(A “Rocky“ type fanfare. Lester enters)
Lester: (Like a sporting MC) Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s the match of the millenium! It’s the night the knights come out to play.
It’s the Bigg City Classic sponsored by Crazy Gertrude’s Used Pigs.
-The Porkers you Love to come home to! One of these lucky knights will not only win the title of Champion of Bigg City but also be awarded the privilege of getting mashed up bad by a huge fire-breathing dragon. So without any further ado…..Lllllllets Gettt Reeeadddy to Rrrrrrrrrrrumble!!!!!!
(Massive cheers as the lights go up on the crowd, who now resemble a crowd at sporting event, with scarves and banners bearing big letter Bs. Harold is interviewing two Knights.)
Harold: Thank you, Lester, here at the ringside, I’ve got two of our competitors, Sir Barry of Chell and Sir Giles of The Westlands. Gentlemen, how do you fancy your chances today? Sir Giles?
Giles: (Rather posh) Well I’ve been in training for months and I think I can honestly say I’m at the peak of my fitness. Just itching to get out there and have a whack at that bally old dragon.
Harold: Sir Barry?
Barry: (Not so posh ) Yeah, well, I ant been trainin’ that much cos training’s for big Jessies like him. I just been bangin’ me head against a rock for three weeks. Toughen me head up, like.(To Giles) But I’m ready for ya, petal…anytime ya want!
Giles: Why, you ghastly little oik, I’ve got a good mind to give you a jolly good thrashing….
(They square up to each other - Harold parts them)
Harold: Gentlemen, gentlemen, Save it for the dragon…..But of course, the big story here at Ringside is that the hot favourite for this event, Sir Brad of Pitt has not yet arrived. Sir Brad, nephew of our own beloved Baroness Bertha is, of course, a legend on the tournament Circuit, being voted the Knight of the year for six years running….. (an excited murmur runs through the crowd)…..Wait a minute, there’s a little bit of excitement here at ringside….is it….could it be…..yes! Ladies and Gentlemen our favourite has arrived. I give you…….Sir Brad of Pitt!
(A brass band march strikes up and a troop of hyper energetic, brightly smiling cheerleaders - the Bradettes- enters complete with pompoms. They do their routine)
B- R - A- D
He’s The Guy for You and Me!
P-I-T-T
He’ll go down in History
He’s Funky!
He’s Spunky!
He’s Altogether Hunky!
He’s Rough!
He’s Tough!
He’s more than Man Enough!
Serpents, monsters, Dragons too!
Brad will finish all of you!
He won’t need to stop and think
When he gets through -you’ll be extinct!
B-R-A-D
B-R-A-D
B-R-A-D
B-R-A-D
Brad!!!
(They finish with pompoms in a cluster out of which to screams from the ladies, Sir Brad of Pitt steps. He is tall,confident and handsome)
Brad: (Every inch a star meeting his adoring fans) Hi Bigg
City!You’ve seen the rest, now meet the best (A dazzling toothpaste commercial smile).
Harold: (Over to him) Sir Brad, it’s an honour to speak to you, Sir.
Brad: It sure is.
Harold: How do you think you’re going to do in this event?
Brad: Well, I think the competition against me have a very good chance.
Harold: They do?
Brad: Yeah……two chances in fact…….Fat Chance and No chance!!!
(Nora sidles over with an autograph book and pencil)
Brad: (Taking the book and signing it. He looks into her eyes) Hi, Gorgeous.
(Nora faints. Brad and Harold step over her)
Harold: So, Sir Brad, do you have any message for the dragons out there?
Brad: I sure do (He takes out his sword- and turns into Dirty Harry) This here is a Dragonslayer .45, the most powerful broadsword ever manufactured. You see, little scaly punks, what you got to ask yourself is, do you feel lucky? Well do ya feel lucky….punk?
Harold: It looks like it’s going to be a humdinger of a tournament here in Bigg City tonight. This is Harold the Herald with Sir Brad of Pitt live from ringside!
(The Crowd suddenly reverses itself. We are now looking at their backs but the tournament is continuing behind them. We hear the occasional “ooh” and “aaah” from the crowd as the first match gets under way)
(Enter George, Winifred and Spud)
George: I can’t believe this is happening! Those idiots fell for everything they were told!
