by Cass Kim
“You can’t really want to take the risk of the injection.” The undercurrent in his voice was low and dangerous.
“I might,” Renna surprised herself with her answer. She’d spent so much of her life feeling scared and powerless. Maybe this was a way in which she could step up to that fear.
“I’m not sure you really understand what you’re risking.” She could just make out the outline of his fists, clenching and unclenching again at his sides again.
“Did you know, when you made the choice?” Her voice was small and quiet in the still night.
Emerson softened. “I don’t think I really made the choice. Mom and Dad were always going to do it, regardless of what Thomas and I wanted. And Thomas… Thomas was one hundred percent on board. I think even if he had known exactly how it was going to turn out, he’d make the same choice. Thomas was like that. Not scared of anything. And so in to science. I mean, I think he would’ve been even smarter than our parents, if he’d gotten to go to school like he planned.” He sat down on the top step of the porch, elbows resting on his knees and stared out into the night.
He paused for so long that Renna thought maybe he was done sharing. But then he laughed, a bitter sort of sad laugh. “But me? Nah, man. I don’t know. I was only fifteen. It seems like a lifetime ago. I don’t know if I would do it again. Maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe some part of me is cowardly enough that, knowing how it would hurt, knowing I’d lose my brother, I would say no. I wouldn’t blame you at all if you did say no.”
She lowered herself onto the step next to him, tucking the glow stick against the edge of the stairs so it was out of his direct line of sight. He looked so lost in that moment, she wanted to reach over and comfort him. She felt so lost herself that she wanted to seek her own comfort in the warmth radiating off of him.
But she didn’t lean into him. Instead, she asked softly, “What does it feel like? The change?”
He winced, then took a deep breath, as if fortifying himself. “It comes in stages. At first you think maybe the aches and twinges are just part of the medicine working. You get a little fever, but that’s normal sometimes, with live virus vaccines. I mean, that’s what they do, you know, make a smaller infection. About that time, they sedate you – just in case. Just in case it doesn’t work, they tell you. But what they really mean is, there’s a large chance it won’t work. ‘We’re experimenting on you, and we have to keep ourselves safe.’ So you fall asleep thinking that you’ll feel better when you wake up. At least I did. Maybe Thomas knew better. There’s a lot of things I’ll never get to ask him about.” His voice was soft, even sitting next to him she had to strain to hear.
“The next time you wake up, there is no doubt in your mind that you’re changing. Shit, you barely have a mind at that point. Everything feels like it’s on fire. Your skin is so hot you don’t know how you’re not covered in blisters. Your eyes ache and burn and I swear if I wasn’t restrained I would have torn them straight out of my skull. But the spasms. Those are the worst. It’s like your muscles are fighting against each other, each trying to go in opposite directions. My hands spasmed so badly that I actually broke two of my fingers.” He flexed his left hand, demonstrating how the last two fingers could no longer fully extend.
“Everything hurts so badly, you don’t know who you are anymore. All you want to do is make it stop. You want to destroy everything and anything. It’s like… like you’re filled with too much energy and if you don’t use it somehow your body will tear itself to pieces. I think that’s why they go crazy, the ones that aren’t restrained. The ones who get a live virus that hasn’t been manipulated by scientists. And that’s just the first wave. I don’t have words for the way the rest of the time feels. I don’t even know how much of what I remember is real, and how much is just the way my mind broke during that time. I just know that it felt like it came in waves, each one breaking harder against my will to live, against everything that makes me me. And then it receded. Slowly. It took a long time for the pain to fade to a tolerable level. It took a long time to feel even a little bit human again. Sometimes I still don’t.”
Renna had no words for this boy. There was nothing she could say that could take away the memories of that pain. Then to wake from that nightmare, to learn that your brother had escaped, had murdered people. Had died. How was there even a part of him that could still be kind?
“Surely there are some good things, now? Now that you’ve adjusted.” They were both carefully staring out into the night, avoiding meeting face to face.
