “I personally helped Daddy Lance pick this one. Do you like it?”
Oliver smiled and caressed my head. “I didn’t know my boy has such a good eye for art. Good job, honey.”
I leaned my head into his hand to ask for more and he obliged, going back to caressing my head.
“I’d love to have you select one too, Oliver,” Lance said, following a waiter who nodded and led us to our table. “It would be nice to have a reminder at work of people I care about.”
He was going to let Daddy Oliver pick a painting too? My mouth opened up slightly in surprise. I couldn’t believe I was seeing such a big change in their dynamics in such a short time. I was beginning to believe that I had missed out on something. What exactly, I wasn’t sure yet. Perhaps they had an agreement to be nice to each other for my sake. But since it meant my Daddies were getting along so well, it didn’t matter that I wasn’t a part of that conversation.
“I love what you’ve done with the place, Lance.” Oliver looked around at the fancy chair and tables before planting a hand on Lance’s and squeezing it. “Clayton would’ve been so proud.”
My jaw almost dropped open at seeing them touch hands. They had always been too macho to look at each other naked during threesomes, or sit close together if they were watching TV in my absence, or even hug. I always wished it would change but I had accepted that it was in a Daddy’s nature to act like straight frat bros around each other.
“I know, but it’s still new so there’s a lot to improve,” Lance said with a smile. “Right now, I’m trying to improve the menu through customer feedback. I suggest we order the protein lovers pizza and a vegetarian pizza for our boy. Or would you like the pizza named after Clayton instead, sweetheart? It isn't on the menu yet because I wanted you to be the first to try it and give me your honest opinion.”
It was so romantic of Lance to have named a pizza after Clayton. Apparently, it was loaded with broccoli, spinach, and basil because unlike me, Clayton used to love his greens.
"Yes, please." I nodded. "It would be an honor to be the first to try it."
When the pizzas arrived, we waited patiently for Oliver to take a bite.
"Wow," he said after washing it down with his drink. "That's the best pizza I've ever
tasted."
"I said the same thing, Daddy!" I was so glad I wasn't the only one who thought so.
After everyone finished, Oliver put his fingers on Lance’s lips and wiped away a tiny piece of cheese off it, catching Lance by surprise and causing him to blush. I had never seen Lance blush before but why was he blushing in the first place? I looked at Oliver and he was trying hard not to smile. Did he find Lance’s blushing adorable? A boy could only take so much cuteness in a day. They were going to kill me with cuteness overload. It felt like I was getting to watch my Daddies go on a date. I couldn’t help but wiggle in my chair at the thought that I was witnessing them begin to fall in love. Being a happy and loving family didn’t seem like a far-fetched idea after all.
“If you’re wiggling about successfully finishing your dinner, think again little one,” Oliver said with a grin. “You can’t just scrape off the greens, honey. You want to be a strong boy, don’t you?”
“Fine,” I groaned and forked a piece of broccoli.
“So, Lance”, Oliver said, moving his attention back to him. “Where do you shop for clothes? They look so good on you. I can never find ones that fit me so well.”
“Oh, this old thing?” Lance blushed again, waving a hand nonchalantly. “I threw on whatever I could find. I bought it so long ago I don’t even remember where from. Your clothes fit you well too. You just have such a muscular body that it’s hard to find the right fit anywhere. But I like the shirt you’re wearing. It goes well with the color of your eyes.”
“I was considering wearing a suit, but I wanted to wear something casual to match our boy’s clothes,” Oliver said.
“You’d look really good in a suit, especially the one that looks almost too tight on you.” Lance smiled nervously.
Oliver laughed. “Oh, you mean the blue one? Yeah, I was considering throwing it away. I couldn’t bend over in them without the risk of ripping them in half. But it does look good on me, yes. It just isn’t very comfortable.”
Who were these people and what had they done with my Daddies? They had never talked to each other so openly before, always to or about me. It was nice to see them complement and try to get to know each other better. Any other boy might’ve been jealous that he wasn’t the center of their attention and love anymore, but me? I was just overjoyed and honored to watch what was possibly the beginning of a beautiful relationship, one which involved all three of us loving each other equally.
After I managed to finish the greens with much difficulty, we headed to the storage room at the back of the kitchen. We browsed through the expensive-looking paintings until Oliver found the one he wanted. It was one with two big wolves looking at each other affectionately and what looked like a smile, with a little one in between looking up at them with its tongue hanging out with joy.
“This one,” he said pointing at it. “I think it captures our dynamic very well. The little one is Elijah because he looks the cutest, and the big ones are us because we protect and take care of him.”
“I couldn’t have picked better,” Lance said and I nodded when they looked at me.
The fact that the big wolves looked so truly in love gave me hope that my Daddies too were falling in love and that we might be a happy and loving family one day.
Chapter 9: Lance
Just when I thought there was nothing that could compare to falling in love with Elijah, I had begun to fall for Oliver. The day we made out in the bedroom had been one of the happiest days of my life. That’s what my men did, they kept bringing joy and happiness into my life. Every time I thought life couldn’t get any better, I was proven wrong over and over again.
Last night felt so special. It was so intimate to have Oliver over at my restaurant, to let him see the work that involved my blood and sweat. The way he described the painting he selected meant I could only see my men when I looked at it, even when they were far away in the woods and I was at work.
