When she was finished with her camera she glanced at her watch and then with a thumbs-up sign suggested that they return to the surface. He signalled okay and kicked his fins as they swam straight up. They hadn’t dived deep enough to need more than a quick safety stop, so they kicked up through the water, his fins an extension of his body propelling him gently, as if he were a creature of the ocean rather than the interloper that his gas tanks and wetsuit proved him to be.
As they broke the surface, Guy looked over to make sure Meena was still with him. They had surfaced away from the yacht but he knew that his crew would be watching for him. Would bring the speedboat over to collect them if he gave them the signal. But the sea life beneath them was so tranquil, so delicately balanced with the new coral transplants and the recently returned marine life, that he didn’t want to disrupt it by bringing the boat closer and scaring away the fish.
Or maybe it was that he didn’t want to disrupt this, he thought as Meena pulled off her mask and smiled at him. Under the water, there had been no place for complications. No thoughts about their past, or what they had been to each other before. Diving together, they were responsible for keeping one another safe. It was important to be in the moment. To communicate. There were enough barriers between them, with not being able to speak to each other beyond simple hand signals, to prevent anything to distract them.
But now that they were back above the surface, back in the real world, those doubts came flooding back. He never should have mentioned that they had known each other before. He had seen how she had reacted to that. How she had started to wonder whether she had the full story. Had tried slotting that new piece of information into her memories and seeing if it stirred up anything else.
He was suddenly struck with doubt that he was doing the right thing by keeping their past from her. But he couldn’t see a way of telling her without hurting her. He had loved her then, and she him, but he didn’t—couldn’t—love her any more.
What if she had questions? How could he tell her what he had done, who he had become? No. He had been right the first time round. Telling Meena could only lead to more pain for them both. Knowing what they had shared, what they had lost, felt like a knife in his chest every time that he saw her. Every time he remembered what they had hoped for in their relationship, and how pitiful the reality had turned out to be. He couldn’t spare himself that pain but he could spare her. And he would. He owed her that.
They swam over to the boat with barely a word spoken, just a smile passing between them. With his buoyancy adjusted, it felt more like floating, a lazy kick of his fins moving him through the water with barely any effort. They climbed aboard the yacht, water dripping from their wetsuits puddling around their feet on the smooth, oiled deck, as his staff appeared to collect their dive gear and hand out warm, fluffy towels and dressing gowns.
With the activity around them, he could barely see Meena. He glanced over her way to say something, but when he saw her hand on the zip at the back of her suit he immediately looked away. He didn’t want to see that. Never mind that it wasn’t appropriate to watch her as she was undressing. He couldn’t. To be reminded of the wonder of her body would be too much. The reminder of making love to her. Of how she had trusted him. And he her. How together they had explored one another, fulfilled one another. Loved one another.
He pulled on a towelling robe over his tight, wet swim shorts and waited until Meena cleared her throat before looking round again.
‘That was wonderful,’ she said, her expression matching the smile and passion in her words. ‘The coral is doing even better than the last time that I was here.’
Guy couldn’t help but return her smile. ‘Shall we dry off,’ he suggested, ‘and have a drink while we talk about it?’
‘Perfect. I have so many ideas for Le Bijou. I’d like to know what you think of them.’
* * *
She’d been so inspired by what she had seen on the reef, she couldn’t wait to adjust her plans for how to put that into action. Her mind raced with ideas as she headed back to the cabin to change.
When she emerged, clean and dry in a cotton sundress, the sun was lower in the sky, its burning intensity now merely a hot glow on her skin. Still, she pulled her shades over her eyes, as glad for the subtle barrier they would provide between her and Guy as she was for their UV protection. But when she reached the deck Guy was nowhere to be seen. A steward had left a selection of drinks in an ice bucket, and a basket overflowing with fruit on a table between two sun loungers stretched under a sun shade, so she poured herself a glass of water and perched on the edge of one of the loungers, waiting for Guy to appear.
He strode out onto the deck with the confidence only a man on his own yacht possessed and came to sit beside her. Grabbing a beer from the ice bucket, he flipped off the lid and sat back.
‘So what was your verdict on the coral?’ he asked, looking across at her as he eased back onto the lounger. ‘Were you happy with how it was doing?’
She could feel herself glow with pleasure as she answered him. ‘I really was. There’s such a difference from the last time that I was here.’ So many of the bare, dead areas of coral were now teeming with life, and she’d recorded at least a dozen species that had moved in since her last survey. She couldn’t have hoped for a better result. ‘What did you think of it?’ she asked.
He smiled, and she was tempted to melt at the way the lines softened his face. It made him more human. ‘It was a relief, to be honest, after seeing the reef by Le Bijou. That was how I remember the diving here. Was it as bad as Le Bijou?’ Guy asked. ‘Before the transplant, I mean.’
She noticed that mention of diving here before, and again it tugged at something in her mind. A memory lurking just out of reach. She shook the feeling off, trying to stay in the present. Resisting the pull to that black hole in her memories.
