by Katie Ashley
“Beautiful day out there, huh?” I mused, as I sat the tray down on the hospital table we’d gotten from a medical supply store.
“Oh yes.” His tone echoed a deep longing. As I tucked a napkin into his pajama top, I couldn’t remember the last time he’d been outside. Maybe the night he went to the school board meeting.
While I went about cutting his pancakes, I thought of how much he had to miss his old life—the feel of a horse’s mane beneath his fingers, the smell of the leather on the saddles, the slide of the rope through his hands. His life now was primarily regulated to the four walls of his bedroom.
Suddenly, I knew what I had to do. “Daddy, why don’t we go outside for a little while after breakfast?”
His head slowly swiveled to look at me. I could see the question in his eyes about how that was even was possible considering he now relied on oxygen full time and had a catheter. I smiled. “We’ll make it happen.”
“Yes. I’d love to go.”
I held up a finger. “Just one second.” I went to the door and called for Ansel. He came bounding in the room with a spatula in his hand. “What’s up?”
“Listen, after we finish breakfast, I need you to help get Daddy into his wheelchair. We’re going outside.”
Ansel’s brows shot up in surprise. “We are?”
“Yes. We are,” I replied with a smile.
Although he didn’t look completely convinced, he replied, “Okay. Let me toss back some pancakes.”
“No rush. Daddy has to eat, too.”
Ansel nodded and then headed out of the bedroom. I brought a tiny bite of pancake to Daddy’s lips. He reached out and took the bite, chewing slowly and careful. After he swallowed, he said, “Blueberry pancakes. My favorite.”
“That’s why I made them.”
Daddy smiled. “You’re so good to me, Sophie. I couldn’t have been blessed with a sweeter or better daughter.”
After giving him another bite, I mused, “Just one who didn’t get involved in a sex scandal?”
“We’ve had this discussion, and you know how I feel about it.”
“Yes. I do. I just had to tease you a little.”
“And what about William?”
At the mention of his name, my hand froze with the fork in midair. “Wow, way to bring that one out of nowhere.”
“Not really.”
“I don’t know about William. I haven’t talked to him.” When Daddy refused to take the bite, I cocked my head at him. “Do you want me to do the airplane thing like you’re a toddler?”
“I want to know why you were so stupid and broke up with him.”
The fork fell from my hands and clattered onto the table. “How did you know we broke up?”
He jerked his chin at the window on the far wall. That’s when I realized that he’d been able to hear everything that was said out on the porch. “It had to be done,” I replied, picking the fork back up.
“No. It didn’t.”
“We’re not having this conversation, okay? You need to eat your pancakes.”
“You can’t throw away happiness with both hands and expect me not to have anything to say about it.”
I shook my head. “Please. I don’t want to talk about this. Can’t we just have a nice breakfast together while thinking about how wonderful it’s going to be getting you outside?”
“Keep deflecting your feelings, sweetheart, and you’ll wake up and realize you’ve missed out on a lot of living.” When I started to once again for a subject change, Daddy held up one of his fingers. “Just promise me that you’ll think long and hard about what you’ve done with William.”
“Fine, Daddy. I will.”
“Good.” He smiled. “Now give me some more of those delicious pancakes.”
I returned his smile. “That’s more like it.”
It was quite a production getting Daddy into the straight back wheelchair. We had to be careful of the oxygen tubes and catheter tubes. Daddy was quick to joke not to pull too hard on the catheter because the last thing he needed was to lose his penis. Only my father could still keep his teenaged boy sense of humor in the face of his illness.
Once we finally got him settled and out the door, Ansel pushed the wheelchair along the uneven terrain down to the barn. I winced at each and every bump that jostled Daddy. He didn’t seem to mind too much. Instead, his head turned from side to side as if he was desperately trying to take everything in.
Although the horses were down in the pasture, Ansel still took Daddy through the barn. I knew he would want to see his wall of belt buckles. I was right. The moment he saw them illuminated on the wall, his eyes lit up. “I think I almost forgot just how many competitions I won.”
