by Hart, Rebel
“And an abusive father seemed like the best route to take?”
Tears filled her eyes. “At least you would’ve been clothed. Fed. Had a roof over your head. I didn't have those things, after the divorce.”
“You got a very nice settlement from Dad. He’s still paying you alimony. What happened?”
She shook her head. “Can we try to focus on the good things? Please?”
“I want to know why you left me behind.”
There was a long pause before a tear leaked down her cheek.
“Because I was selfish. Because I was thinking of only myself, in the moment. Between my depression and the medication I got hooked on, I fell into a dark hole. And I didn’t want to take anyone with me. Pushing you away was the only rational fix I could come to in my pill-induced stupor, so you wouldn't fall into that hole with me. Just like divorcing me was your father’s way of getting himself out of that hole. Because for a while, he was in it with me.”
I chewed my lower lip. “I guess, in some ways, I already knew that.”
“Because you’re a smart boy, Clint. Even though you don’t apply yourself in school and even though you run around with those hoodlums, you’re a good kid. A smart kid. A fighter, with a strong spirit. Your father almost succeeded in dampening my strong spirit. Don’t let him do that to you, okay?”
I paused. “If you’re here with me, does this mean you’re dead?”
She shook her head. “No, silly boy. I’m a manifestation. There isn’t anything right now that we’re talking about that you don’t already know inside this funny little head of yours.”
She tapped her finger softly against my temple and I caught her wrist with my hand. I pulled her palm to my lips and kissed it. Over, and over, and over again. I didn’t care if it wasn’t real. I didn’t care if this wasn’t really her. It felt like her. And smelled like her. Just like I remembered.
And I didn’t want it to ever go away.
“You’re a fighter, Clint. Fight for this. Fight for your life.”
I shook my head. “I’m tired of fighting, Mom. I don’t want to do it anymore.”
“She’s waiting for you, sweetheart.”
“You’re a fighter, Clint. Fight for this. Fight for your life.”
I furrowed my brow as my mother’s voice distorted itself.
“You’re a fighter, Clint. Fight for this. Fight for your life.”
“Mom?”
Her body started floating away, and I reached out for her.
“Mom!”
“She’s waiting for you. Don’t let her down like your father let me down.”
“Mom! No!”
“You’re a fighter, Clint. Fight for this. Fight for your life.”
“You’re a fighter, Clint. Fight for this. Fight for your life.”
“You’re a fighter, Clint. Fight for this. Fight for your life.”
Then I drew in a deep, resounding breath.
“Holy shit.”
A yelp hit my ears and made me flinch. All the white had faded away. The warmth of my mother’s touch was gone. And for some reason, I was soaking fucking wet. I shivered as I gazed up at the night sky. A stark juxtaposition to my dream. Or my limbo. Or my purgatory.
Or whatever the fuck had just happened.
“Clint! Clint. Clint. Can you hear me, baby? Clint?”
I coughed. “R-Rae?”
Something warm cupped my cheek. “Holy shit. I—oh, my God. Clint! Don’t close your eyes, okay? Don’t close them again. The paramedics are coming. It’s almost over. Just—Clint!”
I felt her tap my face and a blinding pain shot through my skin. I groaned and lobbed my head over toward her, taking in her blurry form. The blackened outline gave me comfort. Much like the comfort I’d just experienced with my mother.
Or the vision of my mother.
“That hurts.”
Rae snickered. “Because your nose is broken. Keep your eyes open, okay?”
That explains a lot.
I heard footsteps off in the distance. I saw flashes of light and hears sirens above me. Rae settled against me, warming me with her presence as she gazed into my eyes. It was hard keeping my eyes open. My lungs felt like they were burning and drowning at the same time. She smiled at me. That tender, sweet, relieved smile she always had when she laid eyes on me.
And while I tried smiling back, my nose only let me go so far before I winced.
I groaned. “Yep. That’s broken.”