If only we could tell Elijah about what was going on. There was no indication of how his reaction might be, but it was getting harder and harder with each passing day to hide my feelings for Oliver. We had stayed true to our word and did everything in our power to control our physical urges. I wanted to be able to kiss him or cuddle, but I had to settle with innocent flirting and stealing glances in our boy’s presence. Even when Elijah was at work while we were at home, I could tell there was sexual tension between us, but there was nothing we could do about it other than holding hands and me resting my head against his chest.
Even with such joy in my life, there was an occasional and ever increasingly sudden pang of sadness, and now that Clayton’s death anniversary had finally arrived, it was at its peak. Oliver drove us to the cemetery and Elijah was holding my hand in the backseat.
"It's time, Daddy," Elijah said when the car stopped.
We got out and I stood in the middle holding their hands. It was so good to have my men by my side but I wasn't sure I had the strength to go through with it.
I stopped after we took a few steps. "God, I don't know if I can do this. Seeing his grave would make it all real, that he really is gone and never coming back."
Oliver let go of my hand and rubbed my back. "Accepting that he's gone is the first step in letting yourself grieve."
"Yeah, we'll be right there with you, Daddy," Elijah said. "Besides, you'll regret it if you never see where Clayton rests for eternity."
It was so sweet of my boy to give me courage. It was a Daddy's job but Littles were so kindhearted that they took care of their Daddies just as much as it was the other way around.
I took a deep breath and realized that my boy was right. I didn't want to regret not visiting often later on in life. I had to do it no matter how hard it was. It was time for Clayton to see that I had found love again, not once but twice. He would've wanted to see me happy and loved.
We held hands and searched together until we found Clayton's headstone. I froze the moment I saw his name.
I let go of their hands and walked over to touch the headstone, tracing my fingers through his name carved on it before whispering, “Daddy’s here, Clayton. Did you miss me?”
When I stepped back, it all suddenly came back to me, the day I first saw Clayton, his cute laugh, the first time we kissed, the first time he called me Daddy, his favorite food, the first time he said he loved me, how he was inconsolable when he came to my house crying and calling himself homeless because his parents had kicked him out for being gay and loving me, the day I asked him to marry me which hours later led to his tragic death at the hands of a drunk truck driver, and my inability to protect him as his Daddy.
I fell onto the ground on my knees and let tears flow freely, crying just as inconsolably as the day Clayton was kicked out and disowned. Back then he had me to comfort him and tell him Daddy was going to make everything better, that I'd love for him to move in with me. I wish I had him consoling me right now because I needed him, but instead, I had my men kneeling on the ground with me, wrapping their hands around me tightly. One of them was stroking and kissing my head while the other was rubbing my back in small circles. I didn't know which was which for my vision blurred as I sobbed hysterically. Oliver was wiping my tears away but soon they were replaced by new ones.
"He…," I began to speak but the words wouldn't come out, but I took a deep breath and managed to continue. "He can't go to sleep without Dino, his stuffed dinosaur that's still in the nursery. He said it gave him strength and made him feel that I was with him even when I wasn't. He's scared of the dark without it and it must be awfully dark down there. I would've sneaked it into his coffin if I hadn’t been banned from the funeral."
"I have an idea, Daddy." Without explaining himself, Elijah ran towards the car and returned with the stuffed dinosaur I had gifted him. "Here, Clayton can have my stuffie."
"You'd do that for him?" I smiled through my tears, appreciating the gesture which was small yet touching. "But you love it so much, sweetheart. You're gonna miss it."
"I have you to hug and cuddle with, Daddy." He smiled when I took it and threw his arms around me. "Clayton needs it more than me, as a reminder of his Daddy's love."
"That's so sweet." Oliver kissed his head as he broke the hug. "I'm so proud of you."
"He would've loved to meet you two." I placed it before his headstone and stepped back. "Especially you, Elijah."
"I would've loved to meet him too." He grabbed onto my hand. "He sounds like he was a nice boy. I would've loved to play with him and have him meet the bears."
"Yeah." I laughed. "He loved animals to pieces, even the scary looking ones. You two would've gotten along well. You know, I'm so lucky to have you in my life. You've brought joy and happiness back into my life when I thought it wasn't possible after Clayton’s death."
I was also lucky to have Oliver in my life, but I couldn't say it out loud. It seemed ridiculous to me now that we were hiding our feelings from our boy. Seeing Clayton's headstone made me realize that life was too short for hiding things. We had such little time in our lives and yet we spent it as if we were immortals, having fights over trivial things, disowning family members over sexuality, or hiding our true feelings. I didn't want to hide how I felt about Oliver anymore. I wanted to be proud of how I felt and hope that our boy understood.
"That's our boy, a miracle worker," Oliver said and ruffled his hair.
I finally stopped sniffling and wiped my tears. It was comforting to see that Clayton had a new Dino to keep him company in the darkness. He could finally go to sleep knowing that even in my absence, Dino was by his side to keep him company as a reminder of Daddy’s love. We sat there for a long time as I replayed all our happy times in my mind while my men patiently sat by my side. By the time I was ready to leave, I couldn’t help but smile. I knew that Clayton was probably smiling down from heaven, bouncing with excitement to see me happy with my men, glad that I finally came to visit him.
When we stood up, they hugged me one after the other and held onto my hands.