Winifred: And now instead of a fake dragon problem. We’re going to get a fire breathing, city-burning, peasant toasting, very very real dragon problem.
George: Just so that greedy old bat Bertha can her hands on some more of their money
(A big “ooooh” from the Crowd in response to the action in the match. Spud is jumping up and down trying to see over the heads of the crowd)
George: Isn’t there anything we could do?
Winifred: We could try and get Dave as far away from Bigg City as possible - If he hasn’t already gone into stage one. Get him up into the mountains. He’d be safe there.
(A big “woooooo!” from the crowd)
George: Spud, what’s happening?
(Spud draws a finger across her throat)
Winifred: I think someone just lost on penalties.
(Sir Giles is carried across the stage by Lester and Harold - he’s just lost his fight with Brad)
Giles: (Barely conscious) Oooooh…Nanny, I think I need some ointment on my knee - it’s come off…….
(Sir Barry Enters in time to see Giles being carried off)
Harold : (To Barry as he exits with Giles) You’re on next, Sir Barry. Try and spin it out a bit, Sir Brad clobbered this one senseless in eighteen seconds! (Exits)
(Barry is looking nervous)
George: You all right, mate?
Barry: (Getting decidedly cold feet) Er yeah……yeah…..Do me a favour?
George: Sure.
Barry: (Passing her the sword) Just hold that for a sec, will ya,
I’ve got to do up me shoelaces.
George: You haven’t got any shoelaces.
Barry: (Taking off his helmet and looking down) Oh…right …..tell you what…….just look after this for me as well (he plonks his helmet on George’s head) Right…..see ya! (He scampers off)
George: (Holding the sword and wearing the helmet) What’s up with him ?
(Harold enters, sees George with his back to him - mistakes him for Barry)
Harold : (Taking George by the arm and leading him off stage) come on, Barry, Lad, let’s give ‘em what they came for, a bit of blood and guts……
George: (Protesting as she is led off stage) Hang on…. I’m not..
Harold: Save it for the match…..
(They go off stage. Winifred and Spud look frantically at each other, then dodge through the Crowd’s legs)
(The crowd now reverses so that we can see the match. Brad, having just won, is basking in the adoration of his fans who, led by the cheerleaders are chanting Brad- Brad-Brad. Bertha and Squidley are sat on rostra )
(Winfred and spud appear through the legs of the crowd. Harold drags an unwilling George into the ring)
Lester: (As MC) And now, tournament fans, we come to our ultimate match for the title Champion of Bigg City. In the Red corner, the undisputed champion, the favourite of fans everywhere…Sir Brad of Pitt!!
(Huge cheers for Brad)
And in the Blue corner - the Challenger - Sir Barry of Chell
(A little scattered applause)
Brad: (Coming forward) I’d just like say that I’m going to dedicate this contest and my inevitable victory to all my loyal Bigg
City fans and, in particular, to one special lady - my beloved Auntie Bertha. Hey, auntie. This one’s for you!
(Bert
ha blows him a kiss)
Lester: Gentlemen to your corners. Let battle commence!
(George is having trouble keeping the sword, which is very heavy, upright. He takes a few faltering steps and the sword collapses to the ground. He tries again. No better. Brad is watching incredulously. He looks at the crowd and mimes a yawn)
Winifred: (from the crowd) George! Get out of there! He’ll kill you!
George: (sarcastic) Oh really? You think?
(Brad walks over to George and makes a broad sweep with his sword - George ducks. Brad makes another one from the opposite direction - George ducks and dropping the sword, crawls on all fours behind Brad. Brad swivels round and raises up his sword. George darts between his legs. The sword crashes onto the ground, missing George)
(Brad is now getting frustrated. He swivels again and heads towards George, who is hunched up on the floor. He raises his sword again, only to have George tickle him under the armpit. Brad giggles involuntarily and drops his sword. George scurries away again to the opposite side of the ring.)
Brad: Okay, jerk. You wanna play games?
(Harold passes Brad a large armoured spiked ball on a chain)
Brad: (Smiling wickedly) Let’s play some more…
(Brad advances on George, swinging the ball, they manouevre round in a circle. Brad swings the ball at George, it misses and hits Harold instead. He crashes to the ground. Brad forces George round and round, until he finally has George cornered.)