“You were the boss, Daddy,” Ansel said with pride.
Daddy smiled. “I sure was, wasn’t I?” He sat just staring at all the buckles. Then his eyes raked over the pictures. “Can I have that one of Maggie?”
“Sure. One sec.” I reached up and took down the picture of my mother barrel racing.
After I sat it in his lap, Daddy ran his fingers over the glass. “She sure was something. All piss and vinegar.” He glanced up at me. “Just like you.”
I laughed. “I’m glad to have inherited her sassiness.”
“Oh, she was a sassy one all right. She knew just how to put me in my place and make me toe the line.”
With a wink, I said, “Maybe you had a bit of submissiveness in you.”
Daddy grinned. “Maybe I did.”
Ansel snorted with disgust. “Would you two please stop? The last thing I want to hear about is my dad’s sex life.”
“One day a long time ago, I was real rounder. But Maggie chased me down and roped me just like one of her steers,” he mused.
“She wasn’t the only one chasing you down. My mom did a pretty good job, too,” Ansel countered.
“That’s true. She did. I didn’t have a long time with either of my wives, but they both gave me something wonderful before they left.”
Ansel groaned. “Great. Now you’re getting all mushy. Can we go on out to the pasture before I totally have my man card revoked with all this Lifetime bullshit?”
I knew that the emotions were getting to Ansel, and he was dealing with them in the only way he knew how to. By being a little douchebag. “Fine, fine. Let’s go.”
When I started to take the picture, Daddy shook his head. “I’d like to put this one in my room.”
“Okay. But are you sure you want to keep it on your lap?” I asked.
“I’m positive.”
Since he wasn’t a man to be argued with, I motioned for Ansel to take Daddy on outside. We rolled along over to the main fence. The first horse we came across was one of the older mares—a black American Quarter horse named Belle.
Ansel got Daddy as close to the fence as he could. Always a friendly horse, Belle stuck her head through the slats to nuzzle Daddy’s legs. He brushed his hands across her muzzle. “Hey girl. How you been?” he asked.
As if she knew what he was saying, Belle whinnied a response. After petting her as best he could with his gnarled hands, Daddy looked up at me. “Why don’t you ride Belle around the ring?”
“Really?”
He smiled. “Just because she’s old, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a good ride or two left in her.”
I returned his smile. “You’re right.” I looked into the fence at Belle. “Looks like you and I are going to take us a little ride.” I walked down to the fence opening. Belle must’ve anticipated me because she was there to meet me when I stepped into the fence. She was had been the last gift my father had ever given my mother. She had been killed two weeks after he’d surprised her with the pony. She was special because of that, and then she was the first horse I learned to ride on.
“Come here, old girl,” I said, as I eased her out of the paddock. Considering her age, I wouldn’t bother her with a saddle or bridle. I could trust her to let me ride her bareback.
&nb
sp; Grabbing her mane, I hoisted myself up and onto her back. Once I was seated, I kept one hand wrapped in her mane while the other I placed on her neck. Gently, I squeezed my legs against her flank. “Let’s go.”
Belle began to slowly trot along the fence line. As I rode her, I couldn’t help thinking of the last time I’d been on horseback. It had been when William needed a riding lesson. If I closed my eyes, I could still feel the warmth and firmness of his body pressed against mine. The way his arms felt as they wrapped around me to hold the reins. I didn’t want to admit it to Daddy or to myself, but I missed William. More than anything, I loved him, and that caused a constant ache to reside in my chest.
When I opened my eyes, I looked at Daddy, and my chest was filled with another ache caused by love. I knew he wasn’t just seeing me riding Belle, but he was thinking of my mother. After all the years, he still loved her with every fiber of his being. Even though William and I weren’t separated by death, I couldn’t help wondering if I would love him for the rest of my life.
As I made another loop, I slowed down when I got closer to Daddy and Ansel. “You’re looking great, honey, but I’m getting a little tired. I think I need to get in,” Daddy said.