“Now. it’s different. I feel different. I mean, there’s the cool stuff, like being able to see in near pitch black conditions. And it’s kind of amazing how fast I can run. But, I always feel like I’m on the very edge of that energy. Like, if I get too much, get too close to some other energy source, I’ll become that madman spasming on a table again. The electricity still hurts. Did you know silver and copper have the highest rate of conductivity? Even when they aren’t touching much of anything, it’s like the very energy of the air is just gathered there, waiting to burn me. Just being near the generators in camp makes my skin crawl.” He fisted his hands in his hair, head tipped toward his chest.
When he continued, his voice was muffled, soft, “It’s not like being an X-man in a comic. There isn’t a future in which I can do the things normal kids take for granted. That I took for granted. I can never use a cellphone again, or spend the afternoon playing playstation. I can’t eat at a restaurant. I can’t drive a car or go on dates. I still get in trouble for plenty of things, but I won’t be getting grounded for going out all night to a party.” Then softer, “I’ll never get married. Never have children.”
He stood suddenly, “Like I said, I don’t know if I would choose this again, if I could go back. You need to think about it really hard. There’s a lot to lose. Don’t let my dad pressure you.”
She nodded and picked up the glow stick, following him with her eyes as he faded back into the night. That last thing he’d said, about not getting grounded for going out to a party all night. How much of her life had he observed before they ever met?
Renna sat on the porch steps, playing out scenarios in her head until well after her butt had gone numb from the hard step. Then she laid back and stared up at the stars, wishing they held the answers. She’d always used pros and cons lists to make decisions. Should she date Jeremy – what were the pros and cons? Should she take AP English - what were the pros and cons? This felt too big for a pros and cons list, though she tried to weigh them nonetheless. She kept coming back to Soo’s words about the greater good being more important than oneself.
Eventually, she let her mind wander past the rational reasoning. She sat alone on the porch of a cabin in the woods, in full dark, and wondered what it would feel like to be the predator instead of the prey.
Chapter 11
“Okay, so, I got an immune boosting serum that we’ll dose you with first. It will basically jump start your functions and prep your body. It does some other complicated things to your metabolic rate too, but don’t worry about that.” Syd tapped the first vial as she spoke. “Then, we’ll wait for about half an hour and dose you with the vaccine.” She tapped the second bottle, her dark skin reflecting on the glass.
After her long night on the cabin porch, Renna had agreed to take the vaccine. She’d told Soo just before dawn, as she’d returned from the lab. The woman had only nodded, and clasped her hand. She left again to make the preparations.
Emerson had run back shortly after, begging her to take longer to think on it. She had remained firm. He hadn’t left her side since then, saying something about making sure they treated her right. He’d started by demanding that Syd be the one to dose her, since he trusted her. Renna didn’t want to think about how Emerson had come to trust a girl his own age over his own father.
She couldn’t give in to him on refusing the vaccine, but she could give him this. When she was approached by Dr. Kim to begin, she insisted th
at Syd was the only person she would allow to administer the vaccine. The sterile lab and isolation tents were all within the camp, all near the generators, so Emerson wouldn’t be able to stay by her side indefinitely.
Renna nodded, then asked Syd, “Do we have to wait here? It’s so… quiet. And cold.” She would rather pass the time doing something active over sitting in the sterile room with nothing to do but think about if she was having side effects.
“And then if you have some weird reaction to either of the shots? What if you have an anaphylactic reaction to something in one of these?” Syd shook her head. “If you know what’s good for you, you won’t argue with the woman who is doing you more favors than she can count.” Syd had agreed to stay with Renna in this tiny room through the next two days, until it was time for her to be sedated. She’d brought the few fiction books she had with her to share and a deck of cards, too.
“If you think about it, you’re kind of doing the whole world a favor.” Renna muttered as she began rolling up her tee shirt to expose her bicep.
