by Kacey Shea
I step back, gathering his empty beer and my still full bottle from the table.
“Chase.”
I glance up. “Yeah?”
“Don’t be a stranger.”
“I won’t.” It’s a promise I’m determined to keep.
“How much longer will you be down in the Outer Banks?”
“Another two weeks, then we’ll see.” I shrug. I don’t know what my future holds. If my father lets me off suspension, and that’s a big if, it makes sense for me to move back here. But maybe I’ll try to get on with the department there. I can’t volunteer at the community center in Kitty Hawk forever. Though I’m not sure firefighting is where my whole heart is anymore. I don’t know what I want. But I need to figure it out, and stay sober if I ever expect Alicia to give me the time of day.
We say our good-byes and I carry the bottles to the kitchen where Vanessa’s prepping food.
“You staying for dinner?”
“Nah, I gotta head out.” I dump out my beer and rinse out the bottles before setting them in the sink.
“I’ll walk you out.” Vanessa wipes her hands on a dishtowel.
I nod and force a smile, but inside my gut coils with more guilt. I owe her an apology, too. Something tells me she’ll have harsher words than Maverick. But she deserves to say her piece, whatever it is, and I’ll gladly take every bit of it.
We walk out of their home and down the drive to where my brother’s truck is waiting at the curb.
“You’re not drinking anymore.” She doesn’t ask as much as say, and I realize she caught on to how I never took a sip from the beer she offered.
I dip my chin in acknowledgement, then avert my eyes, scuffing my feet along the pavement. I want to tell her I’m trying, that I’m in AA and working hard to be the best man I can, but that’d be a lie. I threw away thirty sober days, and for what? A way to bond with some strangers and in turn hurt the woman I really care about—one who has pulled me from the depths of my own self misery. It’s a sorry, shitty excuse. I’ve already done enough damage to this woman’s life. I can’t bring myself to lie on top of it all.
“Hey, look at me.” Her voice isn’t sweet or soft anymore.
I lift my chin and brace myself for whatever she has to say.
“Don’t you dare do that.” She shakes her head and points a finger at my chest. “Damn it, Chase, promise me you won’t.”
I don’t understand. “What?”
“Punish yourself. Self-destruct. Don’t you dare waste your life in some ridiculous attempt to make this fair.”
“But it’s not. I should’ve been the one. I wish I had.”
“Yeah, but life doesn’t work that way,” she says with a sad smile, her hands rubbing over her belly. “You have to live. You have to open yourself up to greatness. If you don’t? All Mav lost was for nothing.”
For the second time today, I’m overwhelmed by kindness. “Why don’t you hate me? Why doesn’t he?”
“The world needs less hate, and a whole lot more love, Chase. I never gave up on him, and I won’t with you. He needs you. He misses you.”
“I should have been here. I’m sorry.” I exhale a rough sigh. “I’m a shit friend.”
“Then be better. We both know you’re capable. You’ve always been loyal, don’t stop now. Don’t give up on yourself. Not when it counts.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner.” I scrub a hand down my jaw. “I was working some stuff out.”
“Good.” She folds her arms across her chest and stares, really taking me in. She gives a curt nod. “You look good. Better than I’ve seen you in a while.”
“He’s a lucky man to have you.”
A grin tugs at her lips. “Yeah, make sure he remembers that. I love him. I promised him forever, and that doesn’t change because his legs don’t work.”
“You need anything? Can I—?” I still don’t quite know how to make amends.
“Just get yourself healthy, and get back here.” She pats her belly. “This little boy has his daddy, but he’s gonna need all his fire station uncles too.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I dip my head and take a step back toward the truck.
“Don’t you ma’am me, Chase Matthews. We’re the same freaking age.”
A burst of laughter shakes my chest. “You’ll let me know if you need anything. However I can help. Anything at all.”
“Thank you.” She lifts her hand, waving at me and my brother as I open the truck door. “Y’all drive safe.”
73
Alicia
It’s been ten days since I got the call. The one that changed everything, including my father’s life. The stroke did more than rob my dad’s mobility and speech. It’s caused all of us to examine what’s most important. Life is so damn precious, and we all take it for granted.
To my surprise, my brothers stepped up to the challenge of caring for my mom. Yes, she’s the one who requires constant contact. She’s struggled most with my father’s prognosis. My bothers keep the company running; it’s what they were groomed for after all. And they hire the best specialists and therapists to provide our dad the care he needs. Thankfully, there’s no financial strain.
The mental challenge on all of us is enough.
I offered to stay. I would too, but Ricky and Eddie refuse to hear anything of the sort. They give me the greatest gift, the freedom I’ve so desperately wanted, and convince Mom that Dad would want me to go to London. There are no restrictions on my trust fund either, though I’m in no rush to spend it.
The days pass in a blur of business and arrangements. There’s so much to do in such a short time. I still feel selfish for leaving, unsure I’m making the right decision. Everyone assures me I am. The only time I feel resolute in my decision is when I’m lying in my bed at night, my mind racing a million miles a minute. It’s those private moments that I’m able to block out distractions. That I allow myself to dream and hope. It’s also the only time I allow myself to miss Chase.