Rae sighed. “Your shoulder’s dislocated, too.”
“Explains the back pain.”
“Well, lying on a rocky river bank will do that, too.”
I snickered. “I suppose it will.”
She whispered. “I’m so glad you’re talking to me.”
“I know you are.”
“Because you—”
I nodded, ignoring the disorienting pain. “I know.”
“You know?”
“I saw my mother.”
“You… you did?”
I scoffed. “Yeah. Crazy, right?”
“Maybe when this is all done, you can tell me about it.”
She cupped my cheek and I fell into the warmth. I lobbed my head over, trying to seek out as much of her comfort as I could. Holy hell, she felt fantastic. I almost didn’t want the moment to end. Had it not been for the blinding pain that made me sick to my stomach, I would’ve cried out for everyone to leave us alone.
But I needed a damn hospital.
Before I died again.
“I promise you’re gonna be okay.”
Rae’s lips pressed a kiss to my ear and I moaned. I didn't even try holding it back. Over and over, she pressed kisses against me, warming me from my toes to my nose. I felt my legs come back to life. I wiggled my toes as the sounds of sliding rock and dirt sounded above us. I felt sprinkles of the earth battering against my face, the smallest specks sending ricocheting pain signals all the way to my brain.
“It’s okay. I’m right here. I’m going nowhere, okay?”
I sputtered. “How did you—? Are you okay?”
I couldn’t speak through the pain anymore. It was excruciating. How the hell did Rae get down that steep cliff? Was she hurt? Had she fallen over, too? What the fuck was happening around me?
I couldn't crane my neck enough to see. All I felt were people gathering around us as Rae’s lips left my ear.
“No, no, no. Come back.”
“I’m right here, Clint. Just right here. Take my hand.”
I felt her fingers curl around my wrist, but it wasn’t enough. I needed her lips. Her body. Her warmth. Her presence. I needed more of her. All of her. I didn’t want her to leave me like my mother had.
I drew in a shaking breath. “Please, don’t leave.”
“I swear to you, I’m going nowhere. I’m going straight to the hospital with you, all right? Just let the paramedics do what they do best.”
I heard a count off before my body was lifted. I cried out in pain as the world around me flashed. In an instant, the dark world was gone. Replaced by the white of my dreams. Or my purgatory. I saw my mother’s face smiling down at me. Clad in that beautiful white summer dress of hers.
“Don’t let her down like your father let me down.”
“Heave up!”
“Shit!”
“Clint, it’s okay. I’m meeting you at the top, all right?”
“Heave up!”
“Fucking hell.”
“Clint? Can you hear me?”
Every time someone called out ‘heave up’ my body jostled. I tilted my head off to the side, spitting up bile as the pain took over my body. I stopped fighting it. I stopped trying to make it better. And instead, I became one with it. The paramedics heaved me up from the ravine. A straight shot of absolute hell before pulling me over the edge of the bridge. I heard Rae scrambling for me. Telling me to keep my eyes open as lights flashed in them. I felt something prick the tops of my hands. I felt a mask come down over my
face. I was overwhelmed. And scared.
Until I felt Rae’s hand in mine again.
“I’m here. I’m back, baby. Okay? Can you hear me?”
I nodded my head, becoming one with the aching migraine as my eyes rolled her way. I saw her walking alongside me. Our fingers interlaced together. She was all I saw. Her dark outfit. Her dark hair. Her dark skin. Her dark eyes. Dark, like the night. Dark, like the water. Dark, like the abyss I’d fallen into. Dark, like my heart.
And somehow, I’d still fallen in love with her.
“Start a morphine drip. Get this kid some relief.”
“Do it before you set his shoulder.”
“Are you riding with us? Or him?”
Rae looked down at me before she kissed my cheek.
“See you at the hospital, okay? There’s too many paramedics in the back to ride with you. They all need to work on you.”
