Dante watches as I unlock my door. He waits for me to go inside, then follows close behind me.
Since I’m moving more slowly than usual, because of the crutches. I feel incredibly conspicuous knowing he’s watching as I make my way into the living room. I reach up and pull my bag over my head and toss it on a side table, then go over to the couch and flop onto it as gracelessly as only a woman with a bum ankle can. I silently pray that Dante will take one of the other chairs, but instead he comes over to the couch as well and sits down right next to me.
I hold myself straight, as dignified as I can muster, and ignore the impulse to move away. I stare at Dante, expressionless. “Okay. You’re inside,” I say.
“Yeah,” Dante murmurs. “Okay.
“You know,” he begins, looking down at his hands. “When Cyndi died, I kind of took it as a sign. A sign that I was doing the right thing by deciding I needed to stay away from you.”
Something flickers across Dante’s face. Like he’s trying to make a decision. Finally, he tears his eyes away from his hands to look at me.
“That night, when I came over to tell you what happened to her, and you asked me to stay, I wanted to. More than anything.” The dark orbs I know so well search my face. “I couldn’t fuckin’ do it. Because all I could think of was, ‘If I stay tonight, I’m never gonna leave her. And if anything happens to Tori because of me, I’ll never be able to forgive myself.’”
Dante gives me a sad, gentle smile. He reaches up to brush a lock of hair away from my face.
“I would never live through it if you got hurt, or worse, because of me., Tori. The only thing I could think of is that I needed to keep you away from danger. From me. And I thought it would be easier if you thought I was an asshole.”
I think back to that night. How furious and hurt I was. “Mission accomplished,” I murmur.
That gets a reluctant laugh. “God, I’ve missed you.” He shakes his head, his eyes caressing my face, my hair. “You’re so fucking beautiful, Tori. Beautiful, sarcastic, tough, irritating…”
“Um… maybe you should quit while you’re ahead,” I interrupt him. But I’m smiling when I say it.
“Ha. But it’s true,” he tells me. “You’re all that stuff. You’re also fucking perfect. I don’t know how I managed to stay away from you as long as I have, except I had myself convinced it was the right thing to do. Even though I was fucking miserable. Hell, even Mal told me I was full of it. I dunno. To be honest, part of me still feels like I should keep staying away from you. I wonder whether you might be better off.”
I’m stunned. I start to open my mouth, but then I just close it again. I’m just trying to absorb the weight of his words. My God. Dante didn’t mean them. The horrible, hateful things he said that night — he didn’t mean them. He was just saying them to protect me. Dante did that for me.
“You stupid man,” I half-whisper, a wobbly smile curving my lips as my eyes fill with tears. “I’m not better off without you. Not at all.”
My throat constricts. For some reason, Dante’s words make me think about my dad. How he let my mom blame him all these years for my illness, so she had somewhere to put her anger and pain.
Before I know it, it’s all too much, and I start to cry. Dante’s face morphs into an expression of shock.
“Tori,” he murmurs. “It killed me to say all that shit. I didn’t mean any of it. Shit, I never meant to hurt you. You understand that, right?”
“It’s okay,” I sniffle. “It’s not that. It’s… never mind. I’ll tell you about it, sometime. I’m not sad-crying.”
“Oh.” Dante looks confused. “Okay. Good. But still, I know I hurt you that night. It killed me to see the look on your face. God, Tori, I’ve been fighting falling in love with you practically ever since I met you.”
I’m stunned. “What?”
He grins at me and shakes his head in disbelief. “Don’t tell me you didn’t know that. How could you not? I’m in love with you, Tori. Crazy, stupid in love. Why do you think I got so mad at you that time your heart started acting up?”
“Because I didn’t tell you about it,” I answer automatically. “And I should have. I know that now. It was stupid of me.”
“Sure, but that was part of it. But that’s not why I got as mad as I did. I was mad at myself.” He jabs a thumb at his chest.”
Dante takes my hand in his. It’s warm, and strong, and rough. The familiarity of his touch brings tears to my eyes.
