by Kacey Shea
His jaw works back and forth, as if he wants to respond but something’s holding him back.
I don’t want him to feel attacked or judged, especially by me, because that’s not where my concern stems. I reach over, breaching the unspoken barrier between us to place my hand on his forearm to offer comfort. The warmth of his skin shoots a tingle down my own spine. His body is warm and strong. It’s tempting but I resist the urge to move closer. “The thing about deep pain is that it’s like a festering wound. We can cover it with a bandage and wash it out a million times, but until we treat the infection, the new skin won’t heal. We’re just patching ourselves up and repeating the same toxic patterns.”
“I’m strong.” His jaw tightens and he swallows hard. “Tough. Or I was.”
“You’re as strong as you need to be.” My fingers curl around his forearm, needing him to hear this. To believe it. “Still. You don’t have to do this alone. You shouldn’t.”
He exhales, his gaze drifting back out to the ocean. “Maybe I’ll go talk to someone.”
“I think that’s really brave.” I pat his arm and pull my hand back into my lap. I don’t want to stop touching him, which is why I can’t allow myself that pleasure. This isn’t about whatever residual desire I’ve held for this man. This is about his recovery.
He grabs another chocolate, shaking his head as he releases a scoff. “Then why do I feel so damn weak.”
“Because you know you’ll have to be vulnerable, cut open.” I shrug, understanding it all too well. “If you go to therapy you won’t be able to hide.”
“That sounds horrible.”
“Oh, it is.” I smile and have to laugh. “It’s the worst and best thing I’ve ever done.”
His lips twitch with humor. “Oh, good. Can’t wait for the torture.”
38
Chase
The next morning, I send an email to the coordinator of my county-mandated intervention program, asking for references to a local psychologist who might have openings. By noon, I have a list of people to call. Part of me feels ridiculous, that maybe I should delete the email. I don’t need to hash out my feelings to some stranger. But then I remember my conversation with Alicia and decide that’s the fear talking. It’ll be uncomfortable, but it’s a necessary evil to healing. And I’m desperate to find peace.
So before I meet Tyler for our daily kitten care, I slip outside and make a few calls, leaving messages for a half a dozen professionals. If I wait until tomorrow, I might lose my nerve. My intervention coordinator warned it could take a while, that most therapists are booked out for weeks, but I offer up a silent prayer that someone has an opening for me.
When I head back inside, Tyler’s already started feeding the rascals. “Hey, sorry.” I feel bad for being late again, though today holds a much better excuse.
“No worries. I fed Brownie already.” He hands me a bottle. “That dude’s beefing up.”
“They all are.” I take a seat on the floor next to him before pulling Paws out of the shoe box. I stroke the fur between his eyes with my finger and frown. “Well, maybe except for this guy.”
“He’s eating. I wouldn’t worry. It’s normal. They all grow at their own pace.”
Kinda like us humans. “They’re going to need a bigger space soon.”
“Yeah.” Tyler’s brows pull together with concentration. “They need to be able to move around, but body heat might still be a problem. I’ll see if I can ask my mom’s friend. She’s a vet.”
“Cool. Since Alicia—sorry.” I pause at his confused expression and rephrase. “Since Miss Martin already knows about our invalids, we should probably look for a better spot than her office to store them.”
“What if we set up an area in the teen center? Like a habitat or something, get everyone involved and make it part of the program?”
“That’s a solid idea. Let’s ask her.”
“Cool.” He grins, his shoulders straightening with confidence. “Hey, I wanted to ask you something else. It’s cool if you say no, or whatever.”
“What is it?”
“Do you think I could take the kittens home for the weekend?”
“You sure?” I study his hopeful gaze. “Didn’t think your mom was a big fan of strays?”
He shrugs. “Yeah, I mean, if I brought them home permanently she’d probably flip out. But I told her what we’ve been doing, and she said as long as I’m home all weekend she doesn’t mind.”
“Okay.” I nod. A pinch of protectiveness comes over me, not sure it’s such a good idea. Not that Tyler’s irresponsible. Hell, he’ll do just fine. But more that I’m nervous to let them out of my sight for an entire weekend. “You sure though? They’re a lot of work for one person.”
“Oh, yeah. Well, um.” Tyler’s gaze drops to the ground and his lips twitch with the hint of a smile. “I would have help. Bailey said she’d come over.”
“Ahh, I see.” I chuckle, my smile growing wide with the realization.
“Yeah.” Tyler’s cheeks tinge with pink.
I could tease him, but he’s already embarrassed enough. “She seems like a cool girl.”
“Yeah, she is.”
I raise my brows. “You gonna shoot your shot?”
“Oh.” He shakes his head. “We’re just friends.”
Nice try. “But you want to be more.” I wait, letting the silence fill the room.
He shrugs, his attention focused on the kittens. “I like spending time with her, but she wouldn’t go for a guy like me.”
“A guy like you?” My brows lift with my shock, and I shake my head. “She can’t be that cool if she’s not into someone who’d rescue a litter of stray kittens, or use his own money to buy them formula, or give up his entire summer to volunteer at a community center.”
Tyler smiles, shaking his head, but he doesn’t argue. “I guess.”