I nodded slowly, but I wasn’t happy with the situation. But when her lips pressed against my forehead, I hung on to that feeling. That sensation. Those butterflies in my heart.
“See you soon,” she whispered.
Then the morphine drip kicked on, causing my body to go limp as her hand slowly fell away from mine.
3
Raelynn
Michael gripped my shoulders. “Come on. We can follow the ambulance. The paramedics have to work on him while driving, otherwise it’s not going to be good.”
My chest jumped as my hand fell from Clint’s. I hated leaving him. I hated not being by his side. But Michael was right. They were all right. It was all hands on deck to save his life at this point. Especially since his heart had already stopped once. The second I told that to the paramedic, his eyes widened. They all leapt into action, like I’d just shot them to DEFCON-5 or some shit like that. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like how they reacted one damn bit.
But I let Michael guide me to his SUV so we could hop in.
“You have to breathe for me, Rae. Okay?”
I nodded. “I’m—trying. I’m—I-I-I-I—”
“It’ll do us no good to have a panic attack. Take my hand. Here.”
I slid my hand into his as we pulled off the bridge. We followed the speeding ambulance back through the woods, passing those neighborhoods and all those tire tracks. Which only served to make my panic worse. The world curled in on itself. I had to close my eyes to keep from getting sick. My chest felt as if it were caving in and my heartrate skyrocketed.
“Tell me five things you smell.”
I furrowed my brow. “What?”
“Now, Rae. Five things you smell.”
I tried sniffing the air in broken intakes of air. Trying to latch onto the world around me.
“Uh, I uh—I smell rubber. And—and oil.”
“Three more. Hit me with ‘em.”
I snickered. “I smell your cologne.”
“Good.”
“And dirt.”
“One more. You’re doing great, Rae.”
“And… and sweat.”
“Okay. Give me four things you hear.”
I trained my ears out onto the world, locking on to the sounds.
“I hear your car engine.”
Michael snickered. “All right. Good one. Three more.”
“I hear your classical music turned down. And your tires on the road.”
“One more. You can do it.”
I drew in my first steady breath as the sound hit my ears.
“I still hear the sirens behind us.”
Michael paused. “Three things you taste.”
“Taste?”
“Yep. Taste. Go. Now.”
I drew in a deep lungful of air. “I taste dirt. Saliva. And…”
Michael squeezed my hand as he waited for my final answer.
“And metal.”
“Okay, Rae. Open your eyes and tell me two things you see.”
I slowly slid my eyes open and the world didn’t tilt. It wasn’t curling in on itself or spiraling outward. It was still, and the ambulance with its silent, flashing lights was still in front of us.
“I see the ambulance, and its flashing lights.”
“Good. You need to do one more?”
I shook my head. “Nope. I think I’m grounded enough.”
“You did good back there, Rae. You need to know that. Clint’s alive because of you right now. And he’s in capable hands.”
“And to think you didn’t want me down there.”
Michael chuckled. “There’s the Rae I know and love.”
I turned my head toward him. “Love?”
He squeezed my hand again. “You know you’re one of my best friends. Sometimes I hate you for things—but I’m never going to stop being your friend.”
“Really?”
“Really, really.”
I felt tears crest my eyes before another thought hit me.
“I should call Clint’s parents.”
“Do you have their number?”
“I’ve got Clint’s home number, yes.”
Michael nodded. “Then I’d give them a call. They need to know what’s going on.”
I reached down for my purse, shocked that I still had it. I smiled a thankful smile over at Michael and he nodded his head. And for the first time, I felt like things were finally resolved between us. I dug out my phone and scrolled through my contacts, coming upon Clint’s home number. He’d given it to me in case of an emergency. But for the most part, he’d told me not to call it unless I absolutely had to.
And this was pretty much the biggest emergency on the planet.
I sighed. “Here goes nothing.”
I dialed the number and the phone rang in my ear. It rang and it rang, and I almost hung up. Maybe his father and stepmother were out on another trip. Not even in town. Which wouldn't have shocked me a bit. Then, on the last ring, the phone picked up.
