by Kacey Shea
I explain where my bag should be and she slips out of the room, making me promise to keep it locked until she returns.
“You’re coming back though?” I tease and steal another kiss. “You won’t leave me naked and alone?”
“Never.” She winks, smiling with a wicked grin as if she finds the idea amusing. “I’ll be as quick as I can.” Her words are light, but I find myself wishing they weren’t. The sex was good—it always is with Alicia—but it was frenzied and hurried. Temporary. I want so much more than that.
As promised, she returns a few minutes later. “I brought presents.” She hands over my bag, a thick dry blanket, and a sack of food. I get dressed while she unpacks the food. “You must be starving.”
“Yeah.” My stomach grumbles in agreement. In all the chaos, I realize I never ate dinner. “What time is it?”
She checks her phone. “It’s almost eight. I need to get back out there.”
“I understand.” As much as I’d like to hide away with her until this storm blows over, there are people outside these four walls who need her more. I wrap the blanket around my shoulders and grab my bag to follow her out. “What can I help with?”
“Chase.” Her eyes are wide and she shakes her head. “You’ve done enough. You should rest. You really should let that EMT check you out.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m fine, Alicia. I’m used to this pace.” Operating on little sleep, responding to calls, it’s part of my DNA.
“Fine.” She heaves out a sigh. We step outside her office, but before she shuts and locks up, she runs back in. “One second.”
I’m in no rush. I’m honestly content just to be here. “I’d like to check on Tyler.”
She pops back out of her office and locks it this time. We walk back toward the gym. “I think that’d be good. I’ll show you where they’re set up.”
I think about reaching for her hand. I want to, but something holds me back. We still haven’t discussed our relationship or expectations, but it’s something that can come after the storm passes. For now, I try not to worry about the future and make myself useful, sitting with Tyler and his mom and attending to their needs.
Alicia hands me the kittens just after ten so Bailey and Hunter can get some sleep. I sit near one of the radios with Charlie and Tom, listening to weather updates over the cracks of thunder from outside. Paws cuddles up on my chest, his little purrs threatening to lull me to sleep.
“Chase.” Alicia’s whisper wakes me with a jolt. She smiles. “It’s past midnight.”
I set Paws back in the carrier to join his sleeping siblings. “I’m not going to turn into a pumpkin.” I stretch my arms overhead with a yawn. Fuck, I can’t believe I nodded off.
“It’s not that.” She drops to her knees and glances around. Satisfied there’s no one but a snoring Tom nearby, she digs into her pocket and holds up a bronze coin. Her eyes sparkle in the low security lights of the hall. “This.”
I stare at the coin. “What’s this?” I know what it is. I’ve seen them before at meetings. I want to know why she’s showing it to me now.
“Your one-month sobriety.”
She remembered.
“Is this yours?”
“Yeah, but I want you to have it.” She reaches for my hand and presses the chip to my palm. “Chase, I admire your strength. You have overcome incredible obstacles, and are facing your past with a fierce determination to heal. Your bravery tonight just shows how much you care for others, and how you’re willing to risk your own life to ensure another’s safety.” She smiles and with that one look pierces the most tender parts of my soul. “I want you to use that same energy to stay sober. No matter what happens. I want you to promise you won’t quit on yourself.”
I won’t. I won’t quit on us, either. “I promise.”
67
Chase
The tropical storm passes over the next day, never quite reaching hurricane status. Lucille causes flooding and damage, but there’s nothing that can’t be replaced. The next few days pass in a blur of little sleep and tons of hard work. Power lines are down. There are roadways to clear. Debris to clean up. Homes and roofs to patch. The community center asks me to join the emergency recovery crew on a temporary basis so I continue my volunteer hours there.
It sucks to not work with Alicia but I’m happy to do what’s needed. Clean-up is backbreaking work, but I love it. I might not be on the department, but working side-by-side with firemen and police officers makes me remember a part of me I’d long lost. How rewarding it is to help others. How energizing it is to belong to a brotherhood again.
