“You know it seems more and more like I’m just going in circles, like nothing is really getting accomplished or resolved. The moment I think I’ve have something under control or I know what I’m doing, BAM! I’m not any closer to an answer,” she complained, sitting on the sofa in her therapist office.
“What answers are you looking for, Tierra?”
“About Malcolm, about how I feel for him. Shouldn’t I know if I love someone enough to marry him? If it’s wrong, why can’t I just say bye and let him go?”
“Why do you think you can’t let him go?”
“Because I don’t like to fail, I guess. Everyone says I don’t have to get it right the first time, but
I’m so used to getting things right every time. Why should a relationship be any different?”
“Tierra, a relationship isn’t a boardroom. You can’t go in it and say this is supposed to be like this, and that is supposed to be like that, and expect things to happen that way. A relationship only works when two people are compatible. You have to look out for each other, nurture each other, trust each other, and rely on each other. If you don’t feel safe enough to tell Malcolm your secrets, maybe he isn’t the right person for you.”
“You mean about the rape? Why does he have to know about that?”
“Tierra, are you still having nightmares? Are you still uncomfortable in large groups, running off to catch your breath? What about what happened in your apartment?”
“What?”
“When he kissed you, you’re reaction. I mean, granted his reaction sounded a bit less than understanding. But how do you expect him to react to your slapping him, when he doesn’t know why you were so suddenly agitated? Have you even told him why you went off that way?”
Ti sat quietly. There was no way she was telling Malcolm about being raped, especially after what went down in her bedroom. She felt even more now, like maybe she made a big mistake going on even one date with him.
“I don’t trust him with my past. That knowledge, I can see myself telling only one man, and he’s not even taking my calls! Does that mean I don’t really love him?”
“Well, what would you tell say, Chamani, that’s Qu’s baby sister’s name right? What would you tell her, if she told you she could not open up to her boyfriend about something so monumental?”
“I guess, I’d tell her maybe she needed to rethink her relationship. If she didn’t feel she could trust her man, maybe he wasn’t the man for her. But… the only person I have ever totally trusted was my father, and he’s deceased. The only other person… man I trust is Qu, and he and I well, we are too close to ever date. He’s like a brother to me, definitely not a lover, or a husband.”
“Why? Isn’t that the best way for a relationship to begin, by being friends first? Didn’t you say you felt a vibe coming from him before the accident?”
“Yeah, but it couldn’t have anything to do with him liking me in that way. I mean, he just lost his fiancée in a tragic accident. He couldn’t love me or anyone for that matter, so fast. What would that say about his love for Beautiful?”
“I don’t know, Tierra. Maybe you should ask him about it.”
The bell on the timer on the therapist table rang, signifying that her session was over. The therapist checked his date book and set another appointment for the following week.
“Ok, next time I see you, I will have made a decision on Malcolm, I promise.” she said, standing and reaching for his hand.
“Good job.”
She walked to the staircase of the old building and took a deep breath, wishing she’d remembered her sneakers. ‘I need a drink. This is too confusing.’ she thought. ‘Could Qu really…?’ “Naw, that’s crazy,” she said. Then thought about all the time she’d spent with him since his return to the city, how he’s looked at her, what he said about not letting her get away. She remembered the look on his face as they had dinner at JC’s, how she felt in his arms as they danced, then how she ached thinking she may never see or talk to him again, as he laid in that hospital bed.
She stepped outside the brick building and slid into her car. She was in such a fog she didn’t hear the driver ask where she wanted to go. Silently she sat in the back seat of the car motionless. With no input from Tierra, the driver drove her home. When they arrived, Shireece was waiting for her in front of her door.
“Hey Shi, you looking for me?”
“Yeah girl, I wanted to talk to you,” Shireece replied nervously.
“No problem. I’ve got to get a drink, though. You can talk while I drink, right?” Tierra said taking the keys from her purse, opening her condo door.
“Sure I can. But, I hate to see you drink alone, so pour me a glass too.”
“Seems like we both have some serious things on our minds,” Tierra sat her purse on the hallway table, as Shireece followed her into the kitchen. She reached into the frig and pulled out a bottle of Barefoot, Mascato, while Shireece opened up the cabinet, and removed two wine goblets. The ladies scooted themselves onto the high back bar stools and Tierra poured them a glass of the wine.
“Ok, so you first…what’s up?” Ti said, raising her glass to her lips, taking a sip.
Shireece rubbed her hands together before taking a large sip from her glass.
“Shi, you’re really scaring me. Don’t do this to me again. Is Qu ok?” she asked, placing her glass down and picking up the phone.
“Yeah, stop, put the phone down. Qu is fine. It’s not him, it’s me.” Shireece took a deep breath, lifted her glass to her lips and swallowed the rest of the wine in her glass. “I feel like a horrible wife!”
“What, girl you’re crazy.”
“No, no. I am Ti. I’m a bad, bad wife!” she said and poured herself another glass of wine.
“What are you talking about Shi?”
“I’m out here thinking of how to cut a demo behind Sean’s back, and he is trying to be a better husband.”
“Where is this coming from?
“Girl the other evening I came home and he was already there. He had candles lit all over the house, slow music was playing and he remembered the first meal we shared and had prepared it.”
“That’s so sweet.”
“Tell me about it. You know that man is never home, anymore.”
“Ok so what’s the problem?”
“I can’t tell him, I want to cut a demo, and I feel like crap now for trying to do it secretly.