“Before I met you, I always felt like love was a weakness,” he murmurs. “Something I didn’t have time for. Something that would only put me at risk. Make me make stupid decisions. I thought I was above that shit. But now I know better. A lot better. And you know what did it? You know what taught me? Your heart.” He shakes his head and laughs softly. “That day when you had that attack, and I got so mad at you for not telling me? I was scared out of my mind, Tori. I’d never been so scared in my fucking life, when I thought you might die on me there. I got mad because I was pissed off I could have hurt you, sure. But I was also pissed off at myself for caring so much.
“I knew I was getting too close to you — hell, I knew I should have seen it coming and backed off, before it was too late. But that night, how helpless I felt — all of a sudden I realized I didn’t know what I would do with myself if anything ever happened to you. I was in love with you. I didn’t know it yet, but I was.”
Dante draws me in for a long, dizzying kiss. When we break apart, I’m breathless.
“Your fucked-up heart melted my heart of iron, Tori,” he rumbles. “At the time, I thought it was probably the worst fucking thing that ever could have happened to me. But I know better now. I don’t want to live without you. I want to be with you.” He reaches up to caress my hair. “To make sure you take your meds, to be your person, in case you have an attack. But I also want to be around because my heart doesn’t work without yours anymore. Even though there’s part of me that still thinks maybe I should just leave you alone, for your own good.”
“I don’t think you should leave me alone,” I whisper.
“Good thing. Because I can’t. I’ve tried, and it’s no use. I want to make you mine, Tori. This back and forth shit with us, it needs to end.” He grows serious. “But I need you to be clear on what you’re getting with me, because it ain’t all pretty.”
“You mean, because you’re rude, and domineering, and cocky, and infuriating?” I risk.
He rolls his eyes. “Okay, touché. But I’m not kidding. You’re walking into a situation here. I just want you to do it with your eyes open. This life ain’t for the faint of heart.”
Dante stops, realizing what he’s just said, and then bursts into a low rumble of a laugh.
“Okay, bad choice of words.” He frowns. “What I mean is… well, I think you know what I mean.” His eyes go to the patches on his cut. “You’ve seen more of it than most people, already. You know this isn’t a white picket fence kind of life.”
“It can be, if we build a white picket fence,” I say. “I already have the house for it to go around.”
“A house you never wanted,” he challenges. “You told me that. A house you called a prison. I don’t want to be another kind of prison for you, Tori. Prettying up a life that you don’t want doesn’t change the life. It just makes the surface look better.”
I look around the room. I’m in my house. In my town. With the man I love.
And just like that, I realize that somewhere along the line, what I want seems to have changed.
“Life can be what you make it,” I say slowly. “I think I’ve kind of realized that, the last few months in Ironwood.”
I remember back to earlier today. To talking to Don about his mother Mavis, and her amazing life. And I realize it’s not just her time during the war that was amazing. It’s the whole thing.
She had true love. She had the life that she chose. And she chose the life she had.
Maybe it’s time for me to do the same.
/> “This is the life I want,” I tell Dante, my eyes shining. “In this house. Maybe not the picket fence. But everything else. I want my job at the paper, and Ironwood.” I pause. “And you.”
“Thank Christ,” he sighs. “But I’m warning you. I’ll fuck up again. I’m pretty new to this shit, and I don’t know much about how relationships work. But I’ll never lie to you. And I’ll never cheat on you. You’re the only woman who has ever made me want to stick around, and that ain’t gonna change.”
“Psh,” I scoff. “You can’t scare me any more than my heart already does.”
He pins me with a look.
“I mean it. You? You’re not scary at all. You’re the opposite of scary.”
I lean into him, inhaling his scent. God, I could make a fortune if I bottled it.
Suddenly, everything tilts on its axis and I’m high in the air, in Dante’s arms.
“I’ll teach you not to be appropriately scared of me,” he mock-growls. He stomps out of the living room with me and into the hallway.
“Wait! My crutches!” I call out, pretending to squirm in his arms.