“Psssh, I did the world a favor by being born.” Syd’s response was half hearted bravado as she rubbed hand sanitizer on her hands and then pulled latex gloves on. “Emerson, I’m going to need your germ carrying ass to step back another foot, just to be safe.”
“Man, Syd, that’s harsh. It’s not like I’m some blood sprinkler that might suddenly splash you.”
Syd just raised an eyebrow at him, head cocked to the side.
“Okay, okay, my bad.” He took two large steps back, hands in the air in surrender.
Now that the time was nearing for the actual injection, Renna’s stomach was a roiling ball of nerves. She was too nervous to get a kick out of their banter. This next half hour might be the last normal moments of her life. Not that anything in the past few days had been anywhere close to normal.
“Last chance to change your mind.” Syd had the syringe filled, and was holding out an alcohol wipe for Renna. She met her eyes, “Are you sure about this?”
“No,” Renna admitted, as she ripped open the wipe and sanitized the area Syd indicated. “But we’re doing it anyhow.”
“Try not to tense up your muscle as the needle goes in – it’ll be less sore later if you keep it relaxed.”
Renna took a deep breath and met Emerson’s anxious copper eyes as she breathed out, barely feeling the needle. She felt the burning as Syd depressed the plunger and the serum entered her muscle.
“Phew! Alright, cool. Now we wait a little bit and then we stick you again. Good job not tensing up, kid.”
“Why do you keep calling me kid anyhow? I thought you were our age?” Renna would talk about anything right now that didn’t involve the enormous decision she’d made.
“Emers would like to think so.” Syd sniffed dramatically, “but I actually had almost a year of nursing training under my belt before we moved here. I’m twenty-one. Don’t worry, I know I don’t look a day over seventeen.” She gave Renna toothy grin and pulled off the latex gloves.
Renna ticked off on her fingers, “So, if you came here five years ago, you were only sixteen…how did you get nursing training before you came here?”
“Don’t let her cool attitude fool you. Syd’s a girl genius. How old were you when you graduated high school, again?” Emerson’s voice was taunting.
Syd rolled her eyes, still grinning, “before your voice even started to drop in puberty, Professor X.”
“Yeah speaking of my mutant power,” Emerson rolled his shoulders, “I’m going to take a breather out of camp for a bit. Sorry, Renna. I promise I’ll be back before Syd here sticks you with the big guns.” He slid his shades on and fist bumped with Syd on his way out. Renna had just opened her mouth to speak when he ducked his head back in the tent flap, “You can still change your mind, you know.” His tone was light, but Renna could still hear the seriousness of the offer.
Renna turned to Syd once he’d left, “Why do you call him that? Professor X.” She thought of his bitter words the night before, about how his life was not like a comic book character. “I mean, do you call all of the changed that?”
“Hell no. Half of them are only half human. Some of them are damn right scary to try to talk to. Emers’ family got a good batch. I just like to keep him off his high horse. You haven’t seen it yet, but that boy loves to show off his speed and strength.”
“What do you mean got a good batch?” Renna felt her heart rate spike. She hadn’t actually met any of the other changed in the camp, even if she had seen a few around. She assumed if she survived this, she’d be like the Kim family – more or less still herself.
Syd winced, “Yeah, I didn’t think that statement through. Sometimes my mouth runs away with itself.” Syd patted her hair gently, blowing a slow breath out. “Look, you got nothing to worry about. Those others… they were some of the earliest tests. We’ve worked out a lot of kinks in this.”
“How come you guys are testing on humans? Isn’t there, like, a law against that? How many versions of this ‘vaccine’ have you created?” Renna couldn’t keep the accusation from her voice.
“Do you see any Wilder rats or apes running around?” Syd’s voice was defensive. “It’s not like we can do animal testing when the virus doesn’t infect animals. We only take volunteers. Nobody’s forced to the change here. Which is different than you might see in the government labs, I might add.”
Renna rubbed her arms against the chill of the little air-conditioned tent and muttered, “I kinda feel like I was volun-told.”