“Okay. That’s fine.” When I started to get off, Daddy shook his head. “You go on and ride her for a little bit. Ansel can get me back to the house.”
“Are you sure?” After Daddy and Ansel both nodded, I said, “Okay. I’m going to take her to the end of the pasture and back.”
Daddy smiled. “That’s sounds good. I can’t thank you enough for today, sweetheart. It sure was wonderful to get out again.”
“It was my pleasure. Well, Ansel’s and my pleasure.”
“See you back at the house,” Ansel said.
“Bye. Love you!” I called, as I squeezed Belle’s sides, urging her forward. Considering how gorgeous the day was, it was made for riding. I took Belle along three miles of our property before turning back and heading for home.
Once I got to the fence gate closest to the barn, I eased off of Belle. As I patted her flank, I said, “Thanks for the ride, sweet lady. I’ll bring some carrots out for you in a bit.”
She once again appeared to know what I was talking about because she whinnied in approval. I laughed as I opened and closed the gate. When I got to the house, I found Ansel in the den watching television. “Is Daddy asleep?”
“I don’t think so. He was watching TV when I left him after we got in.”
“I should go in and check on him.”
“What about dinner?”
“What about it?”
Ansel rolled his eyes. “What are you going to cook?”
“Who said anything about me cooking?”
“Okay, fine. Pizza or Chinese?”
“Hmm, I’m thinking Chinese. Of course, you have to be the one that goes and picks it up.”
“Fine. I’ll risk going into town and having people point at me because I’m the brother of the freaky whip chick.”
I groaned. “Do people seriously say that?”
“Just once,” Ansel replied.
I hoped that it was only once, and he wasn’t trying to spare my feelings. “Whatever. I’ll go see what Daddy wants.” I made a pit-stop in the laundry room, picking up a basket of Daddy’s clothes before I headed down the hall and into Daddy’s bedroom. “Hey Daddy, Ansel and I were thinking about Chinese for supper. What do you think?” I went over to the chest of drawers and started putting away some clothes.
Glancing over my shoulder, I saw where Daddy’s head drooped to the side and was tucked to his chest. He must’ve gone to sleep watching his movie. I knew he had to be worn out from his excursion outside, and I hated to wake him. I patted his leg. “Daddy, I know you want to sleep, but you need to eat. So tell me what you want from the Chinese place?”
After he still didn’t respond, I shook his leg. “Daddy?” I questioned.
When he still didn’t respond, a rising panic choked me, and I fought to breathe. I raced around to the other side of the bed. Taking him by the shoulders, I shook him slightly. “Daddy, wake up!”
I pressed my ear against his chest, listening for a heartbeat. When I didn’t hear anything, I grabbed his wrist and felt for a pulse.
“No, no, No!” I cried. I once again grabbed his shoulders. “Daddy, please wake up.”
I’d known this day was coming. The signs to watch for had been spelled out to us by doctors and nurses. But until that very moment, I didn’t truly believe it would happen.
An anguished scream tore from my lips. I buried my face in my father’s chest and began to sob.
Ansel appeared in the doorway. “Sophie, what’s wrong?”
I couldn’t answer him. All I could do was rock and forth with my father’s frail body in my arms.
“Oh God. Oh no,” Ansel murmured. I heard him fumbling for the phone. “Yes, I need an ambulance to 225 Briarwood Lane. It’s my father. He’s unresponsive.”
I lifted my head and met Ansel’s panicked gaze. “We don’t need an ambulance. He’s gone.”
“He just needs oxygen or shocked back.”
“No, baby. He’s gone.”
Ansel’s face contorted in agony. The phone slipped from his fingers and clattered to the floor. I could hear the operator’s voice in the distance asking what was wrong. Tears filled Ansel’s eyes as his chest began to heave. He started over to the bed, taking slow, cautious steps like he had when he was a baby and first learning to walk.
When he finally reached the bed, he sank down beside me. I pulled him to me, wrapping my free arm around him. His broad shoulders caved in and he began to cry. We stayed like that, weeping uncontrollably until the paramedics burst through the door.