Tyler takes over temporary full-time care of the kittens. Thank God. There’s no way I’m able to care for them with the hours I’m pulling. I miss the little rug rats, but it’s more important that they’re fed and getting the attention they deserve. Besides, Tyler needs a sense of purpose. I think he needs them as much as they need him.
On Wednesday evening when we return to the fire station after another long day of work, everyone is finally given a night off to sleep and go home.
I don’t know if Alicia’s pulling another all-nighter at the center, but my body aches to hold her in my arms. Not that I’d be good for much more than that. I’ll likely pass out from sheer exhaustion as soon as my head hits the pillow. I shoot Alicia a text asking her to meet me at the beach house in a few hours, then offer up a silent plea she’ll be able to. Pocketing my phone, I tug on my backpack and glance at the long, dark road leading from the fire station parking lot. Fuck, I really don’t want to walk home. I’m tired. I’m hungry. I miss Alicia. I really need to look at getting a bike.
“Hey, Chase.” Anthony, one of the guys from the station steps outside. He nods to his truck. “A bunch of us are gonna grab dinner. You wanna come?”
“Yeah.” The refrigerator at the beach house is getting pretty desperate, but it’s the prospect of making the five-mile walk home that seals the deal. “Can I catch a ride?”
“You bet. Let’s go.”
I follow him over to his truck and climb into the passenger side, shoving my backpack at my feet. Anthony’s a cool guy, a good ten years my senior and one of the shift supervisors on the emergency clean-up crew.
“You ever been to The Blue Whale?” he asks, pulling out of the lot and down one of the main roads I helped clear a few days ago.
“No.” I shake my head. “Is it good?”
“The fish filet is to die for. That and their burgers. Though I could eat just about anything right now and it’d taste amazing.”
I chuckle. “I hear you, man.”
“It’s hard work, huh?”
“Yeah.” I think I’ve dropped ten pounds this week just by sweating. Cutting down trees. Hauling branches off the roads. All of it was better than any exercise program.
He cuts his gaze my way at the stop light. “You seem like you’re pretty used to it though?”
“Yeah.” I exhale a long breath. Since moving down here I haven’t discussed my life before Kitty Hawk with anyone other than Alicia and my therapist. Even at AA meetings, I haven’t revealed my prior profession. “I worked as a fire captain back in Richmond.”
“I knew it!” He claps and flashes me a bright smile before making the next turn.
“You did?” I’m surprised he guessed and by his enthusiasm.
“We had bets going.” He chuckles, shaking his head. “Mayfield had you pegged for an escaped con, Jones swore you worked construction, and Zeke was certain you were one of those wealthy philanthropist types.”
“Geez.” They’ve given this a lot of thought. “I don’t know if I should be offended or take those as compliments.”
“Right?” Anthony chuckles. “You know how it is at the station. We gotta keep ourselves entertained. Pete is gonna die when he hears this.”
“Why’s that?” I ask. Pete’s the captain of the department and reminds me a lot of my old man. He’s fair but tough and firefighting is his whole life.
“He’s gonna want to offer you a job.” Anthony grins, throwing the gearshift into park as we pull into a spot.
Oh. I hop out of the truck and meet him around the front. We head inside the restaurant, the aroma of fried food making my stomach groan. It’s only been a few days but it feels like forever since I had a hot meal.
Anthony clasps me on the shoulder and points across the room.
The rest of the guys are already here, pushing a few tables together in the back. There’re a few flat screens on the walls with the baseball game on. We walk over to join them, passing through the crowded room. By the bustle of this place you’d never know a tropical storm passed over a few days prior.
“Hey, Anthony.” Jones tips his chin. “Chase.”
“Pay up, you idiots.” Anthony grins, pulling out one of the empty chairs.
“What?” Mayfield throws his hands out with a scowl. “I just sat down. What’d I lose?”