“Trust me, it’s still better than being in a government lab. There you’re just some number. Here, at least you can say no.” She relented, “I feel you, though. There is a definite sense of duty to it. I’m glad my momma has never brought it up. I don’t know if I could do it… but I don’t know if I could say no either.” Syd ran a finger along the tiny bottle filled with the vaccine fluid. “What made you decide to say yes?”
Renna shrugged, not sure how to voice all of the reasons she’d tumbled around in her head all night.
“Alright, alright. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. But we have twenty-four to forty-eight hours in here, so you know. If you feel like sharing, I’m here for ya. Unless I’m sleeping. Then you best wait ‘til I wake up from my beauty rest. Now scoot your tiny butt over and get ready to lose.” Syd slid onto the small medical cot with her and started shuffling the cards.
They played a few rounds of Go Fish and then a couple hands of poker, most of which Renna won, before Emerson returned, carrying a handful of wildflowers.
“Your girl’s a cheater!” Syd said over her shoulder as she tucked the cards back into the little case.
Renna stared at the flowers in his hands. “Where did you find those?”
Emerson half shrugged a shoulder, his cheeks pinking up slightly with embarrassment. “I ran a little ways to a clearing to find them. I just thought, you know. Something pretty for you to stare at while you wait.” Renna could swear the heat radiating off him felt warmer than normal. Maybe that was just an effect of the cold room they were in. Or maybe it was the warmth she felt spreading through her chest at the thought of him running at full Wilder speed through the forest just to find a handful of flowers for her.
As she was about to give him a hug to show how much it meant to her, Syd’s watch beeped. It was time. Emerson’s face went carefully blank, as he set the flowers in a plastic cup on the table, stepping back to the wall of the tent.
Syd quietly nodded at Renna and began to sanitize her hands and prepare the needle. Renna suspected that half the camp could hear her heart thumping in her chest. Even though she was terrified, she knew this was the right thing to do. If this worked, then no more families would be torn apart by this disease. She could be a part of that. Part of repairing the future, so no other little girls would have to make the choice to die or watch their father get shot. She thought the cost, however high it may be for her, was worth it.
<
br /> As Syd drew the cloudy yellowish liquid into the syringe, Renna thought of all the things she’d be giving up. How, like Emerson, she’d have to exist on the outskirts. She could only imagine what Alyssa would say, if she were here. Probably something funny, and then something heartbreaking. That was the kind of best friend she was.
Thinking of her best friend made Renna’s heart drop heavily. At some point she’d have to tell her about Benjamin. And about Diamond. Unless she didn’t make it through this. Then her best friend would be left to wonder what had happened to all of them. Maybe she’d already guessed, since none of them were answering any calls or texts.
Syd began wiping Renna’s arm with a new alcohol swab, half an inch away from where she’d inserted the immune serum. “Do you want a countdown?” The older girl’s voice was unusually grave.
Renna nodded, trying to catch Emerson’s eye. He still had his sunglasses on.
“We’ll go on ‘three’.”
She willed him to look up at her.
“One”
His gaze remained fixed on the floor, hands clenched into fists at this side.
“Two”
I’ll take you home right now if you want me to.
“Three.” Syd pinched her arm and inserted the needle in one smooth motion.
“Wait!” Everyone froze, including Syd, whose thumb had just started to depress the plunger. “I want to go home.” Renna stared at Emerson as his face snapped up and his nostrils flared. “I mean, I still want to do this,” She carefully gestured at the needle in her arm with her free hand. “But, I want you take me home so I can explain this to Alyssa and my mother. I want to get my favorite pajamas and see if Tim Tam is alive. I want to at least go into this feeling like I did it right.”
“Alright.” Syd fastidiously removed her thumb from the end of the syringe and slid the needle out, holding it gingerly in the air. She eyed the markings on the side of the syringe, then nodded slowly. “Here’s the deal. This is kind of dumb, and I doubt any of the ‘real’ scientists would allow you to leave. And also, what the hell kind of name is Tim Tam?”