I’ve considered calling him a thousand times. If things were different, maybe I would. But there’s no sense in restoring that relationship. I can’t have anything holding me back. I can’t risk a relapse. Besides, some conversations are better had in person.
Today’s the day I drive down to Kitty Hawk to wrap up the last of my loose strings. I still need to turn in my keys to the community center and clear out my office. I need to say my good-byes, however difficult some of them will be. Before I do, I sneak into my father’s room—an empty guest room that’s been converted for his needs. I arrive just before his day nurse arrives, excusing the night nurse early so we won’t have an audience.
“Daddy,” I say softly, pulling a chair close to his bedside. I sit and take his hand, hoping he understands I’m here.
His eyes blink, staring out toward the window, but his gaze lacks recognition.
“Daddy, I’m here. It’s me, Alicia,” I say a little louder.
He doesn’t respond or move his gaze toward my voice. He never does.
My eyes fill with tears. My chest tightens with a familiar ache. There were so many times I wished for my father to shut up and listen to me. I take them all back.
“I’m going to London. I’ll be gone for a while. Ricky and Eddie will be here to take care of everything and watch out for Mom. I’m not sure how long I’ll be away, but I need you to get better, okay? I need you to fight. Don’t give up. You’re strong, remember? Even when you don’t think you are.” I can barely see through my tears, but I don’t dare stop. I need to say this. “And I’m not mad about your other family. I don’t know why you kept my sister from me, and I wish I could’ve asked you when I had the chance. But none of that matters. Not now. I’m going to make you proud. I promise. I love you, Daddy.”
“There she is!” Laura steps into my office as I pack the rest of my personal items into a cardboard box. There isn’t much to show for my time here this summer, but the experience is one I’ll never forget.
I hand her the thank-you note and my keys. “Here are these.” I balance the box on one hip and glance around the empty space. I try not to think of Chase—of that night—but it’s impossible. “I’m sorry to leave you like this.”
“Hey, we understand,” she says. “You have to chase those big dreams.”
“Thanks. I learned so much and I am forever grateful for the opportunity.”
“Well, we are certainly going to miss you around here. The teen group especially. Oh!” She shuffles toward her office. “That reminds me.”
I walk out to the hall and wait.
“Here!” Laura bustles out of her office and hands over a gift bag. “It’s from the teens. They wanted to do something special to thank you.”
“Thanks, that’s really . . .” I swallow back the thickness in my throat.
“Yep, they’re good kids.” She beams. The phone in her office rings. “I’ve got to grab that. Good luck with everything. Come back and visit anytime.”
We say our good-byes and I head down the hall. The letter stuffed in my back pocket reminds me I still have one more thing to do. Part of me wants to rush back to Richmond, avoid this next dilemma, and pretend it doesn’t exist. But that wouldn’t be fair to Chase. It wouldn’t be good for my sobriety. We made a promise to each other from the beginning. He deserves my truth, even if it hurts.
“Alicia?” Charlie says from the end of the hall.
I head over, pasting a smile on my face. “Charlie, hey.”
“You’re back?”
“I’m actually here to say good-bye.”
“Oh, no. Why?” Charlie’s face falls, as if they might actually be saddened by the news. I wasn’t sure I made any real impact this summer. Not with the teens or with my co-workers. As hard as this is, I’m happy I made enough of a difference to be missed.
“I got accepted into grad school.” My stomach rolls with the implication. “It’s for a special program and a spot opened last minute. Starts in two weeks.”
“Wow, that sucks for us but sounds like a great opportunity.”
“Yeah, it’s pretty surreal. I keep thinking they made a mistake.”
“Well, we’re gonna miss you.” Charlie’s arms open for an embrace.
“Thanks.” I wrap my arms around Charlie, emotion threatening to squeeze tears from my eyes. “I’m going to miss you, too.”
“But not the shared bathroom.” Charlie steps back and winks. We both laugh. “You were the best roommate I ever had.”
“I was hardly ever home.”
“Exactly.” Charlie chuckles.
Speaking of . . . “Do you know where Chase is?”
“Chase?” Charlies eyebrows shoot up. “He hasn’t been here all week.”
“He hasn’t?”
“Yeah, sorry. I kinda thought he was with you. I always assumed the two of you were together.”
We were. God, I hope he didn’t relapse. Fuck. I should have known better. The storm was stressful on all of us. I knew he was struggling. I wouldn’t have caught him drinking beer in that restaurant if he wasn’t. Dread fills my gut, twisting with each passing second. Hell. What if I sent him over the edge?
“You okay?” Charlie reaches out and touches my shoulder. “You look like you’re about to be sick.”
“Sorry. I’m fine.” A lie. I lift my hand in a wave and step back. “You take care.” I can’t bring it in myself to say good-bye. Not aloud. I walk out of the center and straight for my car, pulling the envelope marked for Chase from my back pocket.
All the indecision I felt before solidifies. When I wrote this letter, I wasn’t even sure I’d have the guts to give it to him. To do what’s right. But, fuck, now it’s crystal clear. In my car, I turn toward the beach house. If he’s not home, I’ll leave it. If he’s there, I’ll have to be strong.