“Chase here is a career firefighter,” he says, drawing stares my way as I take the last empty spot next to Zeke.
He glances at me with wide eyes. “What? No way!”
“I knew it,” Jones says.
“You did not.” Mayfield slugs him on the arm.
The back and forth comradery is familiar and I pick up my menu with a grin on my face, happy to be included in this brotherhood.
Pete leans over the table, tapping the table and catching my stare. “Does that mean you might be interested in coming on with us? We have a position opening up next month. Could use a young guy like yourself on the department.”
“Oh.” I smile, liking the idea a whole lot more than I should. I’ve never given much thought to living down here permanently. It’s a slower pace and smaller town, but hell, maybe that’d be good for me. If I can convince my father to give me a recommendation. “I will certainly think about. Thank you, sir.”
“Here you are, Pete.” A server comes to the table, her tray filled with glasses of beer. She sets them down, one at a time. When she gets to my seat I hold up a hand.
“Actually, can I get a water?”
Before she can answer, the captain interjects, “No way. This round’s on me. Believe me, you’ve earned it. We all have.”
“Thanks.” I smile, though it fades as the frothy amber liquid is set at my place. I’m not about to argue with him. Not publicly and in front of his team. Not after he practically offered me a job. I know how important synergy is to a fire station. If someone complains too much or doesn’t fit in, they don’t make it far in the department.
Pete lifts his beer, clears his throat, and waits for everyone else to pick up their drinks.
Discomfort claws at my gut, but I pick up the glass. I don’t want to be rude or stand out. It’s not as if any of these guys know I am a recovering alcoholic.
“You’ve worked your asses off this week and I’m damned proud of you,” Pete says. “Now, don’t have too much fun because you’re all due back at the station tomorrow by nine.” He smirks, bringing the drink to his lips.
There’s a chorus of grumbles but it’s all good-natured.
I stare at my glass of beer. My mouth waters, remembering how it tastes. There was a time I was like these guys. I could have just one or two. I didn’t need to get shitfaced.
“Ah, no,” Jones says, shaking his head. His gaze settles on mine. “Please don’t tell me you’re one of those guys who only drinks pansy-ass light beer?” I hate that he’s taken notice of the fact I’m not drinking it like everyone else.
I laugh, the sound forced, and shake my head. “No.” I wasn’t into the light stuff at all. Oh, if he only knew. My mind races as I hesitate, not sure what to do.
Pete stares across the table, his gaze filled with interest. He’s probably waiting for me to pick up the goddamn drink.
I’m not going to refuse the captain. I don’t want to look like a fucking weirdo. It’s not as if I’m looking to get drunk. Hell, I don’t even want the damn thing, but I’m not about to fuck up this opportunity. Picking up the beer, I lift it to my mouth.
It’s just one beer.
You can handle one beer.
You’re still in control. This won’t set you back. Not unless you let it.
It’s one fucking beer. No one has to know.
The hoppy, bitter taste hits my tongue and delivers a shot of dopamine to my brain. Fuck, that’s good. Better than I remember. I close my eyes a moment to savor the taste.
“Good, right?” Pete grins, his approval clear. “It’s a local brew. They keep it on tap here.”
“Really good.” I take another drink. My brain wars with conflicting thoughts. I should go slow. I’m not even supposed to be doing this. I’m playing with fire and there’s no gear I can wear to protect against this danger. But part of me wants to chug it while I can. Movement across the room draws my gaze away as I set the glass back down on the table.
Shit.
Alicia’s stare is furious. She saw. She had to.
Fucking shit.
One of the restaurant’s employees hands her a large bag.
Alicia smiles, but it’s polite and cold and a second later she’s out the door, food in hand. She’s leaving. Fuck. What the hell am I doing?
“Excuse me.” I slide out of the chair. “I’ll be right back,” I say absently, but I don’t even look back to make sure they heard me. She’s getting away. I can’t let her go, not like this and not assuming something that isn’t true. Damn it. What have I done?
