My soul stiffens in my body but I pretend I don’t know he’s here and I also pretend I don’t care.
No, scratch that, I don’t care, there is no pretending about that part.
“Kane,” Ren calls when a car door closes, he’s trying to give me a heads up.
I flip down my sunglasses and slam the trunk closed before turning towards the car that just pulled in and ejected its only person.
I try not to look at him, I try so hard but my strength from earlier has depleted and I can’t fight the magnet that is Kane Jessop.
He stands tall, taller than he used to be, muscular, more so than he used to be, his hair is as long as it always was and just as shiny but nowhere near as tangled. I could probably push my fingers through it now and it probably wouldn’t even snag.
My heart crawls up my throat, hammering a disoriented beat as it tries to figure out whether we still love him or not, whether we ever loved him or not, whether we even know him anymore or not.
He stuffs his hand into his pocket and licks his lower lip, his ocean blue eyes roam over me, wary and tired.
“Give me your eyes, babe,” he whispers and it feels like my world freezes. “You gotta give me your eyes.”
My hand itches to rise and push the plastic bridge of my grey tinted glasses until they’re resting on my head, but I don’t. Instead I raise my chin, stare him down through my shields and retort quietly but firmly, “Stopped giving you things a long time ago, Kane. I’m not about to start again now.”
14 years old
Matthew laughs loudly at my self-deprecating joke; he hasn’t laughed like this in so long. He bumps his arm against mine and holds the bottle out to me.
“Live a little, sis. You only get one shot at this shit.”
“Mee-maw will kill me,” I grumble, pushing the bottle away.
He sneers and downs the rest of his beer before tossing it far across the vast expanse. “Mee-maw can go fuck herself.” I’ve never heard such vehemence in his tone, nor have I ever heard him speak that way about Mee-maw.
Vehemence is a new word I learned this week. I love learning new words, it helps me feel as though I can express everything inside just a little bit more. It also makes Mee-maw happy.
“She’s going to moan at you anyway and beat your ass for something else. Might as well be something worthwhile.” He holds his fresh beer to me from the box by his side and I bite my lip as I question what to do here. “Come on, sis. Don’t be a pussy.”
I glower at him. I’m not a pussy.
Snatching the bottle, I take a large gulp and grimace. It’s warm but the taste isn’t as bad as I thought it might be. The bubbles are weird though, it’s not often I drink fizzy drinks.
“You’ve got to stop letting her treat you like she does. Don’t let her hit you.”
“Her heart,” I argue.
“She’s a manipulative old crow. Her heart is fine. Just fucking tell her to piss off.”
“Last time you did that, Grandpa punched you in the eye.”
“Yeah well he’s hardly gonna punch you is he?” he replies with a laugh and clinks his bottle against mine. “Grandpa is so in love and so tired, he doesn’t want to see that there’s somethin’ wrong with the way Mee-maw treats us. But it is wrong. It has always been wrong.”
He’s right, it is wrong. I hate it, every moment of it. I feel like a caged bird, broken, without a voice, without love.
I drink more of my beer and swing my legs slightly. “Mom called yesterday. Said she wants to take me shopping for my birthday.”
Even though my birthday was four months ago.
Matthew shrugs and I watch his throat bob as he gulps his beer down. “Let her. Bout time she gave us something for bein’ hers.”
“Yeah,” I agree softly. “Mee-maw said—”
“Fucking hell, Imogen!” Matthew snarls, hopping down off the wall to throw this beer bottle too. I hear it smash against something hard in the distance. I love that sound, the way glass shatters on impact. It’s like the sound I get in my head before I snap and write bad words in my diary. “You’re such a coward. Stop it with the Mee-maw said.”
“Don’t mock my tone.”
“Then stop sounding that way!” He glowers at me, his familiar hazel eyes so angry and sad combined. “You need to stand up for yourself! You need to stop letting people manipulate you. You’re fierce, you’re a bitch. You tell me where to shove it all the time, so I know you have it in you. Fight back!”