With each passing mile my heart squeezes, my chest aches. God, I don’t know if I can do this. I’m scared of what I might find.
I pull into the driveway and take a few long breaths. With each inhalation I remind myself that I can do hard things. Through each exhale I stack up the armor around my heart. I can’t allow myself to be swayed from this decision. I have to do this, even if a part of me wishes I didn’t.
Walking up the steps, I can’t decide what I hope to find. Maybe he’s not here? It would be easier. But my entire being rejects that because I can’t imagine leaving for school without one last look at him.
My eyes sting as I lift my hand to rap against the familiar door.
I hold my breath, waiting, each passing second like an eternity.
Maybe this is a bad idea. What if he’s hung over? What if he’s passed out? What if he’s hurt? I can’t just leave.
Damn it, Chase. Open the fucking door. I beat my knuckles against the wooden surface, harder this time, panic filling my chest.
Relief floods me when the door opens, but it disappears all too fast. The man answering the door isn’t Chase.
“Hello.” The man smiles as he takes in my appearance. “Can I help you?”
“Hi, um.” I swallow hard against the lump of nerves in my throat. “I’m sorry. Is Chase here?”
He chuckles as if I said something funny. “He’s not.”
“Oh.” The hope in my chest falls.
“He should be back in the next day or so. If you want to leave a message for him, I can pass it on.”
I want to ask where Chase is. Demand that this man, most likely Chase’s uncle, tell me where his nephew’s been and how he’s doing. But I can’t do any of that. Besides, it would only delay the inevitable. “That would be great.” I force a smile, even though I feel like crying. I hand over the letter. The one that holds all my deepest, darkest fears. The one that Chase needs, even though it’s the last thing he wants. The words that’ll break his heart.
The drive back to Richmond feels longer than it ever has. My stomach twists with the finality of what I’ve done. I know it was the right decision. I couldn’t leave for Oxford without setting him free. It’s not fair to either of us to string this along. Besides, we were never going to be more than a summer fling. Not after the hurt he caused my friends. Not with him drinking. Not with me living thousands of miles away, an ocean separating us for the next two years.
He needs the freedom to create a new sober life. I need the same. If we stay together, one of us would eventually relapse and drag the other down. The risk is too great, it’s a cold, hard fact. Still. It doesn’t hurt any less.
Somewhere along the way, I was the one to break my own rules. I fell for Chase. I loved him, and maybe I always will. But this opportunity? I worked too damn hard to pass it up. And he needs to find himself, to figure out what he wants. To deal with the past and move forward. He is strong enough to do it on his own. As much as I want this for him, I can’t be the one to make it happen. He has to do the hard work.
Along the stretch of endless highway, I talk myself in circles until I’m sick. Because no matter how I rationalize it, the truth remains. I am walking away from Chase.
The only man I’ve ever loved. A beautiful, broken man who understands me in ways no one else ever will. I am giving him up and I hate myself for it. I’m not sure I’ll ever stop.
Chase and Alicia’s story continues in Caught in Us available for pre-order now!
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Haven’t ready Callie or Jill’s stories yet? Caught in the Flames and Caught in the Lies are available now in ebook, audio, and print!
Also by Kacey Shea
Standalones
One Good Thing
The Perfect Comeback
Dirty Dealer
Firefighters
Caught in the Flames
One Hot Night
Caught in the Lies
Caught in the Chase
Caught in Us
Rock Stars
Detour
Derail
Hinde
r
Replay
Uncovering Love Series
Uncovering Love
Uncovering Desire
Uncovering Hope
Uncovering Forever
Acknowledgments
Oh boy! It’s always a daunting task to sit down and write these. So many people play a crucial role during my writing and publishing process and I don’t want to forget anyone.
I first dreamed up this story four years ago. I started writing, then put it down. Then picked it up, and put it on the back burner. I was terrified, quite frankly, because these characters were complex in ways I’d never written characters to be. I didn’t want to let them down, or my readers. It’s not an easy task to take a hated anti-hero and grant him redemption.
I also lost one of my dear beta readers to cancer last year. She was my biggest cheerleader, always encouraging and inspiring me to do better. She and I discussed Chase and Alicia’s story and my biggest regret is that I didn’t finish this book in time for her to read it. This book is dedicated to her.
To Viv and Kerry for talking me off of ledges and keeping me going when I didn’t think I could do this. Thank you.
My writer friends… you inspire and motivate me daily. Thank you for making this job less lonely.
Joe, thank you for giving me two weeks of dedicated writing time and taking over homeschooling! Abby, JD, and G, I love you and am inspired by you daily to keep going, to keep chasing dreams and being the best version of myself. I’m honored to be your mom.
Brenda, thank you for dealing with my hot mess self, moved deadlines, for all your care and kindness.
Laura and Melissa—thank you for proofing this baby! I’m writing as fast as I can on the next one!
Sommer thank you for another amazing cover and for working with me to make sure this one was right. I can’t wait to reveal the next book cover!