68
Alicia
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” I mutter under my breath, my feet moving as fast as they can to get to my car. It’s been a crazy couple of days. I’m stressed to the max. Drained. It’s been hard not having Chase around—to talk to, to lean on, but when he messaged me earlier asking me to stay with him for the night, I got someone to cover my shift for a few hours so I could at least see him. I decided to pick up takeout too, knowing he was probably low on food at the house.
I thought it’d be a nice surprise.
I assumed he was sober.
God, was I stupid.
Minutes ago, I couldn’t wait to see him and now I can’t get away fast enough.
“Alicia!” Chase calls. “Alicia, wait up!”
I unlock my car and shove the takeout bag inside. I consider driving off. I am exhausted, spent, and now brutally disappointed. I can’t believe I found him drinking in there. “What?” I snap, turning to face him.
He slows his steps, his gaze holding mine. “Alicia, please. I know what you saw, but let me explain.”
“Explain?” I practically choke on the word. “Chase! What were you thinking?”
“It’s not a big deal.” His head shakes, his eyes full of worry. “It was one drink and I didn’t even want it.”
Fuck him. “That’s a lie.” My hands shake as I grip the car door, using it as a shield. Only it’s pointless because the harm he caused isn’t a battle done with fists. It’s the sickness that lives inside us both. “You’re an addict. Of course you wanted it.”
“Alicia. Stop.” He takes a step forward.
“No, I won’t.” Anger bubbles to the surface. At him. At our shared addiction. At myself, for somehow thinking we were bulletproof. “What the hell are you even doing in there? Who are those guys?”
“They’re from the fire station.” His jaw works back and forth, his discomfort clear. “They invited me out.”
“Wow.” I’m speechless for a moment. I stare at a man who I thought had changed. How could he be so reckless with his sobriety? My eyes fill with unshed tears as emotion unfurls inside. “I can’t even believe you right now.” My voice rises, growing louder with each word. “Two days ago I gave you my one-month coin. Now, what? You’re kicking back with the guys after a long shift. Did this summer mean nothing?”
“Alicia.” He glances behind him. “You’re overreacting.”
I shake my head vehemently. “No. I’m not. This is why we work the st
eps. This is why recovery isn’t easy. This is why two addicts never should be together.”
“It was just one sip, Alicia. It’s not a big deal. I’m in control.” His rationalization does nothing to settle my fears. If anything, it only confirms what I suspect. His addiction is running the show.
“You’re stupider than I thought if you truly believe that.” I blink and one tear falls.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“It’s one sip now. But what happens when you go back? When you’ve had a bad day? Responded to a tough call? It’s one sip now, but it only takes that one sip to put your life back on that trajectory. You’ll hurt yourself. You’ll hurt everyone you love.” He’s already hurt me. I can’t believe this is happening. “I refuse to be a part of that. I won’t watch you destroy yourself all over again. I can’t.” Because he won’t only destroy himself, he’ll drag me down too. I’ve worked too damn hard for that.
The tears drop from my cheeks like rain. I don’t try to hide them or wipe them away. He deserves to see every bit of what he’s done. “Good-bye, Chase.” I give him one last look. “I hope it was worth it.”
He opens his mouth to say something, but I don’t stick around. It’ll just be more excuses, more rationalizations. I slide into the car and slam the door. I was foolish to think I could save him, or that somehow we’d be stronger together and beat the odds. Most of all, I was foolish to fall in love. Our future was sealed before our first kiss, and hiding away in this small town didn’t change any of that. He wasn’t something I could have. Not then. Not now. Not ever.
69
Chase
Over the next week, Alicia and I don’t speak.
It’s not because I can’t stop thinking about her. Because I can’t. Or that I’m too busy to send a message or text. I’m not. Fuck, if only there was a way to go back to how we were. The storm caused so much damage, not just to this little town, but between us.