“Shi, you know I don’t take sides, but you two are a mess. I know how much you love to sing. I told you when you asked me it was a crazy idea. I would have helped you though. I got your back for sure. If you think it’s time to stop this then we will. You’ve been waiting for Sean to pay you attention. He is now, so that’s good right?”
“Of course it’s good Ti. It’s just, ever since I sang at JC’s and every minute since Qu was in the hospital, I’ve had this nagging thought. I don’t want to live my life pretending I’m happy or die never really living. This is something I want more than children, and you know how much I want children.”
“OK, Ok, Shi. So then what are you going to do?”
“I, I don’t know.”
Tierra sensed the anguish in Shireece voice. She reached over and embraced her tightly.
“Thanks for listening.”
“No problem, that’s what friends are for girl”
“Yeah, well ok your turn. What’s your boggle?”
“Hmm, I don’t think mine has such an easy answer. Malcolm asked me to hmmm, marry him, and…” she said reaching in her purse pulling out the solitaire he gave her.
“Wait, when did all this happen, and why didn’t you tell me?” Shireece asked, taking a sip from her glass.
“He asked me just before Qu was hit. I couldn’t even give him an answer him. There is just something that doesn’t feel right. He’s good to me and all, but…” she walked over to a drawer in the kitchen and pulled out the ring and showed Shireece. “I don’t think I totally trust him. I can’t
even tell him about my rape… I mean.” Tierra stopped short, realizing she had again spilled the beans. This time she hopped Shireece didn’t hear her.
Shireece nearly spit out her wine, and dropped the ring.
“What did you just say?” she asked, juggling the rock trying to regain control of it. She sat it on the counter, wiped her mouth and turned to her friend. “What are you talking about, rape? Ti, when??”
“A long time ago.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Tell you? Hell, I didn’t tell anyone! Not until a few months ago. I told Abuela and she told mamma, and…”
“I knew there had to be a reason mama Rodriquez just showed up. I mean ya’ll haven’t spoken in years.”
Tierra nodded silently.
“And the shrink, is that why you are seeing him?”
Again she nodded in agreement.
“Ti, I won’t begin to pretend to know what you must be going through. I will say this, if you can’t trust Malcolm with that knowledge, then Girl, you need to rethink what you feel for him.”
“That’s what the therapist said,” she sighed deeply and placed her head down on the counter top.
“OK, so what are you going to do?”
“Take a bath, relax and really think this thing through.”
“Hey, Shi, can I ask you a crazy question?”
“Sure, what’s up?”
“Do you think Qu is… what I mean to say is… would it be crazy for us to… after all, he just lost his fiancée,” Ti rambled gulping down the last sip of her third glass of wine.
“Fiancée?” Shireece asked, confused. “What do you mean fiancée?”
“Beautiful. She was his fiancée?”
“No…she was his birth mother.”
“His birth mother? When I asked him about it… he said he wasn’t engaged but when he said she died, I just assumed that was what he meant. That was why he wasn’t engaged.”
“No girl, Mrs. Skeene told me at the hospital, Qu had been looking for his birth mother, and they finally found each other. They spent a few months getting to know each other when he was out in Cali. And well you know what happened at his parent’s anniversary party. Well that’s when Qu came here. He was going to bring Beautiful to meet you. Ti, don’t you get it?”
“Get what? That I’m an idiot? How did I miss that? All this time I thought he was getting over losing his true love. I even asked him to tell me what it was like to be in love. I’m the biggest idiot.”
“Ti, you’re missing it still, Qu came here…”
Before show could finish her sentence there was a knock at the door.
“Hold that thought Shireece,” Ti said as she walked to the door. There was a tall slender man standing at the door with a package in his hand.
“Hello?” Tierra said to no one. She opened her door and there was no one there. She stepped on something as she stepped out into the hallway to see if there was someone there. When she looked down there was a Jewel Case with a gold Cd inside of it.
“Who is it Tierra?” Shireece asked, wanting to finish her conversation with Tierra.
“I don’t know, there was no one there. But this was outside my door.” She flipped the case over to see if there was any information on it.
“Who is it from?”
“There isn’t an address, a picture or anything,” Tierra said opening the case and removing the cd. “Oh wait it says, “Watch this alone” on the CD.
“I wonder who it’s from.”
“I don’t know. But I’m tired already of these secretive messages. Mr. Baxwell’s envelope was enough for me.” She paused wondering if the CD was something about the information she had discussed with him.
“Shireece, can we finish this conversation later. Actually, I need to watch this now.”
“But I’ve got to tell you…”
“I know I know, Beautiful was his mother, I got it. We can finish the rest later. This is important,” Tierra insisted, ushering Shireece to the door.
“Ok ok, damn. Listen, just don’t make any decisions about Malcolm and that ring until I finish my story ok… promise?”
“Yeah yeah. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
She was barely listening to Shireece at this point. She closed the door behind her and slowly walked over to the table and picked up the CD. Removing the CD from its case she walked into the living room, hit the power button on her flat screen and slid the DVD into its place on the side on the TV. She took a step back and picked up the remote and pressed the play button. As the DVD began to play, she sat down on her sofa.
As she viewed the contents of the envelope, Tierra’s eyes tripled in size, her face grew pale, and her hands began to shake.
“This can’t be real? WHY?!”
Walking Eyes Shut!
Beautiful Page 47