“Like you did with Kane Jessop?” I comment wryly, recalling their fight last year where my brother got his ass handed to him.
“I might have lost but at least I fucking tried. Kane hasn’t bothered me since, not really. You know why? Respect. He respects me now because I fought back.”
“So I should go and sucker punch Mee-maw?”
“Hell no.”
“Don’t say hell.”
He rolls his eyes dramatically and continues, “I’m not saying hit her, but you should overpower her at the very least. Rip that slipper from her hand and tell her she ain’t never touching you again.”
His wisdom is making me feel more powerful than I likely am. So badly I want to tell her to get lost and go suck her ugly God’s dick, but I never do. More than anything I want to kick Kane in his, but again I never do.
I drain my beer, feeling a spurt of courage, and throw it as far as my brother threw his. It shatters and I smile at the sound as he laughs and hands me another. This one goes down even easier than the first and I find myself feeling more powerful than I ever have.
“I think I’m drunk,” I say and smile sweetly at my favorite person in the whole entire world.
“Good, then I can finally tell you,” he declares, handing me one of the last two beers from the box.
“Tell me what?”
“I’m dating Poppy.”
“WHAT?” I shriek and he winces. “As in Poppy-Rose?”
He nods with another grin, looking far too proud of himself. “But… it’s Poppy. My Poppy.”
I only just got her back after Mee-maw stopped me seeing her for four months. Four longest months of my life, though we stayed friends in school, outside of school she was hanging around with other people. It made me so jealous.
“You ain’t dating her.”
I pull a face. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“I know, but I’m just telling you what’s what. She’s mine now, more than yours, you gotta be cool with that.”
“Does Mee-maw know?”
He grits his teeth and pulls on my hair making me yelp. “If you ever ask me about Mee-maw again, I’m going to fart on your pillow.”
“I’ll get pink eye again.”
“Exactly.”
“You’re disgusting.”
“Yep.” His perfect teeth glint in the setting sun. “Let’s stay out late, make them worry.”
I chew on the inside of my cheek and consider it, then I consider being grounded for the next month and promptly shake my head.
“Well, you’re gonna have to. If she smells that beer on you, you’ll be in trouble anyway. May as well enjoy your freedom for a while before she locks you in your room forever.”
He has a point.
“Fine. I’ll skip curfew.” I have never skipped curfew before. Ever.
With excitement glinting like an evil entity in his eyes, he grabs my hand and tugs me away from our abandoned crate. “Let’s go get more booze.”
“Why? I’m already drunk.”
“Nah, you’re not nearly drunk enough.”
We go to the lake, or what the cool kids call the patch. The last time I came here was the first time Mee-maw gave me a proper beating with her slipper. Though not because I was here, but because of the state of me when I made it home.
It’s heaving with teenagers making out, drinking beer, smoking cigarettes and weed. My brother pulls me along, keeping me close incase my tormenter is here, though hopefully he won’t be as he works at
Faceless Mechanics now with his daddy and spends most of his free time there.
I wish I had a daddy that wanted to teach me things like that. A daddy who wanted to spend time with me and help me find my way in the world. Sometimes I feel so lost and weak, like the world doesn’t want me to progress.
My brother introduces me to his friends, some of them I have classes with but I don’t talk to them. Mee-maw says they aren’t church going people so I have to avoid them. They seem nice though. But then so does Mallick the black guy and she told me he was born a sin because of the color of his skin. He’s the only one in Kane’s group that has never been outright mean to me. He doesn’t even laugh when they do mean shit too. I don’t know how he can be born a sin, he doesn’t seem like a bad person.
I spy him across the small fire that is surrounded by a shallow moat, likely to stop it from accidentally starting a bush fire. Don’t they know that fire can jump?
Whatever. I’m not saying shit to anyone about that. I don’t want to look uncool.
Mallick spies me too and smiles, he raises his hand and waves and I wave back. It’s not the first time we’ve smiled at each other but this time it feels different.