“You guess?” I narrow my gaze, waiting until he meets my stare. “You’re a good dude, Tyler.”
His smile blooms. “Thanks.”
“Just don’t go getting a fat ego, okay? Because no one likes that guy. I can’t take another Hunter.”
He rolls his eyes. “Works for him, though.” I’m certain this all has to do with Bailey.
I might not have been the dorky, awkward kid in high school, but I lacked confidence to be myself. “Be your own person. Be proud of that. Be true to yourself. That’s what girls find the most attractive.” I give him the advice I wish someone had given me.
Tyler doesn’t totally reject my words, so I take that as a good sign. He’ll probably have to hear it a thousand times before he believes it. But you never know, maybe his heart is open to the message.
The room is quiet but for the occasional kitten squeak. “What about you and Miss Martin?” He flashes me a crooked grin.
“Oh.” I laugh, shaking my head. “No. We’re just friends. She’s not into me like that.”
“But you want her to be.”
I chuckle, and pin the little shit with a sarcastic glare. “I don’t think we’re allowed to have this conversation.”
“Don’t like it when the tables are turned?” He laughs, finding humor in my discomfort and rightfully so. “You’re the only one who gets to call things like they see it around here?”
I take one of the clean towels and toss it at him.
He only laughs. “Maybe you should be yourself? I heard women dig that.”
“Oh!” My chest shakes with contained laughter. “I see how it is. Using my own words against me.”
“I’m just sayin’. It’s pretty solid advice.” He’s not wrong.
“You might be right.” I smirk back at him, a little sliver of hope cracking through my pessimistic outlook.
“Beach and chocolate?” Alicia says after we clean the kitchen together. It’s crazy how we’ve fallen into an easy comfortable flow three nights in. It makes me wonder whether we would have been fast friends if the situation were different. What if I’d dated her and not
her friend Callie almost two years ago? Would we have been a disaster? Would I have spiraled so low I’d get behind the wheel while drunk off my ass?
I could get lost in the what if’s, but they provide no relief. The only moment we have is this one and I don’t want to waste it. “I’ll get the blanket.”
“Sweet.” She pulls the bag of mini chocolates from the cupboard and a minute later we meet on the back deck. This time she leads the way.
I really try not to stare at her ass, but fail miserably. “Guess what I did today?” I say once we get to the sand.
She throws me a glance over her shoulder. “What’s that?”
“I scheduled my first therapy appointment.” I shake out the blanket and slip it over the sand.
“What? Chase!” Her jaw falls open and a smile takes over her face. “That’s awesome.” She falls onto the blanket and unceremoniously tosses me a piece of chocolate.
“It’s whatever.” I play it down, not sure how to take her praise.
“When do you go?”
“Next week. Thursday. Shit.” I didn’t even think about rearranging my shift at the center. “I hope it’s okay if I bail early that day.”
“I think your request’ll be approved.”
“Pull a few strings for me?” I wink.
“Something like that.” She reaches out a hand, resting it gently on my arm. Her smile is warmer than the setting sun. “But hey, I’m really proud of you.”
“Well, thank you.” I swallow hard, pushing aside my fearfulness. I don’t know why, but I need her to understand how much her words last night gave me the push I needed. How I wouldn’t be sober if it weren’t for the fact I ran into her at the coffee shop. “I probably wouldn’t have called to set it up if it weren’t for your encouragement.”
“I’m glad I could help.” She grins and grabs another candy.
“You’re such a good sponsor.” I recline back, my gaze drinking up the crashing waves. God, it’s amazing out here.
“Chase. I’m not your sponsor. You know that, right?”
I turn my stare back to her. She’s serious. “I like to think you are.”
“But I never agreed, and besides, I’m not qualified.” She tucks her hands into the sleeves of her hoodie before wrapping them around herself. “You should have someone with more experience.”
“I beg to differ.” I can’t imagine anyone else. “You’re the only person I trust.” The admission flies from my lips, surprising us both. “Talking to you helps.”
“I like talking to you, too.” Her lips pull with a smile, but she turns her gaze out to the ocean. “You’re like a boyfriend without the sex.”
A laugh bursts from my lips. “I am somewhat offended by that.”
“Why?” She grins. “It’s a compliment.”
“How?” I ask incredulously.
She giggles, shaking her head. “Because I am really picky about who I spend my free time with.”
“You mean, it’s not only my large bathroom you’re interested in?”
“Hey.” She pretends to be offended, then presses a finger to her lips as if she’s considering my question. “It’s a little bit the bathroom.”
We both laugh.
“Have you dated?” The question blurts from my lips, curiosity piquing my interest. “I mean, since getting sober?” It’s something I’ve given zero thought to until this moment.
“I have. Obviously, it’s going great.” She swirls her hand around the air and lets loose a laugh. “The thing is, when I was using alcohol, I didn’t much care who I slept with—only that he was hot and had the potential to make me feel good. Those were literally my standards.”
“Breathing and possessing a dick. Sounds like the bare minimum.”
“Right? But now I want so much more. I’ve gone on more first dates in the past year than I care to admit.” She winces and makes a disgusted face. “My standards grow with each date and I don’t know, maybe what I’m looking for in a partner is impossible.”
