God Must Have Forgotten About Me

by Jason Lee

  Floyd met Lature, and we went up to the room. He was pacing the room with his arms crossed, trying to figure how to ask the questions, so I said, “Let's just get right to all the questions you have because I know you have questions.” Floyd just started laughing

  “Okay,” he began. “So you're gay.”

  Lature said, “No.”

  Floyd blinked and looked more confused than he had ever been. “Wait a minute, but you in a relationship with him?”

  “Yes.”

  “But you're not gay.”

  “No.”

  Then we started a whole conversation about how Lature was still attracted to women, and by the end of it, Floyd was baffled. He also found it really humorous and he said, "I really like you. Let's get you some TMT clothes.” He turned to his assistant and said, “Get Jason that rainbow shirt, the rainbow TMT shirt.”

  I said, “Nigga, I don't wear rainbow. What the fuck?” I absolutely didn’t wear rainbow. “All gay people don't wear rainbows all the time!” Everybody found humor in that, but what I saw looking back was, after everything that happened that weekend, he put me on the jet, and he gave me all his phone numbers.

  His assistant was like, “He don't ever invite nobody on the jet that ain't a part of the team, and he don't give nobody these direct lines. He clearly trusts you and gets good vibes from you.”

  ***

  He flew me to Vegas and put me up. We went out later that night, and at 3:00 in the morning, a guy took a video of him. Floyd was annoyed and turned to him and said, “Don't be videotaping me. It’s 3:00 in the morning, you should be videotaping women, you faggot. You must be a fag—”

  He caught himself, and then he turned around and looked at me. I said, “I'm not a faggot, so you're not hurting me, but you sound really stupid talking like that. If one person gets a video of you talking like that, you could fuck up your legacy.”

  In that moment, he said, “I'm not ever going to use the ‘faggot’ word again, but you don't need to use the word ‘nigga’ around me, because I don't use that word either.”

  I said, “Okay, cool.”That was our pact; he has never used it since.

  ***

  One time, Floyd and I were chilling and I saw that he was looking at my watch. I had this cheap ass name brand watch on, and finally he asked, “What's that?”

  I said, “That's Michael Kors.”

  He laughed and said, “No, that ain't Michael Kors. That's some other shit. A man's watch is his Bentley in the club, so your watch should reflect the type of clientele or type of people you're around. It’s a conversation piece. It's not for decoration.”

  Then he went to his collection of watches and pulled one out. “Here man. Start the conversation with this.” It had more diamonds than I could count in one glance. I appreciated the offer, and I was so excited that he offered me such an expensive gift, but I turned it down.

  “I'm not going to accept your watch, because I want to be able to make enough money to buy you a watch.” It was really important to me that he knew that I valued our relationship and that it had nothing to do with money. I saw how generous he was. People would come up to him needing their teeth fixed, needing help buying a new car, and he would throw them the money without hesitation. I'm not going to say they were using him, because he's very smart, but he would tell me how he would wake up every day to 400 text messages with at least half of them being people asking for money. It was really important from the very beginning that he knew I wasn't there for the money.

  I threw the Michael Kors watch in the trash, and I left it at that.

  After that, Floyd never offered anything for the next couple of years. I never asked for anything, but I was following him around, studying him, and learning him. I was absorbing all of the eight- hour/six-hour conversations.

  ***

  One day, I was at the Lakers game and his daughter called me crying. I was on a date, and she told me about how she had a terrible situation at school and that the video was all over the internet. “Can you help me take it down? My mom said you work on the internet."

  I said, “Yeah, not a problem.” I called around, and I got it taken off all the sites. I left it at that.

  About three months later, I was in Miami. I was in my room at the Fontainebleau while on vacation with Floyd and The Money Team. I brought a friend along with me, and we’d been there for about two weeks. I was surrounded by money, glitz, and glamour, but I had a real moment. I turned to my friend and said, “I don't know how I'm going to pay my rent. I ain't been working.”

  I’d spent a lot of my time with Floyd and The Money Team as an unofficial intern, but the money I was making back home was only paying minimum bills. I wasn't making the type of money that I was used to making because I wanted to work with Floyd full-time.

  At some point during the vacation, Floyd called me down to the car which he had just retrieved from valet.

  I came down, and he was sitting in a Rolls-Royce with his driver, Bruce. I get in the car, and shut the door. If you've ever been in a Rolls-Royce, once you shut the door, it's air-tight. It's noise proof.

  We were sitting there, and he asked, “When that bullshit went down with my daughter, you took that off the internet?” I told him that I did.

  Then he said, “You never asked me for no money or for nothing.”

  I said, “Nah, it wasn't about that. You guys are family.”

  He had a curious look on his face. “Yeah? You know what? In my life, rarely do my friends become family. The fact that you looked out for my daughter like that, and you didn't even ask me for nothing shows that you really care about me.”

  I said, “Of course I care about you.”