“Don’t let Mee-maw catch you looking at the black kid,” Matthew whispers in jest. He’s not being racist; he’s just making fun of me and my fear of the only parent I’ve ever known.
I ignore him and blush when I catch Mallick’s eyes again. He’s really quite good looking and he’s always so polite. I don’t know why Mee-maw would think bad things about him. Does she even know him? How does the color of your skin define you as a person? If him being black makes him bad, then am I bad because of all the bad stuff other white people have done?
“He’s into you,” Poppy whispers in my ear, seemingly appearing out of nowhere.
She hugs me around the waist and rests her chin on my shoulder.
“You think?” I question and she nods, her cheek brushing against my ear. The thought that he might like me does send a certain thrill through me
“Yep.”
I lean back against her chest and inhale her cherry scent. She loves cherries, especially the body mist her mom always buys for her. Maybe I can convince my mom to buy me a signature scent. I want somebody to hug me and smell something like vanilla, or peaches. Something pretty and feminine, but soft.
“Are you mad that I didn’t tell you about Matthew?” She sounds so concerned. She also won’t let me go so I can look at her while I talk to her.
“It’s weird,” I admit because I’m not sure how I feel about it. I didn’t even know they were into each other like that.
“I know but… he’s amazing.”
I smile softly because I agree with her on that.
“So, we’re okay?”
I nod genuinely and hug her arms that hold me tight. “Definitely.”
“Thanks, Immy.” Then she releases me and looks at the dark sky. “Your mee-maw is gonna kill you.”
Matthew passes me another beer and mouths the words, “Fuck it.”
“FUCK IT!” I yell and everyone around me cheers. We all raise our drinks and scream the same two words in a loud chorus.
26 years old
“Did you do this to my car?” I ask politely, trying to remain calm as I face off with the man I swear I loathe.
“Told you I wasn’t gonna pin you,” he replies just as politely and pops a piece of gum into his mouth. He offers me one but I shake my head so he stuffs them back into the pocket of his open leather jacket. He wasn’t wearing this jacket at the funeral, likely out of respect. It’s laughable thinking about him being respectful to anyone. “I meant it.”
I don’t know whether to believe him or not, either way I have no evidence so I nod and continue with my plan.
“Ren,” I call, looking at him over my shoulder. “How long?”
“Couple of hours babe, that’s if we’ve got the parts I think we need.”
“Prognosis?” Kane asks, chewing his gum as he approaches my exposed vehicle.
They speak in mechanical tongue for a short while and Kane’s brows shoot up. I fucking hate how nice looking he is. It doesn’t suit him, it never did. Mostly because it suits him too much. He’s everything a respectable daddy would tell you to stay away from.
Kane shoves him out the way and starts tinkering with the engine. I wait a while, wondering if this is us now. Are we both civil adults that can do this mature shit and be near each other without all the excess?
I almost laugh at the thought of that ever being a reality. Kane and I will never be stable. I’ll always hate him and he’ll always want to hurt me. It’s how we fucking roll.
“It’s gonna take longer than a couple of hours, babe,” Kane calls after a minute. “We definitely don’t have what you need for this piece of shit.” He kicks the wheel and I know he’s doing it to get a rise out of me. “Who’s your old man? Only men with little dicks drive cars like this.”
“That’s what I said,” Ren comments, looking proud of himself and they bump fists like the “good old days”.
“Trust me, his dick works just fine,” I clapback and Kane’s gaze darkens and a muscle pulses in his cheek.
Ren looks away, Kane steps towards me, his hands stained with oil, his nails still as short as they ever were.
“What’s his name?” Kane demands and I can’t tell if he’s trying to call my bluff or if he wants to shoot him in his face.
“Webber.”
“Even his name is dumb as fuck.”
I roll my eyes. “And you’re still the same bully you always were.”