‘It was different,’ she said. ‘Not exactly as bad, but it definitely wasn’t good. We’ve made a real difference. We have every reason to hope that we can replicate the results.’
Guy’s smile took her aback.
‘Well, anyone would think you actually care,’ Meena said, smiling back at him.
He frowned. ‘Of course I care, Meena. Why do you think I came?’
Of course he had come because he wanted to see the coral, she chided herself. Did he think that she was sitting here imagining that he had some sort of ulterior motive for seeing her? She could laugh at that. Should laugh at that. The only answer that made sense was that he had a real interest in how the reef was recovering. How that could be applied to Le Bijou.
So that he could get his building permits.
As her brain raced through the permutations of the different reasons that Guy could have had to come out to the dive today, of course it all came back to that. He wanted his permits so that he could get his building project moving again and get off the island.
‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I know that you care,’ Meena said quickly.
‘You should know,’ Guy said, and then stiffened, as if he had said something wrong. Meena watched, confused, as his body language became more and more uncomfortable. Eventually, he sat up on the edge of the lounger, facing her, his expression deadly serious.
‘What do you mean by that?’ she asked, the tension in his body contagious, putting her on edge too. They were sitting so close their knees were almost touching, their pose laughably tense on two pieces of furniture designed specifically for relaxation.
‘Nothing,’ he said, refusing to meet her eye.
‘It’s not nothing,’ she countered, trusting her gut. Trusting that feeling that there was a memory lurking just a little way out of reach. Trusting that Guy was hiding something, something that she would want to know.
‘Why should I know that you care?’ Meena asked. ‘I’ve only known you a week. You’ve not wowed me with your passion
for environmental conservation. There’s something you’re not telling me. What is it?’
She stared him down. She needed him to be truthful with her. She had spent so long questioning her body. Questioning her mind. Now she just knew that she was right about this. She had picked up on something that Guy had said and now she needed him to follow through and fill in the blanks.
‘It’s nothing,’ Guy said.
‘You’re lying.’ She held his gaze a little longer. ‘Why?’
He shifted uncomfortably on the lounger, then stood and walked over to the railing, turning his back on her and looking out over the ocean.
‘I’m right, aren’t I?’ Meena asked, watching his back. ‘You’re hiding something from me.’
‘I’m trying to do the right thing here,’ he said, turning around and leaning back against the rail, his arms crossed over his body.
‘Let me make that easy for you,’ she said, walking over to him, feeling perspiration prickle her skin in the late afternoon sun as she mirrored his crossed arms, holding his gaze and refusing to back down. ‘Tell me the truth.’
‘I don’t want to hurt you, Meena.’
There was something in the familiar tone of his voice, the way that his eyes softened as he looked at her, that told her most of what she needed to know. They weren’t strangers. Hadn’t been strangers even when she’d met him on the beach a week ago. He had known her before. Remembered her from when he had stayed at his parents’ resort on St Antoine seven years ago, before her accident.
That hole in her memory loomed before her, menacing with its secrets and the hidden parts of her soul. He knew what lurked in there; she was sure of it. And, if she wanted to know, she was sure that she could make him tell her.
Was it him? Was he the mystery man she had been looking for all this time? And, if he was, did she want to know for sure?
She knew she could find out now if she pushed. He would tell her.
But she didn’t know if she was ready.
‘I don’t want you to hurt me either,’ she told him.
Guy shook his head, arms dropping from where they had been crossed to grip the railing behind him. ‘Then don’t make me talk about that time.’
She thought for a few long seconds about letting this lie. About protecting herself from whatever it was that he thought would hurt her. She could leave this yacht and they could never mention this conversation again. When Guy was gone from the island, she would never have to think about him again.
But the unease in her chest as she considered it told her what she needed to know—she had to find out what had happened to her that summer. Who she had become. She had spent the last seven years of her life wondering about that time. She couldn’t turn away from this opportunity, even if it did mean more pain. What could be worse than not knowing who she had been? Who she was now?
‘I need to know, Guy. I need you to tell me everything.’
He let out a long sigh, lifted a hand and rubbed at his hair, and a chill went down Meena’s spine at the expression on his face. If they had been romantically involved before, if he was the man that she’d lost her virginity to, then she would expect embarrassment. Not fear. Not this pain that etched lines into his forehead.
‘I’ve already guessed that we knew each other that summer,’ she said. ‘But my memories are missing,’ she added, hoping that would prompt him to continue. ‘How did we meet?’
The look on his face had already confirmed what she had been starting to suspect. That he was her mystery boyfriend from that summer. But his expression was scaring her, rather than reassuring her. What had happened between them to cause the pain that was so clearly emanating from him?
‘We were friends, weren’t we? More than friends.’ She made it a statement, rather than a question.
She couldn’t tell him how she knew, though. Couldn’t tell him she’d known all along that she’d had a lover that summer because she’d been pregnant. Unless he already knew that. She’d been six weeks along when the accident had happened. Had she told him? Had she even known herself? This was why she needed to know.