“Fuck ‘em,” he grunts. “You don’t need those things when I’m around.”
“What if I need them later?” I protest as he carries me up the stairs.
“I’ll come back down and get them. Or hell, maybe I’ll just carry you everywhere until your ankle heals.”
Upstairs, Dante strides into my bedroom and lowers me onto the bed.
“This thing ain’t gonna be big enough for us long-term,” Dante grunts, nodding at the mattress.
I thrill at his words, loving that he’s talking about the future. Our future.
“Oh, yeah?” I pant as his lips travel down my neck. He unbuttons the front of my blouse, with a pinched expression on his face that tells me it’s an effort for him not to just rip the thing off. Then my bra is next, both articles of clothing flung to the floor indecorously. I shiver as he takes one hardening nipple into his mouth.
“Oh, God,” I half-moan. “If my heart decides to give out on me right now, this would be a pretty good way to go.”
Dante freezes and raises his head. His eyes snap to mine.
“Kidding,” I snort. “I’m not gonna die.”
Probably.
Dante gives me a watch it look, then lowers his head again. His tongue slides down my skin, first finding one nipple, and then the other.
“God, I’ve missed this. It’s made me crazy, not to touch you,” he groans. His voice is thick, and the sound of it sends shots of electric thrill through my body. I’ve missed it too, so much. I know how it feels when he pushes deep inside me, practically splitting me in two. My core begins to throb, anticipating it, wanting it.
Dante is gentle. More gentle than I remember him being. I’m not sure if it’s because of my ankle, or something else. But the softness of his touch, the slow way he kisses and licks down my skin as he travels downwards — this is what love feels like, I realize dizzily. He’s loving me with his mouth, with his hands, with his…
Dante finds my sex, already so wet and ready for him. He pushes my legs apart, groaning. “Jesus Christ, I love your taste. I crave it.” His voice is thick with lust. He plunges his tongue inside me. I gasp and fist my hands in his hair, chest arching upward.
“Dante,” I moan.
He stops just long enough to say, “We’re never gonna be apart again. You’re mine. You got that?”
“Yes. I love you,” I breathe.
“I love you, Tori.” Then his tongue is back between my legs. Two fingers slide inside me as he begins to lick and suck at my clit. The fingers find the spot inside me that makes my insides clench, and Dante chuckles low in his throat as I gasp and pull harder at his hair. My hips strain forward, bucking slightly against his mouth, needing more, more, now… I can’t wait for it, I need him to take me where only he can, and thank God, Dante doesn’t make me wait, doesn’t hold back, he lets me have what I crave, and suddenly yes, oh god yes, and I scream and come harder than I remember ever coming, even with him. Dante waits, still teasing me as I shiver and quake, and then he’s hovering above me, kissing me with lips and tongue that taste like me. With one swift movement, he’s sheathed himself in me, groaning, and I shiver again as he keeps kissing me while he thrusts and moves, eventually shouting out his release as he empties long and hard inside me.
Afterwards, I nestle against Dante and wait for sleep to find me. Just before I close my eyes, my vision alights on a small object in a tiny white porcelain bowl, sitting on my nightstand.
It’s the fuse.
In spite of everything that happened between Dante and me, I could never bear to throw it away. At the time, I cursed myself for my stupid sentimentality. For not being able to let go of the spark he set off in me.
My head on his chest, I listen to the steady rhythm of his heart as he holds me in his arms.
The heart’s beat is an electrical signal. Electrical impulses send messages to the atria, telling them to expand or contract, to push blood through the valves to the rest of the body.
Electricity is what keeps us alive.
Listening to Dante’s heart now — beating strong, steady, like nothing could stop it — it gives me strength, too. And faith.
Faith in tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. With Dante by my side.
Ever since I was a little kid, I always wanted a big life.
It turns out, the life I wanted ended up being where I least expected to find it.
Ironwood started out as my escape hatch. Then it became my prison. Now, it’s my haven. My future is here, with Dante. It was always waiting for me.