“And you’re still the same flippant bitch.” Kane pulls his keys from his pocket; he doesn’t bother waiting for a reaction he knows he’s not going to get. “I’ll drive over to Leander and see if they’ve got the part we need.” He looks me up and down with a new look that I can’t decipher. “You coming? I think we’ve got some shit to talk about.”
I laugh humorlessly. “Get in your shit Challenger and go fuck yourself.”
“Now, now children, let’s not get nasty with each other,” Ren says around a genuine laugh. “This ain’t high-school. We’re all adults here.”
“Shut up, Ren,” both Kane and I chorus.
I glare at Kane as though it’s his fault we both spoke together, but he just winks at me, still chewing that gum in his mouth.
Finally, after staring at me for the longest fucking time, he utters, his tone strong, “You look amazing, Imogen. Seeing you now, can’t believe I ever convinced you to suck my dick all those years ago.”
I yank my mace from my bag, cover my eyes with my arm and listen as the hiss of the canister is soon covered by his pained roar.
“YOU FUCKING BITCH!” he screams as his buddies fall about laughing.
“I’m so glad I didn’t choose that flavor pain,” Ren chokes, tossing his friend a bottle of water. Kane scrubs his face with his oily hand while pouring the crystal-clear fluid over his face. It drenches every part of him, making what’s visible of his black band T-shirt between the zippers of his leather jacket cling to the muscles of his chest.
“How about now you suck on my dick?” I snap, feeling proud and strong. “And don’t ever speak to me again, not like that and not in any kinda way.”
“Psychotic cunt,” he yells, turning towards the building. “Such a fucking cunt.”
Ren winks at me. “You better hope I fix this car before that shit wears off or he’s coming for you.”
“Thought you said he’d changed? Doesn’t look like he’s changed at all, Ren.” I stuff the mace in my bag and hitch it up my shoulder.
“I said he’s not like that as a general statement. He’ll always be crazy when it comes to you, Immy.”
With a snort I walk towards the long road that leads into town. My hands are shaking and I don’t think it’s because of what I just did. It’s all for him. All of it. Only Kane has ever been able to make me tremble.
14 and a half
/> I took the beating, of course I took the beating. I didn’t stand up for myself. I certainly didn’t tell Mee-maw that the first boy I ever kissed was a black boy with such gentle hands.
I was drunk and I let him hold my waist as we kissed. It was a bit messy, but I liked it. He was a fast kisser, mind, and when I still think about it, it still makes me grin and squeal into my pillow with happiness.
Matthew was right, if I’m going to get a beating anyway, may as well be for something good.
Matthew hasn’t been grounded because they can’t keep him in. He didn’t get home until noon the next day and our Grandpa tried to give him the belt but Matthew ran before he could catch him.
I wish I could have been that brave. Maybe then I wouldn’t be stuck in my room like I am on such a nice day. If only I had the courage to sneak out and go to the lake with my friends.
Poppy messaged me for a little while this morning but she’s busy with my brother. They’re inseparable and so happy and in love. It’s crazy to me. They’re so good to each other.
Poppy’s mom said that you never forget your first love, but she said it in a way that sounded like they’d never be each other’s last love and that makes me sad. If they stay as happy as they are now, but forever, why would they ever break up?
Though I often remind Poppy that she wanted a rich man and my brother is as broke as a hobo.
She doesn’t care. She said if it meant being with my brother, she’d get a job. He’s looking for one too but in Faceless there’s absolutely nothing for kids our age. Leander is a bit bigger but it’s too far away and then there’s Burnet which is closer but that ain’t much different to Faceless.
At least I still have my paper route, though Mee-maw has been taking my money from that, telling me I need to save for a fancy college. Because a fancy college is where I’ll find myself a nice man. Maybe he’ll rescue me from this hell.
“Imogen!” Mee-maw calls through the door and I hear the key twist in the lock. She pokes her freshly cut head of hair through and smiles at me in that faux, saccharine way that she always does. “Could you be a dear and run to the grocery store? I’ve run out of eggs and my hip has flared up. And you know I’ve got that cake to make for—”
Vicious Page 4