  He took $20,000 out of his bag and threw it in the back seat. He declared, “You never have to worry about money again. Just focus on building your brand.” I could have broken down right then and there. How was this possible? After that, he supported everything that I did. He gave me a monthly budget to build my show and has been a big financial supporter by buying advertising space and sponsoring our show. It's the type of thing Rodney would have done if he was alive and had the money, for sure. Having that financial backing was great, but it was more important for us to have a genuine relationship. I will never be healed from losing Rodney, but I was grateful to have gained another brother that day.

  14 Career Rebranding

  I left everything to start Hollywood Unlocked from scratch with no promise of anything. I had to really focus on my business, and I felt it was time to have a real conversation with Lature about where we stood and where we were going. I was in love with him, but I didn’t think he felt the same way. He was often selfish with his emotions and I felt that he didn’t really have the capacity to love anything or anyone. As we were lying in bed one night, I asked him directly, “Are you in love with me?”

  He had simply said, “No.”

  That was the defining moment when I had decided I was going to leave. I waited until we had some time together because he and I were both traveling. We had gone to the roof of our building and we were lying on the cabana when I presented my case:

  “If you and I were in business together, and we invested everything we had into our business, but nothing we did worked and we weren't getting a return on our investment, what would we do? Would we stay in the business?”

  He said, “No, we’d end the business.” Then he looked at me. He caught on to what I was suggesting.

  He tried to stop me, but I continued. “We can't stay in the relationship because it's comfortable, or because we're solid, or because we're stable; we have to separate ourselves to form our own paths to figure out our own level of independence and what really fulfills us.”

  For me, I felt like my passion was building Hollywood Unlocked and starting my own company. Lature had a dark cloud looming over his life because he had a toxic relationship with his father. His passions took him down another path, and he was involved in a few drug transactions with his f
ather. He had his own stuff that he had to work through, and he ended up getting caught and going to prison.

  When he left, he showed me that I had the courage to pursue what I needed because I felt like what I had wasn't enough. Even though he wasn’t in love with me, our relationship taught me that I deserved to be loved. He showed me that I deserved someone trustworthy, honest, and loyal. I know that he genuinely cared about me. Although we didn’t work out, he was still one of the most genuine people I’d ever dated. There were other people I dated who only wanted to stay in the relationship because there are so many perks that come along with it. My lifestyle is very comfortable, and my circles seem impressive to other people. And once motherfuckers fly on a jet, I don't know what it does to them, but they want to do it all the time. I’ve come across countless people who want my lifestyle and I knew that they didn’t really want me. That was the difference with Lature. Our connection was genuine and mutually fulfilling even though he ultimately wasn’t the one for me.

  ***

  As I continued to build my brand and make connections with dope people, I met Mona Scott-Young. I never think that it is by happenstance that people came into my life or that we were allowed to meet. I used to give everybody my phone number, or get everybody's phone number, and add a description of who they were. I always considered each new person valuable and so I tried my best to show that in my interactions. I knew that Mona had managed some major artists and I knew that she was also working as an executive on “Love & Hip Hop.” I had gotten her number, and then when I was ready to get on the show, I just called her.

  Then I got on “Love & Hip Hop,” and I used my appearance there as a springboard. I ended my relationship, I called Mona, got on “Love & Hip Hop,” and then that was it. I was excited to be on the show and I developed some long-lasting relationships with some of the people who were also on cast.

  ***

  “Love & Hip Hop” was my introduction to the world, but my image on the show wasn’t always one that reflected positively. On one episode, I had an argument with another cast member, Hazel E, and the entire “Love & Hip Hop” fan-base witnessed me throw a drink in her face to conclude our conversation. After that incident, everyone had an opinion about who I was and why I did that. Some judged that I must have issues with women. I don’t think I have issues with women in general, but I have had issues with individual women. Not because of their gender, but more because we clashed as people. I don't see a woman and go, “Oh, she reminds me of my mom,” or, “Oh, she reminds me of my ex-girlfriend.” I just think men handle conflict differently. Where I’m from, men will either call somebody from a gang or somebody from the streets to come holler at me, call me directly, or they'll pull up. Women do a lot of behind your back, shady, social media shade—it’s more public, so people see that more. I'm not one to run from any conflict, so whether you're a woman or a man or whatever, I just feel like, shit, if you can dish it out, I can dish it out, too. I can guarantee that I hit harder.

  Most people don't really know who I am beyond the veil of Hollywood Unlocked because I’ve purposely built that barrier. There aren't any photos of my family on Instagram or on Facebook. There aren’t photos of who I'm in intimate relationships with, nor am I public about those relationships. Those people who share in that intimate space understand that. I don't broadcast my vulnerabilities or insecurities on Instagram or any of the shows I've been on. When I first joined “Love & Hip Hop,” my contract was clear: we could talk about anything but my intimate relationships. As a result, there were no scenes with me being intimate with anyone or anything that alluded to a romantic association. I was very guarded. I was still working through the walls I constructed after Rodney died. I also specified that I didn’t want to discuss my sexuality. I had never had the conversation with my family—not that they didn't know or wonder—but I had never officially told them that I was gay.