Guy shook his head, and for a moment she thought that he was going to deny everything. If he did that, she wouldn’t know what to do next. She would know that he was lying. His face had already told her that they had a past. What she needed now were the details.
‘Yes, we knew each other,’ Guy said without meeting her eyes.
‘More than knew each other. We were...involved.’
He looked up then, meeting her gaze briefly before looking away again. ‘Yes. We were involved.’
CHAPTER FIVE
INVOLVED. THAT ONE word didn’t come anywhere near to what they had been to each other. He had never even wanted to reveal this much. But she’d looked at his face and read exactly what she needed to know. He’d expected her to have lost that knack. They barely knew each other any more. She shouldn’t be able to see into his thoughts like that. But, as usual, he had underestimated her.
So what if she knew that they had been involved, though? Could that be enough for her? Could he extricate himself from this conversation without having to open a vein and bleed every single moment of their history onto the deck in front of her?
‘We had sex?’ she asked, doing away with euphemisms.
His head snapped up at the question and he held her gaze. Her expression was fierce, and he knew that he couldn’t lie to her.
‘Yes, we had sex.’
It seemed both so simple and so cold to say those four words. They didn’t come anywhere close to describing what they had shared. But revealing even that much was going much further than he had ever wanted.
What was he meant to say? Yes, we had sex. I loved you, but you never came to me. You broke my heart, and me. And now I’m dangerous and no good for you and I’m not going to risk hurting you by telling you all this.
But of course he couldn’t.
Knowing now that it wasn’t her fault that she had never come to Australia didn’t matter. He didn’t hold that against her, wasn’t angry. How could he possibly be, in the circumstances? But, even though it hadn’t been intentional, the damage had still been done. He had made the decisions that he had made, and someone had died. He couldn’t undo that. Would never be free of the responsibility or the guilt. The wound to his heart had turned him into someone who hurt the people he tried to love.
If only he had been there. If he had managed to curb his drinking enough to actually make it out of his apartment and to the nightclub, he could have stopped his girlfriend, Charlotte, taking those pills. He would have noticed that she needed help. He would have called an ambulance before she collapsed and everything would have been different. She would have been alive and he wouldn’t have been a monster. But that hadn’t happened. Instead he had downed beer after beer and then a bottle of whisky, trying to drown his memories and numb himself enough to get out of the house and face the people he called his friends.
He wasn’t making that mistake again.
After Charlotte had died he’d stopped the partying. Stopped the drinking. Had concentrated on growing his business. But he could never forget what had happened. And he had no doubt in his mind that if he and Meena started a relationship again one of them, or both of them, would get very badly hurt, and he had no interest in either outcome.
Guy tried to read the expression on Meena’s face as she took in what he had said. The shock at his straight answer came first; that one was clear. But it mellowed into something subtler. Something he was less sure of.
‘Just once?’ she asked eventually.
He huffed in a deep breath. He could lie. But he’d had enough of lying. He would answer her questions truthfully. But that didn’t mean he had to volunteer anything more than she asked for.
‘No. More than once.’
‘But then you left.’ She narrowed
her eyes at him, taking a step closer. He could feel her scrutiny on his face. In his heart.
‘Yes.’
‘Why?’ Her arms remained crossed, her expression unreadable now. Not quite hurt. Not quite curious. Somewhere between the two, perhaps.
‘Because the summer was over.’
He caught the huff and the eye roll that let him know she didn’t believe him. It wasn’t the whole truth. But it wasn’t a lie. ‘And you never knew about my accident?’
‘No,’ he said softly. ‘I swear I never did. Not until you told me yourself.’ It was important that she believed him on that. Whatever else had happened between them, he didn’t want her to think he was the sort of man who would have left her to cope with that alone, not if he had known what she’d been going through.
‘And why did you decide not to tell me about all this?’ This question was forced out through gritted teeth, and he understood for the first time what a risk he had taken by keeping the truth from her until now. He had to make Meena see that he had only ever acted in what he’d thought were her best interests, even if it didn’t seem that way now. He had only ever wanted to save her from the hurt that he felt every time he remembered what they had once been to each other. But, again, that was more than Meena needed to know. He wasn’t lying to her any longer.
‘It didn’t seem relevant...any more.’
‘It didn’t seem relevant to our current working relationship that we used to have sex with each other?’
He shook his head, firm in his resolve to protect himself. To protect Meena. He would give her the facts that she needed to fill in the blanks in her memories. But she had no claim on knowing his emotions. Those were his and his alone.
‘No,’ he said bluntly.
Unforgivably bluntly.
‘Why not?’ she asked, clearly determined not to let him off the hook so easily.
‘Because it’s in the past.’ He uncrossed his arms and rubbed his hands through his hair, wondering how long this Q&A was going to last. The longer it went on, the harder it was to conceal what his feelings for her had once been. And if that came out then, yes, this would get complicated. ‘I thought if you couldn’t remember it, it was less complicated not to tell you,’ he said with complete honesty.
Falling Again for Her Island Fling Page 6