I just had to go out and find it.
Epilogue
TORI
“I’m not so sure about this color,” frowns Savannah, wrinkling her nose at the living room walls.
“What’s wrong with it?” I ask as I check the drawers of a side table for any small forgotten items.
“It’s kind of… dramatic.”
I shrug.
“Dante picked it out. He got to choose the colors for the living room and the kitchen. I got hallways and the upstairs. I like it, actually. I think the deep red is going to look really good contrasted with the gray of the hall when we repaint that. And the lighter gray patterns of the couch and chairs we bought.”
“Just FYI, painting rooms non-neutral colors tends to negatively impact resale value,” Savannah’s boyfriend Jeremy pipes up, ever the realtor.
“Well, since I am never selling this house, that’s not going to be an issue,” I point out. “Now, help me get the rest of the old furniture out to the garage. But leave Aunt Jeanne’s fainting couch there by the window, and the round side table next to it.”
I pick up a newspaper rack and a large lamp. Jeremy and Savannah each take one end of a loveseat sitting in the far corner. “Thank God that big couch is already out of here,” Savannah puffs as they walk it down the front porch. “That thing was a beast to move.”
“You’re not kidding,” I say. “A couple of the Lords came over and took it yesterday for the clubhouse.” I let out a giggle. “It’s going to be funny to see Aunt Jeanne’s couch in there. I shudder to think about the kind of action it’s going to see. Jeanne would roll over in her grave.”
When we get out to the garage, I reach into my pocket and press the opener for the door. Everything is almost ready for the sale tomorrow. The only things we’ll have to do before it starts is pull the furniture out into the driveway and set up a card table and some chairs for us to sit on — and an umbrella to shade us so we don’t cook to death. Even though it’s still technically spring, it’s been hot and sunny these past few days. Tomorrow is supposed to be no exception.
“Do you need me to come back tomorrow morning and help you guys set everything up?” Jeremy asks when they’ve set down the loveseat inside.
“No. I’m sure we’ll be fine. With Savannah here first thing, we’ll be covered until Bailey, L
aney, and Bethany show up,” I say, naming Gage, Rourke, and Yoda’s old ladies. Those three women have become almost as close to me in the past year as Savannah is. “Actually, I probably won’t even need all of them here. But it will be fun to hang out with them all the same. Besides, you and Savannah have your own stuff going on. Didn’t you say you were meeting with the caterer tomorrow?”
Savannah finally moved in with Jeremy for good when Dante and I got together. They’re engaged now, and getting married in two months. Part of the impetus for me to finally get the living room painted and the new furniture put in is so I can hold her bridal shower here next week.
This last year has been all about me reclaiming this house as my own. Correction, our own. Dante moved in officially six months ago. But realistically, he’s more or less been living here since the night I found him sitting on my front porch and he told me he was in love with me.
We have no plans to put up a picket fence, but we did knock out a wall between two of the five bedrooms to make a huge, luxurious master suite — complete with a king size bed with a top of the line mattress that Dante insisted on. “This thing is gonna get a lot of use,” Dante joked. “We better get a damn good one, because I plan to spend as much time as possible wearing it out.”
Dante and his club brothers also just built this new garage for our cars, and for his workshop. So far, it’s turning out to be a real man cave. It’s so nice that guys from the MC have already started coming over to hang out a lot on weekends. Dante complains about that part, but I know he doesn’t mean it. He loves the home we’re making for ourselves here as much as I do.
“Okay,” Jeremy nods. “Well, it sounds like you’re covered, then. Where is Dante, anyway?”
“He’s on a run with the Lords. Up in Cincinnati, I think.”
“Oh, I see. Sorry to miss him,” Jeremy murmurs, sounding almost relieved. He and Dante have gotten along the few times they’ve met, but I think Jeremy is still a little intimidated by him. “When does he get back?”
“Tomorrow afternoon, probably right around the time the sale is ending.”
Iron Heart (Lords of Carnage Ironwood MC) Page 23