“Like what?” I turn onto my side, completely interested in what Alicia has to say on the matter. Not that I have any false hope about meeting her requirements.
“Shared interests.” She holds up one finger. “Like if he’s totally into nature that’s gonna be a no for me. I think we’ve already deduced I need running water accessible at all times.”
“Diva.”
She throws a chocolate at me from her side of the blanket. “Ass.”
I laugh, unwrapping the treat and popping it into my mouth. “What else?”
“Hmm.” She sighs, looking up at the sky. “Political views are important. I want someone who cares about this world, our community, and human rights. I need a man who’s registered to vote.”
“That’s fair.” My brow furrows, because frankly these aren’t outrageous in the least. “Those aren’t ridiculous expectations, Alicia. You deserve a lot more.”
She nods, holding up a finger as she finishes chewing. “Okay, but I have some weird requirements too.” She sits up, crossing her legs and narrowing me with a glare. “Don’t judge me.”
“Nothing you say could shock me.”
“It’s regarding his come face.”
“What?” A laugh bubbles in my chest and I can’t hold it back. “His. What?”
She joins in and soon we’re both bowled over, out of breath, smiles stretched wide. “I’m not even joking, Chase! The face a guy makes when he comes is a deal breaker. I don’t want to be subjected to a lifetime of doggie style because my partner makes a weird face when he reaches orgasm.”
“Wait.” I wipe the tears from my eyes. “You’re serious?”
“Of course I am!” Her eyes go wide. “Think about it. You’re in the moment. Getting it on, then you look up into your partner’s eyes, climax on the horizon and bam, his come face is the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever witnessed.” She waggles her pointer finger. “But you can’t laugh, and you can’t very well cover his face. So what’s the long term solution for that? Newsflash. There isn’t one.” She sighs and shakes her head.
I’m still trying not to laugh. “You’ve given this an outrageous amount of thought.”
“Hell, yeah, I have. I’m not getting riddled with a lifetime of unbearable come face. These are the things that matter.”
Wait. Does she think I have a bad come face? Shit. I mean, she’s only seen it once and we were wasted. Fuck. I never knew this was a deal breaker. I’m going to have to jack off in front of a mirror tonight.
“Sorry. I guess we both know why I’m single.” She rolls her eyes, mistaking my silence for something else. The truth of the matter is I understand why she’s not with anyone. She’s done a lot of work and she’s not willing to let someone else threaten that.
“I like that you know what you want,” I say, picking out another candy. “Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. We’re gonna be empty nesters this weekend. No kittens.”
“What?” Her smile falls. “No! They’re too little to adopt out yet.”
“Not that.” Though the idea of the little buggers being separated causes actual pain. I’m not ready to give them up. I might never be. “Tyler’s taking them for the weekend.”
“Tyler?” Her brows shoot up in surprise.
“Yeah, and he recruited Bailey to help.”
39
Alicia
“Everything makes sense now,” I say, thinking back on the day’s interactions with Tyler, Hunter, and Bailey. “I noticed something was up with Hunter this afternoon. He probably feels left out.” I shake my head and sigh. “The three of them are a freaking love triangle, right out of an angsty teenage drama.”
“Oh, come on. You love those CW shows.”
“I like them better when I’m not involved.” I rub my temples, remembering all the under-the-breath jabs those two delivered in today’s meetings. “The posturing gets worse and worse.”
“If they were animals, they’d just duke it out.”
“I a
ctually think that’s going to happen.” I frown, not wanting to break up a fight between two hormonal teens. “Hunter was poking fun at Tyler’s inexperience the other day and it was bad. I wanted to slap Hunter’s smug face, but you know, I wanted to keep my job more.”
“Tyler really likes her.”
“He’s nice. He’d be good to her.”
Chase rolls his eyes, a knowing smirk on his lips. “But she still wants the bad boy.”
“Your bet’s on Hunter?”
“Nah, he’s an ass.”
I stare, my gaze drifting down his body. “Funny, it’s how I picture you as a high schooler.”
“You’re not wrong. I was so freaking arrogant and angry. Girls were my escape.”
“Were?” The question escapes before I can reel it back.
“Yes.” He rolls his eyes. “Not that it’s any of your business, but I haven’t gotten any nookie since moving here.”
That surprises me. In fact, I’m more than a little impressed. I didn’t know he had it in him. “Really?”
“What about you?”
“We already discussed my lack of dating. Besides, all I do is work.”
“I meant, how long has it been since you got some, Miss I’m a Humanitarian now?”
“I orgasmed twice today.” At his shocked expression, I hold up two fingers and laugh, unable to hold back my smile. “Once in the shower. Another before I changed for dinner.”
His gaze drops to my clothes. “I could’ve helped.”
“I’ve got it covered, but thanks.” I roll my eyes as though it’s the most ridiculous proposition, but inside my body screams for his assistance. God, why is it suddenly so hot? I need to change the subject before I do something stupid like strip off my clothes. “Anyway, I don’t know what to do about the teenagers. I keep splitting them up, but it only delays the inevitable.”