A gentle rained streamed against the truck’s windshield as Ansel and I made our way into town. A storm front had moved in overnight. Since I couldn’t sleep, I’d heard the thunder rumbling in the distance before the rain began tip-tapping on the tin roof.
Today the cornflower blue skies that had been so vibrant yesterday were now streaked with gray. It made sense that the world literally should be colorless since that’s how my life felt now that Daddy was gone. I was grateful he had gotten one last good day. Although I had initially feared that going outside had been lead to his death, the coroner and family friend, Jed Sims, put me at ease.
Ansel and I had left the room to let him examine Daddy. After Jed cleared the funeral home to take Daddy, he pulled us both into the kitchen. I knew he wanted to talk to us, but I also knew he wanted to save us from the image of Daddy wheeled out on a stretcher, covered in a body bag.
As I stared into Jed’s blue eyes, I used to think how Daddy would say, “Why he’s as round as he is tall!” In that moment, I tried not to smile. Jed pointed a stubby finger at both Ansel and me. “I don’t want either of you harboring any guilt, or beating yourselves up with the ‘what-if’s. It wouldn’t have mattered if Michael had been in a hospital or a nursing home. No one could have saved him from what the disease had done. The best case scenario would have been for him to live out the rest of his days in the hospital on a ventilator. Knowing Michael like I did, he would have hated that. You two gave him comfort and ease in his last hours.”
I shook my head. “But we went outside—
“Sophie, honey, a little fresh air didn’t kill him. While it looks like a failure of both the cardiovascular and pulmonary systems, there is no way he was doing any exertion that could have caused his heart to stop beating.”
Jed leaned forward to simulantously pat Ansel’s and my cheeks. “You two gave were the sunshine that saw him through his darkest days. You cared tirelessly and selflessly for him. So few fathers can say that of their children. He used to say that winning all those roping competitions was amazing, but nothing like the amazement he felt when he looked at the two of you.”
Tears overflowed my eyes at the sweet sentiment. “Thank you.”
“No, it’s me who should be doing the thanking.
Michael was my friend since childhood. I’m so grateful that he had such wonderful kids to take care of him.”
Sniffling, I swiped my cheeks with the backs of my hands. “In case you missed it, my halo is a little tarnished.”
“Bullshit. Anyone who knows you and your dad doesn’t think that one bit. They know that you went above and beyond because of your love.” He glanced between me and Ansel. “Now promise me the two of you aren’t going to blame yourselves.”
“We’ll try,” I replied as Ansel bobbed his head.
The shrieking of the wipers against the windshield brought me back into the present. One of Ansel’s hands momentarily left the steering wheel to flip on the radio. It was as silent as a tomb in the cab since neither one of us felt like talking. It had been the same last night. Around midnight, the door to my room had unceremoniously opened, and Ansel had come in. When he approached the bed, I threw back the covers, and he slipped inside. He’d done the same thing when he was a little boy, and he was scared of the dark or monsters under his bed. I’d cuddled him to me and told him everything was going to be all right.
Last night, I didn’t even try to comfort him. He stayed on his side of the bed, and I stayed on mine. I didn’t bother with any hollow sentiments. There were no words I could say that make things better for him, and there was no way things were going to be all right. Even though his mother was out there somewhere, he might as well have been an orphan like I was. All we had was each other.
Ansel pulled into the empty parking lot of Granger Funeral Home. It had been where Daddy wanted to be taken. It was my mother had been and Grand-Maman and Grand-papan. After Ansel turned off the ignition, we remained sitting there, staring out the windshield.
He banged his hands against the steering wheel. “Fucking hell, I don’t want to do this,” he muttered.
I snorted contemptuously. “Who in their right mind would?”
“That’s just it. I’m in my right mind. I need some major alcohol to fuck me up,” he replied.
“I guess as your guardian, this is the moment when I’m supposed to tell you that you shouldn’t be thinking about getting drunk since you’re underage, right? Not to mention that drowning your sorrows is pretty useless in the end.”