  That brings me back to the situation with Hazel E. We were going back and forth, just throwing low blows at each other. This was my first scene on “Love & Hip Hop;” there was no coaching, no guidance, or conversations about how the scenes go. None of that. We went on for a while and she told me that everybody should know that I was in a relationship with a popular male actor. It was true, but the person she was trying to bring into the conversation was not comfortable disclosing his sexuality. I thought it was grossly disrespectful of her. I don't live a gay lifestyle; I don't live a straight lifestyle. I just go where I want to go, and I do what I want to do. I’d never been harassed or bullied for being gay, so I didn’t know what that felt like. In that moment she, was not only attacking me, but she was also attempting to “out” somebody else and expose him. He had nothing to do with whatever issue she had with me. She did this knowing that this was a large platform and that this moment would be witnessed by millions of people. She was threatening to take away my choice in how I presented my sexuality not only to the world, but also to my friends and family—I still hadn’t had that conversation with them. This wasn't how I wanted them to find out about me. I felt blind-sighted. All sorts of emotions started to surface, and I was filled with untamable rage.

  That rage had been inside of me for years, but I had learned how to handle it for the most part. I know how destructive my temper can be, and I didn’t want to have another situation like the one that had occurred with Josh. I know what’s at stake if I blackout and lose it, but none of that mattered during that altercation with Hazel E. Honestly, it didn’t matter who was sitting in front of me that day. It could have been Lil' Fizz, it could have been Ray J, it could have been Omarion—it could've been anybody. If anybody else had sat on that couch and did what she did, it probably would have been worse.

  From a viewer’s perspective, it was uncalled for. It was crazy of me to have done that. I threw the drink at her, and when I realized that I had snapped, I was able to catch myself. That's when I got up and walked out because it came to me, Fuck! I gotta get out of here. Had I stayed and let that moment overtake me, I would have gone from zero to a thousand. The cast didn't really know me like that and neither did the production team. I’m sure it was a shock to them as well.

  The world saw a completely different version of the argument. I had complained about Hazel E bringing up my sexuality, and so they edited those parts of the conversation. When that episode finally aired, people only saw us having an argument and me throwing the drink. I'm not justifying what I did, but I do think that people should know the context. People who I thought were in my corner turned their backs on me. I felt betrayed and misunderstood, and to make matters worse, that incident ruined the relationship in question and he never talked to me again.

  A couple of years later, when Hazel was bashing dark-skinned women and homosexuals, the whole world hated her. Then people were celebrating me for throwing the drink, but they didn't understand that her homophobia and ignorance is why I threw the drink. I still took a lot of heat from it, and I felt like it really created a narrative about me that isn't consistent with the type of person I am. I do have a heart. I do care about people and have compassion. When people place themselves in situations to agitate or create a situation that becomes tense like that, I think we all have our responsibility to learn how to walk away or defuse the situation. I took responsibility for throwing the drink, of course, but her words were triggering. I can’t let anyone else put me back in that space. I lost control in a very public way, but I try to find the silver lining in everything. I was able to see myself the way other people saw me. I was able to evaluate my actions and be more conscious of how I presented myself to the world.

  After that, I got tens of thousands of complaints on social media. Before that day, I had never had strangers come to my Instagram or to my social media and specifically tell me what they thought about me. Ever. It was overwhelming to wake up and have 10,000 or more comments dragging me for that incident. The comments never stopped, and I was so overwhelmed that I shut down and isolated myself. I thoug
ht that my decision that day ruined everything I had worked for, and that possibility was depressing.

  I was getting death threats every day, and for the first year, I wouldn't take club bookings because I was paranoid that people were going to kill or kidnap me. People would offer me five, 10, and 15,000 dollars to come to cities to party, and I refused all that money because I felt like they were trying to set me up. Moving forward, I had to learn how to make sure I was aware of my branding and how I was filming. Then I launched my podcast. It became a space for me to control my own narrative so that those familiar with my brand had an opportunity to experience me beyond the scope of edited reality TV.

  Despite everything, I don’t regret it. Had that not been aired, I wouldn’t have become one of the most talked-about people on TV that season. I also wouldn’t have appeared in three times more episodes the next season. They almost rewarded bad behavior. A lot of the buzz around my name did come from that incident, and unfortunately, we live in a society where people like that kind of crazy shit. Even though my lack of judgment came with some perks, I was upset because, for a long time, that scene was the only perception of who I was.

  ***

  Despite navigating through a less than favorable interactions with castmates, I can say that during my tenure on “Love & Hip Hop” I gained one of the best friendships I’ve ever had. I had suffered the loss of so many important people in my life, and I really didn’t know how to make friends with people. I was fine with making associates and building relationships that were business-related, but Cardi drilled through all the walls I had put up and she holds a special place in my heart. First, I liked Cardi before she was an artist, and before she was on “Love & Hip Hop.” I appreciated how real and raw she was. It was so refreshing to experience this fiery young woman who was hood and funny, yet so vibrant and carefree. She was herself and she was hilarious. Cardi knew who I was, and I knew who she was, but we didn't know each other