Brad: (swinging the ball) Night, Night, punk!
(Spud quickly breaks out from the crowd and crouches behind Brad. George takes the hint and pushes Brad, who
goes sprawling over Spud)
(The guards and Plank try to catch Spud, but she is too quick and darts out through the crowd. George goes over to her Sword. Brad picks up the armoured ball and starts swinging again, moving over to George)
Harold: (Groggily regaining consciousness) There are people on the pitch….they think it’s all over…
(Brad swings again, misses and wallops Harold)
Harold: (Sinking to his knees) It is now……..(He collapses)
(George holds up her sword, Brad’s chain wraps round it. They are now tangled together and have an undignified push and pull before George drops her sword and rushes over to where Brad dropped his sword. She tries to pick it up - it’s even heavier than the first one. Brad sees this and smiles, he pulls off his gauntlets)
Brad: (Advancing on George - ready to throttle her) This…ends…now!
(Just as Brad is on top of her George finally manages to pull the sword up to waist height - her elbow connects with Brad’s groin. He doubles over and freezes. His face a mixture of surprise and excruciating pain)
George: Er….sorry!
Bertha: (From her seat…) Somebody! Do something!
Lester bounces into the ring and holds up George’s hand.
Lester: And we have a winner! Let’s hear it for Sir Barry of Chell!
(The crowd goes wild with delight)
George: Wait a minute (The crowd is quiet . She takes off her helmet)…the name’s George.
Bertha: It’s her! The urchin! The one who …assaulted me! Get her you fools…
(The guards and Plank advance on George)
Brenda (from the crowd): Hang on! She won it fair and square!
Nora: Yeah….she’s the champion!
Glenys: She’s the one who’ll save us from the dragons!
George: You don’t understand ! There aren’t any dragons! Well
there’s one - but he’s only three feet long and he wouldn’t hurt..
Vera: (ignoring her) We want George!
(The chant is taken up by the whole of the crowd - We Want George! We want George! The crowd comes forward, George is picked up onto their shoulders, still protesting…)
George: I’m not a champion! I don’t want to do this! Put me down!
(Bertha holds up her hand for silence)
Bertha: (coming down from her seat) Very well, my people. You have spoken. George, you are our champion, you shall defeat the dragons for us. Have you anything to say?
George: (Sadly) What’s the point? You wouldn’t listen, anyway.
Bertha: Correct. And now you must prepare for your mighty task.
You have many dangers to face and many perils to overcome. (Smiling) and who can tell whether you will live to tell the tale?
(slowly, the lighting begins to change, becoming red, ominous and fearful)
The dragons are out there, waiting and watching. If we show weakness they will be upon us they will destroy us and turn this land to smoking cinders. You, George, you are our last hope. You must not fail. You may not fail. You are our champion, George. You are - our hero!
(As the lights on the crowd go down, a shadow, an outline appears, projected onto the castle walls. It is Dave‘s head. But it is a bigger version and it is accompanied by a terrible deep animal noise. A spot remains fixed on George’s terrified face as the noise gets louder. Blackout)
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO:
(A dark and particularily gloomy part of the forest)
Le Moo and a Red Toadstool are sat on the ground. LeMoo’s (George’s) staff is lying on the ground . They are dividing up the contents of George’s money bag.
Le Moo (counting out coins): That’s one for me, one for you….er wait a moment, what’s that over there?
Red T: (looking round) What? Where?
(Le Moo quickly gives himself another two coins)
Le Moo: It was probably nothing…..where were we?
Red T: Er…one for me.
Le Moo: Of course…one for me and one for you…are you sure there’s nothing out there?
Red T: (Turning round to point) I just looked, there’s nothing….
(Le Moo counts himself another two coins. Red T turns back to see her own rather pathetic little pile of coins and Le Moo‘s much bigger one)
Le Moo: Sorry…..I got distracted. Where were we again?
Red T: (suspiciously) One for me…..no, wait….I mean one for you!
Le Moo: Okay…one for me, then. And one for you…
(There is a distant dragon like roar. They both look up)
Red T: How did you do that?
Le Moo: I didn’t!
Red T: Then what did?
George....the Hero Page 4