“Who’s this?”
His father’s gruff voice filled the phone and my mind pulled me back. Back to that morning where he found us leaving the house to go to school. That wild, empty smile. Those mean, villainous eyes. My stomach turned over as his voice filled my ear, and I almost couldn't speak.
Until Michael cleared his throat at me.
“Hi. Yes. Mr. Clarke?”
He paused. “This is he. Who is this? Why are you calling my phone so late at night?”
“This is Raelynn Cleaver. I don’t know if you remember me, but—”
“Can you cut to the chase? I’m a bit busy with work over here.”
“Clint’s been in an accident. He’s headed for the hospital.”
The phone call fell silent before a sigh emanated over the phone.
“A crash on his bike?”
I paused. “More like someone ran him off the road and he fell over a bridge.”
Michael quirked an eyebrow at me as my voice started to flatten. It sounded like his father was more annoyed than anything. There wasn’t the slightest hint of worry in his tone.
“Well, that’s what my son gets for pissing off half the city. What hospital are they headed to?”
My jaw dropped open. How the hell could he be so calloused?
“Um, they’re headed to—”
I looked over at Michael as he mouthed the name of the hospital.
“—Dignity Health,” I finished.
“How far out was he? That’s clear across town.”
“It was a bad wreck, Mr. Clarke. His heart stopped there for a while on the bank of the river. You really should get to the hospital.”
And with a groan, his father hung up the phone.
“Son of a fucking bitch,” I hissed.
I tossed my phone to the floorboard as my body vibrated with fury. I felt Michael staring at me as we came to a stop at a stoplight. I mean, the ambulance blew through it. But we weren’t sure we could. Even if we were following it.
Then, he cleared his throat. “I take it the call didn’t go well.”
I snickered. “Whe
n I told him his son’s heart stopped, he groaned and hung up on me.”
“He what now?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I mean, I get that you don’t like Clint because he’s a dick. But his father makes him look like a saint.”
“Sounds like it.”
I leaned back against the leather seats of Michael’s SUV and gazed out the window. Maybe I shouldn’t have called his father at all. I didn't know. I wasn’t sure if I’d made the right decision. So much had already happened tonight, and my head felt like it was still spinning. Michael took my hand again, holding it until we pulled into the hospital parking lot. I saw the ambulance crew hauling Clint out as we pulled into the parking garage, and I told Michael I’d pay for the ticket.
Then I shoved myself out of his car and took off.
“Rae! Wait up!”
I heard Michael racing after me as I kept my eyes trained on that ambulance. I hopped over railings and darted through medians. Car horns honked at me as I cut them off. I’d be damned if I let them stop me, though. I saw the ambulance pulling away from the hospital E.R. doors. Michael caught up with me, heaving for air as we charged through the automatic doors.
Just as they rolled Clint down the hallway, a nurse stopped us.
“You here with the crash victim?”
I nodded breathlessly. “Clint Clarke. Yes. I need to see him. I told him I wouldn't leave his—”
“He’s being rushed into surgery. They prepped him in the ambulance. If you wait here—”
“Look, Nurse. I know. I get it. But I have to see him before that surgery. I told him he wouldn’t do this alone, and I couldn’t ride with him in the back.”
The nurse sighed. “Girlfriend?”
I looked over at Michael before I nodded.
“Yes. Clint’s my boyfriend.”
She sighed. “I can only update you on so much since you aren’t family. But what I can tell you is this: in less than two minutes, he’s going to be on an operating table. And any time we waste, there’s a higher chance he won’t make it out of surgery. He’ll understand once the surgery is over. Now, I need you to sit here and try to remain calm for us. Can you do that for me?”
I drew in a quick breath. “What do you mean, you can’t update me on much? His family doesn’t give a shit about him!”
Michael sighed. “Rae, take a breath for me.”
